Within the halls of warmongering there are several, clearly defined, types of tyrants. Understanding these differences is not only useful when analyzing opponents but for introspective purposes too. Taking the test below will tell you which classification you fall into. Once you have completed it, tally the results and compare your score against the ranges for each warmonger type. (Section 4.2) When answering the questions your first instinct is usually the right one.
4.1.1. Do you choose pets based on how they express agony (points)
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.2. Do you consider lying to be part of your daily routine?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.3. Do you work in sales, advertising, marketing or management?
- No (1)
- Yes (3)
4.1.4. Have you ever been asked to stop giggling at a funeral?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.5. Do you consider yourself religious?
- No (3)
- Yes (3)
4.1.6. Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental condition?
- Yes (1)
- No (2)
4.1.7. Have you ever worn someone else’s face out of boredom?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.8. Have you ever been in state-mandated therapy?
- No (2)
- Yes (1)
4.1.9. Have you ever shot someone to test the effectiveness of a weapon?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.10. Have you got a criminal record?
- No (2)
- Yes (1)
4.1.11. Do you have a temper?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.12. Did you regularly leave school with more money than you arrived with?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.13. Do you consider yourself to be superior to your work colleagues?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.14. Have you ever won a bet the moment a mime started screaming in pain?
- No (1)
- Yes (2)
4.1.15. How aroused were you during your first viewing of the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction?
- Flaccid (1)
- Semi (4)
- Fully (5)
4.1.16. How old were you when you killed your first mammal?
- Less than six (5)
- Between six and fourteen (3)
- Older than fourteen (1)
4.1.17. How old were you when you killed your first human?
- Less than ten (5)
- Between ten and sixteen (4)
- Older than sixteen (1)
4.1.18. Hatred is:
- Another human emotion you are capable of faking convincingly. (5)
- A driving force when correctly nurtured (4)
- Keeps you warm at night (3)
4.1.19. Your extensive knowledge of Sarin gas is mostly due to:
- A curious mind (1)
- Paying attention while interrogating scientists (2)
- Your passion for home defense (3)
4.1.20. What do you have on your bedside table right now?
- The latest draft for your coronation speech / inaugural address (5)
- A licensed, large-caliber pistol or revolver (3)
- Wig, contact lenses and other components for your daily disguise. (2)
4.1.21. What is your most common activity on the internet?
- Hacking NGO’s for amusement. (1)
- Trolling religious websites. (2)
- Pointing out grammatical and spelling mistakes on news forums. (3)
4.1.22. Guilt is:
- A kind of bedspread your nana used to make, before the accident. (1)
- The price the weak pay for their weakness. (2)
- An effective tool capable of preventing public uprisings. (3)
4.1.23. What is the primary factor you consider when selecting footwear?
- Comfort (1)
- The potential lethality when executing an axe kick (2)
- A good clacking sound when stepping on a hard surface (3)
4.1.24. How would you classify a good dog fight?
- Horrific (1)
- Comedic (2)
- Pornographic (5)
4.1.25. How would you best describe “Full Metal Jacket?”
- A how-to Guide for drill sergeants (1)
- A heart-warming, coming-of-age drama. (2)
- Childish wish-fulfilment. (3)
4.1.26. How well do you rate your ability to fake human emotions?
- Poorly (1)
- Average (2)
- Excellent (3)
4.1.27. How many rounds can you fire from a standard-issue Dragunov rifle?
- I don’t know (1)
- Ten (2)
- Nine more than I need to kill someone (3)
4.1.28. Do you brew your own coffee?
- No, I have servants for that. (1)
- Yes, who else could I trust? (3)
4.1.29. How many brothels and strip clubs are you banned from?
- Three or less (1)
- Between three and eight (2)
- Eight or more (3)
4.1.30. How did you choose your last residence?
- Defensive layout (5)
- The soft soil and isolation (3)
- For reconnaissance purposes (1)
4.1.31. Have you ever named your favorite weapon?
- Yes (2)
- How could I choose a favorite? (3)
4.1.32. How many friends do you have in real life?
- None (3)
- Less than five (2)
- Five or more (1).
