image

 

CHAPTER 10

DEALING

OK, we’ve told you how to get a mortgage, stock a pantry, and shop for clothes on a budget. But practical advice aside, life is squishy. And many of your toughest everyday challenges will center around not tangible, solvable problems (sorry) but dealing with people—all sorts of people, strangers and loved ones alike.

This final chapter helps you with the squishy: family feuds, friendship evolutions, social graces, etiquette breaches, breakups, makeups, breakups (again). Plus, it tells you how to write a killer thank-you note—very important, even nowadays. And we end with a little inspiration to send you on your way. Godspeed!

 

image

Etiquette rules for the real world

You weren’t raised in a barn. You wouldn’t do something flat-out rude, like belch in public. But everyday dilemmas are more vexing: Who gets custody of the airplane armrest—you or the other guy? How do you tell a hostess about your weird new diet? We’ll tell you. (You’re welcome.)

TABLE MANNERS

CAN I PUT MY ELBOWS ON THE TABLE? Yes, it’s fine. Wrists, too. What you don’t want to do is use your elbow as a fulcrum for bringing food to your mouth.

WHICH FORK AM I SUPPOSED TO USE? Work from the outside in, salad fork to dessert fork.

WHICH WATER GLASS IS MINE? Think BMW. Your bread plate is on your left; meal plate, in the middle; water, on the right.

CAN WE EAT YET? Wait until everyone has been served or the host gives you the green light. If there’s a large number of people or a buffet, you can begin eating when you get your food. At weddings and in other situations where there’s a preset menu, wait until the host gives the all-clear.

HOW SHOULD I PASS FOOD AROUND THE TABLE? Dishes should be passed counterclockwise, so that the right hand is free for serving. (You’re out of luck, southpaws.) If you’re asked to pass the salt or the pepper, pass both.

I CAN JUST…BARELY…REACH THE BUTTER. SHOULD I ASK FOR IT? If you can get the item you need without fully extending your arm, go for it. Otherwise ask for it to be passed.

I HAVE TO MAKE A PIT STOP. WHAT SHOULD I SAY? When you need to step away, say, “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.” No one needs to know the details. Leave your napkin loosely on the table to the left of your plate, not on your seat.

PARTY MANNERS

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH RSVP’ING? Always do it, and do it on time. Websites like Evite have features that allow the host to see who has read the invitation (and when). A snubbed or delayed RSVP comes off as ungrateful and careless.

CAN I BRING A “PLUS ONE”? Whoever is listed on the envelope is invited. If your boyfriend’s name isn’t included, he’s not invited.

WILL MY LACTO-OVO MACROBIOTIC-PALEO DIET BE ACCOMMODATED? For large parties, you’re on your own. Don’t mention dietary needs to your host. For small dinner parties, let the host know as soon as possible. If you adhere to an especially tricky diet, ask if you can bring a dish.

WHEN SHOULD I SHOW UP? For a dinner party, show up 10 to 15 minutes after the scheduled time. Never show up early, because the host may not be ready. Any later than 15 minutes and you need to let the host know.

E-MAIL MANNERS

HOW FAST SHOULD I REPLY TO AN E-MAIL? Within 24 hours.

DO I HAVE TO INCLUDE A HELLO AND A SIGN-OFF (LIKE “SINCERELY, KATE”) IN EVERY E-MAIL? It’s OK to drop the “hello” and “many thanks” after some back-and-forth. Also, pay attention to a person’s signature. Does she go by her full name or a nickname? Then echo her choice in future e-mails.

WHEN SHOULD I REPLY ALL? Click this only when you truly need to address the whole group. If what you have to say concerns only the sender, spare everyone else.

PUBLIC-TRANSPORTATION MANNERS

WHO GETS TO USE THE AIRPLANE ARMRESTS? The person in the middle seat gets both, because he doesn’t have the aisle armrest or the window to lean on. If that’s you, congrats.

ARE MY EARBUDS TOO LOUD? If your seatmates can discern that you have a soft spot for Iggy Azalea, then yes.

CAN I PUT MY FEET ON THE SEAT OR TAKE MY SHOES OFF? Keep them on the floor. For trips under three hours (this includes commuter trains), footwear stays on. If you do remove your shoes for longer flights, don’t go bare. Bring along a pair of socks or slippers. Any issues with odor? Keep your feet contained.

SHOULD I GIVE THE PREGNANT LADY MY SEAT? Yes. And the same holds for children, the elderly, and anyone with a physical impediment.

NIGHTLIFE MANNERS

THE BARTENDER IS TOTALLY IGNORING ME. HOW DO I GET HIS ATTENTION? Make eye contact and smile. Tip well for the first round so that he’ll check in with you later. What not to do: snap your fingers, flash a wad of cash, or use the hailing-a-taxi salute.

HOW DO I SQUEEZE PAST PEOPLE WITHOUT LOSING ALL MY DIGNITY? In a theater row, face the stage so that if you lose your balance, you can grab the back of the seat in front of you, not topple onto a stranger. When people scoot past you, stand up so that the seat folds up, then step back. However, if the show is under way, just move your legs to one side.

CAN I SNEAK A PEEK AT MY CELL? It should be off the table at a restaurant and turned off and put away at a theater. The glow of the screen distracts others in the audience.

WHO PAYS ON A DATE—ME OR THE GUY? The only rules you need to know are these: (1) Relationships should feel good, and (2) mutual graciousness is always in style. Old-fashioned chivalry may seem appealing, but rigid gender-based conventions—the kind that determine who makes decisions or acts in certain ways—are outdated. This is to say, it’s up to you and your gentleman caller to decide who shells out when.

DO THIS, DON’T DO THAT

DO remove both earbuds when having a conversation.

DON’T clip your nails in public.

DO smile at coworkers as you pass in the hall.

DON’T block the climbing lane on the escalator.

DO cover your mouth when yawning.

DON’T wear so much perfume that people can smell it from more than an arm’s length away.

DO be kind to restaurant and retail staff.

DON’T say that you’ll be there in 10 minutes if it’s going to be 20.

DO hold the door for the person behind you, and also grab the door when you’re the one for whom it’s being held.

DON’T blow your nose at the table.

