Customer: I read a book in the sixties. I don’t remember the author, or the title. But it was green, and it made me laugh. Do you know which one I mean?
Customer: This might be a stupid question, but do you sell milk?
Customer: Do you sell lottery tickets?
Customer: Do you have any sea-monkey food?
James Crossley
Island Books, Mercer Island, WA
Customer: Do you sell swimming goggles?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we do not.
Customer: And you call yourself a full service bookstore?
Bookseller: …
Emily Crowe
Odyssey Bookshop, South Hadley, MA
Customer: Do you sell bed sheets?
Kathleen Elder
Borders Express, Tucker, GA
Customer: Do you sell screwdrivers?
Customer: Do you sell gum?
Bookseller: No, we’re a bookstore. We sell books.
Customer: Oh. Right. (pause) What about cigarettes?
Bookseller: Nope, still just a bookstore.
Anonymous
Customer: Didn’t this place used to be a camera store?
Bookseller: Yes, it did, but we bought the place a year ago.
Customer: And now you’re a…
Bookseller: … a bookstore.
Customer: Right. Yes. So, where do you keep the cameras?
Man: Where are the pianos?
Bookseller (leading him towards the music section): Sheet music is on the bottom shelf; piano tuning and repair books are on the next shelf up.
Man: No, no, no! I need a piano.
Bookseller: We don’t sell pianos.
Man: I hear music.
Bookseller: …That’s the radio.
Man: Are you sure?
Ann Salisbury
Bienville Books, Mobile, AL
Customer: Hi, I just wanted to ask: did Anne Frank ever write a sequel?
Bookseller: …
Customer: I really enjoyed her first book.
Bookseller: Her diary?
Customer: Yes, the diary.
Bookseller: Her diary wasn’t fictional.
Customer: Really?
Bookseller: Yes… She really dies at the end—that’s why the diary finishes. She was taken to a concentration camp.
Customer: Oh… that’s terrible.
Bookseller: Yes, it was awful.
Customer: I mean, it’s such a shame, you know? She was such a good writer.
Customer: Do you have any books in this shade of green, to match the wrapping paper I’ve bought?
Customer: Do you arrange your books by color? I’m looking for a blue book.
Emily Crowe
Odyssey Bookshop, South Hadley, MA
Customer: You know how they say that if you gave a thousand monkeys typewriters, then they’d eventually churn out really good writing?
Bookseller: … Yes.
Customer: Well, do you have any books by those monkeys?
Bookseller: …
Customer: How about dragons? Do you have any books with dragons?
Bookseller: Well, let me check. There are tons of books with dragons in them; I can pull up a list if you like.
Customer: Can you get any with pictures of real dragons?
Mike Tennyson
Bay Brooks, Great Mills, MD
Customer: Do you have a copy of Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason? I can’t see it on the shelf.
Bookseller: I’m afraid we don’t, but I can order it for you, and it’ll be here in the next forty-eight hours. We could even mail it to you if you like?
Customer: I don’t trust the postal service. Could you fax it instead?
Customer: Do have that book about those people in that place with the thing?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have any medical textbooks?
Bookseller: Sorry, no. They go out of date so quickly that we don’t stock them, but I can order one for you.
Customer: I’m not worried about it being in date.
Bookseller: Does your course not request you have a specific edition?
Customer: Oh, I’m not a medical student, I just want to learn how to do stitches.
Bookseller: … Right.
Customer: Do you have a book on sewing, instead?
Customer: Do you have any books signed by Margaret Atwood?
Bookseller: We have many Margaret Atwood books, but I’m afraid we don’t have any signed by Margaret Atwood, no.
Customer: I’m looking for a birthday present for my wife. I know she’d really love a signed copy. You couldn’t fake a signature could you?
Customer: Do you have any books by Jane Eyre?
Customer: Where are your fictional novels?
Bookseller: Can I help at all?
Customer: Yes, where’s your fiction section?
Bookseller: It starts over on the far wall. Are you looking for anything in particular?
Customer: Yes, any books by Stefan Browning.
Bookseller: I’m not familiar with him, what kind of books has he written?
Customer: I don’t know if he’s written any. You see, my name’s Stefan Browning, and I always like to go into bookstores to see if anyone with my name has written a book.
Bookseller: … Right.
Customer: Because then I can buy it, you see, and carry it around with me and tell everyone that I’ve had a novel published. Then everyone will think I’m really cool, don’t you think?
Bookseller: …
Customer: Do you have a book that lists the weather forecast for the rest of this year?
Customer: Do you have a crafts book on how to build a gun?
Bookseller (on the phone): Hello, Ripping Yarns Bookstore.
Customer: Hi. Do you have any mohair wool?
Bookseller: Sorry, we’re not a yarns store, we’re a bookstore.
Customer: You’re called Ripping Yarns.
Bookseller: Yes, that’s “yarns” as in stories.
Customer: Well it’s a stupid name.
Bookseller: It’s a Monty Python reference.
Customer: So, you don’t sell wool?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Hmph. That’s ridiculous.
Bookseller: … But we do sell dead parrots.
Customer: What?
Bookseller: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?
Customer: Erm, no.
Bookseller: Ok, well, if you change your mind, do call back.
Customer: I’d like to buy your heaviest book, please.
Customer: Do you have this book (holds up a biography) but without the photographs?
Bookseller: I think the photographs are published alongside the text in every edition.
Customer: Why?
Bookseller: I suppose it’s so you can see what everyone looked like.
Customer: I don’t like photographs.
Bookseller: Ok.
Customer: Could you cut them out for me?
Bookseller: …
Customer: Hi there.
Bookseller: Hi, can I help?
Customer: Yes, I was just admiring your store sign outside.
Bookseller: Thank you.
