Fifteen-year-old boy: Do you have a book that will help me hook up with slutty girls?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you stock Nigella Lawson under “sex” or “cooking”?
Bookseller: It’s a tough call, isn’t it?
Customer: Do you have a restricted section?
Customer: Do you keep the pornography in the photography section?
Customer: Do you have any pop-up books on sex education?
Elderly Gentleman: Hello, do you have any books on sex?
Bookseller: I think we have a couple, yes.
Elderly Gentleman: Excellent. I’ve had a hip replacement, and I wasn’t sure how long I had to wait, you see.
Bookseller: … Right.
Elderly Gentleman: I bet you could look it up on that computer there, though, couldn’t you?
Bookseller: … I suppose I could, if I needed to.
Elderly Gentleman: Excellent thing, the internet.
(Picks up a biography of actress Helen Mirren)
Customer: Jesus! Helen Mirren has huge boobs!
Housing Works Used Bookstore, New York, NY
Customer: Hi, do you have that sperm cookbook?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: That’s a shame; I really wanted to try it. Have you tried it?
Bookseller: I have not.
Customer: Do you have a book that lists aphrodisiacs? I’ve got a date on Friday.
Customer: Do you have a nature section? I’m looking for a nature guide, you know, for places to go.
Bookseller: Sure, our nature section is just down here.
Customer: No, sorry, not nature—naturist.
Bookseller: Oh!
Customer: Do you have any comics where the women have really big breasts? It’s… er… it’s for an art project.
Customer: Do you have a, er… a back room?
Bookseller: You mean a store room?
Customer: Ah, a store room. Ok. Yes.
Bookseller: Yes, we have a store room..
Customer: I’d like to (wink) buy something (wink) from your store room.
Bookseller: Excuse me?
Customer: Oh, right, you’ve got a buzz word, haven’t you? A password?
Bookseller: I think you’re mistaken. I think you’re thinking of somewhere else.
Customer: Oh. Really?
Bookseller: Yes. I think you should leave now.
Customer: Oh. (moves away)
(Customer comes back two minutes later)
Customer: Just to clarify: I was asking for drugs and you were saying you’re not that kind of place, right?
Bookseller: That’s right.
Customer: Ok, thanks.
Pause
Customer: Could you recommend—
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Ok, ok… Thanks.
Bookseller: You’re welcome.
Customer: Bye, then.
Bookseller: Goodbye.
Customer: Very nice bookstore.
Bookseller: Thank you.
Customer: I need a two-minute contemporary monologue that like takes place in a courtroom and is about like dying from venereal disease.
Bookseller: Well, that does not exist. But you can commission me to write it.
Customer: No, it needs to be contemporary.
Theresa Buchheister
Drama Book Shop, New York, NY
(Customer buying the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy)
Customer: Do you sell batteries?
Gina Martindelcampo
Sparta Books, Sparta, NJ
Daughter: Dad, will you buy me that book?
Dad: Which book?
Daughter: Fifty Shades of Grey.
Dad: No!
Daughter: Please?
Dad: No!
Mom: I have it, I’ll lend it to you.
Dad (in the tone of one deeply betrayed): Why do you have it?
Mom (calmly): It was for the neighborhood book club.
Daughter: Nevermind.
Anonymous