DO put your shopping cart where it belongs instead of leaving it in a parking space to crash into a random car.

DON’T say “No problem” when you mean “You’re welcome.”

DO wipe down the exercise machine at the gym after you’re finished.

DON’T get on an elevator or a train until the departing passengers have exited.

3 STEPS TO WRITING A BETTER THANK-YOU NOTE

WHAT TO SAY: Short really is sweet, says Fadie: “A lot of great notes are less than 30 words.” Start the note with a spin on “thank you” (“You were so kind to…”). Avoid the semiapologetic phrase “I just wanted to say.” Then get specific about how you’ll enjoy the gift and what the gift giver means to you. Example: “Many thanks for the beautiful pen. It’s a perfect graduation gift—and a great reminder of all the support you’ve shown me throughout my education.” Boom. You’re done.

HOW TO SEND IT: Handwritten is better. “We receive so few cards by mail these days, so it will stand out,” says Fadie. Send thanks via e-mail or social networks only if you know there’s no chance you’ll send a card or if you’re expressing gratitude for a smaller gesture and you’ve said “thank you” in person. But use a little thought here, too: Post an old, beloved photo of you and the gift giver on Facebook, for example, and craft a personalized message.

WHEN TO SEND IT: Ideally, you would get a note out the door within two weeks. If you get it together later, acknowledge the lapse, briefly, after you do the thanking. (“I apologize for the tardiness of this note. Please know I have been thinking of you with gratitude.”) Better late…

 

How to make nice on the Internet

Did you get into a flame war on Twitter? Or accidentally swipe right on your ex on Tinder? Avoid future epic fails with this netiquette guide, courtesy of Catherine Newman, Real Simple’s manners columnist.

The apps might be new, but many of your grandma’s rules still apply: Be kind and respectful, responsible and trustworthy. Don’t gossip; don’t hurt anybody’s feelings intentionally; don’t embarrass people or make them feel excluded. Ask first. Show you care. Err on the side of caution. Follow the Golden Rule. (Would you be happy if someone posted a picture of you adjusting your bikini bottom?)

That said, the specifics of online life can pose fresh challenges, given that we’re encouraged to share, to tag, to connect widely and instantly—and it can be hard to understand how our actions will affect other people. One good rule of thumb is to consider how they might. And another is to bear in mind that everything you do online is public and permanent. If you don’t want Grams to see it, don’t post it.

Perhaps even more important than how you use your technology is when you use it. Your boss isn’t going to want to see a Facebook post time-stamped from that afternoon meeting you were in. Your best friend might be over the moon about her wedding—but not about your live-tweeting it. And above all, remember to power off your gadgets and pay attention to the real people in your life—the ones who are right in front of you.

To avoid giving offense, follow these guidelines, tailored to each of the most popular social-media sites. (For expert tips on using the professional-networking site LinkedIn, go to here.)

FACEBOOK

The top pitfalls here include oversharing and underthinking. This is your public identity, so create it consciously.

DON’T POST ABOUT YOURSELF 24/7.

It’s the nature of the medium, of course. And, sure, we all want affirmation. But try not to make every update about you and you alone. Try not to troll too frequently for compliments or sympathy. Actually, try not to post too frequently, period.

POST ONLY FLATTERING PICTURES OF OTHER PEOPLE.

Just because you’re cool with being posted wolfing an entire deep-dish pizza doesn’t mean your cousin, who was right there with you, will share your sentiments.

FRIEND WISELY.

Don’t extend a request to your supervisor or a client. “You don’t want them ga-ga-gooing at your baby niece or commenting on your Oktoberfest pics,” says Newman. And if they friend you? Adjust your settings as needed, to keep at least a thin boundary between work and regular life.

SPARE US YOUR SYNCED GAMES.

No offense, but we don’t even want to know that you’re playing Diamond Dash, let alone receive tedious, spamlike invitations to join you.

ABSTAIN FROM VAGUE-BOOKING.

If you want to share something, please do. But, advises Newman, skip the ambiguous cries for attention: “It finally happened”; “ER visits suck”; or that frowny little emoji.

TWITTER

The 140-character limit of this social-networking service encourages brevity and frequency. You’ll need to figure out what to post—and why.

MIND YOUR MEH.

The oatmeal you ate for breakfast? How much you hate Mondays? Unless you’re a comic genius, a Nobel prize–winning neuroscientist, or Kate Middleton, your every mundane thought is probably not worth posting.

APPLY THE BILLBOARD TEST.

Assume that everyone in the world can and will see everything you post (the drunken rant, the gross joke), says Newman.

BE RESPONSIVE.

This is the quid pro quo rule: If someone you know follows you, follow him back; if someone tweets something nice about you, favorite it.

DON’T REQUEST RETWEETS.

Make the most of your 140 characters and people will want to share your tweets all on their own, without your asking.

SNAPCHAT

Because this picture- and video-messaging app allows you to create disappearing posts, the illusion of impermanence can lull you into a sense of safety. Don’t be lulled.

REMEMBER THAT THE PICS ARE NOT NECESSARILY FLEETING…

“People can take screenshots of your snaps before they disappear,” says Newman. “And those screenshots will then not disappear. Enough said.”

…SO BE WARY OF POTENTIAL EMBARRASSMENT.

That goes for other people—and yourself. Just because this point can never be stressed enough: A nude snap is not going to do you any favors.

DON’T TAKE SCREENSHOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE’S SNAPS.

Creating permanent evidence violates the spirit of the medium. Folks using the app mean for their snaps to be transitory, and you should respect that intention.

TINDER

For those of you who haven’t tried it yet, this hot-or-not matchmaking app shows you pictures of potential matches; you swipe right to like or left to pass. As with all dating apps, you’ll want to balance being kind with protecting yourself.

THINK TWICE; SWIPE ONCE.

The quick-swipe style of Tinder makes it easy to like or skip the wrong people—and hard to correct your mistakes. Pay attention to what you’re doing.

AVOID SHOWING GROUP SHOTS.

Potential dates are swiping to see who’s out there; they don’t want to waste time guessing which one is you.

DON’T SWIPE RIGHT ON A FRIEND OR (EWW) YOUR COUSIN.

