Rank and File
Reporting to Camp Lejeune, I was glad my husband had already explained to me that a “Commissioned Officers Mess (open)” is open to all officers, whereas a “Commissioned Officers Mess (closed)” is limited to officers residing on base. Therefore, I understood this message: “During the holidays the Commissioned Officers Mess (open) will be closed. The Commissioned Officers Mess (closed) will be open.”
— PATRICIA W. MINER
My cousin, a senior airman in the Air Force, and my brother-in-law, a Marine sergeant, were comparing their experiences in the Saudi Arabian desert. They commiserated about the heat, sand and food. But when my Air Force cousin grumbled about the uncomfortable beds and the small tents, my Marine brother-in-law looked surprised. His astonishment grew as my cousin went on to complain about the unreliable air-conditioning and meager choice of cable channels. Finally the Marine spoke up: “Tents? You had tents!”
— A. K. MCNEILL
The theater group at our Navy base delayed the opening curtain until well after the 8 P.M. starting time because the commanding officer was still conspicuously absent from his reserved front-row seat. Since we were all aware of military protocol, everyone waited patiently. When a member of our drama club finally spotted the captain settling into his seat, we quickly dimmed the lights. That’s when we heard the captain proclaim to his wife, “Great luck! We made it just in time.”
— LEE R. FEATHERINGHAM
While visiting our daughter Susan, who was stationed at Fort Hood Army Base, we joined her at the officers club. Upon entering the building, Susan hung her cap in the hall, and I asked her if she wasn’t afraid that someone might take it. “No, I’m not worried,” she said, sighing. “No one wants to be a second lieutenant.”
— DOROTHY THOMPSON
After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. “Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world,” I said, “but for the past three months all I’ve seen is water.” “Lieutenant,” he replied, “three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army.”
— PAUL NEWMAN
While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. “What rank are you?” I asked. “I’m relieved to say that I’ve just been promoted from captain to major.” “Relieved? Why?” “Because,” he replied, “my last name is Hook.”
— BARBARA BLACKBURN
I was scolding our pastor for his habit of starting church services five or ten minutes late. I mentioned that in my years with the Air Force, when the general scheduled us to take off at 0700 hours, he didn’t mean 0705 or 0710. The pastor smiled at me and said, “My general outranks your general.”
— BOB BALTZELL
When we agreed to help our sergeant move to a new apartment, we didn’t know the elevator wasn’t working. So after hours of carrying heavy boxes and furniture up 11 floors, we were wiped out. And when the sergeant asked us to search for his favorite pot, no one moved. “I’ll give a bottle of Scotch to whoever finds it,” he shouted. Within minutes, a private found the pot. “Good,” said the sarge. “Now look for the Scotch.”
— WOO-KI SOHNN
Todd, my son, joined the Marines. When he went to take the placement and physical exams, he was in a room full of candidates for all the military services. Todd overheard someone near him say, “Aren’t the Marines just a department of the Navy?” “Yes,” came the response. “They’re the men’s department.”
— EMILY MURPHY
When my husband was reassigned to Fort Knox, in Kentucky, he was told we couldn’t live together off base. Instead, he’d have to stay in the barracks with the other grunts. My husband begged his sergeant to clear up the matter. But it was no use. “Son,” said his sergeant, “if the Army wanted you to have a wife, we would have issued you one.”
— DIANE RAY
Pulling Rank
The enlisted guys may have won the annual softball game against the officers, but they lost the public relations war. Here’s how I wrote it up for our naval base’s Plan of the Day: “The officers powered their way to a second-place finish, while the noncoms managed to finish next to last.”
— DAVID FRIEL
During a staff meeting at the Air Force base, the captain disagreed with everything being discussed. The commander, a general, grew annoyed, and let the younger officer know it. “Well, sir,” said the captain, “I doubt you made general by agreeing with everything someone else recommended.” “That’s true,” said the general, leaning in. “But that is how I made major.”
— HAROLD R. LONGMIRE
My husband works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of his coworkers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots. One day the fuel guys decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, “Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians.”
— AMBER ANDERSON
Officer candidate school at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, was tough. During an inspection, a fellow soldier received 30 demerits for a single penny found within his area. Ten demerits were for “valuables insecure,” ten because the penny wasn’t shined, and ten because Abraham Lincoln needed a shave.
— JACK HOWELL
My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant. After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, “Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I’m Frank Burns.” Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.
— JACQUELYN MILLER
Our patient in the hospital was a big, burly former officer. Just after surgery, and still half out of it, he became agitated and confused, tearing at his IVs and trying to escape his bed. The nurses gamely attempted to keep him calm, but were losing this battle. That’s when my old Air Force training came in handy. “Colonel!” I commanded. “At ease.” And with that, the colonel fell back to sleep.
