2 DEFINE YOUR OWN METRICS FOR SUCCESS

What do you want to do? For most of us, even that one question can be daunting. Some of us want to do a million different things, and some of us have no idea what we want to do, but most of us know what we don’t want to do. Which is why I always encourage people to start with acknowledging what they don’t want to do. If you can remove the things you don’t want in your life, you will begin making room to test out new things that you might want. To start eliminating what you don’t want, first you will have to recognize what those things are. Not only do you have to think for yourself but you also have to be honest with yourself. It can be as simple as not wanting to drive more than five miles to work or as complex as not wanting to continue in a career that you have spent a lot of time and money to build.

If you want to stand out, you have to be unabashedly your most authentic self and passionate about something to the point of obsession. You have to know what you care about and don’t care about to know who you are. In an ideal world, you would know the answer to all three of those questions, but in a realistic world you have to start where you are. Again, many of us know only what we don’t 
want, and that’s okay. Having clarity about what you don’t want and knowing that you aren’t sure what you do want doesn’t make you less authentic. Admitting it makes you more authentic.

Trying to figure out who you are and what you want can be frustrating; it is difficult to be objective about yourself. That’s one reason actors and other people in the entertainment industry have agents and managers (also because agents negotiate contracts more effectively). These professionals help creatives see what they are, what they are not, and what they could be. Mr. (Fred) Rogers was the king of authenticity, who had a magical way of making us feel comfortable in our own skin. It was he who said, “Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime’s work, but it is worth the effort.”

EVERYTHING THAT I KNEW WAS NOT FOR ME

I did not know what I wanted in my career and life. I was not one of those people who “just knew.” But I did know what I didn’t want and could recognize it quickly in a new situation. I didn’t want to be told what to do or how to do it by anyone chosen at random. I had a difficult time respecting people whom I perceived as out of their elements. I didn’t want to have to be on the phone all day long. I didn’t want a job that required me to be in an office, in a chair, all day long. I didn’t want a job that limited my travel experiences, and this helped me to realize that I wanted a job that allowed or required me to travel. I never wanted to hear the words, “Ask human resources.”

As I was collecting my list of things that I didn’t want, I had no idea what all of it meant for my direction or career. I just kept trying new things until I found something else that didn’t make me happy, and then I would move on. I always felt that my happiness was dependent on avoiding things that made me unhappy. I believe that all of the little sacrifices and exceptions we make in our lives have a negative effect on us in the long run. So I trained myself to identify the feeling that something wasn’t right and to quit soon after I recognized it.

My own life is my work, and the jobs that I take on are merely tasks in my life. If you got through a task that you hated, you would do whatever you could to never go back to it, right? I definitely wouldn’t sacrifice forty-plus hours per week, fifty weeks per year, for my entire life. Don’t get me wrong—I understand about paying dues. But I also think that you can easily recognize what won’t change right after you have done the work. If you want to be a lawyer, you will always have to read, write, and work cases. If you want to be a doctor, you will always have to see patients.

While you’re doing the work to take you to the next thing, you might not know what is a forever thing and what isn’t. What I did was start a list and add to it everything new that wasn’t for me. Whenever I started a new position, I would study the lifestyle of the person in charge, knowing that you get more autonomy as you grow in a company. If I noticed that they were forced to do things that I would never want to do, it was a sign that the job probably wasn’t a good fit for me. Then I took my list of “don’t wants” and flipped it to define what I did want.

SAYING “NO” TO ONE THING CREATES ROOM IN YOUR LIFE FOR SOMETHING ELSE

I used to define what I wanted in life as freedom—the freedom to do whatever it was that I wanted. When I first started my career, I believed (as many do) that films, photography, and art were about freedom. I wanted to work with the free thinkers, the people who told stories and influenced the world.

After high school, I decided to attend the Art Institute of Las Vegas to study film production. I took classes for two weeks and quickly realized not only that I could not draw but that I hated drawing. The first two semesters of my career at the Art Institute required that I learn to draw. I went to the school administration and asked if I could switch majors.

“To what?” they asked.

“Anything that doesn’t require art classes—maybe interior design?” I replied.

The woman looked at me quizzically, as she had every right to do. “This is the Art Institute of Las Vegas. All of our degree programs require that you take art classes,” she retorted.

