“Margie, please screen all my calls.”
Jeremy hung up the phone, determined to get some work done this morning. He hadn’t slept very well, and this Monday was already proving to be hectic and full of problems. An office administrator in classifieds had given her two weeks notice, a features reporter was out sick, and everyone was rushing around with last-minute holiday jitters. If he had one more interruption, he was going to go home, put on his jogging clothes and run through Sugar Tree Park until he couldn’t breathe.
But you’ve been running all fall, remember? Now, he felt so tired, as if he had indeed been running a long, hard race with no end in sight. Gabi’s tough words kept echoing through his head. And his father’s expectant face kept moving through both his dreams and his sleeplessness.
It was one week until Christmas, but Jeremy couldn’t find much to celebrate. Except for Gabi. While his brothers and sisters constantly coaxed him to make amends with their father, Gabi had given it to him straight up. He couldn’t move forward because he was frozen in the past. Even though she’d told him the truth, she’d also given him her support and her understanding. And made him see that he’d never be whole again until he made some changes.
Remembering how much he’d enjoyed taking her to Melissa’s wedding, he also remembered how he’d dragged her out of the crowded reception hall, every eye in the room following them after his brief confrontation with his father.
His father. Would he ever get used to calling Wallace that again?
“I didn’t handle that too well, did I?” he’d asked Gabi after rushing her to the car last night. They’d sat there a while, silent, holding hands until he’d finally let out a breath and asked her that question.
“You did speak to him. It’s a start.”
Her soft-spoken reply no longer held any censure.
“I just can’t bring myself to sit down and talk to the man. I know he wants us to be close again, but it’s hard.”
Gabi had encouraged him to keep trying. “He’s getting better now, Jeremy. He almost died, but he has a chance to make up for what he’s done to you. That has to be part of the healing.”
Jeremy thought about her words now, wondering if he could make a difference in his father’s recovery simply by giving in and acknowledging Wallace. He’d have to try, for his mother’s sake, and maybe for his own sanity. Gabi had been talking about him doing some healing of his own, too.
He worked on a stack of papers, signing off on budget reports and marketing promotions, then did some work on his computer for the next hour, pleasant memories of kissing Gabi good night making him stop and smile as he stared out at the mountain peaks in the distance.
Margie burst in just as the clock ticked toward noon, causing Jeremy to glance up from the papers he had yet to read. “Uh, Jeremy, your dad just called. He wants you to call him back.”
Surprised that Wallace had made the effort, Jeremy held back from picking up the phone immediately to return the call. “Thanks, Margie. Anything else?”
His phone shrilled out three concise rings even as he asked the question. Margie quickly picked it up, her lips lifting into an indulgent smile as she glanced over at Jeremy. “Let me see if he’s available,” she said.
Jeremy shook his head, but Margie held up a hand. “Yes, I understand. Roni—Veronica. Got it. And Talia. You both need to talk to Mr. Hamilton?”
Jeremy waved his hand. “I’ll take that call.”
Margie grinned, then handed him the receiver. “Sounds urgent.”
“Roni?” Jeremy asked, hoping nothing was wrong at the Valencia house. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”
Roni giggled. “We’re fine, Mr. Jeremy. Our grandmother said we could call you.”
“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Jeremy asked, enjoying the giggles from the other end of the phone.
“We’re out for the holidays,” Roni explained in an overly patient tone. “But we need your help.”
Confused, but pleased that the formidable little Roni had reached out to him, Jeremy said, “Okay. What’s the problem?”
Talia’s cute voice echoed over the line before her sister could speak. “We want to buy Mama a nice present. Will you take us shopping?”
Shopping for Gabi. Jeremy hadn’t even thought about Christmas presents. “Of course, but how does your grandmother feel about this?”
“She said we’d have to clear it with Mama, but we can’t tell Mama who we’re shopping for—you know, since it’s her. We begged Abuela to let us call you.”
“I understand,” Jeremy replied. “But why me?”
Roni took over again. “Because we told our grandmother you like Mama and you’ll help us pick her out something special. Abuela already has all her gifts for Mama.”
“I see,” Jeremy said, grinning. Maybe Gabi’s mom was in on this matchmaking scheme right along with Dawn. “Well, I think I can arrange some time later this afternoon. But you have to make sure your mother gives you her permission.” He glanced at the clock. “I’ll call her at work just to clear it, okay?”
“Okay,” Roni replied. “Can you pick us up at our abuela’s house?”
“Sure.” Jeremy took down the address. The house wasn’t far from Gabi’s. He agreed to pick them up around four that afternoon, if Gabi gave her approval.
He looked up at Margie’s grinning face. “Thanks, Margie. I have another call to make.”
“Sure thing,” Margie said, backing out of the room.