— PATTY ANDREWS
My daughter, Emily, was telling a friend that her brother, Chris, was training to become a Navy submariner. The friend, who had just been assigned to a Navy destroyer, good-naturedly called Chris a Bubblehead. Later I related the story to Chris and asked if he’d heard the term. He said he had and added, “We also have a name for people who work on destroyers.” “What is it?” I asked. “Targets.”
— JO BARKER
“I’ve got attention deficit disorder, Sarge.”
As a young Navy recruit, I discovered early on where I stood in the chain of command after stepping on a cockroach. “What have you just done?” demanded a petty officer who was walking by. “Just killed a cockroach, sir,” I answered. “Next time salute it first. They have more time in the Navy than you do.”
— TOM MAY
A Rose Is a Rose
As a benefits specialist in the Marines, I traveled around delivering lectures on life insurance. After listening to a dozen of these talks, the corporal who drove me from base to base insisted he knew my entire spiel by heart. “Prove it,” I said. So at the next base the corporal delivered the speech. As he ended his flawless performance, a Marine asked, “What do I pay for insurance after I leave the Corps?” My driver froze. Was the jig up? Would ignorance of the facts force him to crumble? Not my corporal! “Marine,” he said sternly, as he pointed to me, “that is such a dumb question that I am going to let my driver answer it.”
— E. M. CROSSMAN
As a fluid-dynamics engineer, I was invited to give a lecture at a classified meeting attended by military officials. To break the ice, I began my talk with a joke. Several days later, at a restaurant, I ran into a naval officer who had heard my speech. “Would you mind repeating that joke here?” he asked. “That way it won’t be considered confidential anymore, and I can tell it to others.”
— PHILIP DIWAKAR
When I was stationed at Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma, we had a sergeant who made sure everyone knew who was boss. “You have one stripe on your arm, and I have four,” he yelled in the face of one airman third class. “That makes you nothing! So when I bark, I expect you to move. Because I’m in charge!” “Big deal,” said the unimpressed airman. “A sergeant in charge of nothing.”
— MARVIN WARD
Sixty years ago, the Japanese surrendered, bringing World War II to an end. One of the heroes of the war was Chester Nimitz. At a postwar speech, the admiral recounted this story: “As an ensign, I told a sailor to put himself on report for wearing an extremely dirty uniform. I watched the daily report list, but the sailor’s name never appeared. When I ran into the man again, I yelled, ‘Didn’t I order you to put yourself on report?’ “ ‘Aye, aye, sir,’ said the sailor. ‘But after mulling it over, I decided to give myself another chance.’ ”
— ALBERT VITO
Officiating at an Air Force wedding, I was impressed with how meticulous the groom and his attendants looked in their formal uniforms. The bride’s brother, a Coast Guard officer candidate, arrived just before the start of the ceremony. There was a gasp as he took his place beside the others, donning a pair of white gloves, which were standard for his uniform. The gloveless Air Force officers were embarrassed by this inconsistency among the men. “Not to worry,” assured the proud but outnumbered brother, as he removed his gloves. “My senior officer told me if this happened, I should lower my sights to comply with Air Force standards.”
— REV. PAUL W. ATWATER
An annual survey among my fellow junior officers indicated that lack of communication from our superiors was a big problem. The commanding officer, however, refused to believe the results. “If communication is really so bad,” he demanded of his department heads, “why am I only hearing about it now?”
— RICKEY RUFFIN
Military cost-cutting has hit everything, including toilet paper. Only the cheapest graces our latrines. So when a couple of boxes filled with the good stuff—two-ply tissue!—fell in our laps, it was like manna from heaven. But the next morning, our behinds were brought down to Earth. It was all a mistake. The boxes had been intended for the officers club. “I should have known,” grumbled the supply sergeant. “Our officers demand everything in duplicate!”
— GARY WINTER
No one on my uncle’s troop ship was particularly upset when a much-loathed sergeant went overboard. No one except the captain. “How did this happen?” he demanded, as the sergeant dried off. “That’s the wrong question, sir,” yelled a sailor. “Try asking him whether he was pushed or shoved.
— MALCOLM ELVY
My brother-in-law, Steve, and one of his fellow soldiers were assigned to wax the floors of their barracks. They’d heard that if they got the wax really hot, it would just glide across the floor, cutting their labor time in half. Unfortunately, as they were heating the can of wax with a cigarette lighter, it caught on fire, setting off alarms and attracting fire trucks, ambulances and the police. Steve had to report to his sergeant’s office immediately. Assuming he was in big trouble, he took a deep breath as he faced his superior. But before Steve could say a word, the sergeant simply muttered, “Been there, done that. You’re free to go.”
— JEREMY NOBLE