Summer 2010, the Beach House, Dennes Point, Bruny Island
The ambulance had taken nearly an hour to arrive. There was no bridge over to the island, only the car ferry, and that had taken forty minutes, and add that to the journey from the hospital … It felt interminable. During that time, Angela had stopped breathing. Twice. It was Jude who had brought her back, giving her CPR, compressing her chest, while everyone else had stood around white-faced. When Angela began to breathe again for the second time, Mandy broke down and sobbed into her uncle’s shoulder. Lis hung on to Murray, who had stared down at his mother as if he was in shock.
Well, they were all in shock.
Although Nina had known Angela was ill, it was one thing to know a fact and another to actually watch someone die in front of your eyes. Twice.
When the ambulance arrived with sirens wailing, and the paramedics jumped out and went into action, Nina found herself standing beside Murray. He looked so shattered that she took his hand and gave it a squeeze.
‘She’ll be all right,’ she murmured the words she did not know were true.
He nodded slowly, staring at the scene before them, as if he was struggling to process it.
‘At least Jude was here,’ she went on. ‘He took that first-aid course last year.’
‘I said it was a waste of time. Shows how much I know.’ Murray gave a laugh that was rough and grating.
‘He’s a hero,’ Nina said gently. ‘I heard one of the paramedics say that if it wasn’t for him … Well, they may not have got here in time.’
Murray looked at her then, and something in his eyes seemed odd. Different. As if he was a stranger. Before she could react, he smiled and was back to being Murray again. ‘He is a hero,’ he agreed, his hand squeezing hers so tight it hurt.
Once Angela was stabilised, the ambulance began its return journey to the hospital. The family followed. Nina had tried to bail out, saying she would be in the way, but Jude wouldn’t hear of it. Shaken, wild-eyed, he’d insisted she get in the car with him, and she couldn’t say no. Not when he needed her. He might be a hero, but he was still Jude, the man she loved. In the waiting room, he clung to her hand, his knee jiggling, while Murray sat across from them, staring into space, and sometimes at Nina. Mandy sobbed on Colin’s chest, until she eventually fell asleep. Lis’s mother had come to collect her, and despite her protests, the girl had been led away. As the wait continued, Nina went in search of teas and coffees, and packets of plastic-wrapped sandwiches. They didn’t want them, but at least it made her feel useful.
When finally the doctor came to speak to them, Mandy was awake again. It was the moment they had been waiting for and dreading at the same time, but the news was far better than they had hoped. Angela was resting comfortably, although she would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon. Two members of her family could visit her right now, and the rest would have to come back in the morning. By then, they should know a lot more about her condition, and the specialist would be available to talk about her ongoing treatment. But the consensus was that Angela had had an extremely lucky escape.
The relief in the room was palpable. Nina squeezed Jude’s hand. He bent his head and kissed her temple, eyes tightly shut. ‘Thank God,’ he whispered against her skin. Then he had let her go, and was exchanging hugs with the others.
It was decided that Mandy and Jude would be the two to go into the room and see their mother. Colin had his car and would wait at the hospital until the siblings were ready to come home. On the way, he wanted to call into his office and get some of the files he needed for tomorrow—he had already decided he’d be working at home until they knew more about Angela. Jude and Mandy would stay at Colin’s place to avoid the drive back to Bruny. Murray would take Nina to the beach house in Jude’s car. Jude had asked her to sort out some of Angela’s clothes and personal items, and she could bring them to the hospital in the morning.
After more hugs and a few tears, of relief this time, they all went their separate ways.
It was quiet in the car on the drive to Dennes Point. Nina felt Murray glancing across at her as he drove, but she was too tired to make conversation. There was no one else on the vehicular ferry, and by the time they docked on Bruny, her body was craving sleep. She could hardly keep her eyes open. When they arrived at the house, the place was still lit up. No one had thought to turn off the lights when they left for the hospital. Wearily, Nina waited for Murray to unlock the door and then followed him inside. Unfortunately, that was when he seemed to get his second wind.
‘I’ll make us some toasties,’ he said, striding into the kitchen. ‘Come on, sit down, Nina.’ Next thing she knew, he was pouring them both a glass of wine.
Murray wouldn’t stop talking. There was a glitter in his eyes and a manic edge to his laughter. The Murray she knew was self-contained, although there were times when he got a little overexcited, but didn’t everyone? Right now, it was as if that overexcited version had taken over. Understandable, she supposed, after what had happened, but she would have preferred him to crash and sleep it off. Instead the wine kept coming, and she felt obliged to sit with him, and listen, even after she had refused to let him refill her glass.
His words washed over her while she tried to make sense of them. He told her about Colin’s plans for his future career, how he never did anything for nothing, and that he wanted Murray to repay the money he’d spent on the Rawlinses’ education by lifting the profile of his practice and becoming a QC. Colin hadn’t made it that far in his own career, although it wasn’t from lack of trying, but Murray showed a great deal of promise. And once Murray reached those dizzy heights, then Colin would partake of the glory.