If you’re entirely confident that you’re on the same page, says Newman, you can do the friendly-wave “OMG, we’re both on Tinder” right swipe. But if they mistake you for romantically interested, things could get awkward fast.

IF YOU DON’T HEAR BACK, LET IT GO.

You’ve been matched with someone who doesn’t respond to your initial message? Oh well. There are many potential reasons for this—some of them good ones—but only one solution: Move on.

BE SMART WITH STRANGERS.

Remember, for one thing, that anything you say or post can be saved as a screenshot. And, for another, that you should arrange first meetings in a public place, ideally as part of a larger group. (To quote your dad: You can’t be too careful.)

INSTAGRAM

When you use this online photo-sharing service, you’re asking people to look—so you’ll want to think carefully about what you’re showing them.

EDIT YOUR PHOTOS.

You went to Arizona and saw dozens of saguaro cacti that were uncannily human-shaped! Unless you’re a professional cactus photographer, nobody wants to see more than two (or one).

GIVE CREDIT WHERE IT’S DUE.

Don’t post other people’s photos or quotes without clear attribution. This means no screen captures, even if you have the best intentions. Use a repost app instead.

RESTRAIN YOUR USE OF HASHTAGS.

A hashtag can provide a funny or interesting interpretation for your photo viewers. But more is not merrier, and overuse of them is a common pet peeve.

THINK OF THE FUTURE YOU.

Your tastes will change, as will your sense of humor, your idea of TMI, and your interest in privacy—but your photos will live on forever. Once more, with feeling: Use caution when posting.

IF YOU DO ONLY ONE THING…

DOREE SHAFRIR is the executive editor of BuzzFeed.

 

The rules of attraction

Across the crowded Starbucks, you notice someone peering adorably at you over his laptop. The mysterious stranger smiles. You smile. You both remove your earbuds. Before you know it, you’ve fallen. Over the next few weeks, this person explodes into your world. No longer do you seem to have other thoughts or interests. (What friends? What family?) Here’s why.

Q. Why am I drawn to certain people?

A. In general, you gravitate toward people like you. Beautiful people tend to go for equally beautiful people, and those from a particular socioeconomic background favor their own. Experts believe this happens because perceived equality contributes to a stable union. But once you get past the bone structure and the bank accounts and into personality attributes, opposites often attract. “We’re apt to fall in love with those who are mysterious and challenging to us,” says Helen Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, in New Brunswick, New Jersey, and the author of Why Him? Why Her? How to Find and Keep Lasting Love. “This pull to another biological type could also be adaptive,” says Fisher. “If two very differ-ent people pool their DNA, they’ll create more genetic variety, and their young will come to the job of parenting with a wider array of skills.”

Q. Is love blind?

A. Not exactly—but once you’re hooked, your vision gets, um, cloudy. “When you’re in a relationship, you’re aware of the other person’s flaws, but your brain is telling you it’s OK to ignore them,” says Lucy Brown, a professor of neuroscience at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, in New York City, who specializes in the brain’s response to love. Some studies have found that when romantic partners look at each other, the part of the brain associated with social assessment and negative emotion is relatively dormant and critical judgment is dulled.

Q. Can love be addictive?

A. Love plays havoc with your body chemistry, causing you to act like an addict bent on scoring her next fix. Case in point: Obsessive-compulsive disorder is correlated with low levels of the brain chemical serotonin. And studies have shown that serotonin levels also decrease in the newly smitten, which is why you can’t seem to get the other person out of your head. Also, norepinephrine and adrenaline levels increase, which can lead to more restlessness and distraction. Sound familiar?

Research by a team that included Brown and Fisher found that people who had recently fallen in love showed strong activity in the area of the brain that produces and receives dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with addictive behavior whose activity increases when you expect to receive a reward. Gamblers and drug addicts experience similar dopamine activity. “You’re not supposed to be satisfied,” says Fisher. “You’re supposed to be driven, so that you can win the person and eventually stabilize your internal chemistry.”

When a relationship ends, you experience symptoms that are similar to an addict’s withdrawal. Your dopamine levels go down, so your mood suffers. Your serotonin levels remain low, so your OCD-ish symptoms may not go away. In response to these imbalances, some scientists believe, risk-taking tendencies go up. “When you can’t have someone but you’re not willing to accept that, you try harder and become more extreme about it,” says Fisher. Interestingly, she says, this compulsive behavior may help you move on faster: “Either you win the person back or you drive him away.”

Q. Why do people cheat?

A. Attraction, romantic love, and attachment involve three overlapping but separate brain systems. “It’s not hard for somebody to sexually desire one person, be infatuated with another, and still want to spend the rest of his or her life with a third,” says Fisher. Because each kind of love serves a unique need and exists in a different context, cheaters are able to divide their emotional resources. Fisher suspects that the urge to stray may be stronger in people who have novelty-seeking, dopamine-sensitive personalities. But factors unique to the relationship—a need for attention, a desire to get out of the situation—are just as likely to fuel infidelity.

Q. Can love affect your health?

A. Yes. People in healthy, stable relationships tend to have less stress, which may translate into better health and immune function. Want more evidence? Creepily, people who are in conflict-ridden relationships might see cuts and bruises heal more slowly—by as much as 40 percent, according to one experiment at the Ohio State University College of Medicine.

Q. So what keeps people together?

A. Hormones and hard work. Restlessness sets in one to two years into a relationship, according to some research. That’s the period in which the chemical activity associated with new love (high dopamine, for example) dies down.

Fortunately, there are ways to keep things exciting. Sexual contact drives up dopamine levels. Novelty does, too, which is the reason you felt so good about your significant other after you backpacked through Europe together. Frequent physical contact is most likely to maintain elevated oxytocin levels, which is why holding hands, stroking your partner, or any other kind of touch can create feelings of attachment. Besides being, you know, fun.

image

COMING OUT: A CHEAT SHEET

IF YOU COME OUT…

• Consider carefully whom you want to tell first. “People think they have to come out to their parents or best friends first,” says Ellen Kahn, the director of the Children, Youth & Families Program at the Human Rights Campaign, a civil-rights organization working on behalf of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Americans. “But the stakes are higher with them. And you get better at having this conversation each time you do it. Come out first to someone you know will be supportive.”

