| |
I’m late for school. I missed my alarm, or turned it off, doesn’t matter which. Normally on days like this I’d just skip first period so I could put on my pretend face and make sure I was still wearing the best outfit. Not today.
Since I discovered yesterday that no one at school really cares about me, I decide I’m going to school bare-faced. I’ll still dress nice, put on my heels, and walk like a queen. I’m not a different person without makeup on or a blue stain on my face.
I feel like telling the world to piss-off today. None of what happened is going to bring me down. I think I’ll wear my low-cut sequined tank to show off my dye stained arms, too. I’ll just bring a jacket for the teachers who don’t like too much skin showing.
Minji was right. I look pretty awesome decked out in rainbow.
His phone is still shut-off and stuffed in my drawer. As soon as I got home, I made sure it was shut down so Minji couldn’t find it again. Somehow, I’m going to get it back to him without him knowing I’m a fan. Besides, I’d like to get to know the real him and not just the celebrity.
When I get to school, the hallways are crowded like they always are. People stare at me, like they always do. I ignore them, like always. Even showing up like this doesn’t change what people think of me.
Confidence is about attitude, not appearance. Appearance can help, but attitude can make up for the gap in how one looks.
I shed my jacket the second I’m indoors, flipping it over my shoulder. Chin up, strides long. The whispering that follows me increases as I step into the student lounge. It’s the hangout for all the cool kids between classes and during lunch, and the place I reign.
Nothing is different as I start my usual greetings. No one says anything about my dye-splashed appearance. I wonder if they really bought the story about me wanting to be singled out and dumped.
These are the people that threw the balloons too. They aren’t totally innocent in what happened. In fact, they’re probably faking it just as well as I am.
“Dylan!” I say, like I have every morning for the past year and a half.
His smile drops, all his guy friends look in my direction. I take five giant steps and I’m at his side, putting my arm through his. It feels natural. There’s nothing different. It was a lie before, and it’s a lie now.
“What’s going on, Corrine?” Dylan says. Not even he’s changed.
I adjust so my chest is sticking out a little more. Dylan’s guy friends lean forward like moths to a flame. Pervs. “Did you get my text last night?”
I didn’t send him a text, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is these people knowing my spirit hasn’t been broken.
“Um,” he says, reaching for his back pocket.
I stop his hand. “Don’t bother.”
Now it’s time to show my true advantage. Abby can break up with me all she wants and I’ll still rule this roost. I step on my tip-toes―Dylan is taller than me, even in heels―and whisper in his ear. “Please tell me you’re not really that big of a jerk," I say with a smile on my face.
Dylan’s jaw is tight as he looks my direction, questions on his face. All of his guy friends are drooling, wondering what sexy thing I could’ve possibly said. Such losers.
“Corrine,” Dylan says, trying to dislodge my hand.
Not now. I’m trying to save face. If he separates from me, I’ll be meat for the wolves. The only thing that’s kept the other male pigs in the school from hunting me all this time is him. We had an agreement.
I lean up and whisper again, keeping the fake smile plastered on. “Please don’t do this here, let’s talk in private.”
I want everyone to think things are okay with us, despite Abby’s show, but I also want to know the reasoning behind his actions. If I ask him outright, everyone will think I’m the jealous girlfriend, and that no longer makes me the queen.
Dylan is somber when I look at him again. He dips down so he can reach my ear. “I’ll meet you outside the gym at lunch.”
My teeth catch my lip as I nod. I give his little friends a timid wave and prance off to my first class.
This is something I’ve done a million times. I thought it meant I was powerful, but today I feel sick about it. Am I this person? Didn’t I just do exactly what my mom wanted me to?
For the first time I notice the way people are looking at me. It’s not the same stares I get. Maybe I’m not as amazing as I’ve made myself out to be this whole time.
I shake my head and square my shoulders. There’s nothing wrong with a little pretend flirting. When I meet Dylan later I can tell him how I really feel.
Abby is in my first class. She’s in most of my classes. How shallow has our relationship been? Sitting by each other, talking hair techniques and clothing trends, or gossiping about anyone who isn’t in our inner circle. I don’t want to be that girl anymore, but I don’t know how to quit either.
I stop right in front of her desk and wait until she looks at me. Really takes in my appearance. She doesn’t react.
My jacket is hanging by the tip of my finger and I toss it on the back of my chair, which is the seat behind Abby. “Hey,” I say, lips in a tight grin. No more than my usual act.
She looks me over, one eyebrow cocked. “Hey.”
I slip into my chair and flip my hair over my shoulder. “You should’ve come over and hung out last night,” I say. I really mean it, but it comes out snarky. I still can’t make it stop.
Everyone is looking at us. The twisted part of me wants them to. It wants them to see me put Abby in her place.
“I couldn’t,” Abby says, playing along. “Homework.”
I lean forward, but speak loudly so everyone can hear. “Next time, bring your homework. I’ll help you with it. Just like you helped me get rid of Dylan.”
Stop. Stop. Stop. I can’t. Power is an addiction, and if I can’t have it at home, I can have it here. If I say the right things now, everyone really will believe I planned the whole balloon attack.
“No thanks,” Abby says, her face hard. She turns around to face the front of the classroom.
