The snowstorm that overtook Ben and Phillippe on their way home from Owatonna was nothing like the tempest raging inside Ben’s heart. A week and a half after he left Little Falls, he finally arrived back home, weary, frustrated and heart sore.
Everything in town was buried under a fresh layer of snow as they plodded through the street to the barn behind the parsonage. The storm was common for December, but they had been living with winter for two solid months and it was starting to wear on his mood.
“I’ll rub Ginger down,” Phillippe said to Ben when they dismounted in the barn. “You go on inside and see those boys.”
Ben was too tired to argue. In about two weeks, Malachi Trask would come for the boys. Ben had tried to convince him otherwise, telling Malachi that he would keep the boys, and that they would be happy and safe with him—but Malachi had become adamant that it was time he made something of his life. When he said he’d come immediately for them, Ben had at least convinced him to wait until Christmas Eve, so they could participate in the pageant at school the day before. Malachi had hesitantly agreed.
The sky overhead was a brilliant blue and the sunshine was dazzling as it reflected off the snow. It was hard to believe that just yesterday Ben and Phillippe had been holed up in a run-down hotel in St. Cloud, waiting to be free of the storm.
“Hello,” Ben called as he entered the kitchen through the back door. It was Saturday morning, which meant everyone should be home—so why was it so quiet?
“Hello, dearie,” Mrs. Carver answered as she walked into the kitchen from the front room, a dust rag in hand. Concern lined her face and the dear old lady looked as if she had aged overnight. “What news do you bring?”
“Are the boys here?”
“They’re playing with the Cooper boys today. Mrs. Cooper came up here earlier and asked if they could go to her house. I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“No, I don’t.” Ben took out a chair and rested his fatigued muscles. There was a small measure of relief knowing he could discuss the boys’ future with Emmy and Mrs. Carver without the boys hearing. “Is Emmy studying upstairs?”
“Emmy?”
Ben looked up at her. “Yes, Emmy.”
His housekeeper walked to the stove and lifted a lid, then set it down absentmindedly, mumbling something under her breath.
“Mrs. Carver?” Ben stood, hating the dread he felt in the pit of his stomach. “Where’s Emmy?”
“Oh, dearie.” She turned and wrung her hands. “She moved to the Janners’ house two days after you left. She’s been there a week now.”
“Moved?” Ben had never raised his voice inside his home before, but it ricocheted off the walls of the kitchen now. He didn’t intend to be so loud, but the shock of hearing that Emmy moved was too much on top of everything else. “Why did she move?”
Mrs. Carver swallowed. “Mr. Samuelson found her a place and she had to move that day or she’d lose the opportunity. Mr. Russell was kind enough to take her out in his wagon—”
“Mr. Russell?” Again, his voice was much louder than he intended, and Mrs. Carver flinched.
He paced across the floor, his hand massaging the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Carver said.
Ben shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. None of this is your fault.”
“People talk,” Mrs. Carver said slowly, “and they’re saying that Mr. Russell has gone out to visit Emmy several times since she moved...”
Ben sat back in his chair and put his elbows on the table, his face in his hands. Adam Russell had been waiting for an opportune time, and he’d found it. But what about Emmy? Did she welcome Mr. Russell’s attention? When Ben had fallen in love with Charlotte, he’d hoped and prayed she would love him in return, but Abram had been a stronger contender. Was Adam the same? Did it even pay to go after Emmy and tell her how he felt about her?
“Go, dearie,” Mrs. Carver said. “Go and tell her you love her.”
“I don’t love her.” He couldn’t. The risk was far too great.
“You do, and she needs to know.”
“Why, so she can reject me?” He knew he sounded pathetic, because he felt pathetic.
“Just go. Tell her the truth and then let the matter go into God’s hands. Pray for His will, and then pray for His grace, no matter the outcome.”
It was something he preached all the time. Seeking God’s will and then walking it out in His grace. Shouldn’t he do what he told others to do?
He took off his buffalo robe and went to his bedroom to change. If he was going to see Emmy, he was going with the intention to court, and a courting man always looked his best.
Twenty minutes later, after Phillippe had brushed Ginger down and given her something to eat, Ben hooked her up to his sleigh and pulled out of the barn. He wanted her to have more rest, but his need to see Emmy made him push the horse. “I’m sorry, girl,” he said. “But I need a little more from you today.”
It didn’t take long to get to the Janners’ place. Ben had been there before on church business. The oldest Janner daughters had been married the previous summer, one right after the other. The two youngest Janner children, boys, were students at the school, though they were a little older than most boys who attended. They were good people, but they held on to a strict set of ideals and were the only people in the congregation who Ben tried not to look at when he preached. Their stern faces usually made him squirm.