• Make sure you have a private space to talk and that the timing is right.

• Start by saying, “I have something really important to tell you. I’d appreciate if you can just be in listening mode so I can say what I need to,” suggests Kahn. That way, you can (hopefully) make your announcement without being interrupted.

• Be prepared for not-so-great responses. “One bisexual woman came out to her parents, and they said that wasn’t a valid identity. It had never occurred to her they would react that way,” says Kahn.

• Tell the person whether this news is confidential or not. Ask yourself: Are there risks if this information travels further than you’re ready for?

• Practice what you want to say. You do not need to label yourself as lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or anything else unless you wish to. You can even just say that you have questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity.

• Don’t assume the person’s first reaction will stick. “A lot of parents and close family members who initially seem neutral or not totally supportive evolve over time,” says Kahn.

IF SOMEONE COMES OUT TO YOU…

• Express your compassion and admiration for that person. Remember that for many, coming out is still an act of courage.

• Avoid asking if she’s certain about her orientation or gender identity—or anything along the lines of “But wait, you dated a guy last year, so what’s up with that?”

• Don’t say, “Well, duh,” even if it was obvious to you. “You don’t want to invalidate what a big deal this is,” says Kahn.

• Offer your support, now and in the future. She may be afraid your relationship will change; show her it won’t.

 

Come on—fight fair!

Three reasons why you need to learn the rules of engagement: Because you’re old enough to know. Because (oh right) you care about this person. And because the faster you get through the argument, the faster you get to make-up sex.

PICK YOUR BATTLES. You do not have to address every injustice or irritation that comes along with your significant other. But it is a mistake to stay silent when an issue matters and the cost of silence is feeling bitter, resentful, or disconnected.

UNDERSTAND THE STAKES. Even if you think that you know your partner’s issues, it can’t hurt to pose a direct question. Be sure to ask, “What’s your real concern here?”

WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE CALM. When emotions run high, disagreements can turn personal. (“Are you seriously going to watch Game of Thrones all day?” “I don’t know. Is the alternative listening to you gripe at me?”) And that’s rarely productive. Recognize when emotions are charged, and don’t have the conversation until you have a cool head. (And until Game of Thrones is over.)

BE RESPECTFUL. If he thinks you’re listening thoughtfully, he is more likely to respond in kind. Saying “I understand how you feel” can go a long way.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. Rather than criticizing the other person, stick to expressing your own feelings and actions. (“I felt hurt when…” or “I’m concerned because.…”) No one wants to feel attacked.

Speaking of which, DON’T INTERROGATE. Try not to turn all prosecutor, with a litany of yes-or-no questions. This tack is aggressive and puts the other person on the defensive.

DON’T TRY TO WIN. In many instances, the disagreement will end in détente. It’s more important to focus on understanding why he thinks differently than you do.

CONSIDER COMPROMISE. And remember: A compromise doesn’t have to be equal to be acceptable. However, it is important for you to understand what you’re both giving up and to be comfortable with that equation. You don’t have to feel happy about a compromise, but you have to be able to live with it.

 

Girl, you’ll be a woman soon

When did I first feel like an adult? At the moment when my dad convinced me to trust myself. By Julia Fierro

WHEN TWO OF MY COLLEGE FRIENDS asked me to share an apartment, I felt as if I’d struck gold. I’d have the second bedroom, with its own bathroom, all to myself. I fantasized about reading the thick novels I was studying for my 19th-century-literature courses in my very own tub surrounded by fruity-scented shower gels and candles. I had waist-length wavy hair and spent an embarrassing amount of time in front of the mirror each morning coating it with curl gel and crisping it with a hair dryer and a diffuser. Living in a dorm, I hauled my overstuffed shower caddy back and forth from my room to the bathroom. But in this new apartment I could perform my lengthy hairstyling ritual in the privacy of my own bathroom.

This great fortune was due to the fact that both of my new roommates would be men. Jerry and Rob insisted they were fine with sharing a bedroom and bath—and with the three of us splitting the rent equally. The apartment was spacious, had a view of D.C.’s Washington National Cathedral, and was a 10-minute tree-lined walk to our classes at the university. My new living arrangements couldn’t have been more perfect.

At 20, I believed that there wasn’t much of a difference between girls and boys. (The notion of my peers and me as women and men seemed to exist in the distant future.) Sure, this belief was challenged every time I went to a party and was hit on—sometimes with suggestions that I accompany this boy back to his dorm room. But I had made myself believe that I could handle not only myself but also any guy. I knew to say no firmly and not to go to parties alone, and I learned that I had to speak more loudly and butt into a discussion if I wanted to be heard over male voices.

So I didn’t think twice about living with two men. Or, rather, I didn’t until people kept asking: What does your dad think? Is your dad OK with your living arrangements? Again and again—until I, too, began to doubt my choice. My friends shared lots of suggestions that involved lying to my father, like “Don’t tell your dad they’re dudes” and “Tell your dad Jerry and Rob are in a relationship.” I’m ashamed to admit, I was tempted to try the last one.

I didn’t think twice about living with two men. Or, rather, I didn’t until people kept asking: What does your dad think? Is your dad OK with your living arrangements?

image

Why so much concern? My father had always trusted my judgment in the past. However, he had also been born into poverty in southern Italy in 1935, and his experiences were vastly different from my own privileged American life. I worried he would disapprove—and be disappointed in me. In retrospect, I realize I was not only fearful of my father’s response; the problem was, I didn’t yet feel comfortable trusting my own instincts and my ability to make life decisions.

Before I committed to living with Jerry and Rob, I called my father. Although he had met both guys when he had visited the college (and given them giant helpings of his baked ziti), I was nervous. What if my father, a sometimes emotionally unpredictable man, reacted the way so many of my friends expected him to?

“What do you think?” I nervously asked my father.

“You are a very smart woman,” he said. “I trust you.”

A subtle but powerful shift had occurred. I felt changed. It was certainly not the first time I had been called a woman, but it was the first time I had been called one by my father. His trust in me allowed me to take a step closer to trusting myself. For that, and for his gift of confidence in me and in my choices, I was grateful.

