Go Figure
I was standing on the shore of a lake in Fort Polk, La., showing some soldiers how to use a compass, when I heard a collective gasp from the group. I quickly wheeled around only to catch sight of a huge alligator crouching in the mud no more than five feet away. Before I could flee for my life, one of my guys let me know I should take my time. “Don’t worry, Sarge, he ain’t movin’,” he shouted. “He fell asleep listening to you too.”
— LARRY THOMPSON
Because of the constant movement in the military, our headquarters command marked parking spaces with acronyms representing the various job titles worthy of reserved spots. A new staff sergeant was immediately struck by the variety of vehicles owned by the person assigned one particularly choice slot—it seemed a different model was parked there each day. Curious, he looked through the base phone book to find out who was in charge of “FCFS,” as the space was marked. Finally, unable to come up with the answer, he asked his coworkers if they knew. That’s when he learned the acronym stood for “First Come, First Served.”
— CAPT. JAMEY CIHAK
Sitting in basic communications training, we were having trouble understanding some concepts of satellite technology. “Come on, guys,” the instructor said, “this isn’t rocket science.” After an uncomfortable pause, a courageous trainee raised his hand and said, “Sir, I’m no genius, but since we are dealing with launching satellites, I believe this actually is rocket science.”
— JON REINSCH
As a professor at Southwest Baptist University in Bolivar, Mo., I often begin class by telling a story about my son who attends the U.S. Naval Academy. Last December, one ingenious student left me a note on the blackboard, wishing me a merry Christmas with the following words: “Feliz Navydad!”
— BING B. BAYER
There were tons of vending machines on base, and as the supply sergeant, I was responsible for all of them. So I pulled in a private and had him count the money. An hour later, he was finished. “Good,” I said. “What’s the count?” He replied, “I have 210 quarters, 180 dimes and 35 nickels.”
— DAVID MORRIS
A friend was visiting me at Davis-Montham Air Force Base and asked me to explain various acronyms. I told him PCS means permanent change of station, NCOIC stands for noncommissioned officer in charge, and TDY is used for temporary duty. Later, we were visiting the ruins of an old fort. I mentioned that an assignment there must have been very tedious. My friend asked, “What’s TDS?”
— ROBERT WIDO
Think Again
One day a young Air Force enlisted man walked into the base newspaper office where I work and said he’d like to place an advertisement. “Classified?” I asked. “No, ma’am,” he replied with great seriousness. “It’s unclassified.”
— MONICA COSTELLO
“Talk about service.”
While attending a formal military dinner with my boyfriend, an Army National Guardsman, I was baffled by the number of acronyms that were used. Finally I turned to the colonel next to me and said, “You should have a translator here for civilians. I don’t speak ‘Acronym.’ ” “I guess I never thought about it,” he said apologetically. “So what do you do for a living?” “Oh,” I replied, “I work for a CPA.”
— URSULA KLEIN
My squad leader decided to try to break the base record of 424 push-ups. With our physical-training instructor standing over him, he knocked out 100 quick ones before he settled into a steady rhythm. We were sure he’d break the record, but at 390 he paused at the top and began to shake his head from side to side before slowly continuing. After finishing his 402nd push-up, he paused again, shook his head, coughed, then collapsed. As we walked back to our barracks, our instructor cracked a rare smile. “You gotta give that guy credit,” he said. “If he had just been able to shake that wasp away from his face instead of inhaling it, he’d have broken the record for sure.”
— MSGT. PATRICK L. HATHAWAY
Two days before officers-training graduation, I bragged that my single demerit was the lowest in the company. The next day I saw with chagrin a slip on my bunk, and was thoroughly humbled when I read the list: 1 Demerit: Littering. Penny under bed 1 Demerit: Lincoln needs a shave and a haircut 1 Demerit: Trying to bribe an officer 1 Demerit: Bribe not enough.
— FREDERIC P. SEITZ
My daughter recently returned from Iraq on a civilian airplane. Before boarding, she and her squad went through the metal detectors. She’d forgotten she had her Swiss army knife in her pocket, and it was confiscated. Upset, she joined the other soldiers as they boarded the plane, carrying their M-16 rifles.