The harness jingled as he pulled into the Janners’ property. A two-story house stood off in a neat yard, the white clapboard gleaming under the sunshine. A large barn was surrounded by dormant fields that produced some of the best wheat in the state.
Ben exited the sleigh and tied Ginger’s lead rope to a hitching post out front. He didn’t plan to stay long, only long enough to ask Emmy to go riding. He needed to tell her about his trip, and he didn’t want an audience.
He walked up the path and knocked on the front door. It opened quickly, and he suspected that someone had seen his approach. Mrs. Janner stood on the other side of the door and ran a hand over her hair to smooth it back. She was a tall, skinny woman with a sharp nose and pale blue eyes. “Reverend Lahaye. To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?”
“Is Miss Wilkes available?”
“Why, yes, she’s in her room.” She lifted her eyebrows, as if in judgment. “My, but she gets her share of gentleman callers, doesn’t she?”
He chose to ignore her statement, his chest tightening at the idea of Adam Russell visiting her. “May I speak to her?”
“Of course. Won’t you come in and wait in the parlor?”
Ben entered the home, but when she offered to take his hat and coat, he kindly refused. “This won’t take long,” he explained.
She raised her eyebrows again and didn’t say anything as she disappeared.
He sat on the sofa, but finding the need to pace, he rose and walked across Mrs. Janner’s parlor, looking at the curiosities on one of her shelves.
“Ben?” Emmy entered the parlor, Mrs. Janner nowhere to be seen.
The sight of her melted away all the angst and pain he’d felt since speaking with Malachi. He longed to go to her and pull her into his arms. There was nothing else in this world that he needed more at this very moment.
“Hello, Em.”
Her gaze was wary as she studied him. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to tell you about my trip to Owatonna.”
She nibbled on her bottom lip, her eyes filling with uneasiness. “I can tell it didn’t go well.”
How could she tell? Just by looking at him? Did she know him so well?
“Can we go for a drive?” he asked. “I have my sleigh waiting out front.”
Again, she nibbled on her lip. “I don’t know, Ben.”
“Emmy. I need to talk to you.”
She nodded slowly. “All right. I’ll get my things.”
He waited for a few minutes before she returned all bundled up.
With a quick word to Mrs. Janner about where she was going, Emmy preceded Ben out of the house and toward the sleigh.
He helped her inside and tucked the buffalo robe around her skirts, and then he lifted the reins and away they went over the soft snow.
* * *
Emmy hadn’t expected to see Ben that afternoon, especially in his Sunday best clothing. She suspected that if he had made it home from Owatonna, she would see him the next day at church. When Mrs. Janner told her she had a visitor, she had thought Adam had returned, but when she saw it was Ben, her heart had sped up and pleasure had coiled through her stomach.
But the look on his face had made the pleasure disappear. She knew things had not gone well in Owatonna and she wanted nothing more than to comfort him—yet, she couldn’t trust herself where he was concerned.
As they sped across the open prairie, a high bluff to their right and the frozen ribbon of the Mississippi to their left, the wind numbed her cheeks and nose, but felt surprisingly refreshing.
“What happened in Owatonna?” She needed to know, to prepare her mind and heart for what was to come.
He shook his head, his disappointment weighing down his shoulders. “Malachi Trask lives under the name Oscar Webb. He has a wife and two children, one on the way. They live in a sod house on the open prairie—and he’s not well.” He continued to tell her about finding Malachi in a saloon and the trouble he had with his moods swinging from one extreme to the other. “He needs help, but I don’t know how to help him. I know he can be well again, but I don’t know if he will.”
Emmy sensed that Ben’s unhappiness was from the outcome of the visit as well as the state of Malachi’s health. Ben’s heart was so good and so pure, she knew he wanted what was best for all of them. He understood the suffering of people far better than Emmy ever could, and he always gave people the benefit of the doubt, believing in them and the power of God’s love to bring healing. It was something she had come to admire about him.
There were several things he told Emmy about his trip. He spoke about the worries and concerns he had for the boys’ future and for the safety and well-being of the new Mrs. Trask and her children. He told Emmy the little girl had eyes just like Levi’s and she had clearly left an impression on him. Emmy could tell he needed to unburden his heart with someone who loved the boys as much as he did.
“He’s coming to get them on Christmas Eve,” Ben said at last. “I asked if they could stay for the pageant, and thankfully he agreed.”
Christmas Eve? How could she say goodbye to them in two weeks? Tears stung the back of her eyes and she had to wipe one away before it fell down her cheek. “This will be a hard Christmas.”
