“You broke my heart, Josie. All I wanted to do was be there for you and you pushed me away like I didn’t mean anything.”
“You mean the world to me, Nate. I was being stupid and emotional.”
“And what happens the next time you have a bad day? Would you do it again?”
“Never,” I promise.
He shakes his head no again. “I just don’t know, Josie. You brought me into your house and I got attached to Emma and you. I don’t want to go back and forth. If I’m here, I want to be here forever.”
I reach for his chest but he steps back. “I want you here forever, Nate.”
He takes another step back, putting even more distance between us. “I need some time to think about it. You did a number on me and I spent the last few days thinking about how not to let that happen again.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“You told me you wanted to be an independent woman and I don’t want to take that chance away from you,” he says, halfway back to the door.
I don’t know what to say to make him stay. Or if there even is anything I could say to stop the destruction from happening.
“I’m so sorry, Nate. Can you think about it and let us talk through this problem?”
He drops his head, staring at the carpet, and when he lifts it again, I see his answer. It’s written all over his face as clear as if the words were spelled out on his forehead in permanent ink.
“No.”
I nod. If I had something I could tell him, a promise I could make, I would. But just like I couldn’t save Lindsey’s relationship, I can’t save my own.
“I’ll call you in a few days,” Nate says as he stands in the doorway, half in my apartment and half out. And then without another world he turns and walks out. I watch him leave, his back tall and straight as he strides his way down the hallway never once looking back to see the pain written on my face.
In my grandmother’s house when I was growing up, she had an old rotary phone hanging on the wall. When I would spend weekends at her house and friends would call, I could lie on the floor with my feet kicked up on the wall dangling the cord around my fingers as we talked. I’ve never wished for a corded phone so much as when I’m on the phone with my mother.
It would give me something to do because if she hears me make any noise in the background of our conversation, she’ll assume she’s bothering me and then launch into the talk about how children these days can’t just enjoy a phone conversation. We always have to be doing something else. It’s less of a bother to just wander around aimlessly than try to use my time effectively.
“Did you hear me, Josie?” my mother asks, and I put down the magazine I’ve been mindlessly flipping through. If she’s going to ask difficult questions, I better pay attention.
“Of course, Mom. No, I don’t have a job yet it’s only been four days.”
“Well, you’d have more opportunities here.”
I stand from the table and walk a circle around Emma as she plays on the floor. “Yes, I realize there are more jobs in Bangor.”
“Our home is always open to you. It would be the smart place to figure out your life now, Josie.”
My left eye twitches and I slam the eyelid down to stop it in its tracks. We had this conversation so many times after the divorce. “No, Mom, I’m not moving back in with you and Dad.”
My brain isn’t even capable of processing the horror that would be. I made it through eighteen years of life with only small mental damage. I can’t do any more time in my mother’s house without risking further compromise.
“You don’t have to be all pissy about it. I’m just suggesting that we’re here if you need us. I can’t have one of my children living on the street. What would the girls say?”
I shake my head, sitting on the couch and then lying down with one foot propped up on the back portion. It’s not as good as the wall at my grandmother’s home where I used to sit for hours with a phone clutched to my ear talking to a classmate, but it will do. “I don’t know, Mother. What would the girls say?” I’m a long way from living on the streets. Mostly.
“Well now you’re just being unbearable.”
I make a mistake of lifting my left eyelid and it twitches again.
My phone beeps, so I hold it out from my ear to catch the small green bar at the top that flashes with an incoming call.
“Oh, Mom, I’ve got to go. Someone is calling and you never know. It could be a job interview.”
“Don’t you have call waiting on your cell phone?”
“Of course, but I have no idea how to use it.” I’ve never successfully switched between calls on my phone. Has anybody?
“Fine, take the call. But if it is the job, call me back right away and we can talk about interviewing techniques,” says the woman who’s never interviewed for a job in her life.
I sigh but agree, anything to get her off the phone.
