The day, one that should have been filled with pleasure, ground on relentlessly. Millie thought it would never end.
The afternoon tea party segued into the evening celebrations. Biddy and Arthur and their friends said their farewells, saying how much everyone had enjoyed themselves and wasn’t it good to have some old-fashioned dancing for a change.
Arthur’s parting shot was a suggestion that it should become a regular event, one for which maybe she should think about charging. ‘It’s been wonderful, my dear. What a new start for Millie Vanilla’s! Enjoy your fireworks,’ he added, as he kissed her goodbye. ‘Dennis knows what he’s doing; he’ll put on a rare old show.’
Millie watched him as he led off an excited Trevor. Arthur was looking after him for the night as the dog hated fireworks. She felt oddly forlorn and vulnerable without Trevor at her side.
Zoe and Clare stayed on to help and were joined by Tessa, who brought Sean and Ken. They rearranged the chairs and tables on the terrace, this time in romantic twosomes. They added candles, Love Heart sweets and roses in bud vases and tied-on heart-shaped pink balloons. It made the café look very different. Sean changed the music to something more contemporary and the transformation from tea dance to Valentine’s party was complete. As dusk fell and the sea became an indigo backdrop, the candle-lit tables looked impossibly romantic.
The headache that had been niggling at the edge of her brain all day, intensified. As the thump of Rihanna started up, Millie wasn’t sure she didn’t prefer the dance tunes of earlier. Gritting her teeth, she forced herself to enjoy what was turning out to be a hugely successful day for Millie Vanilla’s.
Gradually couples arrived. They began dancing, sat entwined over glasses of fruit punch or lolled on the hay bales in the secretive darkness of the beach.
Millie, having served the food and drink and reassured herself everyone was having a good time, found a quiet spot on the wall and sat down. Her exhaustion made everything seem as if it was happening a long, long way away.
‘This is a bit of alright.’ It was Tessa. She sat down beside Millie and put an arm around her. ‘Lucky the weather held. Could almost pretend it’s May. Well done, kiddo.’ She peered closer. ‘You okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ Millie lied. ‘And thanks, it’s going well, isn’t it? I was a bit worried we’d get gate-crashers, but George Small is doing a great job as a bouncer.’ They looked to where the burly farmer’s son was standing guard.
‘Take a tank to get past him,’ Tessa giggled.
Then Millie spotted Jed. Striding along under the white lights of the promenade. That easy, confident gait. As if he owned the world.
He came up to them. Tessa took one look at Millie’s face and said, ‘I’ll be over there if you need me, kiddo.’ Then, with rare tact, she melted away.
‘Millie, my darling!’
She let him pick her up, twirl her around. She even let him kiss her.
‘The place is looking marvellous. You’ve made it look marvellous. And I hear the tea dance went well. I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it. Ma wanted to discuss the house she’s thinking of buying. It’s pretty cool, actually. In Lyme, just up the hill, fantastic sea views, swimming pool. She’s quite keen on it. I can’t wait to show it off and introduce you to her. She’s going to love you. I love you, my Millie Fudge. My darling girl.’
His eyes were sparkling, his face aglow with excitement. When she didn’t respond he quietened.
‘Is everything okay? Is there a problem with the party?’
He caught her hands to his chest; she could feel his heart beating. Regularly. Not the jumping-about, dancing-all-over-the-place rhythm that hers was doing.
Loosening his grip, she took a deep, shuddering breath. Everything over the last few hours had been building up to this moment. To this confrontation. Looking into his concerned eyes she thought she’d never been more angry with anyone. Not even with her parents for dying so needlessly and leaving her all alone. She wasn’t going to blurt it out, but couldn’t help herself. She’d been bottling it all up for too long. Before she knew it the words came tumbling out. ‘When were you going to tell me, Jed?’
‘Tell you what, my love?’
‘That your real name is Jeremy Fitzroy-Henville and that you’ve been working as a management consultant for the Blue Elephant chain of cafés. The company which opened a branch in my home town and threatened to put me out of business. Might still close me down.’
