Chapter Twenty-Two
“Yeah, Mom, that’s great, but—” Cauy desperately tried to cut in on his mother’s Christmas spiel as she commented on every person living or recently deceased she’d interacted with, and assumed Cauy knew them too. It was early Christmas morning. It was snowing, and Grace was tearing around the house, a big red bow around her neck, desperate to go outside.
“I wanted to ask you something personal,” Cauy said.
“About what?” Anita finally ran out of breath.
Cauy managed to push Grace out into the fenced yard and sat opposite the Christmas tree Jackson had set up in the kitchen. The ancient colored lights flicked on and off, but there was a suspicious smell of burning he’d have to investigate as soon as he got off the phone.
“It’s about Mark.” Cauy held his breath. “Sort of.”
His mom sighed. “I knew you’d never let that go now that you’re back at the ranch. What is it now?”
“Do you remember a guy called Ben Gardin?”
Silence crackled in the air between them for so long that Cauy thought she’d cut the connection. It had been almost three weeks since he’d had the conversation with Roy, and he had finally decided to ask his mother for the truth. Three weeks since he’d been near Rachel and the Morgan Ranch as well . . .
“Mom?”
“Yes. I knew Ben.”
“So you probably know what I’m going to ask you next,” Cauy said. “I met a guy called Shep. He asked me to send his regards to you.”
“Ben’s father?” Anita asked. “He was a lovely man. Ben was just like him.”
Cauy gripped his phone harder. “Is it possible Ben was my father?”
This time the silence went on even longer, but he could hear his mom breathing so he waited her out.
“Yes, it’s possible.”
Cauy briefly closed his eyes. “Okay. Thanks for being up front with me.”
“Ben died before the end of our senior year.”
“So I heard,” Cauy said gently. “That must’ve been awful for you.”
“It was.” She sighed. “I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
“Understood.” Cauy nodded even though she couldn’t see him. He’d tried to introduce her to video calls but she hated technology. “Are you okay for me to make contact with the Gardin family?”
“If you’re going to stay at the ranch, I can hardly stop you. It’s a small place. Word would get round eventually.”
“I intend to stay here.” Cauy hesitated, reluctant to push his luck. “Considering what we just discussed should Jackson inherit this place?”
“He told me he doesn’t want it,” Anita said. “And you know Jackson. Once he makes his mind up he’s pretty stubborn.”
“What about Amy?”
“You can ask her when she comes out to see you in the summer. She’ll have finished her nursing degree by then and will probably have an opinion of her own.”
Knowing his feisty little sister, Cauy had no doubt of that.
“I’m thinking that after I’m gone I’ll set up a trust so that Jackson, Amy, and their kids each get a share of the ranch. What do you think?”
“What about your own family? Jackson said you’d met someone wonderful.”
“I’m not planning on getting married again anytime soon, Mom, so don’t get your hopes up,” Cauy said. “Things didn’t work out between us. She deserved better than me.”
“That’s a shame, darling,” Anita said. “But are you sure about that? Jackson said she was the perfect woman for you.”
“She is.” Cauy pictured Rachel’s face when he made love with her. “But—”
“But nothing, Cauy,” Anita interrupted him. “The moment Ben knew I was pregnant, he wanted to marry me. I said no because I was afraid of what people would think. I regretted that decision for the rest of my life. If I’d agreed maybe I could’ve somehow prevented what happened to him.”
“Mom . . .” Cauy fidgeted with his phone.
“If she really is the right woman for you, please don’t let her slip through your fingers, love.”
“What if she’s young and has her whole life ahead of her whereas I’m a washed-up fool?” Cauy asked.
“Do you love her?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Does she love you?”
“I think so,” Cauy said.
“Then don’t squander that love, please, Cauy. Don’t do what I did, and let your fear hold you back.”
In the background her doorbell chimed, setting off the dogs. “I have to go, darling. Give my love to Jackson, and tell him to call me later.”
Cauy kept talking. “What if this woman is a Morgan?”
Anita’s chuckle was both a delight and a surprise. “Then more power to you. That would certainly stick it to Mark Lymond.”