JULIA FIERRO IS THE AUTHOR OF THE NOVEL CUTTING TEETH.

image

Help! My friendship needs a fix

Don’t throw sand. Take turns on the swing. If you followed some fundamental rules on the playground, you were guaranteed a pal for life—or at least until second grade. Playing nice as an adult is a little more complicated. Consult these strategies for seeing your friendships through a host of grown-up challenges.

THE PROBLEM: Caitlin knows exactly what you should do in every situation. And tells you.

WHAT TO DO: Speak up—ideally just after she has ordered you to reassess your choice of graduate school/roommate/lunch entrée. Use I statements to make your message seem less confrontational, suggests Christa Schmidt, an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Towson University, in Maryland, and be specific about what’s irking you.

WHAT TO SAY: “I appreciate where you’re coming from on this, and I know you care about me. But it’s not your role to tell me how to live my life. What I need from you is to listen to me and be my friend instead of critiquing my decisions.”

THE PROBLEM: Suzanne’s idiot boyfriend is all kinds of inappropriate.

WHAT TO DO: Definitely don’t complain to her, says Schmidt: “That will put distance between you two, because she won’t want to discuss the relationship, a major part of her life, with you.” Instead, rely on creative scheduling. Plan one-on-one activities with her that you know he won’t want to have any part of—or organize a regular night out.

WHAT TO SAY: “Suzanne, instead of us all going out to dinner Friday night, how about you and I treat ourselves to a pedicure tomorrow?” Exception: If this guy’s bad behavior is serious and you fear for her safety, then be direct. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, and cheating are all grounds for intervention. “Voice your concern for her as just that—concern, rather than an attack on her significant other,” says Schmidt. And communicate that you will be there if the relationship goes belly-up.

THE PROBLEM: Xander needs to borrow some money. Again.

WHAT TO DO: Nothing is guaranteed to end a friendship faster than lending money. It creates an imbalance of power, and you could find yourself scrutinizing your friend’s every cold-pressed-juice purchase, dropping hints about repayment, or morphing into the Mommy Warbucks of the relationship. Explain your answer as a long-standing personal policy rather than a decision specific to her situation, says Leah Ingram, the author of The Everything Etiquette Book: A Modern-Day Guide to Good Manners, and offer to help her find other ways to get what she needs.

WHAT TO SAY: “I’d love to help you get your new Etsy shop off the ground, but I’m not very good at mixing money and friendships. Can I help you research small-business grants instead?”

THE PROBLEM: Rachel is about to ruin her life, and you don’t know how to stop her.

WHAT TO DO: Start by not saying, “What are you thinking?” Then clarify whether your friend wants advice or just a sympathetic ear, says Ingram. Even if she asks for help, you still need to tread lightly, since she probably wants her own thoughts reaffirmed. Try asking her a few strategic questions to steer her toward your perspective, suggests Don Gabor, a communications trainer and the author of How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends. Be careful to avoid leading questions, though, and keep your tone as genuinely inquisitive as possible. Finally, make sure you really listen to her answers; that may be what she needs most.

WHAT TO SAY: Begin with “I don’t want to butt in, but do you need me to help you figure this out, or do you just want me to listen? I’m happy to do either.” Then follow up with questions like “How do you feel about marrying someone you’ve known for only a week?” rather than saying, “What, are you actually hoping to get divorced by 25?”

THE PROBLEM: Debra makes $5,000 more than you and wanted you to know. She has a cuter pug. Oh, and her triathlon time was two minutes faster.

WHAT TO DO: Try not to fall into her me-against-you mind-set, advises Schmidt. When you do feel a comparison coming on—your New Hampshire vacay may have been invigorating, but her solo trek to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro was life-altering—beat Debra to the punch with a preemptive, tongue-in-cheek strike about how much greater her story must be, says Millie Downing, a business-etiquette consultant. Say it with a smile and she might just get the message.

WHAT TO SAY: “Oh, I’m sure you got a much better deal than I did, but I’m happy with my choice.” Or try a neutralizing statement like “I think we both killed that 5K.”

THE PROBLEM: Mitchell is talking about his love issues. For the 20-zillionth time.

WHAT TO DO: Part of being a friend to someone is listening to his problems. But if you’re starting to feel like a part-time therapist, you have to take action. It may help to set an unspoken time limit, like the few minutes it takes to steep a cup of chai, for letting Mitchell vent about how his boyfriend never remembers to text when he’s going to be late. Then step in with a direct question about why he is unwilling or unable to address the issue. Afterward, steer the conversation to a more positive place. Ask him about something you know is going well (his internship, his band), so you get on a new topic without seeming as if you don’t care about what’s happening in his life.

WHAT TO SAY: Jokingly ask, “Didn’t we play this out last month?” Or shoot straight: “What are your choices here? What is holding you back from making a change?”

 

3 ways to be a better friend

Bert and Ernie. Leslie Knope and Ann Perkins. Thelma and Louise. These duos knew what it took to create a meaningful bond. Here, expert suggestions for creating your own enduring relationships (none of which involve driving off a cliff).

1 | Be (genuinely) happy for your friend’s success.

Friends want you to celebrate with them when good things happen. Sometimes that’s harder than it sounds, especially if you’re a little jealous. Swallow that emotion, because she doesn’t only need a shoulder to cry on in a crisis. She’s also looking for someone to cheer her triumphs. Joy shared is joy doubled.

JENNIFER LITCHMAN is one of the 10 lifelong friends who were the subject of the book The Girls From Ames, by Jeffrey Zaslow.

2 | Show a different side of yourself.

One great way to do that is to mix friends from different areas of your life—say, throw a get-together with your college buddies and your pals from work. You’ll find yourself opening up more, and your friends will learn new things about you. Friendships benefit from a breath of fresh air.

SALLY HORCHOW is a coauthor of The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections.

3 | Make small gestures.

You don’t have to go to great lengths, like throwing a surprise party or giving an expensive gift, to show your friends that you love them. Case in point: When I had surgery, about 50 people posted short comments online wishing me well. I was touched. You can also reach out in other ways. Leave your friend a compassionate voice message. It will mean the world.

JASON FALLS is a social-media consultant based in Louisville, Kentucky.

