Hey Medic
The time came for annual immunizations at our overseas Air Force base. To get us all vaccinated as quickly as possible, they pressed the veterinary surgeon into helping out. I got my injection from the vet. “Wow,” I said, “you did that so gently, I hardly felt it.” “I have to be gentle,” he said. “My patients can bite.”
— ANTONY MWANGI
Newly minted as an ensign, I reported for duty at the naval medical center in San Diego, ready to follow all the rules. Expecting a no-nonsense environment, I was surprised to see a sign above the door of my new ward: “Welcome to Proctology. To expedite your visit, please back in.”
— DIANE PENCE
My company was standing in line for shots and medical exams at the Naval Training Center Great Lakes. We each wore only an iodine number on our chests, and were surprised when a nurse suddenly walked in. Assessing the situation, she solved our problem when she yelled, “Close your eyes, fellows. I’m coming through.”
— DANIEL RESPESS
I was new to the emergency medical branch at Fort Leonard Wood, Mo., where about ten platoon members and I were checking and stocking equipment. Suddenly a bell began to ring, and everyone dropped his equipment, grabbed his hat and headed for the exits. I did the same, scrambling to get out of the building. Concerned, I asked another soldier what was going on. “The ice-cream truck is here!” he replied.
— SUSAN HAL
After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to a bum shoulder, he couldn’t fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another physician. “Let him pass,” said the second doctor. “I don’t see any problems unless he has to surrender.”
— BETTY LEE
When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits. The next day my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: “Right war, wrong side.”
— M. MURRAY
A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. “What’s that?” I asked, unable to make out the design. “It’s a banjo,” he said sheepishly. “I’m from Alabama.”
— MARY K. PARKER
As a first-time patient at a naval dental clinic, I was looking around for the restrooms. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the sign pointing me in the right direction. It said “Patients’ heads located upstairs.”
— KEITH BROCATO
Stating the Obvious
My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: “The Atlantic Ocean.”
— VICKI L. BAILEY
I was at an Air Force hospital as a second-year medical student. After assisting during a knee surgery, the nurse anesthetist and I were having trouble waking the patient. Our staff physician, however, knew what to do. “Marine,” he shouted, “this is Colonel Smith.” The patient then promptly sat straight up on the gurney and replied, “Sir!”
— 2ND LT. JOSHUA CAREY
My father-in-law, a retired Army officer, was recently in the hospital for surgery, and on the day of his operation, I went to wish him luck. I quickly found out he hadn’t lost his military bearing—or his sense of humor. After I knocked, I heard him call out, “Friend or enema?”
— DEBORAH MARTIN
As a members of an Air Force Reserve medical unit, we worked with nurses just out of nursing school who were not used to military ranks. This notice appeared on our bulletin board: “There will be a meeting of all junior officers at 1300 hours today. If you are not sure if you are a junior officer, plan on attending.”
— MARY SCHMIDT
During the time I was a first lieutenant at Seymour Johnson Air Force Base in North Carolina, the junior officers challenged the senior officers to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in my left arm, the technician applied a Band-Aid, then inserted a needle into my right arm, and after drawing blood, put a bandage on that arm as well. As I left the collection facility, I passed a colonel. Noting my two bandages, he looked at me and shook his head, saying, “I knew you young guys would find a way to cheat.”
— JAMES H. DILDA
There was a long-standing practice at our hospital in Virginia that physicians with a rank of major or above did not have to rotate through nighttime emergency-room duty. A new commanding officer, however, issued an order that all physicians, regardless of rank, must take ER call. On his first night of emergency-room duty, our pathologist, a major, had to see a colonel’s wife who was complaining of abdominal pain. “I’ll try to evaluate you as best as I can,” he said after introducing himself. “But I must inform you that you are the first living patient I’ve seen in fifteen years.”
— JAMES R. RAYMOND, M.D.
