Chapter One

I had to laugh at the look on their faces as I watched them through the window. Tommy and Jack were trying so hard to look tough but we were just robbing a shop for some fags and booze. It weren’t like we were gonna hurt anyone. Tiff squeezed my hand as the shout from inside signalled our cue. When we rushed to the door, a dark haired boy was holding it open, so we pushed our way past him. I’d been so caught up in the drama I hadn’t noticed him standing there. His gaze slammed into mine as I went to head towards the booze aisle. I froze for a second before my attention was drawn back to the boys. Tommy was holding a knife towards the shaking shop keeper. The poor boy was about nineteen with major spotage on his face. His eyes were wide as Jack shoved fag packets into a carrier bag.

‘Come on, girls. Get the booze,’ Tommy shouted, gesturing with the silver blade. Tiff had started to shove bottles into a bin liner. I couldn’t move. When I looked back over to the dark haired boy, he was just standing there, his tall frame still beside the open door. His blue gaze stayed connected to mine as the corners of his lips lifted slightly.

‘Will you get a bloody move on?’ Tommy yelled.

I shook my head and blinked before spinning away to help my friends. I joined Tiff and started to copy her movements with my own bag, all the time trying not to look towards the front of the shop. I’d never seen the boy before and wondered why he hadn’t run or tried to stop us. When my bag was full I shouted to the others and turned to run out of the shop. As I went towards him, I couldn’t look at his face. I was just about to walk past the weirdo when he put a hand on my arm. I stopped and looked up at him.

‘You have a choice,’ he whispered. I opened my mouth to respond but Tiff shoved me from behind and I ended up on the pavement outside. The spell was broken. I grabbed my friend’s hand and we ran as fast as we could.

Chapter Two

‘What was wrong with you back there, Nat?’ Tommy asked as he took a swig from a bottle of Jack.

‘Nothing.’

We were sitting on the swings in the park. Tommy stood in front of me. It was gone ten and I should’ve been at home really. Not that my mother would’ve noticed. Although I was eighteen so it weren’t like she could make me go home at a certain time. I shoved a fag in my mouth and looked away from the eldest member of our small group. We loved living in London but sometimes it got boring as hell.

‘You kept looking at that boy,’ he said, his words starting to slur. He’d almost downed the whole bottle in the space of ten minutes. He was gonna be so wrecked.

‘No, I didn’t, shut up and give me a bottle of something.’ I reached out and he passed me a beer. Grabbing my sleeve, he pulled me off the swing. I landed on the floor at his feet.

‘Oi!’ I shouted, jumping up. My head lowered and my breath started to huff. My hands reached towards his neck as I lunged, but he managed to get a hold of me and wrestle me to the ground.

‘Feisty, girl, I like it … .It’s like she’s got something to hide, innit, Jack?’

He tried to get on top of me but I managed to get my leg up and knee him exactly where no man should ever be kneed. He deserved it, though. Bastard kept trying to get off with me.

‘Get off her, Bruv, you don’t need to do that.’ Jack stood up and started to sway. It didn’t matter, though; the dickhead was crouched on the floor trying to get enough breath into his lungs to moan. I thought about feeling bad but decided against it. I got up from the ground, grabbed my beer and a pack of fags and headed out of the park. They all shouted after me, but I was gone, running towards my favourite spot.

My skin burned as I thought about the way Tommy always tried to grab me when he was drunk. He never bothered me when he was sober, proving he didn’t fancy me anyway. He was such a knob. I reached the rock that stood at the end of the small patch of woods. The park was in a big area of grass with the woods at the back of it. It was one of those tiny parts of London that had been allowed to stay natural.

I reached up and tied my long blonde hair into a ponytail. My fringe always flopped into my eyes and it did my head in. My mother bugged me about getting it cut or growing it out, but I couldn’t be bothered with all that. I knew that I was pretty. My big eyes always attracted the creeps who walked around the shopping centre where I worked. I hated the attention. I’d be serving someone coffee, and all of a sudden, some idiot would grab my arse and wink at me. I’d almost been fired when I punched one of them in the face, but luckily my boss had been standing behind me. She was feminist, so I got away with a suspension. It was a nice couple of days off, considering I was the only one in our group that worked. The rest were lazy gits. I kept trying to make them get a job so we could go to the pub, but they weren’t having none of it.

‘Oh, stars up high in the sky, why are you so piss poor to me?’

Why was life so crap? My mother had a rubbish boyfriend and my older brother had managed to get away by going travelling. Sneaky git had robbed a high tech shop and then sold everything. Told me it was the only way that he’d be getting out of the crap-hole part of London. My bum grew cold as I sat staring at those mysterious flickers in the sky. Apparently they were gas from miles away that burnt millions of years ago. Yeah, alright mate.