The problem with my cell phone — besides the fact I barely know how to use it — is that when you switch over to a new call, you can’t see who it is. I hate not knowing who is on the phone. But I wasn’t lying when I said it could be a call for an interview. It can also be my ex or his girlfriend calling to give me an update on their situation, which I’d rather not hear, but I have to take the chance.
“Hello?” I ask, after hitting the green bar to accept the call.
There’s silence along with a smattering of static and then, “Josie?” Nate says. “Why do you sound weird?”
I sit up ramrod straight on the couch. This was not the phone call I expected. “Hey, I was talking to my mother on her line. I didn’t expect you to call.”
“Well, I said I’d call,” he replies, possibly a tinge of regret in his voice.
“Yes, but I didn’t imagine it right now.” I leave out the part where I add in “or ever.” A lot of guys say they’ll call but not many do.
“If Winnie comes over to sit with Emma for a few minutes, could you meet me in Pelican Bay?”
I pucker my lips while I stare at Emma playing on the ground and messing up her rainbow-colored blocks. “I guess. Is it important?”
I don’t want to go to Pelican Bay to spend time with another man who didn’t find me good enough. It’s one thing to make mistakes but another thing to have them lobbed at you all day long.
“Very important. I’ll meet you in the elementary school parking lot in twenty-five minutes. Okay?”
“Okay, but I need more time.” It’s a twenty-minute drive to Pelican Bay and I don’t even know if Winnie is at home, much less if she can watch Emma. I can’t just drop my child off on someone else in the blink of an eye.
Nate’s voice crackles. “It’s taken care of. I’ll see you then,” he finishes and then the line goes dead.
With the call disconnected, I release a huge breath of air, letting it run between my lips noisily. “I guess here goes nothing, Emma.” She doesn’t even look up to acknowledge the craziness of our current situation.
I haven’t even gotten off the couch when there’s a knock at the door and it slips open. “Josie, it’s me.”
Winnie takes a step into my apartment waving her hands. I don’t know when we moved from a friendly knock to a best friend door open, but surprisingly that’s the least of my worries today.
“Did Nate call you?” I ask suspiciously.
Winnie smiles, her lips pressed together, but I can tell she has a secret. “He may have suggested you would need some help with Emma, and you know how much I love Emma.”
“I don’t want to bother you.” She’s playing so well I could take her with me to Pelican Bay.
Winnie doesn’t listen and walks right past me to sit on the floor with Emma. “I love her. And besides, Huxley may come over later and I want him to have as much baby time as possible.”
My eyes narrow. “Does he need a lot of baby time?” Is Winnie expecting something she hasn’t told the rest of us?
Her face blushes. “No, but I’m trying to work him into the idea.”
“Uh-huh,” I say and nod.
Winnie checks her watch as if she’s wearing one, but she’s only staring at her naked wrist. “You better get going. You only have about twenty minutes and you need to be in Pelican Bay.”
“I can’t go like this,” I say, looking down at my pair of ripped jeans and a tight NIN concert T-shirt. When Nate sees me for the first time, I need to look glamorous as a real reminder of what he’s missing out on now that he’s not in our lives anymore. The problem is I don’t own any ball gowns, but I could look better in a pair of slacks and a nice black blouse. Maybe show a little cleavage.
Winnie shakes her head. “There’s no time. You look great. Just go for it.”
“Do you know what this is about?” I ask because it’s obvious she does.
Winnie smiles and then tries very hard not to smile by pressing her lips together. She says no, but I don’t believe it for a second. “I have no idea. He only called and asked if I would be willing to babysit for a few hours.”
“A few hours?” What could we possibly do in the parking lot of an elementary school for that long?
I don’t bother asking again because I don’t think she’ll answer.
“Fine…” I say, drawing it out like a teenager being asked to do the dishes.
The drive to Pelican Bay has never felt so long… and so short. I try not to obsess over why Nate could be making me meet him at an elementary school, but I can’t come up with anything. Maybe he plans to walk into the school gymnasium and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on me. At this point in my life anything is possible. At least Carrie had cool psychic powers.
