“I love the zoo so much!” said Jackie, as they approached the Monkey House.

“Yes!” said Stewart. “So do I!”

“Yeah. The zoo is, like, ZOO,” said Libby.

“What does that one mean?” said Grandpa.

“Zillion OMGs. Obvs …”

Grandpa nodded. “I sometimes wonder if you are just making these up on the spot.”

“Look at Bert!” said Jackie. “He’s run up ahead!”

“He’s loving the chimps!” said Stewart.

“Can I eat them?” shouted Bert. “Can I eat them?”

“Should we let him go so close to the bars?” said Jackie. “You know we haven’t let any of the children do that since …” she faltered a little, lowering her voice: “… the Monkey … Moment.”

“Oh, I think it’ll be fine. Just keep an eye out,” said Stewart. “Talking of Malcolm,” he continued, taking Jackie’s hand as they walked, “I feel sure from the phone calls that he’s having such a good time on the farm that when he comes back we can bring him here again! I think he’ll be over the Monkey Moment, and find his love for animals once more!”

“Ah …” said Jackie, sadly. “I hope you’re right.” By this point, they were standing in front of the Chimp Enclosure. Jackie turned towards it and said: “I just wish he was here now.”

Malcolm looked at Bert, and behind him, his mum, dad, grandpa and sister. He ran over to the bars of the cage.

“Mum! Dad! Bert! Grandpa! Libby!” he shouted, pointing to himself. “It’s me! Malcolm!”

“Oh look, Bert! Look at that one!” said Grandpa. “He’s jumping up and down and pointing at himself! What do you think he’s saying with all that screaming?”

“I think he’s saying … eat me! You can eat me, if you want!”

“No, I don’t think so, Bert …”

“Is he saying this?” said Bert. He’d managed to pick Stewart’s pocket. In his hand, he held up Stewart’s phone, with the AnimalSFX app onscreen. He pressed the chimp icon. It made a chattering noise.

The family all laughed.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” shouted Malcolm. “No. That icon is not even speaking proper monkey. Bert! Libby! It’s me, Malcolm!”

“Wow,” said Libby, sounding ever-so-slightly un-bored for a moment, “that monkey is, like, so GOI!”

“GOI?” said Grandpa.

“Going on Instagram!” said Libby, turning round to face away from the cage – pouting, brushing her hair and producing her phone at the same time in one expert move.

“No!” said Malcolm. “You don’t understand!”

Click! went Libby’s phone. She turned round again, clicking on it.

“Selfie … with monkey … LOLT3000… smiley face smiley face laughing face crying face smiley laughing crying monkey face.”

“I don’t want to be on Instagram!!” shouted Malcolm. “And: I’m not a monkey!”

“That’s right!” shouted Tarzan, from somewhere behind him. “Chimps aren’t monkeys! You tell ’em.”

“Yes! That’s right! But I didn’t mean that! I meant … Mum! Dad! I’m Malcolm!”

“Ha-ha! What a funny monkey!” said his mum and dad.

“Chimp!” corrected Malcolm. “And … boy!”

“Look at his silly jumping up and down and pointing at himself! So funny!”

Malcolm looked at them. He stopped jumping up and down and pointing at himself. He took a deep breath, and let out a deep sigh. He felt very sad: he had been so sure that when he found his family they would be able, somehow, to see it was him – that whatever animal he happened to be at the time, they would see through the outer skin, and realise: “Oh my God: that’s Malcolm.” Instead, they were laughing and pointing and saying what a funny monkey he was.

He turned round, away from his family.

I suppose, he thought, I should just rejoin the other chimps. And get used to being one of them for the rest of my life.

When he turned round, however, he didn’t quite have time to just indulge himself in self-pity about this. Because he noticed something about all the chimps. Which was that they had all raised their arms. And they were all holding something.

A trickle formed in Malcolm’s memory. A trickle which became a flood when he looked over at Lord King Louie, and remembered why he might not have felt very happy to have made his acquaintance.

Because Lord King Louie was scooping his hand into the pile of Holy Plop-Plop at his feet.

And then raising that hand above his head.

“Remember,” shouted Hear-No to all the other chimps, “the first throw always goes to the Lord King Louie!!”

There were some grumbling noises at this point.

“Stop grumbling!” shouted See-No. “That’s how it always goes!”

In that second, it all came back to Malcolm: all the terror and humiliation of the Monkey Moment.

And what made it worse was, as he looked at the angle of Louie’s arm, he realised that this time, the chimp was not aiming at him, but at Bert.

“Bert!” shouted Malcolm. “Run! Take cover!”

“Oh good,” said Stewart. “That one’s perked up again. I thought he’d gone a bit quiet!”

“Can I eat him?” said Bert, opening his mouth.

Opening: his mouth.

Oh dear.