Ben pulled back on the reins, forcing Ginger to come to a stop. The sunshine was bright and Emmy had to squint to look at Ben. He was watching her, his brown eyes soft and full of both joy and sorrow. “Will you come and spend the day before Christmas Eve with us? We will have a Christmas party for the boys after the pageant. We can give them their gifts, play all our favorite games and have Mrs. Carver’s mashed potatoes one last time.”
The thought of being back with Ben and the boys filled Emmy with joy. It had been hard to get used to the Janner family. They were a cold, distant group, more work than play. In the evenings, they sat in their parlor, silently, as each did their own thing. Mr. Janner read the newspaper, Mrs. Janner knitted and the Janner boys read. There was no companionship to be had, so Emmy spent most of her time alone in her room. When she had first come to Little Falls, that’s all she had wanted—but after spending time in Ben’s home, she craved the warmth and affection of a family.
“I will be there.”
They sat close in the open sleigh and Emmy felt warmer just knowing he was near. He looked at her now, his handsome features in full light. She could gaze upon him for hours and still not tire of admiring his form. He was all things masculine, yet his gentle countenance and tender care made him the most desirable man she’d ever met. The feelings stirring within her made her self-doubt all the promises she’d made to herself about guarding her heart.
“Emmy,” he whispered her name as he looked deep into her eyes.
She couldn’t have moved, even if she had tried. She felt rooted and frozen in place—yet, despite the cold, she didn’t feel the chill. Warmth coursed through her from head to foot and she felt herself leaning toward him, wanting to draw more heat from his nearness.
He slipped off his mitten and gently lifted his hand to place on her cheek.
She closed her eyes, loving the feel of his warm skin against her cool face. Tilting her cheek toward his hand, she nestled into his touch, not caring about anyone or anything in this lovely moment.
His lips rested upon hers in the next heartbeat and she pressed into his kiss. She wanted this kiss, needed it when all else felt lost and out of control.
Ben’s other hand came up and rested on her opposite cheek. She lifted her fingers and touched his arm, half wanting to pull away—half wanting to tug him closer. His kiss was soft and it took her breath away. It filled her with the most delightful feeling she’d ever known—even more so than William’s kisses.
William.
Searing agony sliced through Emmy’s haze and she pulled back from Ben, confused and ashamed that she had let him kiss her—and invited him to prolong. Her heart was in turmoil as she looked into his dear face. She had fallen in love with Ben Lahaye—deeply and truly—yet her greatest fear was being realized.
Panic welled up and her breathing became shallow. The thought of losing Ben was terrifying to her, and she had not even made the ultimate promise to love and cherish him for life. She had simply fallen in love. But it was impossible. She couldn’t love him. Couldn’t risk the real possibility that he would be pulled from her in an instant, just as William had been.
He lifted his hand again, but she pulled back. “I can’t, Ben.”
“Em.” He took her hand. “I—”
“Please don’t say another word,” she begged. “No matter what you say, I won’t return the sentiment. I won’t make any promises. I refuse to take a risk again.” She spoke the words as if she believed them, and she hoped she was convincing, because even as she said what must be said, she didn’t think she had the strength to follow through. If he would but kiss her one more time, or tell her the words her heart longed to hear, she would be lost to him forever.
She must keep him quiet.
He finally spoke, his voice low, not meeting her gaze. “Is it because of Adam?”
Adam? She frowned. Why would he think it was because of Adam?
“Do you love him?” he asked.
Love Adam? She looked at Ben and found him staring ahead.
“I’m fond of Adam,” she admitted.
He gave a quick nod and then lifted the reins, prompting Ginger to start up again.
As they drove, she wanted to beg him to understand. She didn’t want Ben to think she cared for Adam, but it seemed easier that way. If he suspected her true feelings, he might push her and she didn’t know how long she could refrain. They drove back to the Janners’ place in complete silence.
The cold overtook her toes, and then her feet, and then her legs. Eventually, her torso was frozen and then it spread to her fingers and up to her scalp. She was cold and numb all over, but the air had nothing to do with the chill she endured sitting next to Ben, moments after rejecting the most precious thing he had to offer—his heart.
He stopped in front of the Janners’ and Emmy wanted to groan when she saw Adam’s sleigh. No doubt he had come to pay another call and was waiting for her return.
Ben saw it, too. She could tell by the way his shoulders stiffened and he lifted his chin.
After he helped her from the sleigh and walked her to the door, he stepped back and nodded. He didn’t seem angry or even frustrated, but the look of rejection on his face was worse than if he had railed at her.
“Goodbye, Emmy.”
She wished she could give him her heart. “Ben, you deserve so much more than—”
“Please don’t.” He shook his head.
Shame and embarrassment overtook her and she nodded. “Goodbye.”
He walked back to the sleigh and picked up the reins without looking back.
And in that moment, Emmy felt as dark as she did when she learned William had died.