Jed’s face tightened. A beat pulsed in his throat. He pulled his thumb into his temple, massaging it. ‘Who told you?’ he whispered, barely audible over the thump of the bass. He didn’t look at her.
Millie laughed, but there was no humour or warmth there. ‘Tessa told me she saw you go into a meeting at Blue Elephant. So I looked you up. Good old internet, eh? It comes in handy when your lover has lied to you.’
She turned away and looked out to the black sea, screwing her nails into her palms to stop herself crying. She was so damn furious with him.
‘Millie?’ Jed caught her by the arm.
‘Get your hands off me!’ she spat.
He dropped his hand and it hung limply against his side. ‘Millie, whatever I’ve done, I’ve never lied to you.’
‘How can you say that!’ She turned on him, eyes ablaze.
‘Because it’s true. I never lied. I told you I worked as a management consultant.’
‘Oh yes, you told me that.’ Millie’s voice was bitter. ‘You just happened to forget to mention one of your biggest clients! And,’ she added, ‘Jed Henville isn’t your name!’
‘It’s the one I go by. Jed’s been a nickname since I was at school. I drop the double-barrelled surname as it’s such a mouthful. I haven’t lied to you about that,’ he insisted, ‘Jed Henville is my name.’
Millie stamped her foot, forcing the zillion things that were rushing crazily around her head to steady. She needed to think rationally. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you work for Blue Elephant?’
‘Because I don’t, Millie.’ Jed’s voice was rich with frustration. ‘I was asked in as a consultant. I don’t work directly for the café chain.’
‘It’s the same thing, Jed,’ Millie shouted. She jabbed a hand into her chest. ‘To me it’s the same thing. You’re in the enemy camp. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Then her eyes went big with horror. ‘Was it part of some plan? Pick the brains of the competitor, distract them with flowery words and big gestures? That night in the pub. All those questions you asked! Has this all been a big joke to you? Have I meant so little to you? Oh, my God, do you actually even love me?’
‘Millie,’ Jed paled under his tan. ‘You mean the world to me!’ He thrust a hand through his hair. ‘I know,’ he whispered, ‘it’s all such a mess.’ His face crumpled as if in realisation of what he might lose. ‘But you must understand I love you. More than I can say. More than you’ll ever know.’ He shrugged helplessly. ‘That day we met in Lyme. I’d just got the call. They knew I was in the area – I really have been house-hunting for my mother, I promise. I tried to get out of it, but I’d done some work for one of their American cafés and I still had to fulfil my contract.’ He gazed at her. ‘They insisted I do the work, Millie, otherwise they threatened to withhold my fee.’
‘I might have known it would come down to money with you!’ Millie interrupted.
‘Let me finish. That’s not what I meant.’
‘I don’t want to hear it.’ Millie put her hands on her ears.
He gave a gutsy sigh. ‘Then hear this. You don’t know how much I’ve hated myself, not being able to tell you.’
‘Then why didn’t you tell me, Jed?’ she snarled. She directed him to a quieter corner of the terrace, away from Tessa’s watchful gaze. Most of the couples were dancing on the beach by now. A stiffer sea breeze had got up. It made the Valentine’s balloons jerk on their ribbons and the candles flicker wildly. The cheap romance of it all seemed, to Millie, to mock their argument.
‘I don’t know!’ Jed was shouting with frustration now. ‘I was clutching at straws, at anything to keep us together.’ He took a deep breath, got himself under control and went on more calmly. He took her hands and drew her closer and, despite herself, Millie craved his touch. ‘God, I tried to tell you. I wanted to. I so nearly did. But then I had to sit in on a few meetings in the Berecombe branch and I was put in a really awkward position. I wanted to tell you, Millie,’ he repeated, ‘but by then it was too late because I’d fallen in love with you. I love you so much, Millie. And I knew the moment I told you the truth, I’d lose you.’