When I heard that, I immediately replied, “Well, then, I quit.” I added drawing to my list of things I didn’t want.

At the time, I was the theater manager for a hypnotist at the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas at night and working part-time in marketing and promotions for local celebrities during the day. One day, it hit me: Why would I help promote these entertainers when I could just become one? I had years of acting, theater, and improv behind me, and this would give me the freedom I had always sought. I found a school, auditioned, got in, and within a couple of months I was on my way to Hollywood.

I studied stage choreography, theater, and phonetics. I completed the two-year program and started my career as an actress. Six months in, I quit and added waiting to the list of things I did not want in my life. I found that with acting and stunt choreography I had no control over my life or my time. I thought acting would bring me freedom, and instead I found out that I spent more time waiting around for something to happen than doing anything else. I would wait for auditions, for call-backs, on “holds” (the casting director gives you a bunch of days when they may or may not need you and asks you to be available for all of them), for the production team on the job, and then wait four to six weeks after the job to get paid. When I wasn’t waiting for a new job in the acting world, I was waiting tables at the local Cheesecake Factory. I was quite literally a professional waiter.

This was just the beginning of my quitting experience. I went on to study anthropology and quit. I worked in a talent management office and quit. I ran marketing for a smoothie company and quit after three days. I worked accounts and receivables for a small record label and quit. The list goes on. All I ever knew was what I didn’t want. I needed to quit all of these ventures in order to find my real passion.

When I was twenty-four, I was still in school studying business and Mandarin Chinese. I had taken a job as an intern for an internet company. The job was great, but I was focused on starting some sort of business in China at some point. So when they offered me a full-time job, I said, “No, thank you.” A few months went by and my plans changed again; I decided that I was going to go backpacking for six months and think about where else in the world I may want to live someday. I had a mini–quarter-life crisis. I needed to know that there was more to life than what was right in front of me. I decided that I would sell everything I owned and leave the country. Even if I sold everything, including my car (which I did), I knew I would probably need more money. So to make money for my trip, I took the job that the internet company had offered me a few months earlier.

THINK FOR YOURSELF, NOT FOR OTHERS

A few weeks before I was going to leave for my trip, I called home and said, “Mom, I am quitting so I can travel the world.” She was used to my frequent course corrections at this point, so instead of saying, “Are you crazy?” she said, “Don’t quit. You will need a job when you get back.” But what boss would let me leave for such a long time and hold my position for my return? I was an entry-level employee without a degree.

I walked into my boss’s office and blurted, “I need to take some time off.” He asked me how much time, and I replied, “Six, maybe nine months.” He stared at me for a long time and then said, “I will be right back.”

He was gone for maybe ten minutes, but it felt like forever. When he walked back in, he had a folder. He opened the folder, looked at me and said, “If you quit, we can’t hire you back. That is company policy.” I was ready to say good-bye.

But he continued, “Can you work five to ten hours per month?” Completely stunned, I said that I could. “Then we can give you a stipend to manage our social media posts while you are away,” he said. “That way, you take a leave of absence, and then you can come back to work upon your return.”

I was flabbergasted. I had just received everything I wanted that I wasn’t even aware I wanted. My mom’s advice was the most life-changing guidance I had ever received. Who would have known that I could get that much time off with pay and no explanation for why I needed to take the time off? In that moment, I realized I had been making assumptions about other people’s thinking my whole life. If I was going to start thinking for myself, I needed to stop thinking for other people. When you ask before you assume, the opportunities are endless. I started asking for everything and anything I wanted. I didn’t always get what I asked for, but here’s a list of things I did receive:

≫ Free food, hotel, and tours in exchange for setting up Yelp and other online local listings for companies while I traveled

≫ An all-expenses-paid, six-week tour through New Zealand in exchange for a few tweets—I had a thousand followers at the time

≫ Seven months away from my job with paid leave of absence

≫ A free round-trip flight on a private jet in exchange for a tweet and a snap

≫ A 65 percent raise just nine months into the position, with no additional responsibilities

≫ A byline in a major publication when I had no prior editorial experience

≫ Sponsored suits, gowns, and alcohol at my pending nuptials

≫ Free facials, B12 shots, massages, and dental work in exchange for consulting

≫ Trips to Israel, Dubai, Mumbai, Manila, Hangzhou, Bali, and more, to speak at and attend events and retreats

≫ Computers, cash, and lots of wine

The list goes on. People love to barter. You can make room for endless possibilities if you simply give up control and ask for what you want, but this also requires acknowledging that what you have to offer in return is of value.

