I was thinking of starting a campaign to save water. It will be called the “No Courtesy Flush to Save Water Campaign”. A little known fact is the developing situation we are facing regarding water. Simply put we are running out of water on this planet. Not a good thing considering we are 70% water ourselves. I recently read an article that suggested that we might soon see water being traded on the markets as a scare resource. Does that scare the crap out of you? Well, it should. And if it literally does scare the crap out of you, then you should defecate into a toilet. And what does a toilet have in it? Yeah, you guessed it, WATER! So, as you can see, it comes full circle here. Now, first of all, there should be a lot less water in U.S. toilets in general. When I make trips over to Europe, in particular Germany, I notice that there is a lot less water in the toilets. This is a treat in 2 ways. First, you are wasting way less water. Second, there is a shelf-like part of the toilet with no water that you usually deposit your turd on. So you get to examine your turd in all its glory, sans water. It’s amazing and beautiful and nature at work all rolled into one awesome experience. The reason our toilets with all their water takes this experience away from us is way beyond me.

So now we got 2 things going here. One is a fundamental way our toilets are made. Please toilet makers, less water and more shelves so I can examine my stool! This is a great campaign idea but requires bureaucracy and corporations and rallies and cooperation among many other variables. This may take years, even decades. But what can you start doing now to save water, on your own, by yourself, immediately? You guessed it, eliminate the courtesy flush! First of all, who really needs a courtesy flush? Yeah, poop is smelly, that’s the name of the game. If you are going into a public bathroom, you are risking the chance that it might be smelly. Many animals mark their territory with the smell of their pee or excrement. They are proud of that smell. Why can’t we be the same? Be proud of your poopoo. Be proud of the smell. It’s an accomplishment to stink someone out of the bathroom. You are the alpha male or female if your poop can wreck someone’s nostrils enough to actually stink them out of the bathroom. That’s awesome! Face it, it rules. On the converse, it can almost be a challenge for you to withstand the smell and go on with your business despite a stinky neighbor, ‘extreme smelling’ if you will. And I will. You’ll get used to it and most likely grow to love it.

So how do we actually put this into practice? Well first off, if you’re reading this then make a pact to not courtesy flush anymore. Yeah, a courtesy flush it is a nice gesture, but it is killing our planet and causing the demise of our most precious resource. Second, we should start a website. Dontcourtesyflush.com. This will have all the info on how saving this water will help mankind and it will give tips on how to defer the naysayers and stand true to your stinky values. It will also give you tips on how to avoid a physical conflict when faced with an angry person in a restroom that doesn’t appreciate your smelly bowels. It will also teach you methods on how to work the situation when you have just stunk up a bathroom on a first date, or just stunk up your significant other’s parents’ bathroom on your first time over to their house, or at a corporate party, etc etc etc.

There are several ways to do this and I will name a few right now to ease all of your minds. #1) Apple Cinnamon Glade. Always have this in your house and if possible travel with it. This is the best smell ever to mask the smell of a tough crap. Believe me, my craps are smelly, real smelly. And I have tried several different things to mask the smell of my poopoo. The only one that consistently works is Apple Cinnamon Glade. Buy it. Stock up on it. Love it. Use it fearlessly. Most of the other brands and scents work for a little while but then your shit evolves and outgrows the mask of the good scent. You see, poop is smart and tricky and always moving forward. But Apple Cinnamon Glade is even more forward thinking. Here is how to effectively use it. First, before shitting, seal the door with a strip of the glade. Then defecate. Then seal the toilet with some Apple Cinnamon Glade (spray a little bit in and around the toilet). Wipe, ponder, flush. Then seal the toilet and door quickly again. Then wash hands, check out your hair, teeth, face, clothes combination in the mirror to make sure you are all good. Then spray a tiny bit more for good measure into the general air and walk out. The smell is strong but subtle, bold yet delicate, you won’t be disappointed. Don’t overdo it, but don’t be afraid to use it. It’s a great experience for all.

What else can you do if you don’t have Apple Cinnamon Glade? #2) Blame someone else. “Man this bathroom stinks! Who the hell was just in here?”. Now that’s a good thing to say in a public restroom and won’t get you too much scrutiny. Is it morally wrong? Maybe, but if you can avoid fisticuffs, it’s worth it. #3) Be truthful and explain the new no courtesy flush campaign. Have you ever heard the saying “honesty is the best policy”? Well sometimes it is, especially around hippies or Europeans. This is the best way to tell them why you are not flushing your stinky poop and it will spread the good word on the campaign. #4) Stand proud and protect your freedom to flush or not flush. Everybody poops and poop smells. Deal with it bitches. And then maybe you can sneak in a word or two about the campaign to explain to them that enduring your smell is actually saving the precious resource they know as water.

Soon, I have no doubt, the campaign will gather so much popularity that people won’t even confront you about not courtesy flushing. In fact, the courtesy flush will become a thing of the past. A national past time such as throwing away plastic and smoking unfiltered cigarettes. Let’s get green here babies and make some smelly poos that we can be proud of! And at the same time save some water for our children and our children’s children… please. Thank You.