 

image

How to break up (nicely) with friends and significant others

It’s a good thing most relationships aren’t built to last. If you really want to skeeve yourself out, imagine yourself still being with your seventh-grade crush today. But this doesn’t minimize the fact that, in the moment, breakups suck. Here, some pro tips for getting to the other side with your sanity—and maybe even your dignity—intact.

DO tell yourself that it’s over—no wishy-washiness allowed. The more resolute you are about your decision, the easier it will be to broach the subject with the other person—and to hold your ground if and when things get emotional. “If you’re honest with yourself about what’s happening from your perspective, you can find a way to stay with your truth while still being kind,” says Lisa Steadman, a relationship coach and the author of It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown.

DON’T beat yourself up. Ideally, love and friendship last forever—which is why we can feel so much denial, shame, and blame when, more often than not, one or more parties want out. “Breaking up is a rite of passage, but it’s also a big deal,” says Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up With Your Friends. And these feelings of loss are just as real, if not more so, with the dissolution of long friendships as with the loss of a lover.

DO try the slow fade first. Most of us are guilty of perpetuating phone tag, ignoring the occasional e-mail, or ditching a happy hour for a “work thing.” And that’s OK. “Breaking away slowly and passively is a natural first step,” says Bonior. “Maybe you take a little more time getting back to the person; maybe you’re not the one to initiate plans.” But before you feel too relieved, take heed: It works only if the fade is a two-way street. “All too often,” she says, “the slow fade leaves the other person wondering, Why isn’t she returning my calls? Is she mad at me?”

DON’T let it go on too long if the other person is not getting the hint. If the relationship is still working well for her, she may not recognize—or acknowledge—your pulling back. “It can be especially hard to break up with a frenemy,” says Steadman. If you’re having a hard time cutting yourself loose, odds are you have to confront the situation.

DO try to break up in person. If you’ve spent every weekend hanging out with this friend, from your freshman year in college to last Friday night, it’s not fair to ignore his birthday-party Evite and never show your face again. Think: How would you feel if the tables were turned and he was breaking up with you? Don’t lean too heavily on technology if you’ve had a long-term, face-to-face relationship. “Most people don’t want to sit at brunch and have a breakup conversation with a friend,” says Bonior, “but if you’ve been friends for any period of time, it’s what you owe him.”

DO use a lot of I statements. This couples’- counseling trick applies to any tense conversation—especially when one or both parties are bound to walk away feeling hurt. Lean on it as things escalate, says Bonior: “Try ‘I feel like I’m moving in a different direction,’ or ‘I feel that I just don’t have the time.’ ” Global, accusatory statements like “You were never there for me when I needed you,” even if true, will only put the dumpee on the defensive.

DON’T unload the accusations. “If the situation is truly irrevocable, then there’s no need to take out a laundry list of everything she’s done that you’ve hated,” says Bonior. “If you have to get it out, vent to someone later or write in a journal.”

DO end the conversation. You will require two things post-breakup: a stiff drink and some serious boundaries. “That means you don’t take his calls anymore. You don’t text each other all the time,” says Steadman. It will help to have made peace with your decision before starting a conversation—and when it’s finished, to have a few close friends on speed dial.

DON’T answer your (newly) ex-pal or partner’s Gchat. We know: Silence can be deafening—and when you’re caught up in the moment, shooting an emoji off into the ether will seem innocent enough. But in many cases holding back is the only way that either of you can move on. “It can feel harsh or cold, especially if you haven’t filled the emptiness with another relationship, but remember—you’ve already said your piece,” says Steadman. Give yourself the time to grieve—and the space to get your groove back.

 

image

How to get closer to your mom or dad

Your father is your bestie, except when he’s driving you up the wall. You always ask your mother’s opinion—but if you don’t follow her advice, look out! Happily, with a little listening and sympathizing, the ties that bind you don’t have to wind up in knots.

YOUR PARENT-KID RELATIONSHIP: Pals

WHY IT’S GOOD: Because this is a friendship built to last. And it’s fun to spend the holidays with people you actually like.

WHY IT’S CHALLENGING: Sometimes a daughter needs a parent, not a partner in crime. Studies have confirmed what a lot of women know: When daughters face a big life change, like leaving home or getting a first job, they rely on their moms in particular to be experienced advisers, not buddies.

IMPROVING RELATIONS: Both parties need to be aware of their true roles. And that means you can’t be super-close in all ways at all times. For example, you can tell your mom about your annoying girlfriend, but she shouldn’t return the favor and disclose personal information about your father. Let your mom or dad know when you need each one to be a wise advisor, not just a friend.

YOUR PARENT-KID RELATIONSHIP: More like siblings

WHY IT’S GOOD: Because the bickering doesn’t keep you from loving each other.

WHY IT’S CHALLENGING: Did you see where we mentioned bickering? Plus, if you have this kind of relationship, you might be more likely to have a bona fide rivalry. So you may compare yourself with your parent: Oh, my dad is so much more successful than I’ll ever be. Or your Dad might be threatened by your burgeoning career success, especially if his work has hit the skids.

IMPROVING RELATIONS: To mitigate overly competitive feelings, try to understand the ways your parent might feel jealous or competitive, and be especially supportive in those areas. Talk about the way he seems to view your successes, and ask him to support your endeavors.

YOUR PARENT-KID RELATIONSHIP: Sparring partners

WHY IT’S GOOD: Wait—we’re thinking.

WHY IT’S CHALLENGING: It’s confusing for a grown woman to fight with her mother or father about boyfriends or hair length or whether Tofurky is an acceptable Thanksgiving entrée. Parents typically feel ignored and react by badgering. Daughters feel, well, badgered and get defensive.

IMPROVING RELATIONS: Remind your parents that their opinions do indeed matter to you. Repeating comments in the context of “So you’re saying…” lets Dad know that you’re listening, even if his advice isn’t always heeded.

YOUR PARENT-KID RELATIONSHIP: Doppelgängers

WHY IT’S GOOD: Because you finish each other’s sentences and make the same jokes.

WHY IT’S CHALLENGING: With the pressure to be the same, it’s harder to create boundaries. When opinions differ, the stress of trying to gain the other’s approval can be overwhelming. A daughter has to understand that Mom isn’t responsible for her anymore. A mother needs to realize that all her kid’s wins aren’t her own wins; ditto for losses.

