Among treasures recently uncovered by Italian workmen excavating for a new discothèque in Rome is an essay entitled “How I Spent My Summer Vacation,” written by Julius Caesar at the start of his junior year in Cato the Elder High School. At the request of the Italian Government and the classics faculty of Oxford University, I have translated it from the Latin into English. The text reads as follows:
These things thus being so which also, from the nones to the ides, the impediments having been abandoned, Caesar constituted on the rostrum to exhort his comrades to joy. “No more lessons, no more parchment scrolls, no more teacher’s dirty looks,” Caesar hortated.
Ten days having subsided, of which the maximum was the first Sunday, Caesar, of whom the parents having to a villa in Capri passed from the injurious sun of Rome to that lambent insular quiescence. Which, therefore, Caesar, being abandoned solely to the urbans of the Rome, he gave himself illicit custody of his father’s chariot and hied it through the Roman routes and streets in quest of frumentum.
Between those all which conjoined with Caesar in the paternal chariot, thus to harass the maximally beautiful feminine youth of the city and to make the ejection of empty wine jugs onto the lawns of quaestors, censors, tribunes and matrons, were Cassius and Marc Antony.
Brutus noble was superior to the omnibus, however, of others between Caesar’s cohorts. That one opposed his stance to the puerile search for frumentum, stating which things thusly: primary, that harassings of femininity from a moving chariot and ejectings of empty wine jugs had not been predicted by the Cumae Sibyl. Fourthly, that Caesar was a reckless driver which would wreak ire, not only of the gods, but also of Caesar’s father, by the arrogance of which he burnt the iron from the paternal chariot wheels.
The which made much risibility itself between Cassius, Marc Antony and Caesar. “Friends, Romans, countrymen,” said Brutus, “evince respect to the public thing unless you will have forgotten to obviate too long our patience, O Catiline.”
These things having been exhorted, Marc Antony asked Caesar to lend him his ear and declared into it, “Brutus is a sissy. For two denariuses I’d whip his gluteus maximus.”
Caesar’s ear whence, by forced march, having been manumitted to Cassius, this one, his lips having been juxtaposed to the lobe, uttered, “Brutus thinks too much about the public thing. Such schoolboys are stuffy.”
Twelve nights having marched, Caesar and his amiables having collected a six-pack of Falernian wine and three frumentums from South Tiber Girls’ Latin School, these made strategems to effectuate nocturnal sport on Capitoline Hill.
To which speeding full of equitation, the chariot encountered an opposing chariot adjoined in much agitation, having debauched from the superior route without attention to the whiffle-tree connection.
After brusque externalization from Caesar’s chariot in a shower of frumentum, Caesar, Cassius and Marc Antony, their wounds being inferior, hurled themselves furioso with epithet upon the two passengers of the intersecting chariot shattered in regard to the right wheel.
“Tacit your puerile abuse,” said the younger of those there two. “You are speaking to Cato the Younger and this one here of us two is Pliny the Elder.”
Thus which then Caesar being aware, without days of wrath and being recognized by Cassius and Marc Antony as the without whom none, Caesar sent pleas to Cato the Younger and Pliny the Elder lest they make him under arrest for driving a chariot without a license.
Of which indeed it would have been made, the more thus also by which that inspection of Caesar’s chariot would have unopened the essence of a can of paint, revealing his juvenilian strategy to paint a graffito on the statue of Romulus and Remus. By high fortune joined the dispute Cicero, having been awakened from his oration by the crash.
“How long, O Julius, will you continue to abut our patience?” asked Cicero. Then was Caesar full of dolor, by which he made the oath to work hard all summer and respect the public thing, whomever would Cicero lend him the money to repair the two ruinous chariots before his father got back from Capri.
“I shall make it thus to be so which,” said Cicero, “because of the respect I support for your old genitor.”
Thus came Caesar to toil his summer vacation in labored makings and to ponder the glory of the public thing, of which the which is such that there is no posse to improve it, although Caesar is determined to study hard this year so he can grow up and improve it anyhow, whichever is of what.