She ended the call, leaving Cauy sitting there staring blankly at the Christmas tree.
“What’s up, Bro? Merry Christmas.” Jackson grinned at him from the doorway. He wore an Air Force blue T-shirt and PJ pants with rockets on them. “Were you talking to Mom? How’s she doing?”
“She said for you to call her later.” Cauy put down his cell phone and went to disconnect the Christmas tree lights. “She also said it’s highly likely Ben Gardin was my father.”
“Cool!” Jackson got a beer out of the refrigerator and toasted Cauy with it. “That’s awesome news! What time are we supposed to be at the Morgans?”
“Are you still going on about that?” Cauy asked.
“I saw Ry in the Red Dragon yesterday, and he assumed we were coming.” Jackson frowned. “What’s the problem?”
Cauy considered, his gaze drawn to Grace, who had come in from the yard and was happily shaking wet snow everywhere. Could he turn up at the Morgans? Should he?
“I’ll call Mrs. Morgan and check in, okay?” Jackson took a package off the tree and crouched beside Grace. The package squeaked loudly, and Grace bounced around like a crazy thing. “Here you go, girl, plastic squeaky steak! Enjoy!”
Cauy left them to it and went into the farm office. He closed the door against the assault of squeaky noises and sent a text to Kim.
Dude! It’s Christmas! Kim replied immediately. Of course I’m working!
Cauy smiled. Have you got a moment to draft a letter for me?
Cauy sat on the edge of the desk and typed in what he wanted. Can you fax me a copy to this number when you’re done?
Will have it to you in an hour.
Thanks, Kim. Cauy sent the fax number.
Wait until you see my bill ... LOL
Cauy’s smile died as he ended the call. Whatever happened next, at least he could tell his mom that he’d tried . . .
* * *
“What do you mean Cauy and Jackson Lymond are coming to eat Christmas dinner with us?” Rachel stared openmouthed at her grandmother.
They were setting the tables in the guest dining room. It was a tradition that all the hands and Morgan Ranch staff were invited to Christmas dinner. It was snowing outside, but the large room was warm as toast with a log fire burning in the massive rock chimney.
“I invited them.” Ruth raised an eyebrow. “It’s called being neighborly.”
“To the man who wants to extort cash out of your grandson on a frivolous lawsuit?”
Ruth handed Rachel a bunch of silverware. “I doubt Cauy will go through with it.”
“Why doesn’t anyone believe he meant it?” Rachel complained. “It’s like you all think he’s a nice guy or something.”
“He is a nice man. Maybe too nice, and too quick to take a hint.” Rachel straightened the table center arrangement, which Avery had designed to resemble a cowboy boot filled with Christmas presents. “I think he’ll do very well with the ranch.”
“Who else did you ask?” Rachel attempted to change the subject.
“Dr. Tio Mendez and his grandmother, Nancy and Maureen from the shop, and Shep and Mary Gardin.”
Rachel put the last fork in place. “Who are the Gardins?”
“Didn’t Roy tell you?” Ruth handed her a stack of linen napkins. “Shep’s son Ben might well have been your Cauy’s father.”
“Firstly, he’s not my Cauy,” Rachel said. “And secondly, how come no one let me in on this stupendous piece of gossip?”
“Possibly because every time one of us mentions Cauy you get all defensive and growly.”
“Gee, I wonder why,” Rachel said. “It’s not like he broke my heart or anything.”
“Did he really?” Ruth paused to look searchingly at her.
“Yes, I think he did.” Rachel found a smile. “But that’s okay. You can’t make someone love you, right?”
Ruth put down her basket of napkins. “Cauy’s a good man, Rachel, but he’s not an easy man. He’s already dealt with a lot in his life, and I suspect those scars will always be with him.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Rachel asked.
“I think you believe it’s your job in life to make everyone feel better,” Ruth said. “And maybe you should be thinking about putting yourself first for a change.”