Why do we have such difficulty asking for what we want? It is how we are programmed from Day One. We fear being rejected so much that we would prefer to live without or go with less if it means that we can avoid hearing the word “No.” This is a common and irrational fear. People like to do things for others. When we do a favor for someone else, our bodies get natural boosts from endorphins. Ask. If people say, “Yes,” you have given an endorphin rush; if the response is “No,” you will be no further ahead than when you started (and neither will anyone else). Ask, ask, and ask some more. We only become more successful and achieve goals with the help of others. If one person says no, ask another, or offer something new, but never stop asking for what you want or need.

PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST

Every time we get on a plane to fly anywhere, we hear the instruction to secure our own masks before helping others in the event there’s an emergency. Why is it important to place your mask on 
first? A man named Destin Sandlin, engineer and founder of popular podcast and YouTube channel Smarter Every Day had the same question.6 He decided that he was going to find out why. In order to define the test, Destin needed to get to the bottom of what he was talking about: What are the effects of oxygen deprivation, or hypoxia?

Destin joined astronaut Don Pettit when Pettit went to renew his hypoxia training at NASA’s Neutral Buoyancy Laboratory. The purpose of this training is to help astronauts and pilots understand the symptoms of hypoxia in order to identify when their brains have stopped working properly in the case of an emergency. The problem? No one experiences hypoxia the same way. So NASA had to find a way to train people about hypoxia in a way that allowed for the variations of the symptoms to be understood. The answer? Every person undergoing the training would have to experience the effects of hypoxia. So NASA put these people in a box that simulated the low-oxygen effect of high altitude and regulated the pressure of oxygen using the same kind of pressurization system that enables us to breathe on airplanes in a higher atmosphere.

For a trained astronaut, this experiment is nothing new. For a YouTube producer like Destin, this experiment is unique. The YouTube episode is filmed so that we can see the entire experiment as it progresses. The astronaut, Don, is considered the control, or the part of the experiment that gives results we are aware of and expect. He is familiar with his reaction to hypoxia, and he will put his mask back on as soon as he feels the symptoms. For Don, the symptoms are blurred tunnel vision and “air hunger,” or the feeling of needing more air. Destin is given permission to keep his mask off for one minute beyond the point when the effects of hypoxia start to show. The results are fascinating.

Destin is given plastic pieces in various shapes as well as a bucket with the shapes cut out to fit the pieces into place. He goes on for about two minutes, announces the shapes accurately, and gets them all into the bucket using their appropriate holes. Then something strange happens. Destin starts smiling uncontrollably, he is slightly shaking, and his lips are turning purple. He is told that he needs to put his mask back on or he is going to die. Destin responds, “I don’t want to die,” but never puts his mask back on his face. The team inside the experiment has to put Destin’s mask back on for him because he cannot comprehend how to do it at this point. Once his mask is back on, he is back to normal within seconds and can easily complete the new set of tasks.

What is the point of this story? We cannot help others to breathe if we aren’t breathing ourselves. This is true for almost all elements of our lives. It is much easier to help others succeed if you are successful yourself. It is easier to make other people happy if you are happy yourself. And it is easier to make connections for others if you are well connected yourself. It is not selfish to think of your needs before you think of the needs of others. Entire communities of people are limited by their surroundings and networks simply because the culture of modesty and self-sacrifice inhibits them.

For example, we all know of one person who made a big break—the one who made it bigger than everyone else. This person ends up being the reason a community, family, or group of friends are now able to grow beyond their traditional means. How? They open access to a new way of living and a host of new opportunities that were not available before because of a lack of connections. These individuals had to be self-sufficient and successful before they could ever be of help to anyone else.

This is where personal branding comes in. It is about understanding that you must improve yourself before you can assist and bring meaning to someone else. Being influential is all about adding value to the lives of other people.