10

That same afternoon, Dale Hinshaw, Fern Hampton, and Bea and Opal Majors were seated around Fern’s kitchen table, plotting Sam’s overthrow.

“It’s got to happen this Sunday, before Miriam and Ellis get home,” Fern said. “They’re always sticking up for Sam.”

“He’s got to go,” Dale said. “But there are folks who like him. I think even Lindsey likes him.” He shook his head, mystified. “I don’t know what’s gotten into that girl.”

“She and Sam sure have gotten close lately,” Bea said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if something’s going on there. You know how ministers are with their secretaries.”

“Lindsey’s not that kind of girl,” Dale said. “She wouldn’t do that.”

“You didn’t think she’d support sodomites,” Fern snapped. “Maybe she’s not the little angel you think she is.”

“She might have to go, too,” Opal said. “Especially if she and Sam are sleeping around.”

“You know they are,” Bea said. “Why else would she stick up for him?”

“I don’t know what Barbara sees in that man,” Fern said. “She’s working at the library now, you know. Probably realized their marriage was falling apart and she needed a job. I’ve seen it happen time and again. Maybe it’s time someone told her what he’s up to. What a sad marriage it must be.”

It was ironic that Fern Hampton, who had never been able to convince even one man his life would be better with her, would consider herself an expert on marriage.

“He’s been cozying up to the Unitarians. I think if folks knew that, he’d be out of here,” Dale said. “We ought to send out an e-mail and call for a meeting of the church.”

“Can we do that?” Fern said.

“Sure we can. We’re the elders, after all,” Dale said. “I have a list of everyone’s e-mail addresses that Lindsey put together.”

Dale’s missive went out that very night, a long diatribe, sprinkled with Scripture verses, detailing Sam’s various shortcomings, chief among them his utter disregard for tradition and authority and the Lord. Dale observed that Sam had recently been seen in the company of Unitarians, who everyone knew didn’t believe in God and were going straight to hell.

Sam’s mother, Gloria Gardner, phoned Sam the minute she read the e-mail. “What do you mean, you don’t believe in God? When did that happen?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I just got an e-mail from Dale saying you don’t believe in God.”

Sam assured his mother he still believed in God.

“He also said you conducted a same-gender marriage,” his mother said.

“It was an accident,” Sam said. “I didn’t realize it was two women. And I didn’t conduct the wedding, at least not officially. All I did was say a prayer.”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. We’re supposed to pray for people.”

“That’s what I thought,” Sam said.

“What are you going to do, honey?” his mom asked.

“I’m going to go to bed,” Sam said.

“No, I mean about the e-mail.”

Sam fell silent for a moment, thinking. “I tell you, Mom. I’m tired of this nonsense. If the meeting wants to fire me for praying for two women, so be it. I’m not sure I want to even pastor a meeting where that would be an issue.”

“Oh, no, don’t say that. We need you.”

“That’s a matter of opinion. Dale and the superintendent came to see me this morning. They obviously think the church would get along fine without me.”

“Oh, Dale is just an old sourpuss. Ignore him.”

“He’s pretty hard to ignore,” Sam said.

“I’m going to call him and give him a piece of my mind,” Gloria said.

“Don’t, Mom. That’ll just make things worse.”

“Somebody needs to rein him in. What about Miriam? Where is she in all of this?”

“She and Ellis are on vacation,” Sam said. “Won’t be back until Sunday night.”

“Well, you can make it until then. Miriam will get things straightened out when she gets home.”

“Even if she does, it’ll just be something else next month. It’s not like Dale is going to wake up one morning, realize he’s hateful, and change his ways.”

“Maybe he’ll die,” she said hopefully. “Or maybe someone will knock him off, like in the movies. Say, wasn’t Ralph Hodge in jail once? I bet he knows someone who can kill him.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?” Sam asked.

“Perhaps so, but let’s not rule it out.”

Sam made a mental note never to cross his mother.

He wished his mother a pleasant evening, hung up the phone, and went to bed. His mother, her curiosity stirred, looked up on Google how to kill people without getting caught.