Lily had spent another fitful night in the back bedroom at the guest house. This time there were two men whose faces kept popping up in her head: Jake and Oliver. Imagined clinches with the former were definitely more enjoyable than worries about the latter. When she got out of bed, she was so exhausted everything ached and the beginning of a headache was playing around above her right eye.
But as she pulled back the curtains, daylight streamed into the room and she could see blue skies up above. She threw open the window, but quickly closed it again as she caught the stench of rubbish coming from the huge industrial wheelie bins below. Never mind, at least it wasn’t raining, and since she was having to stay for longer than planned in Keswick, she really ought to make the most of it. The prospect of getting out of this claustrophobic guest house and being in the fresh air for a couple of hours was appealing. But realistically, that wasn’t going to happen; she still didn’t feel she could leave Moira, so the best she was going to manage was a quick walk up and down the road. Unless she asked Eleanor to stand in for a while? The two of them had got along quite well for most of yesterday – apart from a brief spat about whether or not to request another doctor’s visit. But before that, Eleanor had been almost mellow over lunch, and later that afternoon the two of them had sat on either side of Moira’s bed, showing her old photos on their phones, laughing at pictures taken of them all in fancy dress seven years ago, at Gordy’s 50th birthday party.
Lily decided it was worth a try, but she also knew she couldn’t give Eleanor any wriggle room. She typed out a quick text:
She felt quite proud of herself once she’d pressed send, and wasn’t at all surprised when a furious reply pinged in a few seconds later; Eleanor was very busy and had some important work calls to make and the last place she could afford to be this morning was in Granny’s stuffy room at the guest house. Usually, Lily would have backed off straight away, and apologised for even daring to ask for such an outlandish favour. But she was feeling a bit bolshy today, and for once she stuck to her guns.
She stood holding her mobile for a minute or so, waiting for a flashing grey bubble to indicate that Eleanor was typing out a rude response. But there was nothing. Ridiculously, Lily felt guilty, even though she knew that was silly – she had nothing to feel guilty about, she wasn’t asking for much. She wandered into the en suite and picked up her toothbrush, wishing she had someone with whom she could share this momentous news. After all these years, it felt as if she had finally found a way to deal with her truculent daughter.
Two hours later she was stomping up a well-worn path to the Castlerigg Stone Circle, a couple of miles out of town. After so much rain, the ground was sodden and it was hard work, but the air was fresh and the views exhilarating. When she finally reached the top, she could see across the surrounding fells for miles. There were a handful of other walkers around, including an elderly couple who reached the circle just after she did and seemed barely out of breath, whereas Lily was panting so hard, she struggled to speak.
‘Jelly Baby?’ asked the woman, holding out an open packet. ‘Looks like you need the sugar.’
‘Thank you,’ Lily said, dipping her fingers into the packet. ‘Although I think I need a whole new pair of lungs.’
She sat up there for a while, wondering what Jake was doing. She’d texted him earlier, to ask if he was free to go on a walk. She’d guessed he would be working, but her spirits still fell when she read his reply:
In a way, this was good news. However desperate she was to see him, at least this meant it would be a different doctor who visited Moira this afternoon for the home visit booked by Eleanor.
Every now and then Oliver flashed into her mind, but she tried not to let him stay there. Before the conversation with Moira yesterday afternoon, she had felt nothing but pity when she pictured the overweight, lonely old man sitting in his stained clothes in his filthy house. But now the thought of him made her feel uneasy – almost anxious. Could that man really be her father?
She had plenty of photographs of herself as a young child with Moira and Ken. When she was back in Brighton again, she would get them all out and study them properly. Although she must have looked at those pictures dozens of times over the years, she’d never been looking for anything specific. She thought they were just normal family snapshots of a little girl and her parents – on the beach, at theme parks, gathered with groups of friends. She had never looked to see if she bore any resemblance to her father, because she never had the faintest idea she needed to.
Going back down to Keswick from Castlerigg took half as long as it had taken her to go up, although her knees were aching by the time she got into the town. As she walked along the main street, she found herself staring at every passing car and peering through every shop window. Somewhere in this place was Jake Jordan and she was so obsessed with the man that she kept expecting to see him around every corner. She wasn’t just expecting it – she was yearning for it. It was ridiculous, he wasn’t going to be out and about. Right now, he would be stuck inside the local GP’s surgery, dealing with a long stream of bumps, bruises, bacteria and blood clots. But that didn’t stop her hoping that he might walk out of a shop up ahead, or jump from a car as it pulled along beside her on the street.
When Lily got back to Glenmorrow, Eleanor was perched on the end of the bed, watching Moira, who was standing by the bay window in her nightie.
‘It goes like this!’ she was saying, sticking one leg out behind her and whirling both arms around to keep her balance.
‘Mum! What on earth are you doing?’
Moira glanced over at her and tutted. ‘Lily, do be quiet. I’m showing Eleanor how to do a Tree pose. I saw it on the television the other day.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a Tree,’ Eleanor said. ‘I think you need to stand upright for that, Granny. Are you sure it’s not a Warrior?’
Moira put her foot back on the carpet again and stuck her hands on her hips. ‘Don’t be an idiot, Eleanor. What do I have to worry about? It’s a fucking Tree.’
‘You must be feeling a bit better at least, if you’re out of bed doing yoga,’ Lily said, taking off her coat and throwing it over the back of the chair by the desk. ‘I’m not sure we really need to drag the doctor out again.’
Moira’s shoulders visibly slumped and she started to cough.
‘Mum, I know you’re putting that on,’ Lily said.
Her mother moved back towards the bed, coughing pathetically into her hand as she went. ‘Oh dear. I think I’ve overdone it. I shouldn’t have tried to show you that, Eleanor. This cough is bad again now, very bad. I really do need to see that lovely doctor man.’
‘Granny, you’re such a fraud!’ Eleanor said. ‘You’ve hardly coughed at all in the last hour!’
‘It’s getting worse,’ said Moira, climbing back into bed and pulling the covers up towards her neck. ‘I hope he comes soon. Such nice eyes he had, and lovely warm hands too.’
‘He’s not coming at all, Mum, he’s not on duty. It will be someone else,’ said Lily.
‘How do you know that?’
Lily realised they were both staring at her, and knew she was blushing. ‘I don’t! I’m just guessing. I’m sure he won’t be on duty today, if he was doing home visits on Thursday.’
Moira narrowed her eyes. ‘Lily, that is bollocks.’
‘Mum, don’t be rude! I’m just saying I don’t think it will be the same doctor.’
Moira sighed deeply and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She turned to Eleanor and raised her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Your mother is up to something,’ she said. ‘She’s being very strange indeed.’
Eleanor nodded. ‘She’s right, Mum. You are being weird.’