I stood up and threw my fag butt on the floor. I supposed I’d better go back home and get some kip. I was thinking about going to sign up for college the next day, but would have to wait and see how I felt. If I couldn’t be bothered, I wouldn’t bother.

I dragged my size five trainers as I walked home. I was hoping everyone would’ve gone to bed. I couldn’t take another hit today. I would end up hurting someone. The eyes of the weird boy in the shop popped into my head. I didn’t usually bother with lads much. They always wanted too much from me. I wasn’t prepared to give them what they wanted no more. My mother had tried to teach me to respect myself. I’d lost my way a bit, but I was no longer gonna give myself to a random.

‘Hey, honey, come here please,’ she called as I crept in the back door. I went into the living room and felt my face screw up at the sight of them sitting side by side. He had his arm around her shoulder. It wasn’t really inappropriate but I didn’t need to see him touching my mother, thanks.

‘Whatttttsssssss upppppp?’

‘Natalie, stop it, will you? I need to tell you something.’ Her voice was quiet and I detected a note of nervousness. Oh crap, it better not be what I thought it was.

‘We got engaged tonight, darling.’

Much worse than I’d thought! That was just disgusting. Did that mean they were serious? Like having sex and everything? Balls, this was definitely turning into the shittiest day of the century!

‘Mum, that’s … ’ I couldn’t go on. Her eyes were hopeful, you know, almost pleading. Sad, really. What was it with parents? They were so irritating and it weren’t getting any better as I got older. First my dad buggered off when I was young and got married to the wicked witch of the South East. Now mother was marrying the dickest dick of Crapville.

‘Erm, well … today I went into town and Tommy was showing off. His mum came along and he started swearing at her, so she turned round and said … . “‘Tommy, don’t forget, son, my fanny was wrapped around your head once.’” We couldn’t stop laughing, how funny is that?’ I laughed hard, looking to see if they’d been impressed with my diversion tactic. Nope. My mum had tears hovering in her eyes and Richard, yes … . he really is a Dick … . didn’t look amused.

‘Whatever, Mum, as long as you’re happy, innit?’ I turned and walked out of the living room. I caught her look of relief. She knew me well enough to know that that was as good as she would get from me. I weren’t no good at much more. When I was young she would hug me, but since her breakdown, she wasn’t the hugger type no more. That was okay with me, though, I didn’t like it either.

Up in my room, I got into bed with my clothes on and put my earphones in. My mates liked rap but I was into rock music. I loved hearing the guitar riffs and pretended to strum along to them. Not that I would let anyone see me do it. A knock on my bedroom door caught my attention as I took an earphone out to have a drink. It was getting late and I was tired, but I knew I couldn’t ignore whoever was standing outside.

‘What?’ I called, turning my music off. Richard opened the door. His face was white and his piggy eyes were wider than usual. I’d only been up here five minutes, what was up with him? Eww, I really hoped …

‘You need to come downstairs. It’s your mum: she’s having one of her funny turns.’ His hands shook as he gestured behind him. I jumped up and followed him out of the room.

‘You’re joking? She’s not had one since you’ve known her. How can you know … ?’ My words trailed off as we entered the living room and I saw her. She was rocking and her eyes were fixed on the blank television screen in front of her.

‘What happened?’ I went over and sat next to her. It had been three years since I’d last seen her like this. She’d seemed fine when I’d gone to bed.

‘I’m not sure. When you went, she looked at me and smiled. She said that you meant that it would be okay. Then her eyes just glazed over and she started to do this … I don’t know … ’

‘It’s the stress of getting engaged. You know she can’t deal with anything outside her normal routine. Although … she shouldn’t be this bad, unless … ’ I broke off and went into the kitchen. Opening one of the top drawers I picked out her medication packets. Oh, shit! The stupid woman hadn’t been taking them. I rushed back into the room.

‘Mum, why have you not been taking your meds?’

Richard was sitting in the arm chair, away from her. He was as white as she was. Both their faces looked like they’d been painted as bloody ghosts at Halloween.

‘Oh, Nat, I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, grabbing my hand and pulling me to sit next to her. Her gaze pleaded with me. The last time this had happened, I’d had to call the bloody ambulance, hadn’t I? My mates had hounded me, saying that I’d carted my mother off to the loony bin. Weren’t the case though, was it? They didn’t have a bloody clue. I shook my head to clear the taunting words. I looked back at my mum. Her gaze had wandered back to the screen. She was obviously teetering on the edge of madness and I hadn’t noticed. Didn’t want to notice was probably more like it. Well, great … now she was gone … hit rock bottom … like a stone when it’s thrown into a lake. Okay, I had to turn into the detective. I had to put turn my brain on and suss her out. How far gone was she? I was tempted not to bother. Tempted to tell Dick to stop being a dick and ring an ambulance. I wanted to hightail it out of there. Run away to my rock and take a nap on it. But, I couldn’t, could I? What would that make me … ? It would make me the daughter from hell and a bitch of a brat that didn’t help her mum when she was in need. I would also become the bastard of a bitch if I sent her into the hospital again. What to do, what to do?

