May 2020, Benevolence Day Three
Nina and Jude made their way across the top of the island towards Birds Nest. The weather had changed, a fog rolling in over the island bringing with it cold, dripping rain. The tussocky grass was now so long it made the track they were following almost invisible. Mowing it was to have been part of their maintenance work, but Nina wasn’t even certain that was going to happen now. She wasn’t certain of anything.
Kyle needed to know what was going on, but there was no way to contact him. Was he expecting her to call? It was probably too soon.
Jude strode in front of her, using a sturdy stick he’d found to knock aside the grass. Nina reminded herself that there were no venomous snakes on Benevolence, which was one good thing about the place. Although right now, she wasn’t sure what was worse, a tiger snake or Murray Rawlins.
When they’d returned to the camp with Lis, to fill the others in on their news, Paul had been furious. He knew what Murray had done to her, and she could see that he’d like nothing better than to tear the man in two. Before she and Jude set off to look for Murray and Elle, Nina had persuaded him to stay at the campsite and keep an eye on things. He was the best person to protect the others, she reminded him, and Jude was Murray’s brother. He would hardly hurt him, even if he was flying high on whatever cocktail of drugs he might have taken.
She wasn’t sure if she really believed it. She wasn’t sure Paul did either, but he took his role seriously and reluctantly agreed. Brian was continuing to work on the cottages, muttering about it being pointless to down tools and sit around, wringing their hands, when there was still so much to do.
Nina had agreed. The younger members of her team needed to be kept occupied. After Brian had led them away, she, Paul, Jude and Lis had had an intense conversation.
‘If Elle is involved, then she could have taken the key to the hut,’ Paul said. ‘She was sharing a room with Nina and Nina had a copy. Easy for Elle to steal the key, deal with the satellite phone and put it back. You were pretty out of it at night.’
Nina wanted to argue, but she knew it was true. She avoided Jude’s quick frown, adding, ‘And Murray could have broken into the toolshed. We don’t know when that happened.’
‘He must have the original key to the lighthouse,’ Jude said. ‘That was stolen on the last visit by Island Heritage, so he must have already been here then.’
‘He was the man seen running away by the caretakers,’ Nina surmised. ‘I wonder how long he’s been coming here?’
‘Six months at least,’ Jude replied grimly. ‘That was when Lis saw them together in the library.’
‘He could have been working for some of the Mister Bigs,’ Lis said. ‘He owed them so much he had to do whatever they asked. This island is probably a safe place to transfer drugs, guns, whatever else they’re into. I think they enjoyed telling him what to do, making him their errand boy. Murray Rawlins, big-time barrister, bowing and scraping.’ She looked pale, subdued, lacking her usual combative air. ‘He told me some of it, and I found out the rest. He left me alone in his apartment one day and I went through his stuff.’ She lifted her chin, refusing to be embarrassed. ‘I know that was wrong, but I wanted to help him.’
Nina found she could understand that. She could even sympathise.
They stood in a huddle, coming to grips with the situation. Then Jude shook his head in disgust. ‘I’d like to say I understood his thinking, but I don’t. I don’t even know who he is anymore.’
Nina had surprised herself by reaching out and giving his arm a squeeze.
They had been walking now for forty-five minutes. Nina bent her head against the gusting wind, eyes narrowed as she followed Jude’s boots along the almost invisible track to the west of the island. They hadn’t said much so far, both deep in their own thoughts, and Nina was grateful he hadn’t asked her any questions about her flashback, although she knew he would. Right now, they just needed to find out what had happened to the drone. And Elle.
Jude’s boots stopped, and then turned around to face her. Nina lifted her head. His dark hair was a wild mess and there was rain trickling down his face. His dark eyes were on hers.
‘Do you think Murray’s already found the sapphire?’ he said. ‘I mean, he’s had plenty of time.’
‘If he had found it, you’d think he’d be gone. Maybe he’s still searching. Is Captain Roberts’ grave marked? How does he know which one it is?’
‘Good point.’ He blew on his hands to warm them. ‘I can’t remember seeing any plans for the cemetery. Has he been digging up every grave? Christ.’ He shook his head, and then looked over his shoulder and pointed. ‘Birds Nest Island,’ he said.
The weather had closed in so much since their walk began that she couldn’t see the island, just a darker shadow in the fog. A few sharp drops of rain fell, striking their jackets with a rattle. It was colder now, too, the sky a gloomy mass of grey, pressing down on their heads.
Was this weather good for Murray? If he was planning to get back on board the yacht and sail off, then the fog would hamper him, but if he was still on the island then he could stay hidden.
More rain fell around them and Jude yelled, ‘Come on!’ and grabbed her hand. His fingers were strong and warm and she clung to them as he tugged her along after him. The ground beneath them was getting wet and slippery, and he stopped well back from the cliff edge and turned around.
‘I think we saw Elle over this way.’
‘Jude, she’s probably long gone.’
‘Maybe. I want to find the drone,’ he said. ‘It was around here when it went down. Shouldn’t be too hard to see.’
It took fifty long miserable minutes before Nina spotted the machine, upended in a straggly bush. When he reached in and lifted it out, the cause of the crash became obvious. The body of the drone had a hole in it, the camera mangled, and there were blackened streaks across the fuselage.
‘Is that—’
‘Someone shot it out of the sky.’
‘Murray has another gun?’ Nina wasn’t sure why she should be shocked. He was involved with some dangerous people, so of course he would have more than one gun. All the same, the thought made her look nervously over her shoulder.
