Praying for Your Husband to Be a Leader
The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.
EPHESIANS 5:23
It’s hard to imagine, but marriage was not man’s invention. No, it was all God’s idea. In fact, marriage was the first institution God established with the first couple ever, Adam and Eve. In them He formed the perfect team. Together they were told to rule the world. They were to be a unified and indivisible force. However, with the entrance of sin into the world, the Adam and Eve team became fractured as each brought their self-interests into the marriage. From that point in time onward, leadership within marriages has been a hotly debated subject—and a hot topic in many marriages!
Hundreds of centuries later, the New Testament book of Ephesians gave us wives a verse we can use to pray for our husbands. At a time when the institution of marriage was in severe trouble, not only in the Jewish community but also in Greek and Roman societies, the apostle Paul presented some revolutionary instructions for fulfilling God’s design for marriage.
And amazingly, what Paul wrote in Ephesians is still revolutionary for our world today! He said that a Christian marriage will function best if the husband is the leader. Quite a concept, right?
God’s Winning Formula
I’ve been sharing throughout this book that I lived… no, I survived… 28 years of living without a set of working guidelines for life. Then, as a new Christian who had failed miserably as a wife for 8 years, I wanted to know exactly what it was that God wanted me to know, to be, and to do. So I dug into my new Bible to find out what it said about my role as a wife. As I read, I noticed that God’s plan was really quite simple—and very clear. God’s foundation for marriage is found in your verse to pray for your husband. Take a minute to read the verse on the first page of this chapter.
My Prayer for My Husband 
Ephesians 5:23
Dear Lord, I pray that You will strengthen and enable __________ to own his role as the head of our marriage as Jesus owned His role as head of the church. Guide __________ and give him Your wisdom. Strengthen his faith and trust in You as he leads us as a couple and a family with love and purpose.
In the beginning and for all time thereafter, there has been only one perfect marriage. That was between Adam and Eve. It was perfect because there was no sin. God, being sinless, could only create what was pure and sinless. Therefore, Adam and Eve were pure and sinless. Can you imagine the joy and harmony this couple experienced 24/7? No arguments. No snide remarks. No struggles with decision making. Each and every day was utterly perfect. Pure bliss and zero stress. Never a moment of fear or disappointment. No money worries. Oh, and no in-law problems! Ahhh… sweet!
We don’t know how long this privileged couple had before the world of sin came crashing down around them. From the point of the first conniving attack by “the serpent”1 on Eve and the couple’s ensuing defeat, our enemy Satan has been using the same successful strategy to attack and destroy marriages. And he’s got plenty of everyday help from our selfish sin nature, which does an adequate job of keeping marriage partners at odds with each other.
Here’s how things went in Genesis 3 with Adam and Eve. As you read along, keep reminding yourself that the same actions and attitudes occur in marriages today, including yours.
Blaming one another or others—A natural response to problems is for each partner to blame the other for what happened. In the perfect Garden of Eden, the serpent tempted Eve to eat the fruit God has expressly forbidden her and Adam to eat. In fact, it was the only thing Adam and Eve were not to do! Well, you know the story: Eve ate the fruit… and then gave the fruit to Adam… who ate the fruit as well (Genesis 3:6).
When God called Adam, Eve, and the serpent together after the fall into sin had occurred, the blame worked its way right back up the chain:
• Adam blamed Eve, saying, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate” (verse 12).
• Eve then blamed the serpent: “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (verse 13).
Neither Adam nor Eve took responsibility for their actions. Each looked around to see where they could place the blame.
And unfortunately, the blaming still goes on today. Neither partner wants to shoulder any of the blame when things go wrong. And this is where leadership in a marriage caves in.
My husband, Jim, has been writing to men on the topic of leadership for many years, and he believes that Adam should have stepped up and taken responsibility for what happened. Adam was responsible for Eve. Notice that God summoned and addressed Adam about what the two of them had done—not Eve: “Then the Lord called to Adam and said to him… ” (verse 9).
The battle of the sexes began and continues—We don’t know what might have happened if Adam had taken leadership and responsibility, but according to Scripture, God then judged this threesome and meted out their punishment. Things would never be the same in the world or in Adam and Eve’s marital relationship.
Read on to see what happened:
So the LORD God said to the serpent: “Because you have done this, you are cursed more than all cattle, and more than every beast of the field; on your belly you shall go, and you shall eat dust all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel” (verses 14-15).
To the woman God said, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (verse 16).
Then to Adam He said:
Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, “You shall not eat of it”: Cursed is the ground for your sake; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, and you shall eat the herb of the field. In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for dust you are, and to dust you shall return (verses 17-19).
Commenting on the results of the fall and Adam and Eve’s sin, one theologian notes:
Because of sin and the curse, the man and the woman will face struggles in their own relationship. Sin has turned the harmonious system of God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will. Lifelong companions, husbands and wives, will need God’s help in getting along as a result. The woman’s desire will be to lord it over her husband, but the husband will rule by divine design.2
Have you ever lost an expensive pair of earrings and spent hours searching for them? I’m guessing you didn’t give up until you found them, right? Well, think about this: How much more important is your marriage? Earrings are things—things that can be replaced. But your marriage? Your husband? Well, that’s another story.