‘Dick, I mean Richard,’ I started, standing up. My mum pulled me back down, her head starting to shake from side to side.

‘Yes?’ He looked like he might run any minute. Silly git, did he not realise this is what he’d have to deal with if he married her? When she was on her meds my mum was lovely. She was happy and confident. She was pretty and kind. It was her true nature. As soon as she was off them though, she was a crazy woman. Like the ones you see in the scary films. Okay, not quite that bad, but it had felt like that as a kid.

‘Can you go and get the address book that’s on the kitchen table?’ It was a simple task as I had a feeling this bloke wasn’t gonna be able to do much here. Why did Darren have to bugger off abroad? How comes he got away with not seeing our mother like this? Life was such a bitch and I was the bastard having to deal with it.

‘Here you are,’ he said, handing me the floral book. It held all the important phone numbers. I thumbed through it, trying to decide who was best to call. It then dawned on me. What idiot mental health worker would be up at this time of night? It was gone midnight!

‘Will she be okay?’ he spoke in a low tone.

I looked up and nodded. I couldn’t babysit him as well. He would just have to grow a pair and get on with it. Actually, the sooner they got married the better. Bye bye mental health duties … Hello freedom.

‘Are you going to call someone?’

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. I could feel the shaking of my mum’s body as it rattled the sofa underneath us. Why had I not noticed? She really wasn’t good. I felt bad then. A knot in my stomach got tighter and I tried to swallow. Okay, stop worrying about it, and get on with it, woman.

‘I think we’re gonna have to call an ambulance,’ I muttered.

‘No, no, no, don’t do it … please … ’ Her fingers twisted around themselves as she snatched her hand from me and kneaded them together.

Oops, I’d broken the cardinal rule. Don’t mention an ambulance until you’ve calmed her into the idea. Her trust in me was balancing on a pin-head as she shot quick glances between us.

‘Mum,’ I soothed, taking her hand again and stroking it. ‘You’re not well and you need some help.’

‘You can help me, Natalie. You can help me … . please,’ she said quietly, as her gaze swung towards the door. I knew she was expecting the government or something to come in and take her away.

‘Mum, I can’t. You’ve got to get some professional help. Richard will come with you and look after you.’

I heard him take a breath in but he didn’t say a word. That was wise, or I might have bitten his head off and shit down his throat. The man had to cope with this. It was too late to back out now. Idiot. I looked at him, and give him his due, he nodded firmly at my mum when she glanced at him.

‘If Richard comes with you, will you go and get some help so you can get better?’ I was the mother talking to the child. The child being condescending to the adult. I hated it. I hated it with every part of my, not so bad, a little bit curvy, but still slim body. She looked at me and nodded. A tiny bit of her was still there with us. I knew that cos she kept glancing at her fiancé. I was gonna have a step dad. That just didn’t sound right. If she’d completely gone, she wouldn’t know who he was. Still, she was gone enough to go to hospital. If it hadn’t been the middle of the night, I would’ve called the emergency team … Oh, hold on. Stupid girl - emergency meant you could call them in an emergency. I sure as hell thought that this was a bloody emergency. I could still call them. I jumped up to make the call and noticed my mum flinch.

‘Sorry, Mum, listen, I’m gonna go see if we can get the emergency team out to you, all right?’

She nodded again, over and over and over. Her gaze went back to the TV and stayed there. Walking into the kitchen, I let the breath leave my lungs. I sure as hell wouldn’t miss this part of my life. I picked up the phone and rang the team. I couldn’t believe it. They answered and told me that they’d be round within the hour. What had happened to the mental health system? They’d been the crappiest thing ever three years before. They must have had a brain transplant at the top and realised that people were still human, even if they were off their trolley. Going back into the living room, I stopped dead in the doorway. Not literally dead, obviously, or I would’ve dropped to the floor and I didn’t. There on the sofa, sat Dick. He was sitting close to her and she was letting him hold her hand. She wouldn’t look at him and her body hadn’t stop vibrating like a washing machine, but she was allowing him to be there. I’d never seen such a thing. Even when Darren had been here, she’d always pushed him away, saying that men were horrible and that her son was into dodgy things. Okay, so it may have been true, but to push your own son away, well … she was ill, innit? That’s probably why he’d sodded off.