When I entered the Army medical center on base 20 minutes prior to delivering my baby, I had a hard time convincing the staff that I was definitely in the last stages of labor. We had waited 10 minutes in the pre-admittance area when a nurse finally came in and said, “My name is Captain Smith, but you can call me Lisa.” “I’m Chaplain Barclay,” my husband responded, “but you can call me Kleet.” “My name is Holly,” I added in frustration, “but in a few minutes you can call me Mom!”
— HOLLY BARCLAY
While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital’s emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient’s room and blurted, “Hi, I’m Ensign Payne.” “Hi,” the patient responded. “I’m in some pain, too.”
— MIKE PAYNE
Use What You Know
While assigned to the Naval Medical Center in San Diego, I overheard this conversation between a pharmacy technician and a sergeant who needed a prescription filled for his son. Technician: “How old is your boy?” Sergeant: “Three months.” Technician: “What’s his weight?” Sergeant: “About two M-16s.” Technician: “Loaded or unloaded?”
— MARCELO BUNDANG
As a physical therapist, I was working with a retired Army colonel. During part of his rehab, I had him walk back and forth while facing me the entire time. “Colonel,” I joked, “you walk better backward than forward.” “Yeah,” he deadpanned. “My battalion retreated a lot.”
— JENNIFER SEKULA
The scale at our clinic in Iraq was pitiful. Just to get it working properly required plenty of kicking and stomping. One day, as I was going through my weighing-in routine, a medic walked by. Watching as I pounded the scale with my feet, he wondered aloud, “Killing the messenger?”
— DAWN NEHLS
An odd thing happened when I contacted the Navy about my health care: They said their records listed me as “deceased.” The petty officer I spoke to was very helpful and input my current information into the computer. But a window popped up and balked: “Are you sure you want to resurrect Joseph S. Clein?”
— JOSEPH S. CLEIN
As an Army dentist, one day I treated a general on base. During his visit I had to make impressions of his teeth, and the puttylike substance I used smeared all over his lips and cheeks. After I was done I invited him over to the sink, gave him a moist towel and asked him to “clean up the mess I made” while I filled out the lab report. When I turned back around, my heart skipped a beat as I watched the general wipe up the counter around the sink.
— LT. COL. WILLIAM C. ELTON
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he placed the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn’t hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought.”
— SHERRI VINIARD
While visiting a VA hospital with my son, I overheard a retired Army sergeant asking people which branch of the military they’d served in. Some said Army, a few Navy, others Air Force. “What were you in?” she asked a man who’d just entered the room. Confused, he mumbled, “The bathroom.”
— SUSAN LOPSHIRE
Going through some of my grandfather’s old books, I found a Serviceman’s Spiritual Handbook from World War II. “I didn’t know Pop Pop was in World War II,” I said to my father. “Where was he stationed?” “He was in the Army at Cape Hatteras, assigned as a lookout to watch for German U-boats,” my father replied. “So he was never in active combat abroad?” I queried. “That’s right,” my father answered. “The Army didn’t think his eyesight was good enough.”
— SARAH B. PAUL
Two weeks after having a vasectomy, I was discussing the procedure with a friend who was going to have one, too. “It was quick outpatient surgery,” I assured him, “although I did experience some minor complications because of infection.” He looked worried, so I tried to lighten the mood. “Hey, I only paid $15 for the operation after insurance—I guess you get what you pay for.” “Oh, no,” he exclaimed in alarm. “I’m having mine done at the naval hospital—and it’s free!”
— STEVE M. WHALEN
The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be preauthorized. So when we were expecting our first child, my husband and I did things by the book. After our son was born on September 22, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our insurer’s representative. “The problem is, your son was born early,” she said, looking through my files. “And the Air Force hadn’t authorized him to arrive for another two weeks.”
— AMY AMSDEN
I didn’t enlist in the Army—I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?” “What letters?” I answered slyly. “Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”
— ROBERT DUPREY