I could end it like that. Be the bigger person and move forward, but I also see my chance to win, and the devil on my shoulder is louder and in charge. “Why not?” I say really loud. “Who would want to date a douche like Dylan anyway? I’m so glad I don’t have to be around him anymore. I hope you haven’t fallen for his act.”
Abby flips around and stares me down. I can tell she wants to retort, but the starting bell rings, causing everyone’s attention to turn to the front of the classroom.
I quickly scribble a note and pass it over Abby’s shoulder so it lands on her desk.
Think twice before you cross me. If you want a battle, I’ll give you a war.
I’m Corrine Miller-Hayden. There’s nothing a Miller-Hayden can’t do.
***
Dylan meets me outside the school right as lunch starts. I see it all so clearly now. Abby’s hated me, I don’t know how long, and she’s finally taking action. I just don’t get why Dylan agreed to go along with her scheme.
“Why?” I say, the second I know we’re alone. In my head I want to ask him to stop the madness. I want to beg to be free of this person I’ve created on the outside. I don’t follow through. “If you wanted to break our agreement, you should’ve said something.”
“I’m sorry,” Dylan says, fading into the wall behind him.
I know I asked him the question, but I don’t really want to hear the answer. Since I outed myself to my mom, I realize how much of me isn’t genuine.
“Forget it,” I say, trying to redeem myself. “I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. I should know everything there is to know by your actions.” I close my eyes, voice going small. “If anyone asks, I’m the one who broke up with you.”
I start to walk away, but Dylan catches me. “Don’t be like that, Corrine. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Really? I spin on him, snapping my hand from his grip. I’m so sick of everything here. I wish could escape it all.
“Well, you did,” I say snapping my teeth.
He shakes his head, running his hand through his sandy hair. His startling blue eyes flick up, locking me in their gaze.
I get it, I really do. He is good-looking in the handsome American actor sort of way, but to me he’s just a friend. I can’t see past that.
“Corrine,” he says, stepping into my personal bubble. “If I had any other choice, I wouldn’t have done that. Abby forced me.”
No one can force another person to make a choice like that. “Seriously? There was nothing you could do to save face?”
Dylan visibly swallows. “Yes. I wish I could tell you everything―”
I scoff. “Don’t say anything else, Dylan. I know enough.”
He bites his lip and I start to walk away again, but Dylan snatches me and spins me around so I’m hugging him. I don’t want to be hugging him.
I pound on his shoulders. “Let me go,” I say, my voice firm. If he doesn’t, I plan on driving my heel into his foot.
“Corrine,” he responds, his voice begging. “I know you don’t like me very much right now, but I like you. Yes, we had an agreement, but I only did that because of my feelings for you. Please, believe me when I say I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t need to. Let me make it up to you.”
What? I’m not sure I heard that right. Does he seriously have a crush on me? I can’t wrap my head around it. “Dylan, I—”
He frees me, staring at his shoes as he steps back. “It’s fine. I’ve waited for three years for you. I can keep waiting.”
What is he waiting for? Every girl wants to be with him. Including my once best friend. I have no idea how to respond to that.
“Dylan,” I say, my heart constricting. “Don’t wait for me. I’m not that great of a person.”
I don’t want it to be true, but I’ve been a total brat today and I hate myself for it. What if Minji were to see me like this? He’s been nothing but kind and I’ve been an A-hole.
“What are you talking about?” he says. “Everyone loves you.”
I shake my head. “They shouldn’t. I’m a liar. I’m a fake. I’m not nice. I don’t want to be me anymore.”
“Don’t say that,” Dylan says, but I know they’re empty words.
“Just...forget it,” I say, looking to the sky.
He can’t understand what I’m going through. No one at this school can. And now I can’t even tell Minji because I’ve decided not to let my fangirl show. It’s a total mess.
“Corrine?” I turn at the sound of the voice and find Minji just exiting his van outside the school.
What is he doing here? I thought he would call before we saw each other again.
“Minji?”
The gigantic smile on his face is too adorable. He strides over to Dylan and I, then casually puts an arm around my shoulders.
Butterflies explode from my insides. I glance at his face, because I swear he’s not real, but here he is, in the flesh, looking as amazing as ever.
“Everything okay?” Minji asks, casually.
Minji’s touching me right now. Minji’s touching me right now. Minji’s touching me RIGHT NOW.
“Yeah,” I squeak. “Dylan and I are just talking. What are you doing here?”
Dylan looks between the two of us. “Who is this guy?”
My face heats a bazillion degrees. I have to tell him something, but I’m not sure what. “He’s...”
Minji squishes me into his side. “I’m her boyfriend.”
No. This is not happening. I mean, if it were true I would be praising the heavens, but I’ve already told enough lies for the day.
Dylan scoffs. “Corrine’s never had a crush on anyone.”
It’s true. I’ve found guys attractive. I’ve liked being around a few people, but until I found K-pop, I never really had that feeling, the one where I really like a person and truly want to be with them, even if they only lived in my computer screen.
Now my ears are getting warm. This is the blush that won’t die.
“People change,” Minji says, matter-of-factly.
I dare to look at his face, to take in the shape of his full lips, to stare into his dark, dark eyes. As much as I try to, I can’t look away. I’m drowning in a sea of black glass, completely absorbed in his gaze. My knees go weak as my heart begins to pound.
“Good news,” Minji says to me. “I’m going to finish up my GED at your school.”
