Customer: My kids are just climbing your bookshelves. That’s ok, isn’t it? They won’t topple over, will they?
Customer: It makes me sad that grown-up books don’t have pictures in them. You’re brought up with them when you’re younger, and then suddenly they’re all taken away!
Bookseller: Yes. It’s a cruel world.
Customer: These books are really stupid, aren’t they?
Bookseller: Which ones?
Customer: You know, the ones where animals, such as cats and mice, are best friends.
Bookseller: I suppose they’re not very realistic, but then that’s fiction.
Customer: They’re more than unrealistic; they’re really stupid.
Bookseller: Well, writers use that kind of thing to teach kids about accepting people different to themselves, you know?
Customer: Yeah, well, books shouldn’t pretend that different people get on like that, and that everything is “la de da” and wonderful, should they? Kids should learn that life’s a bitch, and the sooner the better.
Customer: I do find it odd that people manage to make a living out of writing books for kids. I’m sure any mother could do it.
Bookseller: Why don’t you try it yourself?
Customer: I always mean to, but I’m very busy right now with my pottery class.
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s one of these weird people who still likes the paper ones.
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have a book with a list of careers? I want to give my daughter some inspiration.
Bookseller: Ah, is she applying for college courses?
Customer: Oh no, not yet. She’s just over there. Sweetheart?
(a four-year-old girl comes over)
Customer: There you are. Now, you talk to the nice lady, and I’m going to find you a book on how to become a doctor or a scientist. What do you think about that?
(the girl says nothing)
Customer (to bookseller): Won’t be a sec.
(Customer wanders off into non-fiction)
Bookseller: So, what’s your name?
Child: Sarah.
Bookseller: Sarah? That’s a beautiful name.
Child: Thank you.
Bookseller: So, Sarah, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Child: … A bumblebee.
Bookseller: Excellent.
(Customer comes into the store with her five-year-old son)
Customer: Come on, Jason, take your shoes off.
Bookseller: It’s ok… you don’t have to take your shoes off to come into the bookstore.
Customer: Please don’t encourage him. I’m trying to train him to remember to take his shoes off in the house because we’ve got new carpets. The more he does it, the more he’ll remember.
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s six.
Bookseller: How about this one. It’s about—
Customer: Yeah, whatever, I’ll take it.
Customer: I’m just going to run to the store to do the weekly food shopping. I’m just going to leave my sons here, is that ok? They’re three and five. They’re no trouble.
Child: Mommy, can we buy this book?
Mother: Put that down, Benjamin. We’ve got enough books at home!
(A child is playing with a book on the floor and rips it)
Child’s mother: Oh, Stephen (she tuts in a non-serious way). Do be careful. (She takes the book off the child and puts it back on the shelf)
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Child’s mother: Yes?
Bookseller: Your son just ripped the head off the tiger who came to tea.
Child’s mother: I know. Children, eh?
Bookseller: Yes, but we can’t sell that book now. It’s damaged.
Child’s mother: Well I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.
(Child finds the light switch and begins to flick it on and off… and on and off)
Child’s mother: He’s playing a game he calls Night and Day.
Bookseller: Could you please ask him to stop? I need to be able to see the register to help these customers.
Child’s mother: It’s ok. He’ll stop in a few minutes. See, he’s pretending to snore at the moment. He’ll stop soon and pretend to wake up, and switch the light on like it’s the sun. He’s so imaginative, isn’t he? David, what time is it in the game?
Child: It’s five in the morning!
Child’s mother (to bookseller): See. Not long to go now. Just be patient.
Child: Mom, how did Anne Frank escape the Nazis?
Mother: I’ll tell you later.
Child (screaming): BUT I WANT TO KNOW NOOOOOOWWW!
Bookseller (to fellow bookseller): Someone should tell her she kept away from the Nazis for so long by being quiet.
Anonymous
Customer: If my daughter wants to buy books from the teenage section do you need to see some form of ID? It was her thirteenth birthday this weekend. I can show you pictures of the cake. You can count the candles.
Child: Mom, look, it’s the book of 101 Dalmatians. Can I get a hundred and one puppies?
Child’s mother: No, you’ve already got a hamster. That’s enough.
Customer: Do you have any positions available at the moment? I’d like my daughter to get a Saturday job.
Bookseller: If your daughter is interested in working for us, it’d be best if she came and spoke to us herself.
Customer: I don’t think she’s that keen on having a job, that’s the problem… But you could always come round to our house and try and convince her to come and work for you. Then she might consider it.
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s only seven but he’s so advanced; it’s like he has the brain of a twenty-year-old. What would you recommend?
Customer: Hi, my daughter is going to come by on her way home from school to buy a book. However, she seems to like to buy books with sex in them, and she’s only twelve, so can I ask you to keep an eye out for her and make sure she doesn’t buy anything inappropriate for her age? I can give you a list of authors she is allowed to buy.
Bookseller: With all due respect, would it not be easier for you to come in with your daughter?
Customer: Certainly not. She’s a grown girl; she can do it herself.
Customer: Ok, so you want this book?
Their daughter: Yes!
Customer: Peter Pan?
Their daughter: Yes, please. Because he can fly.
Customer: Yes, he can—he’s very good at flying.
Their daughter: Why can’t I fly, daddy?
Customer: Because of evolution, sweetheart.
Customer: Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs?
Customer (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles really were crap, weren’t they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan…. If it was Five Go Down to a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting.
Parent: (to a misbehaving child): THERE SHOULD BE NO YELLING UNLESS SOMEONE IS ON FIRE!
Child: (firing back immediately): What about if a weasel is robbing the store?
Parent (long pause… with the flickering of a smile): I don’t know… is he armed?
Richard Due & Elizabeth Prouty
Second Look Books, Prince Frederick, MD
Customer: Oh, look, they’ve got a section on dictionaries. Perhaps we should get your brother one for school, for Spanish, what do you think?
Her daughter: Can we get one for when we go to Scotland for our holidays?
Customer: They speak English in Scotland, too, sweetie.
Five-year-old girl: Mommy, I could stay in here all day!
Mother: I don’t know why you read; it’ll never get you anywhere.
Christopher Sheedy
Re: Reading, Toronto, ON