‘It’s my father’s fault,’ he said sullenly. ‘If he had kept it in his pants and not run off with that tart, we wouldn’t have had to ask Colin for help. He was furious with his brother, said he had an obligation to fulfil, but Colin doesn’t do anything for nothing,’ he repeated. ‘Now we’re in hock to him. He wants his pound of flesh. My flesh.’
Murray told her how the thought of what lay ahead made him want to run into the sea and just keep swimming towards the horizon. That the pressure Colin was already putting on him was like a monster wave, pulling him under. Surprised by his desperation, Nina tried to think of a solution.
‘Can’t you tell him you will work for him for a certain length of time? Until you pay him back. Wouldn’t he accept that?’
Murray snorted a bitter laugh. ‘He won’t accept anything but complete capitulation. I never wanted to be a barrister, anyway. Wearing a suit and tie makes me feel like I’m choking. I tried to pretend I could do it, I told myself I could, that I had to, but this summer’s made me see just how much I’m going to hate it.’
‘What would you do, then, if you could change things?’
He laughed. ‘I want to travel the world and surf on all the famous beaches. I could pick up jobs to pay my way, enough to make ends meet. I don’t need much. I want to be free. I can’t handle the sort of responsibility Colin is laying on me. I don’t want to be the sacrificial lamb. I don’t want all of those expectations weighing me down. I was going to tell Uncle Colin this summer, I was building up my courage, but now with Mum sick … How can I? There’s no chance of escape. I can feel the noose around my neck tightening, Nina. I can’t breathe!’
‘Tell them,’ she said, hearing her voice slurring. ‘Tell them, Murray, before it’s too late. Jude will—’
‘Understand?’ he mocked. At some point she had reached out her hand to him, and now his grip was making her fingers numb. ‘Jude the hero. Jude the one everyone loves. He doesn’t want the responsibility, either. Do you really think he’s going to step in and take my place?’
‘They love you, too,’ she protested, but she knew he was right. Jude didn’t want Colin’s ambitions weighing him down.
‘Jude’s a lucky bastard,’ Murray spat.
‘Do you really think he won’t listen to you if you tell him how you feel? You can face Colin together, explain …’
Wildly, he shook his head at her. ‘You don’t understand, do you? You’ve never had to shelve your dreams. Nina, spoilt little girl, not a care in the world. Jude’s crazy about you, do you know that? He gets the job he wants as well as the girl. Hardly seems fair, does it?’
The way he was looking at her wasn’t the Murray she knew. This stranger with his hate-filled eyes. Nina stood up, stumbling, and clung on to the chair back. ‘I’m going to bed,’ she said in a voice that struggled to be calm. ‘You should too. If you’re not going to follow the script, if you’re going to tell them what you really want to do with your life, then you need to be sober. I’ll help. Jude and I will stand by you.’
He laughed roughly, in a way that was close to screaming, or crying. She felt so sorry for him then, and almost stayed, but she was drunk and tired, so she made her way to bed.
Sleep took her under quickly, but it was the sort of restless sleep that came with too much alcohol. She tossed and turned, reliving all that had happened, before finally falling into a more comfortable state. It must have been nearly dawn when she woke. Suddenly. The light was just creeping through the curtains. And she knew something was very wrong.
Murray’s face was really close to hers, and his heavy weight was on top of her. She was naked and so was he, his sweaty skin sticking to hers, the smell of sour wine strong enough to make her want to vomit. Then came the shocking realisation that he wasn’t just on top of her, he was inside her, pushing and grunting, and she was pinned down, held, unable to stop him. Unable to do a thing.
She must have told him to stop. She must have struggled and told him to get off. Afterwards, she could never remember clearly. The next thing she knew for certain was that he was standing by the bed, Jude’s bed, and staring down at her.
‘I’ll follow the script,’ he said. His bare chest was rising and falling heavily, sweat standing out on a face that looked pallid and greenish in the dawn light. ‘I’ll let Jude go off and do his thing. But I deserved this, Nina. I’ve always wanted you and he owes me.’
Nina couldn’t speak; she wasn’t sure she was capable of it.
Murray had his back to her. ‘I need to get Mum’s stuff to take to the hospital,’ he said. ‘I don’t expect you to come with me.’ And he walked away.
Nina wasn’t sure how long she lay there. Eventually she got up, her body hurting, tears long since dried on her cheeks. She was violently sick, retching even when there was nothing left in her stomach, and then took a shower and dressed. It was as if she was caught in a nightmare. How could the man she had thought of as a friend, the brother of the man she loved, have raped her?
What did he expect her to do? Put it behind her? What had he said? He owes me. As if Jude would be okay with it, would turn a blind eye if it meant he could carry on with his own dreams while Murray set his aside for the good of the family.
She knew she should call the police, but the thought of telling them what had happened, of reliving it, of being poked and prodded … No, she couldn’t. Not yet. She just wanted to go home and lock herself in her room and sleep and pretend it never happened. Later, she thought. She’d think about what to do later.
The taxi finally arrived and she climbed in and closed her eyes. Perhaps it had been a dream and when she woke up everything would be all right. Jude would be waiting for her and they could carry on with their lives. Carry on with their happy-ever-after.