— MICHAEL DELUCA
Crew cut, flattop, buzz cut . . . . Whatever you call them, military haircuts are not always the height of fashion. And even the military recognizes that. While passing a U.S. armed services barbershop in Heidelberg, Germany, I saw these rates that were posted in the window: Haircuts: $7 Military Haircuts: $6
— ERIC GERENCSER
At the Oceana, Va., Naval Air Station, I was training a young ground-crew member on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit. I glanced over to check wing clearance and, when I looked back, discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward for the fuel hose to reach. “You’ll have to send him around again,” I informed the trainee. “What?” he said, surprised. “They spend millions on these things and you can’t put them in reverse?”
— JOHN G. RUTGERS
Flashlights used by my National Guard unit can withstand almost anything. And to prove it, they come with a lifetime warranty. Nevertheless, nothing is indestructible, which is why the warranty also cautions, “Void with shark bites, bear attacks and children under the age of five.”
— CARMEN HILL
As a Marine captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir,” or “Second Marine Division, General.” But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, “Which outfit are you in?” the Marine replied, “Dress blues, sir, with medals!”
— JOHN D. BRATTEN
Although fighting the enemy is considered normal, the Army frowns upon fighting among the troops. So much so that after one too many battles royal, my uncle was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation in which he had to endure some odd questions. “If you saw a submarine in the Sahara, what would you do?” “Well, I’d throw snowballs at it,” he answered. “Where’d you get the snowballs?” the doctor asked. “Same place you got the submarine.”
— HANNAH ETCHISON
I was playing cards on my bunk by myself when I suddenly felt a presence looming over my shoulder. It was a young private. “Excuse me,” the private finally said, as he tried to follow the game. “What are you playing?” “Solitaire,” I replied. “Oh,“ he said, as he walked away. “I didn’t know you could play that without a computer.”
— ROBERT OWENS
Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The label read:
“In case of an emergency, unzip and exit through the top.”
— KEITH J. WALTERS
While my brother-in-law was in the Army, he had a desk job and his own office. At coffee breaks, he listened to officers complain about how they couldn’t get their work done with all the interruptions. Once he got promoted, he knew what they were talking about. That’s when they changed the nameplate on his door—to Corporal Meeting, from Private Meeting.
— JEANNE HAYNES
Don’t Ask
Stationed on Guam, I was part of the SEAL team conducting a training mission to simulate terrorist activity. In the early hours of the morning, our duty officer called the area commander to report that the SEALs had cut a hole in the base perimeter fencing, broken into a building and taken hostages. Sleepily, the commander asked our duty officer if the hole in the fence was simulated. “Yes, sir” was his reply. “And were the break-in and hostages simulated?” After another affirmative answer, the commander asked, “Then why didn’t you simulate this phone call?”
— RICHARD DESMOND
While on my desk assignment in the Army, I noticed that my coworker Rick never answered his phone. One day I asked him why. “If you had to pick up the telephone and say, ‘Statistical section, Specialist Strasewski speaking,’” Rick replied indignantly, “you wouldn’t want to answer it either!”
— KATHERINE FIDDLER
I arrived in Texas on a warm fall day, ready to begin my tour as an exchange student from the Canadian armed forces. When I met the commanding officer, he pointed out how lucky I was to be in his state at this time of year. “Yes, sir,” I agreed, “the weather here is much better than back in Ontario.” “Weather?” said the colonel. “I’m talking about football season!”
— MICHAEL KYTE
One night my husband, Lee, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, my husband exclaimed, “That’s Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him.” Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, Lee quietly remarked, “You know you’re getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel than in the news.”
— SHERRY H. FAIR
The executive officer of the unit where I worked in the National Guard Armory went to a government office to take care of some business. The clerk there gave him two index cards with identical questions on them. The officer filled both out, but when he handed them in, he asked the clerk why she needed two cards with the same information. Stapling the cards together, she said, “That’s in case we lose one.”
— BILL JOHNSON
When my husband was a civilian working overseas for the Air Force, he entered a golf tournament sponsored by the air base in Moron, Spain. He won the tournament, but he has always been reluctant to show off his award. The trophy reads, “First Prize Moron.”
