Human relationships are not always easy. From time to time, I’m sure you have come to a place where you would have agreed with Jean-Paul Sartre when he said, “Hell is other people.” That was certainly my reality for much of my life! But not long after I embarked on the spiritual path, I came to understand that “hell” was actually my reaction to my own perceptions of other people. That’s a very different frame, and it changed the whole dynamic, setting me on a path toward understanding relationships from an entirely new direction.
When you realize that what you’re reacting to is not so much other people themselves as your own mental projections of other people, then you can really let go of those reactions. In letting go of your reactions, you are freed from them, and in that freedom you are newly empowered. You may still be triggered by other people, but now you see that your triggers are just information reflected back to you by the mirror of your experience—information that can guide you on this path of discovery.
I’m not saying other people are imaginary or that by awakening you lose all discernment in relation to other people. Obviously there are times you don’t want to be with certain people, and it’s important to have healthy boundaries in certain situations. You shouldn’t remain in an unhealthy or damaging situation, for instance, just because it seems like it would be more accepting and “spiritual” to do so. But when it’s workable, your reactions can be grist for the mill, fuel for the fire of your transformation.
For the most part you can—without judgment and without blame—learn to work with your relationships with others as aspects of your relationship with yourself. In doing so, you facilitate the dissolution of the illusion of the other—and the illusion of yourself! You let go of all subject–object dynamics and move into a unified field of connection. That’s real relationship, where there’s love that is free of self and other.
In many spiritual teachings, particularly from the non-dual or Buddhist traditions, you’ll encounter the term “no-self” as a description of the fruition of the path. That may seem abstract, but it really just means the condition of no longer being identified. You still have a personality and personal preferences, but they’re not where you live anymore, not where your vibrancy is. You’re not contracted around that limited personal self anymore, and therefore no longer so defended. You’re just here! You’re just open. If two people can be in that open, undefended space together, what’s shared between them is the purest kind of love.
We crave that kind of connection, both as human beings and as spiritual beings. It’s in our nature to want to be unified, and in truth, that unity is our nature. Unity is not a willed, personal achievement; rather, it’s the openness and open-heartedness that is what remains when everything else drops away. That’s the relationship you’re working on with yourself and simultaneously working on with others.
So your relationships with other people can be helpful mirrors of what’s going on in yourself—what you’re wanting to control, or change, or push away, or what you’re wanting to hold on to or get. Use that material instead of just pushing it aside.
On a more personal level, a good relationship is one in which two people are able to communicate in such a way that they understand each other’s intentions. That can be challenging because we all have different ways of communicating, different shadings and idiosyncrasies in how we use language and other forms of communication. As a result there’s a lot of misunderstanding between people, and also a lot of projection—we tend to make assumptions about what people mean at times that aren’t necessarily based in reality.
That’s why a big part of the spiritual path is learning to identify and question our assumptions. We try not to assume we really understand what someone else means, or if we do, we learn to notice our assumptions and question them. We cultivate awareness of our own internal setup and how we reflexively interpret what we see in others. Anytime you can bring into the space of your own attention your own projection and your own set of meanings, you facilitate intimacy with yourself and with others.
So when interacting with another person, notice where you’re at. As the interaction proceeds, do you feel yourself becoming closer to that person, or further away? Feel and sense your body. Notice whether you become physically and energetically more open or more contracted, whether you’re available in the interaction or more pulled back and defended. This kind of real-time observation of yourself in relationship can be very, very powerful and instructive. You might call this spiritual practice in action.
As always, be gentle with yourself—very gentle. If you’re interacting with someone and find yourself contracting, no blame! That’s just what’s happening, just the natural movement of your emotional and bodily system, and that may even be an appropriate response depending on the situation.
Sometimes you may not want to relate to people at all. If that’s the case for you, then just notice that: “I want to hide; I don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to have to interact,” or even, “People bug the hell out of me!” On a human level, we all have limitations in relationship. Sometimes our limitations are irritating, of course, but as you deepen in this process, you learn to take care of them. You learn to accept yourself.
Love, even on a personal level, is 100 percent acceptance. That doesn’t mean you can’t have issues with how things are—that you can’t ask for what you need, or have expectations, resentments, disappointments, and all that. But to expect someone else to change or be different isn’t love. Love is when you can see and accept others in all their limitations, just as you see yourself in your own limitations. That’s why I emphasize so often the importance of giving yourself permission to be human—of accepting yourself just as you are, right now.