4.1.33. If you started a new career, how long would it take to get promoted?
- 3 months (3)
- 2 years (2)
- 5 years (1)
Your total:__________
33 – 49 points. Hedonists are warmongers who would rather enjoy the fruits and pleasures of their own civilization than bother to take someone else’s. If your adversary is a hedonist, you can probably purchase his planet from him. If you yourself have more love for your family and carnal pleasures than warmongering, then get out of the game. Try outsourcing it to an ambitious sibling or sergeant before they take the mantle from you by force. Hedonists are only borderline warmongers. Try to focus on the negative more. Use visualization techniques to develop your passion for violence and annihilation, or pay closer attention to the goings-on in the world around you.
Strengths: Hedonists normally make adequate vice principals and production managers.
Weaknesses: Lack motivation for a sustained campaign.
50 – 59 points. Turtlers are focused on the game and their thinking is strategically sound, they just suffer from cowardice. They will continue growing their armies and readying their forces but will never get around to actually attacking anyone. The only way they will go to war is when they have a three to one ratio of troop dominance and those units are superiorly trained and equipped. They shouldn’t be trifled with though, any sort of incursion into their territory will trigger a disproportionate response. Once the Turtler has tasted combat he may very well decide to push on and have a go at your planets. They will probably have the units to do it too.
Strengths: Tactical awareness and good defensive assets.
Weaknesses: Slow to anger and reluctant to initiate conflict.
60 – 69 points. Calculators have mastered all the science around warfare but have no grasp of the arts. They tend to have the best intelligence-gathering and analysis systems but still have no natural ‘feel’ for the enemy. Running endless simulations and scenarios, they won’t attack unless coaxed or forced into action. They are similar to Turtlers in behavior but the reason for their inaction is due to an analysis paralysis rather than cowardice. If your opponent is a calculator, I always advise random attacks on unimportant or unexpected installations and varying tactics with each engagement, for no other reason than to prove his predictions wrong. If he stops believing in his advisors and simulations he will lose all taste for war. If this describes you, set a due date and invade already.
Strengths: Tactical awareness, scientific prowess.
Weaknesses: Analysis paralysis.
70 – 79 points. Befriend and Betray practitioners. These charismatic politicians are experts in befriending native and alien species alike. Most of the friendships he forges are merely deception and even while he’s shaking their hands or speaking lovingly, he will be plotting their demise. You will be amazed at how often one dictator can play the same game and get away with it. He will promise long-standing peace and prosperity to neighbors, only to invade a few months later, and the next planet who witnessed it all unfold will still believe him to be sincere when they sign the same non-aggression treaty. Befrienders pay too much attention to what friends and enemies are doing, while this is useful, do not neglect your own army which could be formidable and reliable if cultivated diligently.
Strengths: Excellent use of surprise. Often pit enemies against one another.
Weaknesses: Tend to rely on subterfuge and the forces of other nations too much.
80 – 89 points. Expansive warmongers are less analytical in their decision making, often attacking enemies who have more powerful military resources. In this aspect they are the exact opposite to calculators. Placing a much higher emphasis on the skills and pluck of their troops, they are more likely to engage in deceptive tactics to gain the upper hand. Expansive warmongers can overlook important aspects and fall victim to a superior army. If you are one, surround yourself with conservative battle strategists and listen to them. If this describes your adversary, lure him into battle on your terms; make it seem that you are weaker than you really are. Once he’s committed his forces, unleash your hidden legions and armaments and feast.
Strengths: Strong in tactics, discipline and aggression.
Weaknesses: They do not give enough attention to espionage, science or battle simulations.
90 – 100 points. Vindictive warmongers are an especially useful breed when they’re playing in an arena with multiple factions vying for dominance. By earning a reputation of a cruel, vindictive douche, it will influence how others treat these warmongers in future encounters. If one nation declares war on him, this type of emperor will make it a point to work relentlessly to exact his revenge, even if that means ignoring low-hanging fruit presented by other opponents. Over the long run, nations will learn that to screw with a vindictive general is to sign up for a life-long struggle with a tenacious and bitter adversary. If your foe is a Vindictive, either leave him alone or when you attack, destroy him and his species in its entirety and quickly.
Strengths: A feared opponent.
Weaknesses: Can often allow hatred to cloud judgement and miss strategic victories because of it.