“That’s exactly what HW told me.” Rachel held Ruth’s gaze. “But you don’t understand Cauy at all if you think he needs holding up. He’s one of the strongest men I’ve ever met. He’s managed to close himself off so completely that he truly believes that’s who he is, and how it will always be.”
“And you can’t stop him from believing that.”
“I’m not trying to.” Rachel took a deep breath. “It’s up to him, isn’t it? If he truly wants a relationship with me he’s got to reach out. I can’t climb those walls or break them down all by myself.” She patted Ruth’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I get that. I’m sad that he’s not prepared to go that extra mile for me, but I’m not going to hang around waiting for him to change. I deserve more.”
“That’s my girl.” Ruth’s eyes were full of tears, which almost made Rachel well up. “Strong and sassy.”
Rachel wished she felt the words more, but she was convinced that if she kept saying them that in time she would.
Chase came in with a new load of wood for the fire and halted at the sight of Rachel and Ruth embracing.
“Everything okay?”
“It’s all wonderful.” Ruth was the first to speak. “How is January feeling this morning?”
Chase made a face. “Still puking. But she says she’ll be fine for lunch, and I believe her. It’s amazing how quickly she perks up after she’s emptied her stomach.”
“Thanks for the graphic detail,” Rachel said, grimacing. “Is there anything else at the house that needs bringing over?”
Chase shook his head. “I did want to ask you about something, though, Rachel. Do you have a minute?”
Rachel tensed as he took her through to his office. “This hasn’t got anything to do with Cauy Lymond, does it?”
“No, why should it?” Chase gave her a funny look. “Raj, the guy who helped me out when you were stuck in the mine, contacted me a couple of days ago with a government job opportunity based in Sacramento.”
“You don’t need a job,” Rachel quipped back.
“But you do.” Chase clicked something on his laptop, and the printer went into action. “I told him about you and the kind of job you were looking for. I’ve forwarded you his e-mail, but I thought you might like a printout as well.” He picked up the sheets of paper and handed them to Rachel. “They’re looking for an engineer to work closely with the registry for historic California mines.”
“The what?” Rachel looked down at the paperwork.
“Like as a consultant and adviser. You’d get to visit abandoned mines and tourist attraction ones, make sure they follow safety regulations, and issue reports on the overall state of each mine.” Chase closed his laptop. “Is that something you might be interested in? The pay isn’t great, but it would be a good place to start your career, and it’s relatively close to home. They might even let you telecommute.”
“Thank you.” Rachel looked up at him. “I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s no rush.” He smiled as he headed for the door. “Look through the information, and get back to me or Raj after the holidays.”
“It was really kind of you to find out about this for me.”
He shrugged. “What else is family for?”
“I’ve never had anyone look out for me before.” Rachel had to say it. “It means the world to me.”
Chase turned to look at her, his expression suddenly serious. “You’re part of our family now, Rachel. Never forget that and know we’ll all be doing our best to make those lost years up to you.”
She nodded and clasped the paperwork to her chest as he opened the door and went out. She might have been unlucky in love, but at the Morgan Ranch she’d discovered a family who loved her and wanted her to stick around.
She swallowed hard. Having that sense of home made the thought of leaving so much easier. Whatever happened over the years to come she would never ever be a stranger here. She folded up the paper and went to put it in her coat pocket in the coatroom.
Seeing Cauy again might not be quite so difficult when surrounded by all her family. And, if he put a foot out of line, having four big brothers might just come in handy....
* * *
Cauy braced himself against the wave of laughter and conversation coming from the Morgan dining room, fixed a smile on his face, and followed Jackson in search of their hostess. Of course, the first Morgan he saw was Rachel dressed in a yellow fluffy sweater and skinny black jeans laughing with Jenna beside the fire. She looked beautiful and like she didn’t have a care in the world, which was exactly what he wished for her in his less selfish moments. The rest of the time he just wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her forever.
Carefully avoiding catching her eye, Cauy kept his gaze on Jackson, who was now shaking Billy’s hand and laughing, which wasn’t helping Cauy’s nerves.
“Thanks for inviting us,” Cauy said to Billy. “Especially considering the circumstances.”
