The charges
Derek Drew:
For leaving his reading book at home.
For scribbling his handwriting practice.
For swinging on the pegs in the cloakroom.
For sabotaging the girls’ skipping.
For doing disgusting things with his dinner.
Also charged
Mrs Alice Drew (née Alice Jukes):
For giving birth to Derek Drew.
Mr Dennis Drew:
For aiding and abetting Mrs Drew.
Mrs Muriel Drew and Mr Donald Drew:
For giving birth to Dennis Drew, etc.
Mrs Jane Jukes and Mr Paul Jukes:
For giving birth to Alice Jukes, etc.
Previous generations of the Drew and Jukes families:
For being born, etc., etc.
Witnesses
‘He’s always forgetting his book.’ Mrs Pine.
‘He can write neatly, if he wants to.’ Ditto.
‘I seen him on the pegs, Miss!’
‘And me!’ ‘And me!’ Friends of the accused.
‘He just kept jumpin’ in the rope!’ Eight third-year girls
In Miss Hodge’s class.
‘It was disgusting!’ Mrs Foot (dinner-lady).
For the defence
‘I was never in the cloakroom!’ Derek Drew.
Mitigating circumstances
This boy is ten years old.
He asks for 386 other charges to be taken into consideration.
‘He’s not like this at home,’ his mother says.
The verdict
Guilty.
The sentence
Life!
And do his handwriting again.