IMPROVING RELATIONS: These relationships are so intense because they’re often driven by a fear of abandonment. Daughters should emphasize how deeply they value, say, their mothers’ opinions, then make it clear that certain forthcoming decisions will be solo ones. So many women try to make their mothers agree with them. Don’t try so hard; she’ll love you anyway.

7 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARENTS

image Are you on track to save for retirement?

image Have you consulted a reliable financial planner who can help anticipate your needs as you age?

image Have you written a will? Does someone you trust know where it is?

image Will you give me or another trusted person power of attorney over your financial affairs in case there’s a time you can’t handle them yourself?

image Have you thought about what kind of medical treatment you want in the future—and who would make those decisions if you can’t make or communicate them on your own? Have you put these desires in writing?

image How do you feel about being kept alive with ventilators, feeding tubes, or other interventions? And under what circumstances would you want that?

image If you have advanced-care–planning documents, where do you keep them? Have you shared them with any family members, doctors, or clergy?

 

image

Why can’t we just get along?: A sibling problem-solver

No one knows you better: the good (your graduation party), the bad (your Bat Mitzvah party), and the ugly (two words: self-tanner fail). So it’s no surprise that interactions with your sister or brother can get a little heated.

Why you fight

“There are running themes in sibling relationships,” says Pauline Wallin, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the author of Taming Your Inner Brat. “Envy, bullying, control. From childhood to adulthood, your grumbling is still directed at the same person. The focus just changes from who controls the TV channel to who makes the decisions about your parents’ estate.” Jealousy often fuels adult conflict, as siblings get jobs, get promotions, and get significant others. “Now you’re envious of the job, not the toy truck,” says Avidan Milevsky, Ph.D., the author of Sibling Relationships in Childhood and Adolescence. Perceived parental favoritism at any age can continue to be a sore spot as well. (Does Mom visit him more often than me?)

What it looks like

You no longer wrestle with one another or grab toys (let’s hope). As adults, it’s all about words, from passive-aggressive e-mails to full-blown screaming matches, says Scott Myers, Ph.D., a professor of communication studies at West Virginia University, in Morgantown, and an expert on adult-sibling communication. Through his research, Myers has found that adults tend to be more verbally aggressive with siblings (saying things purposely to hurt them) than with anyone else. Think about it: If you spoke to a supervisor the way you speak to your sister, you would get demoted or worse. Other siblings who butt heads may cut off communication and become estranged.

The silver lining

Heated exchanges between siblings don’t necessarily get in the way of friendship. (You can’t push someone’s buttons unless you’re attuned to what makes him tick.) As siblings age, they mellow, and minor differences begin to pale in comparison with the powerful ties that they share. The Study of Adult Development at Harvard University Health Services, which followed adult subjects for decades, found a substantial correlation between having a strong bond with siblings in one’s early 20s and being emotionally well-adjusted in later adulthood. And, wow, the sibling bond proved more pivotal to adult contentment than did having a successful career or a happy marriage.

How to make peace

Unlike kids, who have no choice but to see one another every day, adults with old rivalries can stop talking and let residual jealousy or stubbornness create permanent rifts. Or they may use family gatherings, such as the holidays, to revisit old slights. (Oh, I see. I still get the dinner plate with the big chip.) The good news is that you can begin to bridge what may seem like a gaping chasm with small acts, says Jane Isay, the author of Mom Still Likes You Best: Overcoming the Past and Reconnecting With Your Siblings. Here’s how to get the goodwill flowing.

IDENTIFY THE REAL PROBLEM. If you’re seething over your sister’s new job, it’s probably a sign that you’re feeling insecure about your own career, says Milevsky. Instead of resenting her (no matter how annoying it is when she mentions her huge salary), try to let this knowledge motivate you to make a change or, at the very least, help you to be gracious toward her.

WORK ON YOUR COMPLIMENTS. If you have a strained relationship with your sister, you probably keep a mental laundry list of her faults. So make a point to say something nice: “I’ve always loved your sense of humor” or “You’ve done a great job balancing your new job and the kids’ schedules.” Says Wallin, “This forces you to look for the positive in her.” Your kindness will not only foster goodwill (who doesn’t love a person who gives compliments?) but also soften your sibling’s attitude. It’s hard to follow up a compliment with a sarcastic or nasty retort, no matter how outspoken your sibling may be.

PREEMPT! If you have a bossy brother, get a jump on his inevitable unsolicited advice and ask his opinion on something mundane: “I need new tires. Do you have any suggestions?” or “I’m tired of my usual dinner routine. Any recipe ideas?” This allows him to feel important (probably his real motivation, anyway) while you stay in control.

SPEAK UP. Many of us carry around old wounds that our siblings inflicted on us in childhood. Maybe you still feel self-conscious about your ears because your brother called you Dumbo. Or perhaps your sister has always teased you for being disorganized, even though your home is now as neat as a pin. It’s time to confront your sibling about that hurt and ask that it come to an end. “We feel our siblings should be able to read our minds because we grew up together,” says Myers. “But that’s not necessarily so. It’s OK to say, ‘I know I was a chubby kid, but that joke isn’t funny now. It’s a sensitive issue for me.’ ” While your 12-year-old sister might not have taken your request seriously, your adult sibling probably will.

SAY YOU’RE SORRY. Any chance you’re the sister who bullies? Sincere apologies go a long way. “Those simple words can work wonders to break a long-standing cycle of perceived slights and defensiveness,” says Wallin. If even that seems scary, start with a baby step. “Sometimes a small olive branch, like offering to get a cup of coffee together, can open up the lines of communication,” says Milevsky. That cuppa Joe could be a few bucks well worth spending.

 

image

10 helpful pieces of life advice

Adulthood is confusing. We seek coping strategies where we can find them: the Tao Te Ching, Yoda, The Rules According to JWoww. (OK, maybe not that last one.) We’ve put together a few more smart ideas for making your way in the world, from 10 truly impressive women. Take a few for the road.

1 | Begin the day with a good book.