When it comes to your marriage, you should be willing to do whatever it takes to produce God’s kind of marriage relationship. You should commit to following His rules and guidelines, to living out His will for you and your spouse. God has placed you in your marriage and expects you to do your part. That’s His will for you. And, to be sure, God has His guidelines for your husband too. But He only asks you to focus on and take care of your role.
So we wonder: How do wives do this? How can I as a wife do this?
A good principle to remember is this: When something looks impossible to do or seems hopeless, go back to the Bible and review what God says. This always helps. With a prayer in your heart, revisit the biblical basics. A fresh look at what God’s Word says will simplify your problems and give you answers. Solomon, the wisest man of his day, instructed, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:6). And, my all-time favorite verse about trusting and committing to doing what the Bible says is Psalm 33:11: “The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations.”
A Leader Needs a Follower
You can’t get any more basic than this truth: “A leader cannot lead unless he has at least one follower.” Your husband will have a tough time leading if you aren’t willing to follow. Just as you cannot make your husband lead, he cannot make you follow. Therefore, you must choose to submit.
In this chapter, your verse to pray for your husband is Ephesians 5:23: “The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.” And the verse that precedes this statement says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
And there it is! The husband is the head—the leader. And the wife is the follower. This is reinforced in Colossians 3:18, a similar verse: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” This means that in the same way you are to submit to the Lord, you are to also willingly follow your husband’s leadership.
Now let’s put verses 22 through 24 together:
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
The word “submit” is a combination of two words with a military background. It means “to line up, to get in order, to arrange, to rank beneath or under.” Later, in verse 33, Paul switched from submission to “respect.” Your submission shouldn’t be resented or resisted, but seen as an assignment given to you by God Himself. Out of love and respect, you are to commit to following your husband and adapting yourself to his leadership and his way of leading.
Now, before you start reacting to this concept of submission, realize that even though the command here in Ephesians 5 and also in Colossians 3 is specific for your role in your marriage, all Christians are to voluntarily submit and arrange themselves under one another as God commands… not over one another (see Philippians 2:3-8).
Here’s a thought: Don’t you think it’s interesting to notice that God did not tell husbands to lead, but directed His communication to wives—to you? He’s letting you know that you are to follow your husband as he leads.
How Not to Follow God’s Plan
Do you know how some wives follow God’s plan? They become husband-watchers. (Hopefully you are not one of them!) They know all about what God says their husband is supposed to do and be, and they know how God instructs and expects husbands to treat their wives. But instead of praying for God to change their husband and earnestly focusing on taking care of their own faithfulness to their God-given assignments as wives, they try to take on the self-appointed role of playing “Holy Spirit.”
This kind of wife believes it is her duty to point out her husband’s faults and shortcomings. She may even assume a “when… then” attitude. In her heart (and maybe even verbally), she decides, “When he does this or that, then I’ll do this or that.” She postpones obedience to her role as a wife and makes submitting to her husband’s leadership conditional to her husband’s behavior.
Following God’s Plan by Praying—and Looking Up
There is hope and help for all of us… and it’s prayer! The Bible tells us:
• If anyone lacks wisdom, look up—let him ask of God.
• If anyone lacks love or patience or self-control, look up—do what God says and walk by the Spirit.
When you stop what you are doing or thinking that goes against God’s Word, when you stop in your tracks or stop your diatribe and pray, that’s looking up. That’s checking in with God and checking yourself and your words and behavior. That’s you looking to God to help you with your husband, to supply you with His wisdom, His love, His patience, and His self-control.
In this chapter we are focusing specifically on you praying that your husband will lead in your marriage. And what you are praying for won’t happen overnight. Praying for your husband’s leadership in your marriage and family is a lifelong assignment from the Lord. And here are a few key ways that you can pray:
Pray for your husband to lead by loving—The world’s concept of leadership is lordship. Many men (and this may include your husband) were raised in a home where the husband dominated. He led by intimidation. As a result, maybe your husband doesn’t know any other model to follow. To review, in Ephesians 5, husbands are commanded, “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25). Your husband’s leadership is to be demonstrated not in lording it over you and the children, but in love—in his willingness to sacrifice his time, money, and life for you and the kids. What wife wouldn’t willingly follow and submit to a man who is prepared to sacrifice everything for her and their family?
Pray for your husband to give you spiritual guidance—This means you are basically praying he will read his Bible, go to church, be mentored, and be supportive of your desire to grow spiritually mature.
Pray for your husband to pray for you—The greatest way your husband can lead you is to know what’s happening in your life, to be clued in to your fears and struggles, your hopes and dreams. This can occur as the two of you talk together and pray for and with each other.
