The full text had asked her to meet him down by the lake again at 4pm, further along than before, beside a blue and white boathouse. He had signed off with xoxox and there was a ps:
She was out of breath when she got there, and stood staring around, wondering if she’d got the right place. She was in front of a blue and white boathouse, but there was no sign of Jake. An elderly man was walking past her with a terrier, yapping and straining so hard on the lead it threatened to pull him over, while a group of lads had thrown their bikes on the ground and were lounging on a nearby bench. She could smell their cigarette smoke and hear the tinny sound of music playing through a portable speaker.
Where was he? She pulled out her phone to see if there was another message.
‘Lily!’
She turned around, then back again. Then towards the gang of boys.
‘Lily, over here!’
And there he was; that handsome man with his floppy fringe and huge smile and still slightly tanned face. He was down by the edge of the lake, standing in a rowing boat.
‘What’s going on?’
‘What does it look like?’
‘It looks horribly like you’re expecting me to get into that thing with you.’
‘Yup. That just about covers it.’ He grinned. ‘I did tell you to bring your armbands.’
‘I know, but I didn’t understand. I thought you were just messing about.’
‘Come on,’ he held out his hand, ‘hop on board, Ms Bennett.’
‘I don’t think this is a sensible idea. I’m not good on water.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Why do you own a boat then?’
‘I don’t.’ Jake was bending over to pick up an oar and the little wooden boat began to rock from side to side. He put out his arms and windmilled them to get his balance. ‘Shit! Hang on a minute. Okay, that’s better. Right, grab my hand and leap across. Don’t worry, it’s fine – I’ve got you.’
He hadn’t. As Lily launched herself off the grass and into the boat, her foot slipped on the wet wooden slats at the bottom and she plummeted forward into him. Her chin hit his chest, his arm caught her on the ear and there were a couple of terrifying seconds when they were both flailing in the air with the boat tipping from side to side, before Jake fell backwards with a thump against the wooden bench seat, while Lily landed on top of him.
‘Shit!’
‘Ouch! I’m sorry! Are you okay?’ She tried to get up, but her legs were tangled with his and one arm was trapped under his waist. As she struggled to free herself, she pushed him further down into the bottom of the boat. He twisted to the side and his knee caught her sharply on the thigh. She could hear howls of laughter coming from the boys on the shore.
Suddenly, both his hands were around her waist and he was dragging her up towards him. She felt the hard buckle of his belt scuff against her jumper and the rasp of his stubble against her cheek. Then their faces were next to each other and they were kissing.
‘Oh, Lily,’ he breathed, as he pulled away. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ she said, and closed her eyes as she leant in to kiss him again.
The laughter from the shore had now turned to catcalls.
‘Give her one from me, mate!’ yelled one of the lads.
‘Let’s get out of here,’ said Jake. They eventually managed to pull themselves upright, disentangling limbs and straightening clothing. The little rowing boat was still rocking precariously, and Lily sat down on one of the bench seats, stretching out her hands and clinging to both sides. Now she was upright again, she could feel a sharp pain in her right shin and Jake was rubbing his shoulder.
‘I really don’t like boats,’ she said. ‘Just to warn you.’
‘I don’t like them either,’ he said. ‘This belongs to a friend and I asked him if I could borrow it because I thought it would be fun to go out in it. Something a bit different.’
‘Can you row?’
‘Of course!’ He picked up the oars and shuffled himself carefully into the middle of the seat facing her. ‘Well, sort of. Hang on to your hat. Off we go.’
It took a couple of minutes for him to get the hang of using both oars at the same time, then another five minutes to get far enough away from the shore that they could no longer hear the lads calling out to them. Jake wasn’t bad at rowing, but it wasn’t his finest hour either, and even out here in the increasing darkness of the lake, she could see sweat glistening on his forehead.
‘Right, I’ve had enough of that,’ he said, pulling the oars out of the water and stowing them in the bottom of the boat. ‘We can drift for a bit. Look in that bag under your seat.’