‘And you have, Jed.’ Tears streamed down Millie’s face. The anger had gone, she was too hollowed out by the emotion to sustain it. It was replaced by a deep, weary sadness. She gulped, unable to go on for a moment. ‘Because I’m not sure I can ever trust you again.’
Jed nodded. He brushed a hand over his eyes. ‘Jeez, Millie, he said on a breath. ‘I’ve fucked this up, haven’t I? I’ve fucked it up good and proper. But you know I love you. Whatever else you think of me, believe that. And I’ll never ever stop loving you.’
He opened his arms and, after the briefest of hesitations, she flew into them. Desperate for his touch one more time.
‘Can’t we work this through?’ he said against her hair. ‘Can’t we talk about it?’
‘I love you, Jed. I don’t think I’ll ever not love you.’
They stood wrapped tight into one another, feeling the agony of what must happen next spike to and fro between them.
At last Millie tore herself away. Wiping her face, she said through thinned lips, ‘You’d better go.’
‘I can’t go. I can’t leave you.’ His shock was palpable.
‘You’ll have to, because even though I love you more than life itself, I can’t –’ tears bubbled up again and Millie fought for composure. ‘I can’t trust you and I can’t love you completely, not as I’d want to love a man, without trusting you. You’re not who I thought you were. And … and I just don’t know what else you’ve lied to me about.’
Even as she was saying it, Millie wondered what she was doing.
‘I’m not going to go. I’m not leaving you.’ He took her in his arms again. ‘I promise the only thing I didn’t tell you was that I was doing work for Blue Elephant.’
The name of the hated café on his lips made her shudder. And hardened her resolve. ‘Oh, Jed, don’t make this any more difficult than it already is.’ She forced the words out. ‘Whatever we’ve had, no matter how wonderful it was, was based on lies.’
‘I didn’t lie to you!’
‘No, perhaps you think you haven’t, Jed. Perhaps you haven’t lied explicitly, but you’ve lied by omission and that’s the same to me. It’s what I can’t live with.’
‘This is madness. Why can’t we start again?’ Jed broke away from her, his body rigid with anger.
Millie’s anger rose to meet his. ‘Based on what, Jed? Sex? Even you have to admit we’re two different people.’ She gestured to the party raging around them. ‘This is what I am. The café, Berecombe, my friends. You spend so much time travelling for work, you don’t even have a house to live in. However was that going to work? I’ll never be what you are. I’ll never fit in with your lifestyle.’
Jed stared at her in shock. ‘I’ve never wanted that from you. I’ve never even thought that way.’
‘Where do you spend Christmas, Jed?’
‘What? What the fuck has that got to do with anything?’
‘Where do you usually spend Christmas?’ Millie repeated.
Jed thrust a shaking hand through his hair. ‘It depends.’
‘Tell me.’
‘Dubai once. Cancun. Diving in Sharm before the troubles. St Lucia in Aunt Marina’s villa.’ He looked bewildered. ‘Tell me why this should matter.’
‘Not Devon, then?’
‘No, of course not. It’s nice to get some sun in December.’ He stopped at her look. Realising what he’d said. ‘Are you really throwing away what we have on the basis of where we spend Christmas?’
Millie stamped her foot again. He just wasn’t getting it. Hell, she wasn’t sure she was. Adele began singing in the background. The slow dances had started. The mournful notes smothered her. Millie felt she was drowning. She mustn’t weaken. Screwing up her eyes in an attempt to get her thoughts straight, she replied, ‘No, of course not. But it’s an example of how different we are, maybe of what we want. Look at your clothes. How much did that jacket cost?’
Jed looked down at his orange puffa coat. ‘I don’t know. Four, five hundred?’
‘The fact you don’t even know is enough. I buy my clothes in Hospice Care. It’s a charity shop,’ she went on when he looked blank. ‘We don’t fit, Jed,’ she said sadly. ‘We don’t fit together.’
His lips compressed into a hard white line. ‘That’s it, then. You’re throwing away what we have on the basis of clothes and holidays.’
Millie saw his colour rise.
