Customer (holding up a copy of a Harry Potter book): This doesn’t have anything weird in it… does it?
Bookseller: You mean, like, werewolves?
Customer: No (whispers) —gays.
Bookseller: … Right.
(Local author comes into bookstore, lifts his books from the bookshelf and starts rearranging them on the table in the middle of the room)
Bookseller: What are you doing?
Local Author: Well, they’re never going to sell just sitting on a shelf, are they?
Customer: Which was the first Harry Potter book?
Bookseller: The Sorcerer’s Stone.
Customer: And the second?
Bookseller: The Chamber of Secrets.
Customer: I’ll take The Chamber of Secrets. I don’t want The Sorcerer’s Stone.
Bookseller: Have you already read that one?
Customer: No, but with series of books I always find they take a while to really get going. I don’t want to waste my time with the useless introductory stuff.
Bookseller: The story in Harry Potter actually starts right away. Personally, I recommend that you start with the first book—and it’s very good.
Customer: Are you working on commission?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Right. How many books are there in total?
Bookseller: Seven.
Customer: Exactly. I’m not going to waste my money on the first book when there are so many others to buy. I’ll take the second one.
Bookseller: … If you’re sure.
(One week later, the customer returns)
Bookseller: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban?
Customer: What’s that?
Bookseller: It’s the book after The Chamber of Secrets.
Customer: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. How on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can’t? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I’m not going to bother with the rest.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Do you have an LGBT fiction section?
Bookseller: We don’t have a specific section, but we do have LGBT literature—Sarah Waters, Ali Smith, Jeanette Winterson, Christopher Isherwood etc. Which author were you looking for?
Customer: Don’t worry, I’ll have a look through the fiction section—thanks for your help.
Other Customer: Sorry, did I hear you right? Did you just say that all the homosexual books are in with the normal fiction.
Bookseller: All our fiction is one section.
(Other Customer looks suspiciously at the book she’s holding and slides it back on the shelf)
Customer: I’m looking for a book for my eleven-year-old daughter. What would you recommend? I’d like something educational, too, not anything nonsensical.
Bookseller: Well, how about something like When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit? She’ll be doing the Second World War at school soon, and this is about Judith Kerr’s life. She had to travel across Europe when she was a little girl because her father was a German journalist outspoken against Hitler, and it’s about her joining schools in France and England, and learning new languages.
Customer: I don’t really want her to learn about all that Hitler Nazi nonsense. It’s all so long ago, now, and completely irrelevant. It’s tedious.
(Customer is reading a book from the shelf, pauses and folds the top of one of the pages over, then puts it back on the shelf)
Bookseller: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Customer: I was just reading the first chapter of this book, but I’m going to be late meeting a friend for lunch. So, I’m just marking it and I’ll finish reading it when I stop by tomorrow.
(Customer walks around the store, eating peanuts and throwing the shells on the floor.)
Bookseller: Sir, we don’t allow food in the store.
Man: This isn’t food! It’s a snack!
Ann Salisbury
Bienville Books, Mobile, AL
Customer (shouting from the doorway): Do you have any jobs going at the moment? I’d come in and talk properly, but I’m really busy.
Customer: I’d like a refund on this book please.
Bookseller: What seems to be the problem?
Customer: I barely touched it. It’s ridiculous!
Bookseller: What do you mean?
Customer: I mean all I did was drop it in the bath by accident. And now, I mean, just look at it: the thing’s unreadable!
(Phone rings)
Customer: Hi, I’m looking for any books by Kenneth Roberts.
Bookseller: One second, and I’ll have a look for you.
(Bookseller checks the shelves)
Bookseller: I’m afraid we don’t have any right now.
Customer: What? You mean you’re all out of BOOKS?
Lisa Morton
Iliad Bookshop, North Hollywood, CA
Customer (speaking loudly into her phone): Why aren’t you here yet? I don’t like walking around with two thousand in cash on me! Hurry up and pick me up!
Customer: Can I return this book? I’m allergic to ink.
Dale Szczeblowski
Porter Square Books, Cambridge, MA
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello?
Customer: Hi there. I have a complaint I’d like to make.
Bookseller: I’m sorry to hear that; what seems to be the problem?
Customer: My daughter’s been having nightmares about The Gruffalo.
Bookseller: Right.
Customer: What are you going to do about it?
Bookseller: Well, I hasten to add that I have never heard of a child having nightmares about The Gruffalo before. It’s certainly not meant to be a scary book, and I’m sure the person who recommended this book to you didn’t intend for this to happen either. When did you buy this book from us?
