Here is the latest Wanted list of the most despicable people in the United States today:
Elizabeth (Betty the Breadbasket) Goolarik: Wanted in thirteen states on charges of being overweight in a public place, and ten counts of failure to look like a bone sack when dressed for dancing. Goolarik was last seen in Peru, Indiana, washing down chicken tetrazzini, mashed potatoes, gravy, an ear of corn and a slice of pecan pie with a high-calorie cola drink. Goolarik is easily recognized by a coating of flesh, which she wears attached to her bone structure, and by her inability to swoon when the waiter suggests a chocolate parfait. Should be approached with care, as she is skilled with fork, spoon and knife and has, in several cases, lured pursuers into joining her in an order of spaghetti with chicken livers.
Ernest (Mister Clean) Cloxbury: A three-time loser, Cloxbury has been convicted of sexual inhibition, repressing a minor and wearing pajamas in bed. He is wanted by sociologists in California and New York on charges of monogamous heterosexuality and hiding a copy of Forever Amber in the laundry hamper during visits from his grandmother. Cloxbury can be identified by his refusal to undress until the lights are out.
Alphonse (Wheels) Caramba: This insatiable gasoline guzzler strikes without warning, pulling his car into filling stations, aiming a wad of $20 bills and ordering attendants to “fill her up.” He has bought eighty gallons in four cities within the past month. In his wake he has left scores of small economy cars so desperately scarred by contact with the voracious appetite of Caramba’s powerful car that they are ashamed to resume normal gasoline consumption. Caramba is known to fear that he may be mobbed and beaten by jealous small-car owners and is said to carry two loaded gasoline containers at all times. Use extreme caution.
Gertrude (Butts) Blitzer: Blitzer has committed barefaced cigarette smoking in restaurants, parlors, lobbies, taxicabs and lounges of six states, as well as several airplanes. She is identifiable by cigarette holes in her skirt and ashes in her coffee. She carries a lighter and a spare pack and will smoke without warning.
Andrew Upchurch: Known among social enforcers as “Hah-Hah,” Upchurch has cut a swath of terror from Milwaukee to Bridgeport by bursting into dying dinner parties and telling ethnic jokes. In Ashtabula, while hitchhiking with a prominent Democrat, he got off a Pakistani joke, a Canadian joke and a Swedish joke before being stopped by a state-patrol roadblock. By that time it was too late to save the driver, who is still in coma, and Upchurch blasted his way out with three rapid-fire Hindu jokes that have left the Ohio State Police deeply offended.
B. B. (The Oinker) Burns: Sought in thirty-nine states and Canada for ruthless male chauvinism, Burns was last seen in San Francisco opening a door for a woman. Her condition is still critical. Lucinda Burns, his wife, is serving a ten-year sentence in the campaign speeches of Bella Abzug after being convicted of doing the dishwashing. Burns is thought to be eating off dirty plates and may be desperate enough to get off a hail of mother-in-law jokes unless taken by surprise.
Casper Haspell: The most notorious do-gooder and bleeding heart on the continent, Haspell has committed a vile series of good-doings that have made his name repugnant to politicians, editorialists and policemen from coast to coast. Convicted of attempting to commit do-goodism in the Congress, he escaped by shocking authorities with a free lunch. “There is no such thing as a free lunch!” they cried in amazement, as Haspell climbed unnoticed over the top line. He has since been convicted in absentia of not being a bottom-line man. People in trouble should be particularly on guard, as Haspell is a seasoned do-gooder whose bleeding heart may leave unsightly splotches on unpayable bills without warning.
Elvin (The Juice) Broomster: Sometimes called the most revolting beast in America, Broomster is guilty of at least 15,000 recorded acts of materialism, ranging from getting his suit pressed once a month to shunning the Bicentennial Celebration fireworks of 1976 because he couldn’t see how it was going to improve his earning power. Broomster was last seen having his house rewired to accommodate eighteen new electric appliances. Unmarried, he is said to be looking for an electrician who will wire an accommodating woman so he can be the first man in his neighborhood with an electric wife.