Jeremy dialed Gabi’s work number. She answered on the second ring. “Hi, it’s me,” he said.
“Hi.” She sounded hesitant. “How are you?”
“I’m doing just fine. Busy.”
“Me, too.”
He didn’t like the stilted tone in her voice. Did she think he was angry with her? “I need to ask you something,” he said, trying to sound light.
He heard her sigh. “Okay. Go ahead.”
He got right to the point. “Your girls want me to take them shopping.”
That got her attention. “Why? What are you talking about?” He could hear the anxiety in her voice.
“It’s a big secret. We’re going to shop for someone very special, so I can’t tell you any more than that.”
“I see.” He heard her chuckle then. “Are you sure you’re ready to go shopping with two little girls?”
“I guess I’ll find out.”
“Jeremy, you don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I do. I insist. I just wanted to clear it with you.”
She was silent a minute, then said, “I guess it’s okay. Just don’t let them drag you all over the place.”
“We’ll be fine. And we’ll bring dinner home for you.”
“That’s not—” She stopped, sighed. “My Sunday school Christmas party is tonight. You could bring them to meet me there.” She named the restaurant and time. “And you can stay a while, if you’d like.”
“Great. See you later.”
After hanging up, Jeremy looked at the work piled on his desk, then tackled it with new energy. He had to get this done so he could help the girls pick out something nice for their mother. And he’d find Gabi a special gift from him, too. Whistling along with the jazzy holiday tune playing over the radio, Jeremy finally got into the Christmas spirit.
“That one sure is pretty.”
Roni looked longingly at the gold necklace with the dainty diamonds set in a sparkling row of three, one on top of the other.
“It has three diamonds,” Talia said, grinning up at Jeremy. “One for Mommy and one for each of us.”
“So it does,” Jeremy said, giving the clerk behind the jewelry counter at Engel’s a heads-up. “Could we have a closer look at that one?”
The clerk, a young blond woman, nodded her approval. “That’s a good choice, Mr. Hamilton.”
Surprised that she knew him, Jeremy looked at the price of the necklace. It was expensive. Careful to hide that fact from the girls, he made a big deal of surveying the necklace. “What do you think, Roni?”
Roni looked from the glistening necklace to him. “I think we didn’t bring enough money.”
The disappointment in her eyes made Jeremy’s heart do funny things. He looked at the clerk, hoping she’d heed his meaning. “Oh, I think you brought just enough money. How much do you have?”
“Together, about twenty-two dollars,” Talia said. “It’s our allowance and some Abuela gave us.”
“Just right,” Jeremy replied, nodding to the clerk. “Could you wrap this up extra special for the girls?” Then he leaned close, his charge card in one hand. “This should cover the wrapping paper and…anything else needed.”
“Of course, Mr. Hamilton,” the girl whose name tag read Lyn, said, bobbing her head. “I’ll take care of this right away.”
Jeremy spotted the matching earrings. “Lyn, add these to our purchases, too, will you?”
Lyn took the earrings out of the case.
“Are we buying those, too?” Talia asked, glancing up at Jeremy with big eyes.
“Those are from me, but not a word to your mother.”
Both girls giggled behind their hands.
“She’s gonna flip,” Talia said.
“Thank you,” Roni added shyly. “That was nice of you.”
Jeremy beamed a smile at her. “I wanted to give your mother something, too, so now we have that all taken care of. What next?”
“Can I go talk to Santa?” Talia asked. “I need to ask him something really bad.”
Jeremy looked at Roni. “I guess we could do that while Lyn is finishing with your mother’s gifts. Is that okay with you, Roni?”
Roni shook her head, one hand on her hip. “I don’t believe in Santa, but Talia thinks she has to talk to him.” She shrugged, her indifference making her look mature beyond her years. “I guess she can go.”
Jeremy told Lyn they’d be back for the packages in a few minutes, then took the girls to the toy department. Santa had set up shop right there in the store.
Talia rushed up to the big red velvet chair, waving to the bearded man who sat ready to listen to Christmas requests. “Hello, Santa.”
“Well, hello there, little lady,” the jolly Santa replied. “What can I do for you today?”
Jeremy stood back with Roni, noting how she tried to look bored. “Don’t you want to talk to Santa?”
She looked at her glitter-covered nails. “No, sir.”
“But isn’t there something you want for Christmas?”
Roni finally looked up at him. “Not really. I’ll get clothes and maybe some CDs, but Santa can’t bring me what I really want.”
Jeremy went down on one knee so he could look her in the eye. “And what’s that, honey?”
Roni shrugged again, her big eyes pinning Jeremy with a direct look. “Talia wants to ask Santa for a new daddy. I told her that’s dumb. Why should we get a new daddy?” Her next words caused Jeremy to flinch. “I want my daddy back. And even Santa can’t make that happen.”
