Apparently I like to wear “Dad Jeans”. What are “Dad Jeans” you may ask? Well, I guess they are jeans that are a bit baggy and don’t form fit to the leg as a more hip skinny jean would. The first time I was accused of this was by an enraged Jessica Chandler Fay, Chuck Fay’s wife. I had probably said something to annoy her, as that is easy and fun to do, and she fired back at me with insults. This particular time she fired back with, “at least my husband doesn’t wear hideous ’Dad Jeans’!”. “What?” I replied. “Those hideous Dad Jeans you are wearing and those awful corduroys you always wear. They make you look like you are 50 years old and have no sense of style. They are baggy and gross and plain and boring”. “Okay, sorry I don’t like to wear hipster, tight fitting jeans that show off every detail of my legs. I’m not from LA,” I said in return. But here was a fundamental difference in the way that I carried myself.

I am in a band, I am a professional musician. You would think that this would give me the freedom to dress and look the way I want to. I mean you think of your favorite musicians as having total freedom because they dress so damn funky. Which makes you think they are totally free to dress how they please. So they should respect your style no matter what? Not totally correct. Just as inappropriate as it is to have long gnarly hair and a long shaggy beard in Corporate America is as inappropriate as it is to be totally clean cut in Music America. Musicians tend to look down upon this, and it definitely cuts down on your street cred in the industry. I mean when I joined State Radio I was strongly encouraged to grow my hair long and have a beard. My wardrobe was also revamped by the band slowly giving me new clothes they purchased for me. It was to “help the band’s image”. And for me, free clothes, hell yeah I’ll wear them!

However, I soon realized that the cons outweigh the pros when it comes to dressing and keeping your hair in an outlandish way. (See Chapter on Band Terrorists for reference). Number 1, it is a pain in the ass to have long hair. My hair is especially thick and poofy and it looks really silly (like a 50 year old Jewish mother) when it is grown out and I don’t put product in it to keep it flat. And on the converse when I put product in it I look like I could be in the mafia and might possibly be out to “wack” somebody. In addition, it is always flying in my face and clogging the drain in the shower, and shedding on my pillow. My hair gets all greasy and causes me to break out on my face. It is just inconvenient and not fun for me. Number 2, I have really skinny legs and hate wearing tight pants. They show off my chicken legs, they chafe me, and they are quite restrictive on my special area. In addition, wearing funky clothes might be cool when you are a teenager, but I am 31 years old, and don’t desire to stand out by wearing weird outfits. I just don’t feel the need.

It is also inconvenient in many other practical ways to dress and look funky. Yeah, you look cool on stage (I guess) but this is only 1 hour out of a very long day. Does dressing and looking funky get you laid more? Is that the silver lining? I would say NO. You might get those crazy groupie chicks, or girls who like “guys who are in bands”, but you alienate yourself from the preppy girls who prefer nice tight hygiene. And I like girls who like and display hygiene. In general, I feel as if dressing and looking funky attracts attention to you. So if you like attention you should aspire to get crazy.

Think about this, you walk into a convenience store on a Wednesday at say 2PM in Indiana or something, and you are all tired and grungy from the tour. Now in one scenario you have shaggy greasy hair and are dressed in funky band clothing. You walk into the store. Does this attract attention? YES! The store manager is thinking, “who is this bum? Does this person have a job? What a scrub! This dude is probably poor, is a punk, and probably will steal from me!”. Believe me, I’ve been there. As much as people say, “don’t judge a book by its cover”, people definitely do. It’s a pain in the ass to always stand out, to always have people looking and judging you by the way you look. It doesn’t really prove a point, it just gets you attention, and in my case its unwanted attention. I mean I can walk through the crowd at my own show and not be recognized. Chuck has a tougher time with this, and it’s almost impossible for Chad. Part of this is probably because I am behind the drum kit. But another piece to the puzzle is that Chad and Chuck have a very distinct look about them, they dress a bit off beat, wear funky sunglasses and jackets and the such, and Chad has that unmistakable rat’s nest on his head (I mean this in the most endearing way possible).

So my verdict is that it is just easier and more convenient to look semi “normal”. And I don’t mind it, I actually kind of prefer it. Although I do usually have some kind of facial hair going to give me a little bit of an edge, right? And I don’t dress preppy or anything, I wear flannel! I would say I am definitely a hybrid. Try not to hate me because I am not 100% funky fresh, please people, I am just trying my best to fit in…