May 2005
University of Michigan
At Gord’s house, Kim requested a pair of boxer shorts and a T-shirt so she wouldn’t have to sleep in her jeans. She went into the bathroom to change, while Gord stayed in his room.
He was shirtless and wearing a pair of plaid pyjama pants when Kim returned. She gazed admiringly at his body. Unbeknownst to Gord, she had an ulterior motive in her request to spend the night.
“I’m staying in your room, by the way. I am not sleeping on a couch,” she stated matter-of-factly.
Now Gord was confused. “Umm, okay.”
Was Kim just staying as a friend or were there romantic connotations in her request? He stared at her. Even in a loose-fitting T-shirt, the mesmerizing shape of her body left him speechless.
Kim had finally realized that she wanted them to be more than platonic friends. It was something she had subconsciously known since they met in freshman year, but she had always looked for a way to ignore those feelings. Now, Kim wanted to take their friendship to the next level. Tonight.
Her lame excuse about not wanting to spend the night alone had been technically true, but it was all part of her master plan. Kim assumed that vocalizing her desire to stay with Gord would indirectly give him the go-ahead to act on his romantic feelings.
Gord hesitated as he watched Kim climb into his bed. This was something he had dreamed about for years and it was finally about to happen. Or was it? He had already twice given Kim an opportunity to share similar sentiments, and twice she had rebuffed him.
Did she actually want him to make a move or did she just want some company for the night? Confused, Gord climbed into bed beside her. The anxiety and nervousness he felt at that moment was unlike anything he had ever experienced while in bed with a woman.
They just lay there in the dark. Kim was on her side, facing away from him. Gord was flat on his back, with his hands folded across his stomach. He stared blankly at the ceiling.
“Your room is freezing,” Kim shuddered, pulling the blankets up tight around her neck. “Spoon me.”
“What?”
She turned to face him. “Have you ever just slept with a girl and not actually had sex? You know, just spooned with her.”
Gord pondered her question. “Actually, no. Usually, I leave right after we’re finished, or if she’s here, I gently suggest that she leave before the sun comes up. You know, keep things casual.”
Kim shook her head dismissively. “You’re an idiot — time to grow up.”
“You have such sweet pillow talk.”
“Give me your arm,” she demanded.
Kim grabbed Gord’s left arm and draped it over the covers across her body. She then rotated her body away from him and pulled him close. Now they were both on their sides, their bodies intertwined.
“This is spooning,” she declared mockingly. “Welcome to adulthood.”
Gord smiled in the darkness. “Thanks.”
He had never been so close to Kim before, in such an intimate setting. His face was inches from her hair. He inhaled deeply. The faint scent of citrus shampoo, mixed with the intoxicating aroma of Kim’s perfume, dominated his nasal cavity and left him lightheaded. Christ, she even smells gorgeous, Gord thought.
Kim’s chest heaved slightly, which mirrored her shallow breathing. Gord, his chest tense, came to an anxiety-inducing conclusion: if he ever wanted to be with Kim, this was his opportunity.
Gord raised his head slightly and looked at her. She looked so beautiful and content lying there with her eyes closed, the faint wisp of a smile playing across her face.
I should kiss her, Gord reasoned. Where? On her collarbone? Would she be receptive? His mind raced with uncertainty. Does she want me to make a move? I think she wants me to; that’s why she’s staying here. What if she doesn’t? God, I wish I could read her mind. What is she thinking?
Kim was thinking, What is taking him so long? She ached for him to make a move. After three years, she realized Gord was the one she wanted to be with. But what if he didn’t want her? What if he wanted to keep dating floozies and troll bars looking for random hookups? Kim wasn’t prepared to lay her feelings on the table. It had to come from Gord. She had to know that he wanted something more with her.
Gord’s head pounded as his internal struggle continued. If I try something, she’ll just think I’m looking for sex or that I’m trying something shady. She doesn’t even think of me that way. Does she? This could jeopardize our friendship. I don’t want to her to think that I just want to have sex with her. I care about her so much. I don’t want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with her. I — I love … I love her.
The declaration blindsided Gord, but it also gave him a new-found clarity. I love her. I love Kim. Tell her, Gord. Tell her how you feel. All of the jokes and laughs they had shared over the years, all of the silly conversations and how much fun they’d had together — it had been right there in front of him the whole time. He had always loved her, but he had never truly understood how he felt until now.