Customer: It’s really lovely…
Bookseller: …Yes.
Customer: … Is it for sale?
Customer: If I came to work here, would I get a discount at the liquor store next door?
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello?
Person: Hi there, can I speak to the manager of the property?
Bookseller: Speaking. How can I help?
Person: I’m calling to see if you’d be interested in stocking some cleaning products in your vicinity.
Bookseller: To sell?
Person: Yes.
Bookseller: We’re a bookstore.
Person: Yes. Could you see yourselves branching out into this area?
Bookseller: Not really, no.
Person: How about I send over a sample of products and you can see how you get on?
Bookseller: No, thank you.
Person: Books and cleaning products work well together.
Bookseller: Do they?
Person: I’m sure we could make this work.
Bookseller: No, thank you.
Person: I think you’re missing out on a very interesting opportunity. Can you think of any other bookstores that might be interested?
Customer: Do you have a book on how to breathe underwater?
Bookseller: You mean Julie Orringer’s short story collection: How to Breathe Underwater?
Customer: Is that fact?
Bookseller: No, it’s fiction—the title’s a metaphor.
Customer: … Oh. No. I need a book on how to actually breathe underwater.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Do you have a book on dinosaurs? My grandson’s really into them.
Bookseller: Absolutely, we have one over here.
Customer: Does it have every type in it?
Bookseller: I believe it’s a very comprehensive collection, yes.
Customer: Great. So, does it have a chapter on dragons?
Customer: Do you have any old Elvis CDs?
Bookseller: No, we don’t sell music, sorry. We might have a book on Elvis, though.
Customer: Would any of those come with a life size cut out of him?
Bookseller: …I doubt it.
Customer: Do you have Dr. Who and the Secrets of the Hidden Planet of Time?
Bookseller: I’m not familiar with that one. Hang on and I’ll check our system for you.
Customer: Thank you.
Bookseller: I’m afraid I can’t find it on our database, or a reference to it online. Are you sure you’ve got the right title?
Customer: No, not at all. I don’t know that it actually exists.
Bookseller: … What do you mean?
Customer: Oh, I was just driving to work yesterday and I thought up the title and I thought “now that sounds like the kind of book I’d like to read,” you know?
Bookseller: Hmmm. Well, I’m afraid you can’t read it, as it hasn’t been written.
Customer: Never mind, never mind—just thought I’d check.
Bookseller: We do have lots of other Dr. Who novels over here, though, if you’d like to take a look.
Customer: No, it’s ok. I’ll go home and have another think and come back again.
Customer: Hi, my best friend came in last weekend and bought a book, and she really loved it. Do you have another copy?
Bookseller: What was the title?
Customer: Oh, right. Yeah. I don’t remember.
Customer: I’m looking for that famous book—you know, the Disney one, where Donald Duck is an accountant.
Customer: Do you have an easy version of “Moonlight Sonata” for piano?
Bookseller: We have a box of sheet music by the music books section. I’ll have a look.
Customer: Thanks.
Bookseller: Yep. Here’s a “Moonlight Sonata” for grade two.
Customer: And that’s easy?
Bookseller: Compared to the real thing, yes.
Customer: So, I should be able to play it, yeah?
Bookseller: I don’t know. How long have you been playing?
Customer: Oh, I don’t know how to play, I thought I’d just try.
Bookseller: Right. Can you read sheet music?
Customer: Well… sure… it’s just the alphabet, isn’t it?
Customer: I’m looking for a book about this big (indicates size). I’ve got a space on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It’s really bugging me.
Bookseller: What kind of book would you like?
Customer: I don’t care, just as long as it’s exactly this size.
Customer: Where do you keep your maps?
Bookseller: Over here, what kind of map are you looking for? A county, a state, a world map?
Customer: I want a map of the sun.
Customer: Is your poetry section split up into rhyming and non-rhyming sections?
Bookseller: No, it’s just in alphabetical order. What kind of poetry are you looking for?
Customer: Rhyming. Preferably iambic pentameter, of poems of no more than ten lines, by a female poet. But, other than that, I don’t mind.
Customer: Hi, do you sell Christmas trees?
Bookseller: No…
Customer: Oh. I thought it was worth asking because you’ve got lots of Christmas books in the window.
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookstore.
Customer: Hi. My friend recommended you to me. She said you sell the most amazing knee high socks.
Bookseller: We don’t sell socks, we’re a bookstore.
Customer: Oh, have you sold out?
Bookseller: Of what?
Customer: Of socks.
Bookseller: No, we’re a bookstore.
Customer: Oh, ok.
Customer: I’d love to hold a fashion photo shoot in here. We could get models to come in and half bury themselves in books on the floor, or get them to hang from the bookshelves. Do you think your customers would mind?
Customer: I’ve been looking through your geography section—I can’t find any books on Atlantis.
Bookseller: You know, I think we managed to lose those.
Customer (holding up a book about knitting): Do you think I could knit using my own hair?
Customer: What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: “Wow, that guy’s intelligent”?
Customer (on the phone): Do you have (inaudible)?
Bookseller: I’m sorry?
Customer: Do you have miso soup?
Bookseller: Um, no… this is a bookstore.
Customer: But it says Book S… Oh. Never mind.
Amelia Cone
Book Soup, West Hollywood, CA
Customer: Do you have any books on Japan?
Bookseller: Sure. A travel guide or a history?
Customer: Yes.
Bookseller: Which one?
Customer: Both.
Bookseller: Right.
Customer: … And it should also have stories for children.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Illustrated.
Bookseller: …
Customer: And it has to be a hardback, not a paperback. And it should be a good price.
Bookseller: …
Customer: A really nice old edition, with a modern twist.
Bookseller: … I’m really not sure what kind of book you’re looking for.