Going to the gym is expensive. Because you eat more. But there is nothing like weight training so you have to go. Take me, for example, I’ve always been a skinny guy. Growing up, everyone was like, “You are so thin! Good for you!”. Good for me?! No way. Who likes to be as skinny as a rail, with no muscle mass and scoliosis to boot? I had to hold on to a brick in a storm to avoid flying away. This was unacceptable. What if I had to get naked with a chick and then all my bones stuck into her in weird places, or I had to do a snuggle session and she couldn’t find a nice nest of padding? This is the Plight of the Skinny Guy.

It’s not as easy as people think being a skinny guy. There have been books written about it. I mean let’s think about it. Skinny is equated to being weak and being weak is looked down upon by people who are strong. And when you are weak you want to be strong. Chicks dig dudes who are strong right? They at least like guys who are stronger than them.

How does a skinny guy really bulk up? Well, it’s not by body weight exercises, I can assure you that. It’s by lifting weights. Good old fashioned weight training. And it’s not by machines with weights either, it’s by free weights, by lifting them. And you need to keep lifting those free weights and when you get stronger you need to move up in weight, and it would cost an unreasonable amount to own all that equipment so you have to join a gym… Which costs a membership fee.

But that’s not why it’s expensive. No way Jose McIntire. Lifting weights makes you hungry, and you want more food, more protein in particular. And protein ain’t cheap. And when you get used to eating more then you want to eat even more than that. Once you start to see results eating becomes a mission, a source of pride. “Look how much I can eat bitch!” is a thought that just might go through your head or even come out of your mouth. When you out-eat a bigger guy you feel good. You may think “look who the real man is now! Look who’s the stronger eater!” and then you feel good about yourself. And why shouldn’t you? You have basically trained yourself to consume that much food, it wasn’t naturally occurring, you have worked hard to take down that half chicken, green beans, stuffing, cornbread, and salad and still actually feel good. All the working out is burning those extra calories and turning them into pure muscle mass. Or so you hope. Either way, enjoy your eating abilities if you are a skinny guy and be proud of your accomplishments.

Just like anything, it’s slow and steady that wins the race with lifting weights. Don’t spend too much time at the gym or you won’t go. Work out for like 45 minutes and peace out and you will find yourself wanting to go back the next day and not feeling burnt out. And try to work your legs, they are good for overall body growth. Obviously I should take my own advice. This advice is for the normal person though, not the proverbial gym rat.

What is a true gym rat for a guy? It’s a dude with huge arms and huge legs and ripped abs that wears a really tight white tank top or a certain kind of tank top that has a lot of room cut out for the arms, so that you can actually see their pecs and abs from a side view. I mean how ridiculous is that?? You can see a full frontal of the dude because he has an extra deep cut tank top going on. Like I want to see that?! Actually I do if the dude is actually ripped. That shit amazes me. Seriously. But the poser gym rat who is all fat and flab, and wearing that same deep cut tank top because they think they are strong, is not cool. These people should be dragged out into the street and shot. I do not respect that and I don’t want to see your flabby undisciplined body while I’m trying to work out. No thanks bro!

There is this joke on the tour bus that people always point out to me really buff guys that are walking or running by on the street. And I always point them out if I see them first. It’s especially fun to point them out to girls I am dating or hanging out with. It’s just amazing to see someone who has that much discipline to turn their body into an absolute crushing machine. I love that shit. Probably because I will never have that due to lack of discipline and the skinny hand I was dealt by the Gods above.

On the other hand, who loves a girl that has really big strong muscles? Not me. It intimidates me. I do love girls who are in great shape though, I feel like it is a reflection on their discipline. Like if they put their mind to it they could make me an unbelievable steak dinner. I actually don’t believe that but it’s fun to write chauvinist things occasionally, isn’t it?

You know what’s fun? Saying self-deprecating things in the mirror with your shirt off as a personal motivational tactic. My roommates and I used to do this in college. “You’re a fat pig!” you could say, or “You’re a skinny-fat sack of horse shit that was eaten by another horse and shit out by that horse too”. Things of that nature provide motivation. For your reference the term “skinny-fat” means that you are skinny in areas that should be muscular, like your arms and chest, but are fat in the stomach area. Skinny-fat. It’s a great descriptive term, add it to your vocabulary if it’s not already there.

Point of this section is: If you are skinny go to the gym and eat your face off. It’s money well spent.