“Would that be you claiming half my ranch, or you making my daughter mad?” Billy asked.
“I hope to settle all those matters shortly, sir.” Cauy swallowed hard and held Billy’s gaze.
“Good.” Billy nodded and turned away. “Ruth’s in the kitchen if you want to speak to her.”
“Not bloody likely,” Cauy murmured to himself. He had the sense that if he wasn’t careful, all the Morgans would seek him out and demand answers he wasn’t yet ready to give. He spotted Dr. Tio sitting with an elderly lady in the corner and went over to them. Hopefully, that would give him time to steady his nerves before dinner got underway.
Of course, when they were called to the table, some sadist had decided to sit Cauy opposite Rachel and a whole row of formidable Morgan men. He looked around for Jackson, who was comfortably situated between Nancy and her mom, and having a great time.
Ruth finally emerged from the kitchen with Yvonne and Avery at her side to say grace. She got them started passing the massive plates of turkey, ham, and all the trimmings around the table.
Cauy didn’t feel much like eating and took the minimum he could get away with to avoid looking either rude or weird. He jumped as someone leaned over to fill his water glass and the ice clinked.
“I assume you don’t want wine, Cauy?” Rachel asked.
He finally looked at her, and couldn’t look away. She was always beautiful to him, but today—after not seeing her for a while—she was his whole world.
“No, thanks,” he managed to reply. “Water’s good.”
She put down the water jug. “How’s Grace?”
“About to have her puppies anytime now according to Jenna. I brought her with us. She’s in the house if you want to see her.”
“Thanks, I’d like that.” Rachel took some turkey and passed the platter to her left, stopping to chat with Billy, which gave Cauy the chance to concentrate on his plate again.
She didn’t attempt to draw him into anything resembling a conversation, and he knew he deserved it. Her ability to conceal if she was hurt and present such a calm front to the world was both an amazing advantage and a massive roadblock to understanding how she really felt. He had no doubt in his head that she would survive without him. She was a strong woman.
But every so often, when she thought he wasn’t looking, she’d sneak a glance at him like she couldn’t help herself. He only noticed because he was doing exactly the same thing to her.
The meal seemed to take forever, but even the Morgans couldn’t eat everything in the universe. Eventually, Ruth stood up to thank everyone for coming, and to recall the highlights of the year. Roy then thanked Ruth to great applause on behalf of all the guests.
As Roy sat down, Cauy rose to his feet and waited for the conversation to die down, leaving a sea of curious faces staring at him. He’d never felt so exposed in his life. He cleared his throat and turned to Ruth.
“Mrs. Morgan? There’s something I wanted to say to you.” He took the folded paper out of his pocket. “I know there has been some speculation that I intended to sue the Morgan Ranch for a parcel of disputed land. I wanted to set the record straight today.” He handed Ruth the letter. “This is from my lawyer, and states that I have no intention of ever litigating about this land, and that my heirs will never do so either.”
Ruth glanced down at the letter. “Well, that’s mighty fine of you, Cauy. I never thought you’d go through with it anyway, but thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Cauy sat down to a smattering of applause and faced a row of Morgans. Rachel was staring at him as if he’d done something terrible. He met her gaze. Now came the hard part.
“Would you like to come and check on Grace with me?”
She considered him for a long moment. “Okay.”
He followed her out into the lobby, and they both collected their jackets before braving the weather and heading for the ranch house that looked like the image on a Victorian Christmas card. Cauy’s boots crunched in the snow and his breath condensed as he followed her lead. Someone had threaded colored lights through the spindles on the porch and swept away the snow from the wooden planking. The whole place looked magical.
Rachel held the screen door so that it wouldn’t bang on Cauy and stepped into the quiet house, shedding her boots in the mudroom and unzipping her jacket.
“Where did you put Grace?” she asked.
She turned only to find Cauy was right there. She took a step back and hit the wall. He stared down at her, one hand braced above her head.
“I never meant to take your family to court.”
“So they all kept telling me.” Rachel suddenly found it hard to breathe.