I’m going to tell her, Gord told himself.
Then, a terrifying thought entered his mind. What if she doesn’t say it back? What if I say it and there’s silence in her reply. I can’t deal with that. I’ll be crushed. Heartbroken. Fuck it, I’m telling her. Screw the consequences.
Gord cleared his throat. “Kim?”
“Yes?” she replied expectantly.
“I, uh, just wanted to tell you that …” SAY IT! TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL! “That, uh, I …”
She opened her eyes and looked back at him. “Tell me what, Gord? You can tell me anything.”
His heart raced. It felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. Panic paralyzed his muscles.
“I just wanted to tell you that …” Gord dipped his head in disappointment. He couldn’t pull the trigger. “I set the alarm for nine o’clock.”
“Oh. Okay.” Kim’s face masked her discontent.
She turned and imperceptibly inched away from him. He noticed. He flopped down against the mattress and stared at the ceiling. Gord was appalled at his cowardice. You are such a pussy, he scolded. You blew it. He stared at that ceiling for hours. He didn’t remember falling asleep.
He’s powerless to stop it. The crowd’s taunts become more derisive and vitriolic. The boos thunder down onto the field and rattle Gord’s eardrums.
The walks and runs pile up like stacks of cordwood. Gord looks in desperation to the bullpen, longing for relief and an end to the nightmare, but no one is there. He is completely and utterly alone …
Once again, the dream jolted Gord awake. His body was covered in a thin coating of cold sweat. He groggily turned toward his alarm clock. 5:45 a.m. The morning sun had not yet begun to peek through the plastic blinds covering the bedroom window.
He noticed movement out of the corner of his sleep-encrusted eyes. Kim was gingerly trying to extricate herself from the covers without waking him. She tiptoed across the room, gathering her things. She wanted to leave before the shrill cry of the alarm clock woke them both.
“Kim?”
She stopped abruptly and felt her face flush with embarrassment. “Oh, uh, hey, Gord. I was going to take off. I didn’t want to wake you. I figured you needed to rest up for the game.”
Gord was silent. He knew she was leaving only to avoid the cringe-inducing awkwardness of the previous night. The tension in the air was palpable. Something had changed between them. Gord’s hesitation to declare his feelings had catalyzed a seismic shift in their relationship.
“Uh, thanks.” He made a feeble attempt to end the maddening silence. “Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you home?”
“No,” Kim replied a little too quickly and forcefully. “Just stay in bed. I’ll be fine.”
A nod was all Gord could muster in return.
Kim hurried to the bathroom to change. Gord was left to ponder the biggest non-decision he had ever made in his young life. He sat up in his bed and held his head in his hands. Why didn’t I tell her? He kicked himself. I can’t tell her now. That was my only shot and I fucked up. I’ve lost her as a possible girlfriend. Have I lost her as a friend as well?
Kim appeared in the doorway and dropped his clothes on the threshold. Their eyes locked. They both knew. Things weren’t the same anymore. Last night had been the tipping point in their friendship. They had two choices: become romantically involved or stop spending time together. There was no middle ground.
The silence was excruciating. So many thoughts ran through both of their heads. Each had wasted so many opportunities to tell the other how they felt, but it was never the “right time.” And now it was over.
“ ’Bye, Gord.”
“Goodbye, Kim.”
That afternoon, Gord pitched with a heavy heart. He threw well, 7IP, 3ER, 7H, 2BB, and 5K, but it wasn’t enough, as the Wolverines’ offence could muster only a single run in the fourth inning. Michigan never made it out of the conference tournament, and Gord’s junior season ended with a whimper.
Gord and Kim never spoke again after that fateful morning. She went back to Orlando the next week and didn’t return for her senior year.
Gord heard from some mutual friends that Kim had accepted an on-air position with a local television station in Orlando. Thus, there wasn’t a need to return for a fourth year at Michigan. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had been a factor in her decision not to return to school.
It would have been weird to bump into each other when the emotional wounds were still fresh. Gord eventually got over his feelings, but he was an emotional wreck for quite some time after that night.
Time did heal all wounds. And for Gord and Kim, it had been three long years of zero contact. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Was anything still there?