There was only ever one
suffering from vanishing twin syndrome.
The dum, dum, dum
an extra heartbeat remembered, one heatbeat
a heartbleat
weakly throbbing in the womb
that only had space
for one.
Mother named him
held him
kissed him
once on each cheek
once on the nose
never suspected
more than one
perfect son.
The dee, dee, dee
a first child song
mimicking the little black-capped chirpers.
Flitting alone
only wanting to share
sunsets and musings
scraped elbows
and stories of the sea.
He asked his mother
where his brother was
the one like himself
begged her for another.
“There will only ever be one.”
She sighed
hands folded
over an empty belly.
Hide-and-seek
was only ever hide
no one to seek
when he found the place
dark and musty
under the porch
where the caterpillar spun
around and around.
No one to find
no matter
how hard he looked.
Alone, lonely
wishing for the (br)other
he remembered
from the time before
his time walking
breathing outside air
tasting wild strawberries.
He left his mother
in a flooding puddle of her own sea-salt tears
an ocean amniotic.
Kissed her twice on each cheek
packed double what he needed.
He could set the extra clothing on the ground
use it as a mirror.
In a stranger land
he found his own way.
He spoke in riddle rhymes
one voice while standing on his two flat feet
one voice rose while he balanced on his head.
It was a trick of the golden light
bouncing between the trees
casting shadows
over the water.
He believed
everyone believed
there were two.
Dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-Dum.
A whisper
to his inner ear.
The walking, breathing one was losing
the memory of his own words
and poetry.
Tried to hum, to recite
to remember the lyrics
his mother mouthed at his cribside.
The one absorbed by
early loss
once unviable was gaining
a power
to manipulate the eyes
see clearer
lift a leg
without yet owning a body.
Facial features melted away
caught something alien beneath
a way of holding the corners of the mouth
a tic
a twirl
dancing so fast
one could never tell
if it was one, or two
or four, or sixteen.
Who would lead?
Who would follow?
Who was growing strong?
When there was no one else in the forest
would anyone hear the single twin fall?
Clapping one hand?
Dee, dee, dee
he felt his own
feet slipping
out from under
held on to walls to hold his ground.
His chest cavity
too full
to catch his breath
he held it
turning blue.
His own voice
raised
a pitch
pitched forward
until he felt
almost
consumed
by something
he no longer
longed to see
or hear.
Something scratching in his
throat.
His ears
a drumskin
vibrating
too loud.
He tried to silence
the growl
the murmur
the buzz of something budding
stretching, clawing
underneath the muscles.
He tried to give up looking
for the other
dropped the desire
to be doubled.
Changed his signature.
Tweedle Dee.
He approached
an expert,
a magician of the mind
who measured success in inches
a mad man
whose obsession
lied and truthed
on the size of a brain case.
The physician’s
sleight of hand
shone a light down his throat
stuck a tube in his ear
yelled
to see, to hear
if anyone lurked
inside.
Medication to soothe
the cake to grow bigger
the drops to grow small.
The illusion was easier with smoke
and a broken mirror
shards like butter knives
left even more reflections
more faces
more facets.
Knives to cut into skin
surgery to separate.
One trying to cut a part, apart, a part
to carve out a place to fit the other.
He’d spent his life
searching for the other face
seeing sneers and grins
eyes, and jawlines
in tree bark, clouds,
and the patterns on the floor.
He pulled at his ears
tried to shake
the other out
couldn’t run, or roll, or wobble
away.
He walked, ran, toward
the glow
of a sterile room
bright lights
the voice
growing louder.
Knives excised,
pulled tissues apart
cells rearranged
electric shock therapy
division
and multiplication
adding and subtracting
a miracle of life
through nuclear transfer.
The clone grew
swallowed up all the memories
as the first flesh home
became a shell.
The second body
matured at an alarming rate
the gel medium allowed the space.
There was no softness
planted by a mother’s embrace
no scars formed by the sticks and stones
of playground bullies.
This one didn’t learn the rules
about putting fingers into
light sockets
about sticking everything into its mouth
about pushing knives
into the bellies of others.
It woke speaking full sentences
as the rasp of dee, dee, dee
escaped the first one’s mouth
lying under a white sheet
eyes open
not seeing
the brother whose face
he had searched for every day.
The second
within minutes
spoke cruel verse
peaking in a heated stanza
a curse
to the one
who had grown beyond an embryo
so long ago.
The earlier frame
soft and round
easily molded
fading.
The replica used its
mass to lift and run
building blocks
for abs, thighs
and biceps.
The dum, dum, dum
rose to a drum, drum, drum
footfalls not mere steps
but leaps
and no one thought there
was more than one
standing in front of them.
Hands
had split
the sequel from the innocent one
whose only fight had been with sorrow
missing part of himself.
The copy took more
than its fair share
didn’t wish
for a (br)other.
All was quiet
as they readied
to read the last blink
to close the seeking eyes
to pull the covering up
and over.
Dee, dee, dee
rattled breath
in, in, in
and
out, in one long puff.
There was only ever one
at a time
thriving
an independent beast.
The DUM, DUM, DUM
a heartbeat, a drumbeat, a heartbreak
forged without the warmth of a womb.
The world had only space
for one.