Customer: Do you have any books on star signs?
Bookseller: Yes, our esoteric section is over here.
Customer: Good, thanks. It’s just I really need to check mine—I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen.
Customer: Do you have any books on the dark arts?
Bookseller: … No.
Customer: Do you have any idea where I could find some?
Bookseller: Why don’t you try Knockturn Alley?
Customer: Where’s that?
Bookseller: Oh, the center of London.
Customer: Thanks, I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it.
Customer: Do you have any books on the story of Easter?
Bookseller: I’m sure we do, yes.
Customer: Excellent. Something with lots of baby roosters and rabbits would be great, thanks.
Customer: Do you have any books on flying?
Bookseller: Sure, the aviation section is right over here.
Customer: No, man, I can already levitate; I need to know how to fly.
Bookseller: You can levitate?
Customer: I’m doing it right now. My shoes are hollow, so it looks like I’m standing on the ground.
Anonymous
(Customer ordered a nineteenth-century book, claimed it was in terrible condition, which it wasn’t, sent the book back in only a paper bag, with pieces of paper stuck to the pages that showed photographs. The spine was broken, as though he’d put said book on a photocopier, copied the images he’d marked and posted the book back to to the bookstore—never intending to keep it in the first place. The booksellers reported this to ABE.
ABE books gave the booksellers the money to repair the book, and refunded the buyer with a strong warning.)
Several very rude emails ensued with choice phrases such as:
Customer: You will not forget this transaction. Every time an event goes wrong in your life, you will remember karma… I am a prophet and I bring you this message in the name of Jesus Christ.
A few weeks later, the customer posted a letter-size envelope to the bookstore stuffed with pamphlets on how to recognize the devil within themselves.
Customer: Do you have a religious section?
Bookseller: Sure, it’s just over here.
Customer: You’ve got Richard Dawkins’s books here, next to copies of the Bible.
Bookseller: That section is for all kinds of books relating to religion.
Customer: I hope you know that’s a sin. And you will go to hell.
Customer (holding a copy of Stephen King’s Carrie): Does this guy write horror books?
Bookseller: Yes.
Customer: Well, I need you to move it to a different section.
Bookseller: Sorry—was it misshelved?
Customer: No, it was in horror, but I need it to go to a different area. My pastor says we should never read horror novels.
Bookseller: … oh.
(Bookseller moves the book. Customer buys it.)
Ann Salisbury
Bienville Books, Mobile, AL
(Man approaches bookseller and attempts to start a conversation with her about religion)
Bookseller: I’m sorry, sir, but I try to make a point of not discussing religion with customers.
Customer: Oh. I just thought you seemed like a nice girl, and I don’t want you to go to Hell.
Bookseller: …
Lillian Clark
The Second Story, Laramie, WY
Customer: Who wrote the Bible? I can’t remember.
Customer’s friend: Jesus.
Customer: I saw The Passion of the Christ this weekend and somebody told me there was a book about it. Do you have it?
Bookseller: You mean a book the movie was based on?
Customer: Yes. I didn’t see it on any of your displays.
Bookseller: Sir, the movie was based on the Bible.
Customer: The Bible?
Bookseller: Yes, sir.
Customer: Oh, the Bible! But isn’t there a book?
Cassandra Chan
Borders, Jensen Beach, FL
Bookseller: Can I help you find anything?
Woman: Yes. We’re looking for the portal.
Bookseller: Sorry?
Man: We’re looking for the portal.
Bookseller: ….
Woman: We’ve been tracking the portal to Lemuria for a long time and we’re pretty sure it’s here.
Bookseller: In this bookstore?
Man: Yes, we’ve been tracking the energy for years and we’re certain it’s in a bookstore in Lincoln City. We’re pretty sure it’s this one, but it’s possible it could be in a bookstore a few miles away.
Woman: No. Everything indicates it should be here. Maybe under the stairs.
Bookseller: Right. Well, have a look around, I suppose. Let me know if I can help you find anything!
Diana Portwood
Bob’s Beach Books, Lincoln City, OR
Customer: Do you have a book with a photograph of Jesus in it? I want to prove to my friend that he was white.
Michael G. Martin
Barnes and Noble, Pittsburgh, PA
Customer: Do you have a book that interprets life?
Bookseller: I’m not sure I know what you mean.
Customer: Well, I was out hiking the other day, and I saw a wolf. I want to know what that meant.
Jody Mosley
Barnes and Noble, Boulder, CO
(Punching the second to last hole on the customer rewards card)
Bookseller: Oh look, you’re getting very close to your reward!
Elderly Customer: In more ways than one!
Mary Jane Reed
G. J. Ford Bookshop, St. Simons, GA
Customer: Which way is it to the cemetery?
(Bookseller hands over a map)
Customer: Thanks. And that vampire that used to live there… he’s dead now, right?
Customer: I’m always on night shift at work.
Bookseller (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?
Customer (seriously): You can never be too prepared.
Lauretta Nagel
Constellation Books, Reisterstown, MD
