We have all heard that America is a sick society, but nobody has been very specific about what precisely ails us. To fill this gap in the medical sciences, I have completed six hours of research by sitting in front of a television set, as a result of which I can now offer the following Complete Encyclopedia of Leading American Ailments.
Nagging backache: A mysterious affliction suffered by at least fifteen of every hundred Americans; possibly associated with tired kidneys, or moving the piano.
Rough, chapped lips: A winter ailment which takes half the fun out of kissing. Not to be confused with cracked, ugly hands, which result from washing dishes in inadequately advertised detergents.
Cracked, ugly hands: A scourge peculiar to women. (See “Rough, chapped lips” above.)
Razor nicks: All males who use safety razors sold before 1980 suffer at least three per shave.
Medicine-y breath: This common ailment invariably attacks persons who, upon being told their breath is offensive, rush off to gargle their own mouthwash. Can be cured only by using a second mouthwash recommended by the person who diagnosed the case in the first place.
Everyday aches and pains: A malaise whose origin still defies medical science, but believed by many to result from getting up in the morning, or being mugged.
Sleepless nights: Characterized by intense tossing and turning after retirement. Probably caused by large accumulations of cracker crumbs or problem dandruff (see “Problem dandruff” below) in the bed sheets. Medication: three pages of Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust, or three ounces of gin, or pill prescribed by television.
Unneutralized stomach acid: A nasty business in the digestive tract resulting from taking a pill which neutralizes only half as much stomach acid as it ought to.
The wet look: A ghastly head ailment in which the patient’s hair becomes tightly plastered to his skull. Peculiar to males.
Headache: Another nasty head condition in which nerves that look like steel wires tighten around the sides of the skull, forcing the infamous headache pain to strike, thus producing severe wrinkling around the eyes, tart language to beloved family members and an appalling loss of cosmetic makeup on the facial planes.
Cold miseries: A terrifying mechanical assault on the upper torso in which a fire rages inside the throat, a shower runs at full volume inside the skull and a rope, inserted into the chest cavity, attempts to strangle the lungs.
Problem dandruff: A new and more dreadful form of the male’s ancient curse, discovered just last year at the world-famous Dandruff Clinic in Zurich. Unless patient submits to radical shampooing, no rug in his house can be saved.
Unsightly dandruff: Sometimes called the Italian disease because Columbus is thought to have brought it with him from Genoa, unsightly dandruff, if not treated rapidly, invariably leads to loss of job promotion and severe social embarrassment, such as losing the girl.
Offensive foot odor: A hideous pedal ailment secretly suffered by males, who live under unbearable psychic torment because of fear they may be taken to Japanese restaurants where their terrible secret will become known when they are asked to remove shoes.
Cellulite: An affliction in which fatty deposits resembling subcutaneous Jell-O pockets accumulate on female hips. Can be cured only by buying a book from Ann Miller, the famous doctor of tap dancing.
Iron deficiency: Are you aware that women require twice as much iron as men? Very few of them are getting it, and for this reason they suffer from sluggishness, midafternoon fatigue and inability to put up with small children. Treatment: a large bowl of shredded jail bars at breakfast every morning.
Wetness: Glandular affliction common among Americans who run five miles to the supermarket on August afternoons. Fortunately, home diagnosis is easy: you have only to ask a pair of your talking overalls if you need treatment. If overalls say yes, spray yourself with chemicals. Wetness is not to be confused with “The wet look” or “Offensive foot odor.” (See above.)
Acid indigestion brought on by overindulgence: This dreaded medical mouthful is believed to afflict up to 60 percent of the entire American population on any given day and results from being alive.
Sluggishness brought on by irregularity: More commonly known as the ailment that dares not speak its name, S.B.O.B.I., as scientists call it, most commonly strikes retired men who are about to undertake ladder jobs around the house. It is always accompanied by a more youthful adult who knows precisely what to prescribe.
Another edition of this encyclopedia will deal with other American ailments, like “Dull-old-nonvibrating-shower-head depression,” which is just emerging.