Ben was already thinking about footy season. On the footy field, ducking and weaving through the other bodies as if he was an atom, he felt untouchable. With the girls on the sidelines and the coach rocking back and forth on his feet, and the backslapping afterwards in the change room. Nice work, Bloomo, they’d say.
After the game he always smoked a joint with Jimmy and walked home stoned. Plenty of girls would come to him just like the ball did. They’d let him undo the buttons on their shirts.
But he’d never really wanted a girl for real. It annoyed him a bit. He wished he hadn’t even thought of it. He feared there was something he was missing out on. Jimmy thought about one girl only, and for her, for Laura Petty, he would do anything. He watched Laura Petty with a fretful sadness because she never showed any interest in him. Ben kissed her one night under the white cedar in the schoolground and she leaned back so willingly, he saw her eyes close. But she was no different to the others. He never told Jimmy; if Jimmy ever found out he would have gone mad with the agony of such a betrayal. He would have rushed at Ben, flailing, punching, yelling, even though he was scrawny. He had the passion of a wild cat. Ben envied him that. If life lacked grit, passion would give him a grip on something, the way he’d thought cheating death would.
That was the problem with the death of Mr Layton. Everyone else had been so affected by it. Ada still moped. But that was because she took everything so personally. And Martha was full of sorrow too. It was hard to know if it was the fox or Mr Layton, but she was worse after it all. More needy, more wronged.
But at least Martha bore the death with some dignity. Women could do this better. His father couldn’t. He seemed to have lost his mind, rousing from stupefied silences to shout suddenly at Ada for nothing, or to leave a room and hide on his own somewhere else. He had even taken to walking with PJ.
And then there was Tilly, who now seemed focused on leaving. She was waiting for her exam results. The sudden effort she put in to get through those exams was the first time Ben had witnessed any aspiration in Tilly at all. If she had done well it could set up an expectation. If Tilly might now succeed at something, it might mean he should try.
But then again, it probably wouldn’t.