‘That’s snobbishness, Millie.’ He spat the words out. ‘Inverted snobbishness.’
‘No, it’s just being realistic. How long do you think you’d be happy with what I can offer you?’
‘I’d hoped forever. I’d hoped I’d found home with you, Millie, but obviously that’s not good enough for you. I’m not enough for you.’
‘That’s not what I meant, Jed!’
‘No? That’s what it sounds like. You know, perhaps you’re right?’ He shook his head, suddenly defeated. ‘I don’t think you know me at all. You certainly don’t understand how much I love you. Well, perhaps you need to know this. I was prepared to give it all up for you. That meeting I went to in Paris? I told Blue Elephant I would no longer work with them. That they could sue me for breach of contract if they wanted. They were welcome to keep their fee. Happy now?’ He glared. ‘But maybe you’re right, maybe it’s time I went. I’d give up the world for you, Millie, but it still wouldn’t be enough. There might be a time we can discuss this rationally but now isn’t the moment.’
‘Jed?’ There was a beat before Millie realised no sound had actually come out of her mouth.
He came to her again and wrapped her in his arms. ‘We’re both too mixed up at the moment. Too much has been said.’ He tightened his hold. ‘Just remember this. I love you, Millie.’ Releasing her, he took her face in his hands and gave her one last hard kiss. His lips burned into hers. Tracing a shaking finger down her face, he added, ‘you’ll always mean home to me. Maybe, one day we might even begin to think about making a home together.’ He shook his head, sadly. ‘But not now.’
He turned on his heel before she could respond. As she watched him walk away, a part of her heart tore away and followed. Every particle of her being wanted to run to him. To hold him in her arms. To start again. His words were slowly sinking in. Was it possible, was it just possible that he was as kind, generous and honourable as he’d always seemed? And she’d thrown it all away. Thrown what they’d had away. What they might have had.
What had she done?
Jed paused at the end of the promenade and turned to face her. He stood, a tall shadow, silhouetted against the white lights and then walked around the corner and disappeared from view.
Tessa found her, minutes, or hours later – Millie couldn’t tell – and forced a small glass into her hand. ‘Illicit booze. Don’t tell the kids we’ve got alcohol. Thought you might need a drink, kiddo.’
Millie downed it in one. The whisky traced a fiery trail down her throat and made her choke. She realised she was shaking.
‘Better?’ Tessa slipped an arm through hers. ‘It’s been a fantastic night.’ She kept the tone conversational, as if knowing any hint of sympathy would worsen Millie’s distress. ‘And interesting news, Zoe’s just told me who paid for Daisy’s op. Lover boy Mr Hunk himself. Your Jed. Wasn’t that amazing of him? Maybe he’s not as bad as we thought?’ When Millie remained silent, she went on gently, ‘And spring is definitely in the air. Time for a new start, eh? Think the caff’s going to be a real winner. We’ll show that lot up at Blue Elephant!’
Millie couldn’t answer but put her head on Tessa’s shoulder. ‘Yes,’ she whispered, eventually. ‘A new start. Spring beginnings.’
She watched where Zoe and Sean were dancing close together, their feet hardly moving, their bodies as close as possible. She remembered Biddy and Arthur’s happy faces at the tea dance. Thought about how beautiful the refurbished café looked. How much they’d all achieved. But for her everything felt at an end. Spring beginnings? For the café, maybe. For her friends, undoubtedly. As far as she was concerned, she was certain she’d just said good-bye to the best thing she’d ever known.
‘You’re all in,’ Tessa said softly. ‘Come on. Let’s find you another drink and something to eat to soak it up. And then you can tell Auntie Tess all about it.’
As they began to move, the crowd whooped and sighed as the first of the fireworks erupted. It soared high above them, blasting the night sky into a vivid red and orange.
Millie watched it sear a dazzling trail over the sea. She imagined the hiss as it hit the inky water. She and Jed had been as spectacular, but they had turned to ashes just as fast.
She allowed herself to be led back into the café. Back to her home. She wasn’t sure she’d ever feel happy again.