Lily bent over and found a carrier bag stuffed beneath the bench seat. She pulled it out and found several cans of pre-mixed gin and tonic, together with a large packet of crisps. ‘You really do think of everything, don’t you?’ She smiled at him, wallowing in the warmth of his smile, loving being this close to him again, despite the fact that she was in a rowing boat that was pitching from side to side and the shore looked frighteningly far away. There was an inch of water sloshing around in the bottom of the boat and her trainers were already soaked. ‘Is that water meant to be there?’ she asked, looking down.
‘No idea, but let’s hope so.’ He cracked open one of the cans and clinked it against hers.
‘I’m going to miss you so much.’ It hadn’t been what she’d intended to say. But it was the only thing going through her mind.
‘I’m going to miss you too,’ he said. ‘Are you still leaving tomorrow?’
She nodded. ‘There didn’t seem any point in delaying it. Mum is so much better – thanks to you – and once Eleanor and I had persuaded her to give up the road trip, it was just a case of when, rather than if, we set off.’
‘Is she okay about heading back home?’
‘Not really, but I think she accepts it has to happen. I’ve promised her we’ll do the trip again in the spring, but to be honest I don’t know if she’ll be up to it then. It’s been tricky enough now, and if she gets more forgetful and her behaviour gets worse, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with taking her away. But there’s no point worrying about that now. We’ll just have to play it by ear.’
They ripped open the packet of crisps and took it in turns to pull out handfuls.
‘How did your afternoon go, with Claire?’ Lily hated herself for asking; she didn’t want to know. But she also very much did want to know.
‘It was fine. I wasn’t there for long, she was going to see her parents, so we just did what needed to be done, then I came away again.’
‘Is it strange, seeing her now?’
He shook his head. ‘Not really. She’s in her own flat, it’s nothing to do with me. We haven’t been properly together for a long time.’
‘When Nick moved out, I remember feeling very odd when he came to collect Eleanor. I’d dread seeing him, but also be quite glad to see him – God knows why. It was just that, after all those years, he was so familiar. He’d been a part of my life for such a long time. It wasn’t that I was expecting us to get back together, I just didn’t know how to be on my own. The future felt scary.’
Jake nodded. ‘It was more complicated for you, because you had a child. Claire and I were always very focused on our careers, which is probably why we grew apart in recent years. We both had other things that were important in our lives, and they came to matter more to us than each other.’
‘But you still love her.’ Lily wanted to bite the words back in again. She stared down at the can in her hands. Why was she ruining this moment?
‘I do,’ he said. ‘But…’
She looked back up at him, as the pause grew longer.
‘But?’
‘But I’m not in love with her anymore. Whereas, I think I may be a little bit in love with you, Lily.’
She breathed in and tried to swallow at the same time, and ended up choking on her gin. He reached out and clumsily patted her on the back, while she spluttered and started laughing at the horrified expression on his face.
‘Don’t die on me,’ he said. ‘I haven’t said that to anyone in a long time. Maybe I ought to take it back?’
‘Please don’t,’ she said, clearing her throat one final time. ‘Can you just say it again, and I’ll try not to overreact this time?’
He grinned at her and reached forward to push a strand of her hair away from her face.
‘I think I may be a little bit in love with you, Lily Bennett.’
She wanted to kiss him and hug him and throw her arms around him. She wanted to stand up in the boat and do a little dance in the inch of water slopping around in the bottom. She wanted to sing and cheer and yell the news to the group of lads, now far away on the shore.
‘I think I may be a little bit in love with you too,’ she said. ‘And I’d almost forgotten what that felt like.’
They leant closer and shared a long, gentle kiss. When Jake put his hand up and stroked her cheek, she could feel her heart pounding so loudly, she was sure he must be able to hear it. Eventually, after what seemed like no time at all, they sat back, just inches apart, smiling at each other.
Jake reached down into the plastic bag and popped open two more cans of gin and tonic. ‘Cheers,’ he said. ‘Here’s to crazy road trips.’