Jeremy didn’t know how to answer that. But he certainly knew how Roni felt. “It’s tough to lose someone you love,” he said. “Have you talked to your mother about this?”
“She knows,” Roni replied, tapping a sneakered foot. “I hear her sometimes, at night. She cries. So I try not to worry her too much.” Then she looked up at him. “That’s why I’m trying to like you, too.”
Roni’s gentle admission floored Jeremy. He looked right into her eyes. “Honey, I’d love to be your friend, but I know I can never replace your daddy.” He couldn’t tell her that he knew exactly how she felt, that he’d never known his own biological father. But he could certainly try to make Roni understand. “I don’t want you or your mother ever to fight or disagree over me. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Roni shrugged, her tiny shoulders looking fragile. “It’s just hard…sometimes. I don’t like to see Mama crying, but I don’t like to see her with you either. Are you mad at me for telling you that?”
Jeremy touched the child’s arm. “Of course I’m not mad. I’m glad you told me. It just means you love your mother and that you still remember your father. I think that is very admirable.”
Roni’s soft smile tugged at his heart. “Does that mean we’re okay—you and me?”
“We sure are, even if you’re not so sure about having me around. And I don’t want to make either you or your mother cry, okay?”
“Okay.”
Jeremy closed his eyes to that image. He never wanted to see Gabi crying. He wanted to make her happy again. But how could he do that when he still had the same sort of grief deep inside himself? And he couldn’t explain to Roni that he, too, had lost a father, in more ways than one.
Talia came running up to them. “I told Santa what I wanted.”
“And what did he say?” her sister asked, her question challenging.
Talia waved to Santa. “He said he would send up a special prayer for me.”
“But he didn’t promise you a new daddy, did he?”
“Not really,” Talia said. “But he’s Santa. He can make anything happen.”
“No, he can’t,” Roni retorted. Then she tugged on Jeremy’s coat. “Tell her, Mr. Jeremy. Tell her that Santa isn’t real and he can’t bring her a daddy.”
Jeremy felt Talia’s little hand on his. “I don’t care what Roni thinks. I believe in Santa. And I believe that one day, he’ll bring me a nice person to love Mommy and us.”
“Whatever,” Roni said, breaking away with yet another shrug. But she gave Jeremy a hopeful look, in spite of her attempts to be nonchalant.
Talia still held tightly to Jeremy’s hand. “Do you believe in Santa?” she asked.
Jeremy felt the prick of tears in his eyes. “I want to, honey. I sure want to.” Then he leaned down to swoop her up into his arms. “Maybe your sister just doesn’t want you to get your hopes up. Bringing toys is very different, compared to what you’re asking Santa for.”
“I know,” Talia replied, her tone pragmatic. “That’s why I asked for a baby doll, too.”
That made Jeremy laugh in spite of the rip inside his heart. “Now I know for a fact that Santa can deliver on that request.”
After having hot chocolate at Betty’s, Jeremy took the girls to meet Gabi at her class Christmas party at a large restaurant out on the river. The group had gathered in a private room at the back of the seafood restaurant. When Jeremy entered with the girls, everyone smiled and waved.
Dawn hugged the girls close, while Gabi smiled at Jeremy. “Thanks for bringing them. And for taking them shopping.”
“No problem,” he said, glad to see her smiling face.
She was dressed in black pants and a red sweater woven with glittery gold threads. Her hair was down and curling around her face. She looked relaxed and happy. He remembered Roni’s earlier words, about Gabi crying at night. He never wanted to cause her any pain.
“So what’s the big secret about this shopping trip?” she asked, grinning down at the girls.
“It’s still a secret,” Talia replied, hiding her giggles behind her hand. “You have to wait until Christmas.”
“Oh, I see.” She leaned close to Jeremy. “So my girls got you involved in this, huh?”
“It was fun. I enjoyed being with them.”
“And we talked to Santa,” Talia said, hopping with excitement.
“You did. I didn’t,” Roni said, stomping away to talk to some of her friends.
“She’s at that age,” Gabi said to Jeremy. “She’s having a hard time this year.”
Jeremy didn’t tell Gabi what Roni and he had talked about. Instead, he said, “I think she wishes with all her heart for Santa to be real.”
“Don’t we all?”
He smiled at that, then took her hand in his. “I sure feel as if he’s brought me a nice present.”
She blushed and looked down. “This has been an interesting Christmas.”
“And it’s not over yet.”
“That’s right. We have the Christmas play tomorrow night. You are coming, right?”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” he told her.
Her dark eyes held his. “Jeremy, about last night—”
“I had a wonderful time.”
“I mean, I’m sorry I was so harsh with you, after we talked to your father.”
“Hey, I needed to hear that.”