I used to get up in the morning and immediately plunge into work. But about six months ago I started doing something different. Now, the very first thing I do is make a cup of coffee, take it back upstairs, and sit up in bed with the book that I was reading the night before. Currently it’s a novel. Before that it was Jon Meacham’s biography of Thomas Jefferson. It’s always something that puts me in a world other than my work world. For the first 15 minutes of the day, I sip coffee and read and take intense pleasure in it all. The minute the cup of coffee is done—or once it’s cold—I put the book down. I really believe that happiness is a collection of small, pleasurable experiences, like buying flowers or eating a square of chocolate. I try to have a few of these moments every day.

ANNE-MARIE SLAUGHTER has written widely on work-life balance. She is the president and CEO of the New America Foundation, a nonprofit think tank and civic enterprise based in New York City and Washington, D.C.

2 | Savor your coffee.

How long did it take you to down your last cappuccino? The next time, take a cue from the Japanese, whose formal tea ceremony can last four hours. Before taking a drink, participants raise their bowls in tribute to all the factors that came together to create that moment—from their ancestors to the farmers who grew the tea to the elders who taught them how to prepare it. Try this amended routine: Focus on the drink in front of you. Notice the smell, and relish the flavor. You’ll find it’s a wonderful daily exercise in mindfulness.

JENNIFER ANDERSON, PH.D., an expert on Japanese tea rituals, is a lecturer in anthropology at San José State University, in California.

3 | Be impatient.

Early in my career, I went to numerous meetings where I was the only woman present. I would want to contribute to the conversation but would think, If I say that, everybody will think it’s really stupid. And then a man would say exactly what I had in mind, and the other participants would find it brilliant. I learned that you shouldn’t wait to speak. I started listening actively, knowing that I was going to comment on something and having it in my mind that I would interrupt at the right moment. It’s both polite and useful to say, “Well, before we proceed to the next subject, I would like to add the following.” If you wait to be called on, often the discussion will move on so far that whatever you’re talking about will not be germane.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT was the first female U.S. secretary of state. She is currently the chair of the Albright Stonebridge Group, a global consulting firm, in Washington, D.C.

4 | Admit how you feel.

When something disturbing happens, I tend to gloss over it at first. But 5 or 10 minutes later, I have to ask myself what I’m feeling and why I feel that way. And then—it sounds so corny, but it really does work—I acknowledge the feeling. I identify it and own it. Then, usually, I can move on. Not that it’s erased from my consciousness, but it’s put in a place where I can move around it and deal with it. For example, I was recently talking on the phone to a friend, and she said something complimentary about someone who had hurt me. After the call, I was overcome with irritation. I thought, Why am I so grumpy? Finally I admitted that I felt irritated, and then the feeling didn’t nag me as much anymore. When an emotion is undefinable, it has more power than when you can see it for what it is.

ANNA HOLMES is the creator of the popular women’s site Jezebel.com and the editor of The Book of Jezebel.

5 | Fake joy.

We think that we act because of how we feel. But we also feel because of how we act. So use this knowledge to change your mood. Jump up and down; getting both feet off the ground makes you feel childlike and energetic. Or go for a walk. Just this morning I got an unnerving e-mail from someone and felt lousy about it. So I headed out for a walk in Central Park with a friend. So many things that tend to make a person happy are wrapped up in one little thing—a walk. It really works! When I got home, I wasn’t irritated anymore. I realized, Yeah, I’ve got my perspective back.

GRETCHEN RUBIN is the author of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home.

6 | Praise yourself.

Every thought we have, including self-criticism, paves a neural pathway. These pathways make it easier for us to have the same response the next time. Eventually some circuits get so big that the thoughts go on autopilot. Instead of going to the default—say, criticizing yourself for working too much instead of spending time with your family—give yourself credit for how much time you are spending with your loved ones. Tell yourself that you’re doing a good job balancing things. At first you won’t believe it. But do it day after day and you’ll eventually build new neural pathways. The positive thoughts will become automatic.

LORETTA GRAZIANO BREUNING, PH.D., is the author of Meet Your Happy Chemicals.

7 | Stop imagining the ideal.

I often grow impatient when I want to be in control of a situation. To avoid getting antsy when I am writing and can’t find specific words for my thoughts, I try to practice self-compassion. I tell myself that I’m not going to quit even if I become frustrated. I’ll say out loud, “You’re not perfect, but that’s OK. Writing can be a messy process, and it’s not ideal, but you can handle it.” Talking to yourself may feel awkward and goofy, but it quells that feeling of impatience. And it certainly beats foraging for carbs, which I’m also apt to do when I’m agitated and have writer’s block.

BRENÉ BROWN, PH.D., is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and the author of the book Daring Greatly. You may have seen her widely viewed talk on TED.com.

8 | Pluck the weeds.

I was miserable on and off in my life till age 39, blaming outside things, like my job or my relationship. And then it hit me: I am the leader of my life, and I can choose to believe what I want. It’s such a simple idea, but it was a pivotal breakthrough. Now, whenever I have an anxious or negative thought, I use a technique that I learned from my love of gardening—one that I also teach to the girls I mentor. I think, Is this thought a weed that is taking up space and needs to be plucked? Or is it a flower that I need to tend and love and let thrive? I focus all my attention on the thoughts that are beautiful blooms and yank out the negative ones.

ELIZABETH KUNZ is the CEO of Girls on the Run, a nonprofit youth-development program.

9 | Let your heart break.

The world is full of what seem like intractable problems. Often we let that paralyze us. Instead, let it spur you to action. There are some people in the world that we can’t help, but there are so many more that we can. So when you see a mother and her children suffering in another part of the world, don’t look away. Look right at them. Let them break your heart, then let your empathy and your talents help you make a difference in the lives of others. Whether you volunteer every week or just a few times a year, your time and unique skills are invaluable.

MELINDA GATES is a cochair of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

image

10 | Know when to listen and when to zone out.

My inner critic is the thing that keeps me doing draft after draft until the work is good. So I trust it and don’t want to silence it completely. But you still need to quiet your mind. I try to meditate twice a day, which helps me feel calm and peaceful. I also exercise—not a class where you’re held hostage by a teacher’s personality, but one where there is dancing and no one is talking to you. It’s impossible for me to worry about a script or scenes or salaries when I’m like, Wait—where do I put my foot?

JENNI KONNER is an executive producer of the HBO series Girls.