‘Cheers,’ Lily echoed. ‘And to crazy mothers. If mine hadn’t insisted on a crazy road trip, I wouldn’t be sitting here now.’
The rowing boat drifted slowly and they watched the sun setting on the far side of the lake. Jake pulled a camping lantern out from the bottom of the boat, turned it on and balanced it on the bench seat beside Lily. She found herself getting light-headed much more quickly than she would have expected. ‘Getting drunk on the water is more fun than getting drunk on dry land,’ she said, tipping back the can. ‘I don’t mind that wobbly feeling anymore.’
‘We need to start getting back,’ said Jake. ‘It’s going to get dark quickly and it will probably take me ages to row to the shore. I definitely need to practise my oar technique.’
‘Just before we do,’ Lily said. ‘Kiss me one more time.’
She leant forward and put her arms around his neck, feeling his hands move around her waist, one of them working its way up inside her top across her back, his palm warm and soft against her bare skin.
‘It’s been such a lovely evening,’ she said, her voice muffled against the collar of his coat. ‘Being with you has made me really happy, thank you. I’ll never forget it.’
‘You sound like you’re saying a proper goodbye?’ he said, putting his hand under her chin and turning her face up towards his.
She wasn’t sure how to answer him. ‘How can this work? I’ve got to take Mum back home to Brighton in a couple of days and you’ve got your practice here.’
‘I’m not tied to Keswick,’ he said, gently. ‘Claire is here, my old life is here. But it’s beginning to feel like quite a big deal to me that you aren’t here.’
‘What are you saying, Jake?’ Lily pulled away slightly, her hands still on the sleeves of his coat.
‘I don’t really know. But I don’t want to this to be a proper goodbye.’
‘But the whole thing is insane! We’ve only just met.’
‘I know.’ He leant forward and kissed her again. ‘Listen, I was thinking I might take some time off, at the end of the month, maybe get on a train and come down to see you?’
She pulled away from him, surprised.
‘Sorry, is that not what you want?’ he said. ‘I could come for a weekend, or even overnight, we could go out for dinner. But if that’s not going to work for you, just say.’
‘I…’ Her mouth couldn’t keep up with her brain, which was whirring into action. Already she was imagining showing him around her little terraced house, walking along the beach arm in arm in the evening, wandering through the Lanes and stopping for a drink in her favourite bar.
‘It’s a bad idea,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have mentioned it. Forget I said anything.’
‘No!’ Her voice sounded squeaky. ‘Don’t forget it! Sorry, I was just surprised, I wasn’t expecting it. But yes please, let’s do that. I’d like it very much.’
He grinned at her and raised his can up to clink it against hers. ‘Deal then. Maybe in a couple of weeks’ time.’
‘Deal,’ she said. ‘But I wish I didn’t live so far away. I wish I’d had more time here. Oh God, I just wish everything was different. It’s so unfair.’ She pictured the campervan waiting in the Campbells’ car park, remembered the journey tomorrow which would take so many hours.
‘I know.’ He nodded. ‘It’s really unfair.’
Just seconds ago, she had felt ridiculously happy, but suddenly everything was ruined again as reality wormed its way into her mind, forcing aside the daydreams; she was almost choked by the anger that was overwhelming her. She wasn’t angry with Jake, or even with Moira, she was furious with the universe. She wanted to stand up and scream at the lake, yell at the surrounding fells. She wanted to punch the side of the boat and bring her fists down on the little wooden bench seats. It was all so horribly wrong. This man sitting beside her was special; the most wonderful person she had met in many years. Possibly in forever. Spending time with him felt like she was being offered a chance at happiness.
But she couldn’t take it. In the morning, she would have to pack all their belongings into the campervan, strap Moira into the front seat and get Eleanor and her laptop set up in the back. She would then have to drive away from Keswick without looking back. Life was so unfair. What she wanted to do and what she needed to do, were two completely separate things. She couldn’t think about Jake, she couldn’t think about what might have been. She must walk away from all this and be a responsible daughter and a responsible mother, and concentrate on getting everyone back home safely.