“So you’re not mad at me?”
Her words and tone reminded him of Roni asking him the very same question.
“No. I appreciate what you said.”
“And you’ll…give us some time?”
“Of course. And in the meantime, I intend to win you over—after I change my ways, of course.”
“I don’t want you to change. I just want you to be very clear about your feelings.”
“Oh, I’m clear on that,” he said, his gaze moving over her face. “I just need to make sure you understand things. I’m not using you. But I’m willing to wait. And you’re right. I need to move on and…celebrate all that’s good in my life.”
She lifted her head, her smile reinforcing that statement. “We both need to do that.”
They turned to all the friends gathered together to celebrate the holidays. Jeremy raised his punch glass to his brother Chris. Felicity was here, along with Ethan and Heather, and Bryan and Amy. Tim and Dawn had just left to visit Wallace. Jeremy wondered if he shouldn’t do the same. And he probably should start attending this class at church, since most of his siblings and the woman he was attracted to were members.
Spending the afternoon with Talia and Roni had taught him a valuable lesson: being a parent wasn’t easy. Children were so innocent, so vulnerable, but so very wise and all-seeing. He could now understand why his parents had tried to protect him for so long. Their love for him had forced them to withhold the truth.
Later, as he stood at Gabi’s door with her in his arms, he thought again about his father. “I enjoyed tonight,” he told her. “And I really enjoyed shopping with the girls.”
“Thanks again,” she said, looking up at him, her eyes as dark and rich as the earth surrounding the river. “They don’t get to indulge themselves very much.”
“I’d spoil them rotten,” he said, meaning it.
“You can’t do that,” she quickly replied.
“I’d spoil you, too, if you’d let me.”
“I know,” she said, shaking her head. “That’s why I have to resist you.”
“So I am tempting?”
She smiled, touched a hand to his face. “Too tempting.”
Talia stuck her head out the door. “Mommy, I’m ready for bed. Come tuck me in.” Then she reached a hand to Jeremy. “You, too, Mr. Jeremy.”
Jeremy knew right then that he was a goner. Not only did he love Gabi, but he loved her daughters, too. Looking to Gabi for guidance, he asked, “May I?”
Gabi seemed hesitant, but she finally nodded. “If that’s what Talia wants.”
“I do, I do,” Talia said, doing her famous foot-hopping dance. Then she held her arms wide for Jeremy.
He took her up, holding the little girl close as they entered the house. Talia’s unconditional trust and acceptance made him feel both humble and blessed. Watching Gabi read a short Bible story to Talia only added to the emotional overload he’d been feeling lately. He kissed the little girl good night, then told her stoic sister Roni he’d see her soon.
Then he held Gabi close, unable to say what was in his heart.
But when he left the Valencia house about an hour later, he headed straight home to the Hamilton estate. It was past bedtime, but Jeremy let himself in the back door and walked quietly and steadily to the small study on the first floor where his father’s hospital bed had been placed. The night nurse they’d hired to sit with Wallace told Jeremy his mother was asleep upstairs. Jeremy asked the whispering nurse to take a break. Then he was alone with Wallace.
Glad for that, Jeremy stood just inside the door, in the dark, watching the rise and fall of his father’s chest. He stood, his heart beating against the wool of his jacket, his mind reeling with wave after wave of emotion—pain, anger, rejection, regret, fear and, finally, a need so great he almost bent over with it.
“I understand so much now, Father,” he said, his words a soft whisper. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know you love me.” He wiped at the hot tears forming in his eyes. “I so wanted to be like you. I wanted to be your son. I wanted you to be proud of me.”
He waited, listening to the silence, listening to Wallace’s steady breathing. “Can you forgive me, Daddy? Can you forgive me for turning away?”
Jeremy stopped, took in a breath. He realized he wasn’t just talking to his living father, here in this room. He was also asking God to forgive him, too. He’d turned away from both, his rage and his need too great to comprehend. Now he understood the only way to ease that rage and pain was to forgive and to turn back to God. He had to let go of the past so he could have a new and better future. And the first step would be to reconcile with the man in this bed.
He moved toward the bed, touched a hand to his father’s aged fingers. “I’m here, Daddy. I’m here. I just want you to know that.” He held Wallace’s hand in his for a long time, his prayers centered on healing for both of them.
“I’m so sorry, Daddy.”
Then he turned and left the room.
Wallace woke with a start. “Jeremy?”
He glanced around, the light from the bathroom illuminating the empty room. He’d heard Jeremy’s voice. He knew it. He’d heard his son’s words of encouragement, words of hope and forgiveness. “Jeremy?” he called out again.
There was no answer.
Maybe he’d been dreaming, but for the first time in many months, Wallace smiled and felt a deep peace inside his soul. And then he slept the night through.