Customer: We didn’t buy it from you.
Bookseller: … Right.
Customer: I’m calling from Canada. I’ve googled all the bookstores I can find, and I’m calling you up to request that you stop stocking the book immediately.
Bookseller: … Right.
(Pause)
Customer: So, are you going to get rid of the copies that you do have?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we won’t be doing that.
Customer: And why is that?
Bookseller: Because this appears to be an isolated incident, and the book is loved by many of our customers.
Customer: Right… I see. Well. I’ll be splitting my daughter’s counseling bill and sharing it among heartless booksellers like you!
Bookseller: Out of interest, how many bookstores have agreed to get rid of the book so far?
Customer: I think you’ll find that that’s beside the point.
(Phone goes dead)
Customer (holding up a Jamie Oliver cookbook): Would you mind if I photocopied this recipe?
Bookseller: Yes, I would.
Customer: Have you read…
Bookseller: …
Customer: Oh, nevermind. You look too young to have read a good book.
Madison Butler
Liberty Bay Books, Poulsbo, WA
Bookseller: Ok, so with postage costs that brings your total to $13.05. One second and I’ll get the card machine.
Customer: No. No, absolutely not. I demand that you charge me $12.99. I will not pay for anything that starts with thirteen. You’re trying to give me bad luck. Now, change it, or I will find a bookstore that doesn’t want me to fall down a hole and die. Ok?
Customer: Hi, I’ve just self-published my art book. My friends tell me that I’m set to be the new Van Gogh. How many copies of my book would you like to pre-order?
Bookseller: You know, Van Gogh was never appreciated in his lifetime.
Customer: …
Customer (poking his head round the door): Hi, can I bring my dog inside?
Bookseller: Sure, there’s a sign on the door that says that friendly dogs are allowed.
Customer: Well, she’s not that friendly; she might bite people.
Bookseller: … Well then please leave her outside.
Customer: I don’t suppose I could have a cup of coffee, could I?
Bookseller: Well… erm….
Customer: Thanks, I’d really like one.
Bookseller (indicating the bookshelves): Have you seen anything you’d like?
Customer: Oh, I’m not buying. I’m just waiting for my bus.
Customer: You only have the hardback of this book.
Bookseller: Yes. It’s only available in hardback, I’m afraid.
Customer: Oh, but, can’t you call the publisher and insist that I want the paperback? Can’t they just print it on demand for me?
Samantha Beiko
Type Books, Toronto, ON
Customer (peering over): Do you have brown eyes?
Bookseller: Yes, I do.
Customer: My mother told me never to trust anyone with brown eyes.
Bookseller: … You have brown eyes.
Customer: …
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Thanks for calling Barnes and Noble, how can I help you?
Customer: Yeah, hi, um… do you sell Scrabble dictionaries?
Bookseller: Yes, of course. Do you want me to put one on hold for you?
Customer: Oh, no that’s okay. But, listen, I’m about to win this round, can you check to see if “Kennedy” is included?
Anonymous
Customer: My dear, there’s a long line at the post office, and I only want a stamp for this letter. Do you have one I could buy from you?
Bookseller: No, I’m sorry, I don’t.
Customer: Well then, perhaps you could go and stand in the line for me? You’re a lot younger than me; your legs can handle it.
Bookseller: I’m afraid not—I’m running this bookstore by myself, so I can’t leave.
Customer: I’ll keep an eye on it for you.
Bookseller: No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that; I’d get in a lot of trouble.
Customer: Well. You’ve been extremely unhelpful. (she storms out)
Dear Sirs,
I am writing to see if you have any positions available at your bookstore. I really love your store, and the personalized service I get from you when I’ve been in previously. Your store is one dear to my heart.
I have attached my résumé.
Best,
(someone who CC’d this email to every bookstore in the city)
(Man enters bookstore smoking a cigarette)
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Man: Yes?
Bookseller: Could you put that cigarette out, please?
Man: Why?
Bookseller: Because it’s illegal to smoke in a public place.
Man: This isn’t a public place; there’s only you and me here.
Bookseller: Yes, well, it’s still a public place. And, apart from anything else, this store is rather flammable.
Man: Why?
Bookseller: … because it’s filled with paper.
Man: Is it?
Customer (via email): Please, I would like to know if this book has any mildew smell. If not, I will order it as soon as possible. I have one copy but I don’t like the smell. Thank you.
Customer: I called earlier about Slaughterhouse Five for my class?
Bookseller: Yes. I have a copy here for you.
