I’ll tell you one thing, I am an extremely gifted lover. Well, even if I’m not, I will pretend to be for this particular segment. While I was working in accounting, I wrote a short little guide on how to be the optimal lover. I wrote it in the form of rules to follow and called it the NBOL, the Najarian Book of Love. I circulated this book through my old firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, via my good friend Kim Duca (now Kim Silva, as she married my good buddy Fernando Silva, who I was with when I blew it with Wyc Grousbeck). You see how this all fits together! I think I actually wrote some of the NBOL when I was working at General Catalyst (Venture Capital firm after I worked at PwC and right before State Radio). I can remember printing this out at General Catalyst and letting my co-workers read it. They thought it was good for a nice laugh and it started to gain a little popularity. It eventually got in the hands of an Indian alpha-male named Hemant Teneja. I actually just looked him up on the General Catalyst website and he has actually made partner. Congrats buddy! I’m sure he is nice and rich by now and is loving life.

Hemant was a great dude, a guy’s guy, someone who you would love to hang out with. He had the uncanny ability to pull all-nighters and come to work the next day like he got a full 8 hours of sleep and still perform at peak capacity. Quite an amazing character I tell you. A character for sure. He wasn’t afraid to throw me under the bus though when he had the NBOL in his hand. Hence the alpha male description previously noted.

The tale goes like this. As Hemant was reading the NBOL near my desk, a few people were standing around watching him read it for his reactions to the beautifully written literature. We were all having a grand old time. As Hemant is almost done with the NBOL, my direct boss, the 50 something year old Controller Frank Maher comes walking up to the group and says, “What’s so funny guys? What are you reading Hemant?”. Now, at this point, it is important to note that Frank is a typical accountant type, pretty straight laced, and I was definitely not intending to show him the NBOL! It is also important to note that Frank and I were in the accounting department, and so was Addison Marsh, who was my friend and accounting associate, and I think there was someone else who was an associate there too. Hemant, on the other hand, was decently high up in the firm, maybe in his early 30s, and was being prepped to be a partner. He was certainly not worried about anyone in our circle, even Frank. We were just Admin (accounting and finance department), and he was out there on the front lines. So when Frank asked what he was reading, and laughing about, he looked at Frank and said, “Here!” and handed him the NBOL. Awesome Hemant! Thanks so much buddy! I owe you one.

So I got a bit nervous on this one. Was Frank going to tell the CFO that I was writing inappropriate things during work hours and circulating it around the office? And, in addition, causing people to waste even more time by making them read a printed out version of it? This might not be the best thing for my ‘career development’. Well, I guess there’s nothing to do now but just wait and see what his reaction is.

So Frank skims the document, chuckles a little bit and says, “You know, in my day it was actually very cool to not shave. Wow, have the times changed!”. In addition to my sigh of relief, we all started laughing and have a good laugh with Frank before he returns to his office. You see, writing about love can only spread more love! I don’t even know why I was worried! So… now… without further adieu… here is the NBOL in all its glory, exactly how it was written and punctuated as of January 16th, 2006:

Volume #1, Three most important rules from the NBOL

Below I have outlined three of the most important rules from the NBOL (Najarian Book of Love). These three rules can be remembered by the mnemonic LCS (Frequent I Love yous, Frequent Compliments, and Surprise gifts).

1. Frequent I Love yous (this seemingly simple task is very, very important especially while busting… this trains one to associate the ultimate pleasure of busting with the love of your life).

Try it next time you are making love with your lover, you will feel a rush of passion.

2. Frequent Compliments over seemingly unimportant quirks (this will show that you take an interest in even the most mundane qualities of your lover).

It is important to note that as you compliment unimportant quirks, this does NOT excuse you from more common compliments like “you look nice tonight honey” or “you are so beautiful… I am so lucky!”(whispered into the ear of your lover during furious love making).

3. Surprise gifts (this is extremely important as it shows that you are thinking about your lover even when you are not together, showing that you are truly bonded in a spiritual sense).

Although, these three general rules provide a good framework for keeping your lover pleased, you should continually try to think outside the box and work tediously on your endless quest to keep your lover happy physically and mentally throughout your journey in the walk of life.

Volume #2, The Nitty Gritty

Below I have outlined three of the most important ‘Nitty Gritty’ rules that have come to make or break a lover in many instances. I have labeled these items ‘Nitty Gritty’ because they don’t often cross the mind of the male species. These three rules can be remembered by the mnemonic PPG (Pretend to care if your counterpart orgasms, have at least TWO Pillows, and Gold Bond Powder).

1. Pretend to care if your counterpart orgasms – Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. I know we have all heard the long standing joke: How do you know when a woman orgasms??? Answer: WHO CARES??!!! Very amusing. NO. NO. NO. Now this is all wrong. It is not acceptable to blow your load and then be satisfied and start to talk about sports, smoke a cigarette, or just fall asleep in a love drunken haze. Not acceptable at all. You should utter words like this, “Did you cum baby?” or “If you didn’t cum I really want to know because I want you to feel as happy as you make me feel”. Now it is advised but not required to utter things like this during love making, “I really want you to cum, please cum baby, I love you so much” or “I think I might go soon, are you close?”. If your lover answers that she has not cum or is not close, you pretend to be upset, very, very upset. You might even consider slowing down your own orgasm process to try and ‘wait’ for her. Through frequent conversation, communication, and diligent and unselfish actions, the goal would be to cum together for a ‘double whammy’. The more frequently you can achieve this, the happier and more satisfied your lover will become, avoiding many unforeseen problems down the road.

2. Have at least TWO Pillows on your bed at ALL times. Now your bed is your primary love making spot, unless you are a kinky freak, but nonetheless you usually sleep and make love in this very important spot. So don’t cut corners, think of it as an investment. When searching for that perfect pillow, buy TWO of them, when searching for the perfect sheets, buy a high thread count, when picking out that perfect foam mattress, buy Simmons Beauty Rest, when picking out that comforter, consult with your lover on her favorite style, and always buy the actual bed based on comfort, NOT on price. Price should never be a factor when determining the décor for your bed. Yeah you want to save a couple of bucks, but do you want to gain a couple bangs?? If you are talking about getting the most bang for your buck then you must be talking about quality bedding. In essence the more comfortable she is in your bed, the more likely she is to take her clothes off and do dirty things to you.

3. Gold Bond Powder – Now this one is simple. Use it. Use it on your scrotum, use it on your grundle (but be careful to not let any slip into your anal crevice as this is not only painful but damaging to that region). No girl likes a sweaty, smelly scrotum, what is wrong with you? Dry that shit up and she will concentrate more on giving you great head than on how smelly and sweaty your area is.

Follow these simple rules gentlemen and your lover will not only be impressed but will fall deeper and deeper in love with you, possibly to the point of no return…