Pray for your husband to lead with understanding—The Bible refers to you, as the wife, as “someone weaker” (1 Peter 3:7 NASB). This is a reference to physical strength, not to mental or spiritual capacities and abilities. First Peter 3:7 instructs, “Husbands… be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7 NIV).
The fact that you are weaker physically is not meant to reflect on you negatively. It’s simply an affirmation of your need for protection and provision. That is the leadership role your husband is to assume. He is to literally “shoulder” more of the physical responsibilities in your lives and your home.
Pray for your husband to lead his children—Biblically speaking and historically, it is the father who, in Christian homes, is the leader in the training of the children. Pray that your husband will…
— take an active role in the children’s lives.
— help with the physical, mental, and spiritual nurturing of the children.
— read the Bible with the children and help them memorize key Bible verses.
— pray with the children at meals and as part of the bedtime routine.
At this point you may have some questions. You may be thinking, But wait a minute. What if my husband…? Let’s look at three “what if” situations many wives find themselves in.
But what if I don’t have leadership problems in my marriage? Praise the Lord! You are fortunate and blessed of God. But don’t let up on your prayer efforts. The fact that your marriage relationship is going well should cause you to redouble your efforts in praying for your husband and his role as leader. As Peter warned, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Your adversary would love to destroy the strong relationship you and your husband enjoy. Do your part to keep your marriage on track by praying and by living out God’s roles for you as a wife.
Be proactive! Redouble your efforts in supporting your husband. Let him know how much you appreciate his leadership. Tell him you are praying for him every day as he leads and loves his family. Keep checking with him for any concerns he has on the job, and pray faithfully for his wisdom and discernment as he handles them. Make sure you are always looking for ways to support his leadership in front of the children.
But what if I am married to a passive Christian? This type of husband definitely needs your prayers. This is the husband who, when you ask for guidance, responds with, “It’s up to you, honey.” Or “Whatever you want, babe.” Or, “It doesn’t matter to me. You make that call.”
Again, your first priority is to pray. Beyond that, your role still stands: You are to help, follow, respect, and love your mate. Make it a goal to learn better ways of asking for direction and for discussing the issues that face your marriage and family. Put the brakes on any behavior that is producing negative results. Guard your heart against frustration and guard your mouth against criticism. Most of all, guard against taking over the leadership in your home.
Granted, when your husband is gone from home for work or on deployment, you must step in and fill the leadership gap. But when your husband is home, find ways to ask him to make the decisions, to give directions, to function as the leader. As you interact daily, keep in mind what we learned earlier—that two wrongs don’t make a right. Your husband’s failure to lead does not mean you must rush in and lead. Adjust and experiment with new and better ways of communicating with your husband so he, in time, becomes the leader in your household. And I just can’t say it enough: Pray! Pray a thousand times a day, if you must.
But what if I’m married to a man who is not a Christian? God’s Word and your roles still stand in your marriage. Your job assignment from God is not to change your husband, and it’s not to save him. Salvation through Christ and real change occur by a divine, supernatural work that only God can accomplish in your husband’s heart.
So above all else, keep on praying. And keep on doing what you know God expects of you and every wife who is a Christian—to help, follow, respect, and love. Make it a goal to assist and minister to your non-Christian husband in as many ways you can think of. Open your heart and mouth and praise him for what he does do for you and your family. Look for his many good qualities and let him know how much you appreciate him—daily!
Also, you cannot expect a husband who is not a Christian to act like a man who is. So be careful not to compare him with Christian husbands. Remember too that God can help you do anything, including loving your unbelieving husband. Or as a friend of mine referred to her unbelieving husband, your “beloved unbeliever.”
Counting on God’s Care
Wherever life finds you today, don’t be discouraged. Don’t give in to depression, despair, defeat, doubt, or dismay. Take heart! God knows your situation and your heart. Your God is the same God who, when speaking to Moses about the bondage of the Israelites in Egypt, said…
… He had heard the cries of the people.
… He had seen their oppression.
… He had come down, and
… He was doing something about it!
He was sending Moses (see Exodus 3:9-10).
You must trust God to do His part in your life, your husband’s life, and your marriage. Count on the fact that God knows all about your situation. He knows everything! He knows whether your husband is a believer or not, whether your husband is a great leader or hesitant to take on that role. And He knows every single desire of your heart and every heartfelt concern you have for your husband, your marriage, and your relationship with him.
Count on the fact and the truth that God cares about your situation and your marriage, and He cares about it even more than you do.
And so you pray! Pray to be God’s kind of wife in the marriage you have today. Pray that your husband will love Christ and grow to love Him even more. Pray that your man, as the head of your home, will take charge of your marriage and be the husband and leader God wants him to be. And while you are praying,
wait on the LORD;
be of good courage,
and He shall strengthen your heart;
wait, I say, on the LORD! (Psalm 27:14).
Advice on Prayer from the Heart of Jesus
Matthew 6:6
When you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.