Customer: Okay, thanks. What’s your return policy?
Bookseller: … Why?
Customer: Because I only need it for, like, a week.
Lillian Clark
The Second Story, Laramie, WY
Customer (poking her head round the door, glancing at our 18 × 18 foot bookstore):
Do you have a café in here?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we don’t.
Customer: Oh, I was looking for a bookstore with a café.
Bookseller: If you want a cup of tea, there’s a café four doors down.
Customer: Could I take some books there with me to look through and browse? And then bring them back?
(A man walks around the store, carrying a plastic bag stuffed with Nike jackets)
Man (to a customer): Would you like to buy a Nike jacket?
Customer: Erm, no.
Man: (to another customer): Can I interest you in a Nike jacket? Genuine Nike.
Bookseller: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Man: I was just seeing if anyone would like to buy a jacket.
Bookseller: Please don’t bother my customers.
Man: But it’s a store … they’re here to buy things.
Customer: Do you do gift wrap?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we don’t, sorry.
Customer: I tell you what; I’ll run to the store across the road and buy some wrapping paper. Then I’ll bring it back and you can wrap the book up for me, ok? You’re a bookstore, for Christ’s sake, you’re here to offer me a service.
Customer: Wow, you have a whole bookcase of Enid Blyton books?
Bookseller: Yep, we do. Famous Five, Secret Seven, Five Find Outers, Noddy—all of it there.
Customer: I loved the Famous Five when I was younger.
Bookseller: Yes, they were fun.
Customer: I’m so glad you think so. I know that there are a lot of people who say that Anne, from The Famous Five, was stupid and that she shouldn’t have just been doing the “girly” things, and that it was offensive.
Bookseller: Well…
Customer: I think all this political correctness has just gone way too far. I mean, who cares that Enid Blyton openly said that a woman should be the one to do the cooking and the cleaning? So she should.
Bookseller: Well—
Customer: —and then there are those who complain about the Noddy picture books, you know?
Bookseller: Hmmm.
Customer: Well, I say that a bit of racism never hurt anyone.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Everything in moderation, don’t you agree?
Bookseller: Your book will arrive in a few days. What’s your phone number?
Customer: Oh, er, I can’t remember it.
Bookseller: Ok. How would you like us to contact you when your book gets here?
Customer: Could you send me a postcard?
Bookseller: …What’s your address?
Customer: Oh. I’m not sure. Is it important?
Julia Sheng
Pegasus Books, Berkeley and Oakland, CA
(Customer brings The Lord of the Rings trilogy to the counter)
Customer: I am Legolas and I need to spread the word about The Lord of The Rings. I need to have this book for free.
Bookseller: No, I’m sorry, I can’t give you the book for free.
Customer’s friend: You have failed your quest!
Christopher Miya
Pegasus Books, Berkeley and Oakland, CA
Customer: What’s your name?
Bookseller: Jen.
Customer: Hmmm. I don’t like that name. Is it ok if I call you something else?
Customer (holding up a magazine from the Sixties): It says on the front cover that this magazine was supposed to come with half a jigsaw puzzle, but you don’t have the jigsaw puzzle. Does that mean I can have the magazine for free?
Customer: Do you have security cameras in here?
Bookseller: Yes.
Customer: Oh. (Customer slides a book out from inside his jacket and places it back on the shelf)
Bookseller: Hi, can I help you?
Customer: I don’t give a damn about books—they bore me.
Bookseller: I’m not sure you’re in the right place, then.
Customer: No, I am. I just wanted to ask what specific color you painted your bookshelves. I love this color. I mean, the right color can make books look more appealing, can’t it?
Bookseller: Can it?
Customer: And the smell of the paint takes away the smell of the books, too. Which is also a plus.
Customer: I’ve got a while before my bus. Are you and any of the other customers interested in playing cards?
Customer: Hi. I’m looking for a stuffed animal.
Bookseller: I’m afraid we don’t really have any of those. We do have some books for babies, though. They’re over here.
Customer: Er, it’s for a B-A-B-Y. What’s wrong with you? Babies can’t read!
Anonymous
Customer: Have you read every single book in here?
Bookseller: No, I can’t say I have.
Customer: Well you’re not very good at your job, are you?
Man (bursting through the bookstore door): Hey! Could you keep it down? We’re trying to film something outside.
Bookseller: … I’m not making any noise.
Man: Well, it looked like you were about to.
Bookseller: … It’s just me and the books here; we’re not going to have a raucous party.
Man: Yeah, well… just make sure you don’t.