‘Stupid idiot.’ Jude said it to himself, anger and pain clear in his voice and expression.
‘Would he …? Do you think he would use it on any of us?’ Murray with a gun could only mean bad things for everyone. And for her, especially. After all these years of keeping her secret, she had a horrible feeling that he was going to enjoy threatening her, maybe even hurting her. She reminded herself she had friends here, people who would stand by her. Murray was only one man.
Jude was watching her face. ‘Let’s get under shelter,’ he said. ‘I don’t fancy walking back to camp in this.’
During their search for the drone, they’d found the ruins of what must once have been another hut. Time and the weather had left half a brick wall—the same bricks Brian was planning to use—and it offered some protection at least.
Jude settled along the ground, back close against the wall, and Nina sat beside him. It was dry here, but the rain still dripped onto them. With a grimace, he shrugged out of his jacket, and shuffling closer to her, he tucked it over both their heads, making a waterproof umbrella.
Nina could feel the warmth of his body through his clothes, the comfort of being close. This was Jude, she reminded herself, the man she had driven away and tried to keep at a distance for ten years. But they were past that. They had reached a new place, not the same one they had inhabited ten years ago—it never could be—but something new. The tentative beginnings of an understanding.
‘I don’t know what happened to Murray,’ Jude said after a moment. ‘I thought I knew him, but it turned out I didn’t. He resented doing what Colin wanted, I suppose, but I didn’t know that until it was too late. I wish he’d said something earlier.’
Was he really that blind? ‘Maybe you just didn’t want to listen.’
He looked at her with surprise and a touch of anger. ‘What does that mean?’
‘It means you were focused on your own future, which is fine. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. It’s normal. Come on, did you really want to step into his shoes? We were talking about sailing around the world, and next thing you’re wearing a suit and tie and working in Colin’s office? Marching to his very exacting drum? Was that something you would have agreed to without a fight?’
‘You know nothing about it.’ The fog gave his face a green tinge, and his dark eyes blazed. She was used to him being pissed off with her, but this was different. As if she had stepped into a space where she had no right to be. She remembered then how protective the Rawlinses were of each other. Cut one of them and the others bled.
‘He told me,’ she said, her voice scratchy. She wasn’t going to let him intimidate her, but she had never enjoyed confrontation, even less so these days.
Nina swallowed, knowing that she was circling the truth she had kept from him for so long. ‘He had dreams, Jude. He wanted to surf at all the famous beaches. He wanted to teach others to enjoy the waves. He wanted to earn just enough to keep moving from place to place. A free spirit. And suddenly, his future was decided for him and he felt trapped.’
She had had a lot of time to think about Murray’s state of mind. Not that it made her hate him any less, or want to forgive him, but understanding was part of forgiving herself. Over the years, she had learned that victims often did that, blamed themselves.
‘Unhappiness and discontent can be a dangerous combination. Eventually, he was either going to turn those feelings on himself, or on others.’
‘When did he tell you?’ The anger was gone from his voice, and other emotions had taken over. Pain and regret and guilt. She felt his warm breath on her freezing skin and concentrated on her own breathing. In and out, calming, deep breaths.
‘The night your mother collapsed. When you were at the hospital.’
‘Why are you telling me now, Nina? After all this time.’
‘I should have said something before,’ she conceded. ‘You don’t know how … That time was so confusing … I was in a bad place. But I should have told you what he said to me that night. I let myself be persuaded not to.’
Her mouth trembled, and a tear ran down her cheek. She wiped it away impatiently. As if she wasn’t damp enough from the rain.
He seemed to be thinking over her words. ‘Who persuaded you not to, Nina?’ And before she could answer, ‘What happened before at the cottage … When you … zoned out? Was that to do with Murray? Because it was after that night everything changed between us, and you would never talk to me about it, Nina.’
She glanced at him and found him staring back at her. There were the stirrings of understanding in his face. The beginnings of a shocked realisation that made her want to squirm and pull away, but there was also a sense of relief. If she could lay down this secret now, unwrap it in front of him, then perhaps she could begin to heal.
‘It’s called a flashback,’ she said at last, the words easier to say than she’d expected. ‘People who have experienced trauma get them. I was re-experiencing something that happened to me. Paul says I need to get help, he says I have a form of PTSD. He’s right, Jude. I’ve tried to keep all of this inside for so long, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.’
‘Nina,’ he whispered, and then reached to take her in his arms. When she stiffened, he said, ‘Is this all right? Sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t …’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It’s all right. You haven’t held me for a long time, and I just … It’s nice, Jude.’
She felt him chuckle. ‘It is nice. I missed you, Nina.’
She began to cry. ‘I missed you, too.’
He kissed her cheek. ‘I loved you. So much. You broke my heart.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘I think it’s I who should say that,’ he said, and she heard the shakiness in his voice. ‘I need you to tell me what happened. Will you do that? Please?’
She gave a shudder. ‘Yes. I want to.’
It took a while. Her voice dipped and wavered, strong at some points, dropping to a whisper at others. He listened in silence, his arms warm around her, his head bent to hers. At one point, she felt his tears splash against her skin and the sound of his sobs. When she was finished they wept together.
‘I just want to hold you, Nina. Is that all right?’ he murmured. ‘I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t know what to say. I don’t … I can’t …’
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘It’s all right, Jude.’
The fog began to shift around them, a strengthening breeze stirring the tendrils, and the world began to come back into focus. Nina closed her eyes. This was good. She let herself enjoy the closeness. Jude was on her side, and the amazing thing was, the thing she had not let herself remember all these years … He always had been.