My emotions while driving go from half expecting the worst and brief moments of joy to hoping he’ll pull an eighties movie reconciliation and show up with a boombox. But of the two of us, I should make the grand gestures. Even though they wouldn’t be enough to make up for what I’ve done.
Seeing Nate now will break my heart again. It hasn’t had a chance to heal from the last time. He’s already rejected me earlier this week. Why does he feel the need to crush me once more? Regardless of how I expect this meeting to go, I can’t trample the piece of my heart wishing this will be our chance to make up. A tiny piece of hope holds on that this time he’ll listen to my apology.
The parking lot is empty except for a single white four-door car at the far end. Everyone is gone over summer break, so it’s easy to spot Nate behind the wheel. I park my car next to his and turn it off, getting out when he leaves his car.
“Where’s the truck?” I ask after deciding it’s a harmless question, which won’t cause my heart to leap out of my chest in despair. Probably.
He doesn’t look right not driving his big oversized tires. Ones I swear are half the size my body.
He smiles. “Traded it in for this model.” He taps the white car on the trunk. “It’s going to take a bit to get used to.”
I nod but I’m never going get used to seeing Nate riding in the baby car. It’s just not right. He’s not a car person.
“Did you need help with something?” I ask, trying to get this meeting over with quicker than the few hours he told Winnie I’d need a babysitter. “I don’t want to keep Winnie babysitting too long.” Plus seeing him and being close is painful. He’s everything I could have had standing right in front of me, but yet he’s not mine and I can’t touch him. And it’s all my fault.
My self-loathing side kicks in and I want to ask him a million questions. Has he found someone new already? Does he miss me like I miss the hell out of him? Does he realize I’m sorry? Does he not care?
Nate shakes his head. “You know Winnie will watch Emma all day.”
“Yes,” I say putting a hand on my hip and trying to ward off his smile. “But I don’t want to make her.”
“Let’s take a walk,” he says, turning to the area behind him and walking onto the sidewalk.
I follow. “A walk? You want to walk?” Now?
“That’s what I said.” His steps are big but not because he walks quickly. Rather his long legs eat up space faster than my short ones do.
We hit the end of the sidewalk and Nate turns. “How are things going with Emma?”
“Fine…” I say, drawing the word out, but this time in a completely different way. I have no idea what we’re doing and I don’t like not knowing things.
Nate talks about how Spencer brought his dog into the office yesterday and she chewed up one of the office chairs. I wasn’t that impressed, considering I’ve heard stories of other things Spencer’s dog, Frankie, has eaten. But then he mentioned the chair was metal and I gained a newfound respect.
“Here we are,” Nate says, stopping in front of the house.
It’s a house I remember well, but I hadn’t realized we were headed in that direction.
“You brought me here?” So, it’s going to be a painful meeting then because standing right in before us is the beacon of everything I want in my life. Everything I want but can’t have. Nate has led me right to the adorable little yellow house I tried to buy — the one I wanted, but someone else purchased right out from under me.
It’s like I’m being featured on one of those “this is your life” shows, but it’s full of all the wonderful things I’ve lost out on.
I want to be angry, yell even, but I don’t have it in me. I’m too tired. Life has kicked me one too many times. Nate stands to the side, smiling at the house like an evil villain who gets pleasure out of seeing the despair of his enemy.
“You get this is the house I tried to buy. Right?” I ask without any humor. Is he so clueless?
He nods. “We should go see if there’s anyone inside,” he says, and the next thing I notice he’s standing on top of the porch with his hands on the door opening it.
“Nate!” I yell, walking after him. “Someone else bought this house.” I can’t believe he’s walking in without knocking. We’ll get arrested on trespassing charges. Damn, I really know how to pick the men I fall in love with. That’s for sure.
He spins, rounding on me after he passes through the front door. “Yeah, me.”