Customer: I’ve forgotten my glasses, could you read the beginning of this book to me to see if I like it?
Customer: You must get so much time to read, just sitting here surrounded by books.
Bookseller: What is it you do?
Customer: Me? I work in a clothes store.
Bookseller: Well, you must get so much time to try clothes on, just standing there, surrounded by clothes.
(On putting the key in the door of the bookstore to open up in the morning, a customer comes up)
Bookseller: Excuse me, sorry, I’m afraid I’m not open yet. If you could wait two seconds and I’ll get the boxes out of the way and put the lights on.
Customer: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll only be a second. (Barges past into bookstore)
(Bookseller puts the book the customer has bought into a paper bag)
Customer: Don’t you have a plastic bag? I’m sick of all this recycling nonsense. It’s not doing any of us any good.
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookstore.
Customer: Hi there. If I buy a book and pay for it over the phone, could you bring it over the road to my house? I just live round the corner.
Bookseller: Are you unable to leave your house?
Customer: Well, no… but it’s raining.
Customer: You don’t have a very good selection of books.
Bookseller: We’ve got over ten thousand books.
Customer: Well, you don’t have the book I’ve written! (storms out)
Customer: Do you have the time?
Bookseller: Yes. It’s just after four o’clock.
Customer: No, it isn’t.
Customer: Who do I speak to about me selling you some books?
Bookseller: That would be me.
Customer: Where’s your boss? Is he not here?
Bookseller: The owner of the store isn’t here, she’s at home.
Customer: And who’s her boss? What’s his name?
Bookseller: She is the boss.
Customer: Oh. Well, you’re all modern, aren’t you?
(Customer is scraping his shoe along one of the display tables)
Bookseller: Sir, please don’t do that; you’re making the table dirty.
Customer: But where else do you expect me to scrape this gum off my shoe?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have any jobs available?
Bookseller: Have you worked in a bookstore before?
Customer: No.
Bookseller: I take it you enjoy reading?
Customer: No, I don’t read at all.
Bookseller: So… why do you want to work here?
Customer: Well, I don’t really. It’s just that I’ve moved into an apartment up the street, and I’d like a job within walking distance.
(Customer is doing push-ups in the middle of the bookstore. Lying beside him is an exercise book)
Bookseller: Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?
Customer: I don’t see why I can’t practice the exercises first, before buying the book!
Anonymous
Customer: I’ve got a lot of books that I want to look through, so I’ve ordered a pizza to eat while I do that. Should I have them deliver it straight to the second floor, or should I meet them at the front desk?
Anonymous
Customer: Can I just take this book to the restaurant next door and read it while I’m eating my lunch?
Barbara Pope
The Mulberry Bush Book Store, Parksville, BC
Man: Do you have a restroom?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we don’t.
Man: Well, then, I’m peeing right here. (He does so)
Anonymous
Customer: Is your mother around?
Bookseller: … I run this bookstore.
Customer: Oh. Sorry.
(Customer’s phone rings)
Other Customer: Will you turn that off? There are laws about cell phones in bookstores, you know!
Customer: You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever really read a whole book before…
Customer: Do you have Harry Potter book seven, part two?
Bookseller: Book seven is just one volume.
Customer: But the movie has two parts, so there must be a second book. They don’t just make movies from nothing!
Gabe Konrád
Bay Leaf Used & Rare Books, Sand Lake, MI
Customer: We’ve got so many books at home that we’ve had to start recycling them.
Bookseller: You mean you’re taking them to thrift store?
Customer: No, I mean we’ve actually started recycling them. You know, putting them out with the trash.
Bookseller: …
(Customer walks in and leaves the door wide open)
Other customer: Could you close that door behind you?
Customer: I’m just paying for this book, and then I’m leaving again. I’ll only be two seconds.
Other customer: You’ve already been in here ten seconds and now it’s freezing in here.
Customer: That’s because you’re blocking my way to the register!
Other Customer: Just close the bloody door. Where are your manners? This is a bookstore!
Customer: You wouldn’t believe this woman. She reads like a bird!
Llalan Fowler
Main Street Books, Mansfield, OH
(Woman throws a piece of paper down on the desk)
Woman: I need these books.
Bookseller: I’m sorry, I can’t make out this handwriting.
Woman: I can’t read it either, my daughter wrote it. Just search for it.
Bookseller: I can’t search for it if I don’t know what it is.
Woman: Just guess!
Bookseller: Ma’am, the only word I can make out on here is “bitch.”
Anonymous