‘But you can’t need to go again?’
Moira huffed and starting fiddling with her seat belt. ‘I can and I do. It’s been a very long drive.’
‘But we only stopped an hour ago? Mum, don’t unbuckle that now! Please let me get off the motorway first.’ Lily glanced in the rear-view mirror and signalled to move into the inside lane. ‘There’s another services coming up in a couple of miles. Just sit tight and we’ll go in there.’
They had already made four stops since leaving Keswick – twice for food and fuel and then twice more for Moira to use the loo. Lily wasn’t convinced this fifth visit was necessary – she hadn’t seen her mother drink anything since the small cup of coffee in Starbucks, hours ago.
‘It’s all very well for you, but I have a weak bladder,’ Moira was saying. ‘When you get to my age, things aren’t as good as they used to be, down in that particular department.’
‘It’s fine,’ Lily said, gritting her teeth. It really wasn’t. They weren’t far from Brighton now and she was exhausted after a full day’s driving, desperate for it all to be over. She looked up and met Eleanor’s glance in the mirror. Her daughter rolled her eyes again and they grinned at each other. It was good Eleanor had been with her on this journey, it would have dragged by and felt so much longer if Lily had been on her own listening to Moira work her way through a medley of every song she’d heard since the fifties.
They pulled into a parking space at the services and Lily picked up her bag from the floor. ‘Want anything?’ she asked Eleanor.
‘Nope. Make it quick please, Granny. Paul was going to have supper ready for me by eight, at this rate it will end up being breakfast.’
‘That was rude again,’ Moira muttered, as Lily led her across the car park. ‘Bloody rude, that daughter of yours.’
It was dark now and, when they went through the entrance doors, the overhead lighting in the cavernous space felt harsh and unwelcoming.
‘Shall we have something from there?’ Moira asked, as they went past Greggs.
‘We ate at the last stop. You really can’t be hungry again?’
‘I fancy one of those veganism things – sausage rolls. The ones with pretend meat in them? I had one a few months ago and it was very tasty.’
Lily pushed open the door to the Ladies and held it for Moira. ‘I’ll wait out here,’ she said, pulling her phone from her pocket. There were three more texts from Jake; she couldn’t fault this man’s enthusiasm. They weren’t about anything in particular, he was just checking in. She read them all, then read them again before sending one of her own:
What would he be doing right now? It was nearly 7pm on a fairly miserable Monday night in October. He must have finished work, but would he have anywhere to go after that? Despite the hours they’d spent in each other’s company, she still knew so little about this man. He’d suggested his divorce hadn’t gone down well amongst the mutual friends he and Claire had made in Keswick, but he must have mates of his own there too – male friends he could have a beer with or drag along to see a film? Otherwise, he’d end up staying in his hotel room, or maybe going down to the restaurant, eating dinner alone, as he had done on the night they met. Lily pictured him there, sitting at the round table in the corner with his book open in front of him. What if there was another single woman sitting nearby tonight; a woman just like her who wasn’t looking for anything other than an evening meal, but might end up meeting a man who would alter the entire course of her life?
What was the matter with her? Of course Jake wouldn’t go and talk to anyone else. Why would he? But then again, why wouldn’t he? He’d approached her, so there was nothing to stop him making a similar play for someone else. The thought made her so unhappy, it was like she’d been punched in the gut. She shoved her phone back in her pocket. Stop it, Lily! She was tired and emotional and was letting her imagination run riot. She just needed to get home. Where the hell was Moira?
She pushed open the door to the Ladies and went in. ‘Mum? Are you finished yet?’ There was no reply. She walked along past the cubicles – only one door was closed and behind it she could hear a mother chatting to a small child.
‘Mum – are you in here?’
Her pulse racing a little faster, she went back towards the entrance, this time pushing open all the unlocked toilet doors so they slammed against the cubicle walls.
‘Hey! Stop that,’ the woman called, as a door thudded against the cubicle she was in.
‘Sorry!’ called Lily. ‘I’m looking for my mother.’
She went back out into the corridor and glanced in both directions. No one. She started walking back to the main area, stopping to peer in through the doorway of a room full of slot machines and video game consoles.
‘Excuse me, have you seen a little old lady?’ The cleaner looked at her blankly, still mopping the floor. ‘She’s about five foot tall, with white hair and she’s wearing a pink cardigan?’ The man shook his head and moved away.
‘Shit!’ Lily muttered to herself. ‘Shit, shit, shit!’