— FONTAINE CHASE
When my son joined the Marine Corps, his cousin was already an Army officer. The two were home on leave at the same time, and had a wonderful time exchanging stories. But after hearing one Marine joke too many, my son finally chastised his cousin with: “Man, haven’t you learned what ARMY stands for?” “No, what?” “Ain’t Ready for Marines Yet.”
— ANNE HICKS
At the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the “dirty work” of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, “You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?” “Sir, no, sir,” he snapped back. “The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!”
— BRIAN SMITH
Glenn, my husband, is stationed in Belgium, where his job includes proofreading English documents written by European officers. Once a German lieutenant colonel brought him a lengthy paper. “I should have my wife look it over,” Glenn said. “She’s an English major.” “Oh,” the colonel replied, “I didn’t realize your wife was in the British army.”
— ANNA MAGGARD
Getting By
While reading our headquarters’ monthly training report, I noticed that it included a motto, “Committment to Excellence.” I immediately notified the office that produces the report that commitment had but one “t” in the middle. On our next report, our motto had changed to “Committed to Excellence.”
— WERNER WOLF
During an exercise, I heard a radio transmission between a captain and a lieutenant who was a new platoon leader. After the lieutenant reported over an unsecured radio network that the unit was located at a certain map coordinate, the captain told his young charge that he should not give his location “in the clear.” The lieutenant replied, “We’re not in the clear. The platoon is located in the woods next to the farmer’s barn.”
— MAJ. RON MCCANDLESS
A friend recently went through Army Ranger training in Florida. During the second day of the brutal “swamp phase,” as the soldiers were rowing an inflatable raft down a river, a fishing boat cruised by with two scantily clad sunbathers on deck. The harsh rigors of the training suddenly came into focus when my friend turned to his buddy and asked, “I wonder if they had any food in that cooler?”
— SAVOY WILSON
When my family lived on Okinawa, one of the biggest events of the year was the military’s Fourth of July celebration, which culminated in a spectacular fireworks display. One year, as we joined the early evening crowd on the improvised midway, we watched with alarm as three tipsy airmen headed for the commanding officer. One of the men ambled up to the general and, without even a salute, cheerfully swatted his arm. “Say,” the airman inquired, “what time do the fireworks start?” The general eyed him coolly for a moment then replied, “Any minute, son. Any minute.”
— MEG FAVILLE
My son-in-law had just joined the Navy and had gone for a walk downtown to show off his brand-new uniform. After passing a few restaurants and bars, he decided to stop off for a refreshment. A waitress came over to him and said, “Draft, sir?”
“Nope,” he replied. “Enlisted.”
— BARBARA COOK
A friend often told me about the problems he had getting his son to clean his room. The son would always agree to tidy up, but then wouldn’t follow through. After high school the young man joined the Marine Corps. When he came home for leave after basic training, his father asked him what he had learned in the service. “Dad,” he said. “I learned what ‘now’ means.”
— JAN KING
A quality-control clerk, I once was stationed at a Florida Navy base with a chief petty officer who had an attaché case identical to mine. The cases were stylish and durable, but it was nearly impossible to tell which side was the top. One day, after the chief spilled pens and papers on the floor of our office, he got fed up. He grabbed a can of spray paint and wrote “TOP” on the case. But he hadn’t turned the case over before marking it, and I did all I could not to laugh at his mistake. “I can’t believe I did that,” he finally said with disgust. “I know,” I said, chuckling. “You painted the bottom of your case.” “It’s worse than that,” he said. “This isn’t my case.”
— BRUCE FRAZIER
My husband, a Marine Corps drill instructor, walked into the barracks after boot-camp graduation and saw a new Marine and his family circling one of the large metal trash cans. When my husband asked his former charge what he was doing, the man replied, “Just showing my family the alarm clock.”
— LISA M. JONES
At Travis Air Force Base in California, I was assigned to the electronic-component repair section of my shop. Because of the electrical hazards of the job, we were forbidden to wear watches and rings while performing our duties. One day our foreman walked through our area and admonished one of my coworkers for wearing a watch while repairing a part. “Oh, it’s okay,” the worker protested. “This watch says it’s ‘shock-resistant.’ ”
— SOURCE UNKNOWN