At first I thought the television was on in the media room downstairs. The house was so large that it was hard to tell where noises came from. I heard the lifts and drops of conversation.
But then Lila’s voice drifted up through the caverns of the heat ducts. This was how she sounded when she was displeased. Clipped, cold. Dismissive. Jake’s voice was a low drone.
Shortly after, a full sentence burst through the vent like she was right there in the room. So, she wasn’t friendly! What do you expect from a teenager?
God. The words made me feel instantly awful. My insides did the horrible curling-up of humiliation. I felt like I’d failed. The summer was already a disaster. And why was the word teenager so often an insult, when adults caused the biggest trouble?
I set my head on Max’s side, and it bobbed up and down with his breathing like I was on a big dog boat. He sighed through his nose as if he totally understood, and my throat got tight with tears.
It was true that I hadn’t been that friendly to Jake. But the thing was, I had been friendly. To Papa Chesterton and Ben Salvador and Roberto-someone and Mr. Henderson and Gerry H. and Jerry W. Every time she’d said Hug Mr. Chesterton or Mr. Salvador or Mr. Williams, I’d hugged Mr. Chesterton and Mr. Salvador and Mr. Williams, even if they were strangers that I didn’t want to hug. I’d laughed when they tried to be funny. I’d disappeared when they wanted me to be gone.
I listened to see if it would turn into an argument. There was silence for a while. Everything was fine, I guess. I was hungry, but I didn’t want to go down there.
When I heard footsteps on the stairs, I knew Lila was coming up. Max knew too, because he hopped off the bed and arranged himself on the floor like he’d been there all along.
“Hey, baby.”
I didn’t want her in my room. No. I didn’t want me in my room. “What was that about?”
She sat down on the bed. “I never come up here! Someone could be living on this floor and I’d never even know it.”
“Were you crying?”
“Do I have raccoon eyes? Stupid mascara. Oh, I’m fine. Really. It’s just, baby, couldn’t you have maybe asked Jake a few questions about himself? Been a little welcoming? He drove all that way to get you.”
“I don’t even know him.”
“Well, he feels left out because we’re so close.” I didn’t answer, and she sighed. She took my hand. “It’s always just been the two of us, since your father.”
Maybe it was a new record, because I’d been there only, what, an hour before she said it. Your father—it meant that asshole and the one who’d hurt her and the one who’d left her and the one I should never love as much as I loved her. It meant the loser parent, compared to her. It meant the enemy. It warned me what a horrible traitor I’d be if I ever stepped into enemy territory or said anything nice about the enemy. It jammed me up close to her, because it also meant we’re on the same team. Sometimes I heard the word your louder than father, and then I felt awful and guilty, like his badness belonged to me. Sometimes I heard the word father louder than your, and then I had to remember that that badness had made me, and that even an asshole-loser-enemy really didn’t care about me.
I couldn’t stand it when she did that. I was pissed at him, too, the way he treated me like a box to check off once a year. But I didn’t want my anger to be forcibly bound to hers. I hated that game. I felt that hate rise up. And maybe I was acting like a teenager, because I wanted my hand back. I left it there, though, because I wasn’t hateful, and I loved her, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Plus, it was easier to just play the game than not.
“Jake—he’s a real man. He would never run off like a coward. We have another chance with him, baby, you know?” She was sitting right next to me now. She set her head on my shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re home. My person.”
I used to practically burst with joy when she said stuff like that. But at that moment, I didn’t want to be her person. I wanted to be my person.
Lila lifted her head and gazed down. She tried to brush off her white pants. “Did you let that dog up here?”
“It’s probably from me being hairy already.”
“You have to watch him. Boys! They’ll get away with whatever they can.”
“For sure,” I said, though I knew nothing about this. It was more stuff behind the hidden door maybe, because Samuel Crane was mostly shy. “He’s very comfortable here.”
“Jake lets him up on the furniture.”
“I mean Jake. I thought you met, like, a month ago.” I said it quietly. If I could hear them, he could hear me, too.
“Oh, no. We became official a month ago. But we met over a year ago. At Lee’s pediatric AIDS gala.” Lee, Lee Miles, Lila’s agent. “Did I tell you that Lee and Adam adopted a baby from Ethiopia?”
“No. I can’t imagine Lee as a dad.”
“He says his partying days are over. Plus, Adam was meant to be a father. I told you that Jake is a real estate developer, right? That’s how I got such a deal renting this place.”
“So, what, he knew someone who knew someone?”
Lila laughed. “It’s one of his.”
“One of his? Like, this is his house? Is that why you moved here?”
“Syd, honestly. Our family is from this city. Your great-great-great-grandmother survived the earthquake. I spent so much time in this place as a kid! Edwina grew up, like, five miles away.”
“I know. I just… It would seem weird if you did it for him.”
“I returned to our roots. And how could I not love this city? It’s so laid back! It’s not all about fame and celebrity and plastic surgery. God, it’s refreshing.”
“But he’s our landlord?”
She lifted her head from my shoulder. “Really, Syd. I don’t know why you have to say it like that.”
“I just mean, ‘Never be financially dependent on a man.’ ‘Make your own money.’ ‘Your money is your freedom.’ ” She and Edwina always told me those things, and now I believed them too.
“You don’t have to judge. You don’t know the situation.” Her jaw tightened. Her gaze turned cold. She stared out the doorway like something out there understood her much better than I ever would.
I didn’t want her mad at me. Lila, well, you were either for her or against her, and the change could happen before you could blink. You were her everything until you did her wrong, and then every step and breath she took would speak of your crime. You are bad, the clip of her heel would say. You are small, her ignoring told you. I can’t stand you, said her turned-away shoulders. Most of the time, I’d do anything to avoid that. When she shined her light on you, it was like a steady rain of glitter. That’s the thing you tried for.
“I’m sorry. I’m just surprised. I mean, you knew him and he was our landlord last time I was here.”
“Baby, relax. There was nothing to tell. And stop calling him our landlord. We’re in a relationship.”
Outside, I heard the hum of Jake’s car starting up, and then the roar of the engine as he hit the accelerator.
“Did he leave? What about Max?”
“Oh, he stays. Jake likes me to have the dog for protection. I think he just wants that monster off his hands.”
I looked down at the monster, and he looked up at me with sweet eyes. My heart melted. I died a little inside. We seemed to have a bond already, like the baby chick that imprints on a different species. I wasn’t sure which one of us was the chick.
“So, Jake hates me now after one car ride?”
“He doesn’t hate you! Do you know what he said? First thing? He said you were a very attractive young woman. That you look much more like me in person than you do in your pictures,” she said. It was supposed to be nice, but it kind of creeped me out. “Baby, you could have been friendlier. This is important to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know we planned to go to Tosca Cafe and have a movie night, but now I need to give Jake some TLC. His feelings are hurt! You can maybe order in and start the movie without me? I think we’ll go for drinks and dinner. I’ll be back before it’s too late. You understand, right? Baby, we have a lot to thank Jake for.”
I didn’t understand.
Worse… I wondered why she needed him like that. Why we did. I wondered if Lila was having money troubles, more serious ones than layoffs of chefs and drivers. All at once, I felt different about the house. It was stunning and incredible, sure. But it made me nervous. The ghost reminded me that she was still there. I didn’t really hear it before, the way the waves crashed outside and the wind whipped through the narrow corridor between house and sea. After that, I realized how exposed we were to all the elements.