There were more people out in the foyer area, milling around outside WHSmith and queuing to buy food at the concessions. She ran past Leon, then Starbucks, scanning the tables. The queues were longest in front of McDonald’s, but there were no little old ladies, no pink cardigans. She pulled out her phone – she would call Eleanor and ask her to come in to help, the two of them could cover more places. But what if Moira was no longer in the building? She could have wandered outside and right at this minute she might be walking around the car park, looking for the van. She probably would have no idea where they’d parked – these places were confusing, even in daylight. Maybe she’d gone the wrong way, towards the petrol station, or even towards the road that led back towards the M25?
Lily felt bile rising in her throat. This was all her fault. Why hadn’t she just gone into the toilets with her mother? She hadn’t been concentrating on what was happening – all she’d been thinking about was checking her phone for messages from Jake. How could she have been so irresponsible? She’d already lost Moira once on this trip, now she’d somehow managed to do it again.
‘Hey, you! Stop that!’
There was some commotion up ahead; a woman was yelling and people were turning to stare.
‘Get away from the counter!’
Suddenly, Lily caught a glimpse of something pink. She ran forward, pushing past people standing in her way. As she got to the front, she found herself beside a large woman wearing a Greggs uniform towering over a little old lady in a pink cardigan, who was grinning up at her and hanging tightly on to her arm.
‘Come on then, twirl with me?’
The Greggs woman was looking confused and not a little exasperated. ‘Madam, please let go of me and calm down.’
‘Mum! There you are!’ Lily reached out her hand, but Moira ignored it. She was stepping from side to side, humming to herself, beating out a rhythm as if she was holding a conductor’s baton in her hand.
‘Mum! Why didn’t you wait for me?’
‘And back, two, three, four – and twirl around!’
She pulled the woman from Greggs towards her as she sidestepped, then bumped her hips against hers as she moved back the other way. People were starting to laugh and Lily had an awful sense of déjà vu, remembering that Sunday afternoon, just over a week ago, in the aisles at Asda.
‘And now you spin me, like this, as the music goes ta-ra-da-dummmmm!’
The woman was trying to pry Moira’s fingers off her arm while being dragged backwards and forwards as she danced. She was heavy on her feet and looked as if she was about to fall over. ‘Get off me!’
‘There you are, Lily!’ Moira’s face lit up as she saw her. ‘I was waiting for you, but I didn’t know where you were, so I started dancing by myself.’ She suddenly dropped the woman’s arm and began to shrug off her coat, flinging her arms from side to side as they slid out of the heavy material. As it landed on the floor, she kicked her legs out in front of her and whirled around in front of the Greggs counter.
‘La-dee-la!’ she sang. ‘Tra-la-la, dum dum!’
Eight days ago, Lily had felt her face redden as she looked around at the people laughing at her mother. She’d been humiliated and couldn’t wait to get her out of the store. Now, standing watching her mother cavort across the shiny tiled floor, all she could think about was how much she loved her.
‘Doo-dah-dah!’ warbled Moira, still spinning. She went too close to the edge of the Greggs fridge section and her outstretched arm sent several packets of sandwiches flying onto the floor. ‘La-la-laaaaaah!’
Lily noticed a teenager had pulled a mobile from her pocket and was holding it out in front of her, filming Moira. She stepped forward and swiped at the phone. ‘Hey! Stop that!’ she shouted, above the sound of her mother’s singing. ‘How dare you? Show some respect!’
The girl looked shocked and took a step back. Lily realised she was now attracting almost as much attention as her mother, but suddenly she didn’t care. ‘Fuck off, all of you!’ she yelled, turning in a circle to glare at the onlookers. ‘Haven’t you got anything better to do? Bugger off and get back to stuffing your faces with burgers, you nosy-bloody-parkers!’
She turned to Moira and held out her arms, catching both her hands and joining in with the strange dance.
‘Oooh, you’re very good!’ Her mother laughed. ‘Lovely footwork! La-dee-dum!’
‘La-la-la!’ sang Lily, as loudly as she could. ‘Doo-dee-dum.’ She had no idea what she was singing, but it didn’t matter. Her foot trod on something squelchy and, as her shoe slid sideways, she looked down to see that one of the sandwich packets had split open when it fell off the shelf. Bits of lettuce were on the floor, and Lily was treading a bright green trail across the tiles.
Keeping hold of one of Moira’s hands, she reached down and picked up her crumpled coat from the floor.
‘Do the hips thing, Lily!’ called Moira. ‘Push them in and out.’
Lily found she was laughing. ‘Like this?’ she asked, gyrating her hips backwards and forwards.
‘Perfect!’ Moira was laughing as well.
The crowd of onlookers was bigger than ever now, and as Lily whirled her mother around, feeling sweat gathering on her forehead, she caught sight of people shaking their heads and looking appalled, amused, angry and alien. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a very familiar face.
‘Well, this looks like fun,’ said Eleanor, grabbing Moira’s other hand. ‘Hello, Granny, look at you on the dance floor!’