“I only told you I did because I wanted you to think I wasn’t worth your time and energy.”
“Well, it worked.” Whatever he was trying to do she wasn’t going to make it easy for him.
“It didn’t work for me,” he sighed. “I thought I was doing the best thing for you—setting you free to find some nice guy, who was new, and unspoiled, and—”
“Not you. I get it,” Rachel said. “But why?”
“Because that’s what you deserve.”
She raised her chin. “Who made you the judge of what I deserve?”
“I’m not an easy guy to live with.”
“So you’re high maintenance. So what?”
He shifted his stance slightly so that he was even closer and leaned in. “So maybe I’m not good enough for you.”
“Says who?”
“Me, goddamn it!” He tenderly kissed her brow, and then her nose. “I suck.”
“I know that.” She shivered as he kissed her cheek. “You’re an awful, terrible human being.”
“Yeah.”
“Whom I like despite desperately trying to convince myself otherwise.”
“Then will you consider forgiving me for trying to push you away from me?” Cauy asked.
She eased out of his half embrace. “It depends.”
“On what?”
He looked wary now, which she was enjoying much more than she should.
“What made you change your mind and try and make things right with me?”
“A couple of things.” He rubbed his hand over his mouth. “Firstly, my mom told me that if I really loved you I shouldn’t waste my time telling you, and secondly—”
“Back up.” Rachel held up her hand. “Did you just say that you love me?”
He met her gaze, his brown eyes clear. “Yeah, I did.”
“Really?” He nodded, and she scowled at him. “Yet you still blew me off?”
“As I was trying to say before you interrupted me, I didn’t think I had that right.”
“To love me?”
His mouth twisted. “Look at me, Rachel. I’m never going to be perfect.”
“What makes you think I’ve ever wanted perfect?” she asked.
“Because that’s what you deserve.”
She rolled her eyes. “We’re back to that, are we? What if I want you, just the way you are. What if I love you?”
“Then I’d be the luckiest man on this planet.” He reached for her, but she held up her hand. “What?”
She was trembling so hard she thought she might pass out. “I want someone who will always be there for me—someone who will always put me first. I deserve that.”
“Yeah, you do.” He nodded slowly. “I want to be that man.”
“You do?”
He pressed his palm to his heart. “I want to be here for you whenever you need a friend, or a lover, or just someone to shout at.” He formed his hand into a cup. “I want to hold you here, in my heart and soul like a bird that will fly away from me sometimes, but always return. Do you get that? Do you want that?”
“That’s the most beautiful, poetical thing anyone has ever said to me,” Rachel whispered.
He shrugged. “It’s how I feel.”
“And it’s the most sentences I think you’ve ever spoken to me in one go.”
This time she let him take her hand. “That’s good, right?”
She collapsed against him, and he closed his arms around her and held her tight. She’d missed the taste and sheer strength in him so badly....
“Are you going to let me kiss you now?” Cauy asked hoarsely.
With a strangled sob, she flung her arm around his neck and raised her mouth to his. Their kiss was both a promise, and a welcome home—a commitment, and a revelation.
“I love you, Rachel Morgan,” Cauy murmured between kisses. “I tried to let you go, and I don’t think I can do it again.”
“You won’t have to,” Rachel assured him as she kissed him. His hands were roving her body, pressing her against the hardness in his jeans and making her want . . .
A frantic barking echoed down the hallway, and Cauy’s head shot up.
“That’s Grace.”
He ran down to the kitchen, Rachel in hot pursuit, to discover Grace lying on her side in the dog basket panting hard. Cauy crouched beside her and then turned to Rachel.
“The puppies are coming. Do you want to fetch Jenna?”
She leaned in and kissed him one more time before rushing to put her boots on. There was still a lot for her and Cauy to work out, but one thing she was certain of—he would never go back on his promise to her.
Laughing up at the falling snow, Rachel retraced her steps to the guest center. It was Christmas Day, her forever family surrounded her, Cauy had expressed his love for her in complete sentences, and she was about to become a doggie mamma.
What more could any woman want?