‘Yes, look at me!’ Moira laughed. ‘This is the rhumba, Eleanor. Your grandfather and I used to do the rhumba on a Thursday night, after I’d had a couple of Campari and sodas.’
‘Fantastic!’ Eleanor said. ‘Shall we do it along here, away from all these people.’ She looked at Lily and signalled towards the entrance with her head.
‘Good riddance!’ the Greggs woman yelled after them. ‘She needs locking up!’
‘Sod off!’ said Lily. ‘Come on, Mum, show me that hip thing again, off we go.’
As they made their way towards the doors to the car park, Lily realised she didn’t give a damn about the dozens of people standing staring at them, she didn’t care about the snorts of laughter or the cat calls. ‘Goodbye, everyone!’ she yelled. ‘Happy Monday!’ A woman in a Welcome Break shirt had come out of the shop and was gaping at them. Lily waved at her as they went past. ‘Thank you for having us!’ she called. ‘Really sorry about the mess on the floor!’
They sang as they made their way across the car park and Eleanor held open the passenger door of the campervan, while Lily helped Moira back up into the seat, then wiped the remains of the salad from the bottom of her shoe before climbing into the driver’s side. Slamming the door shut, she leant back in her seat, breathing hard, her heart still racing.
Moira was staring ahead through the windscreen, still humming softly to herself and nodding her head from side to side.
‘Thanks, El,’ said Lily. ‘I don’t think I could have got her away from there without your help.’
‘I was wondering what had happened to you,’ Eleanor said. ‘You’d been gone for ages, so I came looking for you.’
‘Mum, what was that all about?’ Lily reached out and pushed a stray wisp of white hair away from her mother’s forehead. ‘Why didn’t you wait for me when you came out of the toilets?’
‘Why was I there?’ Moira asked suddenly. She turned to face Lily. ‘What was I doing there?’
‘I think you might have wanted a vegan roll,’ Lily said, gently. ‘You talked about it when we were walking in, and I guess you came out of the toilets and decided you’d go and get yourself one?’
Moira shook her head slowly. ‘I don’t remember that,’ she said.
‘Never mind,’ said Lily. ‘You must have forgotten I was waiting for you.’
Moira’s shoulders were shaking. ‘I don’t want to be like this,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to forget things and get everything wrong. I hate what’s happening to me.’
Eleanor leant over from the back and put her arms around Moira’s shoulders. ‘Granny, I’m so sorry. This must be horrible for you.’
‘I don’t want to cause you all these problems.’ Moira was crying properly now, gulping back sobs as she tried to get her words out. ‘I didn’t understand why all those people were shouting at me! I just wanted them to go away. I’m a mad old woman and I’m losing the plot, I know I am.’
‘Mum, don’t cry. It’s all going to be fine.’
‘This is only going to get worse, isn’t it, Lily? This thing that’s happening to me, it’s never going to go away?’
‘No,’ Lily said gently, surprised by how calm she felt. ‘It’s never going to go away, but we’re going to help you deal with it. We’re both here for you, me and Eleanor. Between us, we’ll cope with whatever happens.’
‘I’m sorry for everything I’m going to put you through over the next few years,’ sobbed Moira. ‘I know it will be so hard for you. I wish I could stop it all and just be me again. I wish I could be the me I used to be, before my silly brain started going all wonky on me.’
Eleanor rested her own head against her grandmother’s. ‘It will be okay,’ she whispered. ‘It really will.’
Lily passed Moira a tissue, and she blew her nose loudly. ‘Look at me,’ she muttered, scrunching the tissue in her fingers. ‘What a mess. What a terrible mess. I’m a silly old fool.’
‘You’re not,’ said Lily. ‘This is all very hard.’
‘A silly old fool who doesn’t even know what she’s doing.’ Moira dabbed at her eyes.
‘It really doesn’t matter,’ said Eleanor. ‘We’ll look after you.’
‘This is why my book is so important,’ Moira said, resting her head against Eleanor’s arm. ‘It’s my gift to you, my darling girls. When you can’t get any more sense out of me, you’ll be able to read all the things that I won’t be able to carry on telling you.’
‘It will be lovely for us to have it,’ said Lily.
‘Everything will be in there, but there will be no dark secrets, I promise.’
‘That’s good.’ Lily smiled.
‘I can’t understand it. Why don’t I know what I did in that place, just now?’
‘I have no idea either, but don’t worry. It’s over now.’
Moira shook her head. ‘I just remember that woman with the big boobies, standing shouting at me.’
Lily reached across to grab her mother’s hand. ‘She wasn’t very nice,’ she said. ‘She didn’t need to shout at you like that.’
‘No,’ Moira said. ‘And she did have enormous, big boobies, didn’t she?’
Lily laughed. ‘They were huge.’