‘The emergency team are on their way. They’ll probably give her an injection or make her take tablets or something. Either way, they’ll deal with it.’ I sat on the arm of the chair, trying not to look at the fear that etched itself on my mother’s face.

‘I can’t believe I didn’t notice that she wasn’t taking her meds,’ Dick said looking at me.

‘Well, I’m assuming that you ain’t ever had to deal with someone who’s a - who’s got a mental illness?’

Stupid man, I didn’t know anyone else who had a mother who was crazy sometimes.

‘No, I haven’t,’ he replied smiling at me. It weren’t a big smile, just one of those embarrassed- looking ones. I thought that he was a bit of a weirdo, but he seemed to be plucking up some courage from that small chest of his. He turned to my mum and started to stroke her hand. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. I got up and let a tall lady into the house.

‘That was quick,’ I said as I showed her into the living room.

‘I only live a few streets away, darling, so I could dash right over. Now then, this must be Sally. Hello darling, how are you feeling?’ Her hair was dyed red and her long nails were painted pink. She wore a bright orange jacket and trainers. I wondered if they’d sent someone who’d been in the bin with Mum before. Maybe they were low on staff and gave us someone who knew what mum was going through … literally.

‘I’m fine,’ Mum replied, not looking away from her favourite staring spot. The lady glanced at me and smiled. I saw the usual look of pity and it took all my strength not to extend my fist into her face. Why is it that social services or mental health workers always stare at the children with that look in their eyes? As if to say, ‘Poor, child, got a potty mum and no dad. She hasn’t got no hope.’

‘I’m Linda, darling, how long has she been like this?’ Linda sat on the floor in front of the sofa with her legs crossed. Luckily she had trousers on. Most SS workers wore skirts. I would’ve had to heave if Linda had flashed us.

‘Well, Linda Darling, I came home from a night out. She seemed alright. She told me that they’d just got engaged. I went upstairs and then BAM!’ I shouted the last word, making my mother jump. She glanced at me and then looked straight back to her spot. I ducked my head. What an idiot. That really weren’t appropriate behaviour. Although I had to bite my lip to stop a laugh, cos Linda had really jumped when I’d done it.

‘Sally, dear, how about we take you to the crisis house? You’ve been there before, so you know you’ll be safe. What do you think?’ She crouched in front of mum and took her hands. She looked straight into her eyes and gave her the best ‘You can trust me’ look I’ve ever seen. Maybe she weren’t a crazy old bat then, just an eccentric weirdo. I was starting to like Linda Darling. My mother nodded and I let my breath huff out. Thank Matthew, Mark, Luke and Jonathon, that she’d agreed. I knew she’d prefer to go to a house that would put her up for the night. The hospital was too extreme and I was so pleased that she weren’t going there. I hated visiting. Lots of nutty people in one place … it was bloody scary.

‘Fantastic. You’ll be safe, sweetie. I’ll just let them know that we’re coming and we’ll go, shall we?’ Linda went out into the kitchen and I walked over to mum. I copied weirdo lady by crouching in front of her and holding her hand.

‘You sure you wanna go?’

She nodded and tried to smile. The fake expression brought a lump to my throat. I swallowed it quick and smiled back at her. My eyes started to burn, so I escaped upstairs to pack her an overnight bag. The team would assess her in the morning to see if she had to stay. I had to hand it to them, they’d responded quickly. Even if the worker was as nuts as the patients she dealt with. I came back downstairs again. Linda had made mum stand up. Her shoes were on and her coat was being pulled around her. Luckily it was the summer, so it weren’t that cold out. I handed Linda the bag and they started towards the door. Mum didn’t say goodbye. She didn’t make eye contact. She didn’t even look at us when she was in the car waiting for Linda to drive her away. Those bloody tears were gonna get a beating if they threatened any more.

‘She’ll be okay, then?’ Richard asked.

‘Yeah, she’ll be fine. Just give her a few weeks back on her meds and she’ll be herself again.’

I stood in the doorway. As I was eighteen, Linda hadn’t needed to worry about me but I weren’t letting Richard sleep in the house when my mother weren’t even here.

‘Right, well … is it okay if I head home?’

The lines on his face almost made me crack up. If I wasn’t feeling like a great big girl that would burst out with wimpy tears any moment, I would’ve laughed hard.

‘Yes, that’s fine, Dick … I mean Richard.’

He nodded and turned to go.

‘Richard, I just wanted to say … yeah … it was good that you stayed. You know. Most men would’ve walked five hundred miles. Credit that you stayed. Just wanted to say that … ’

He nodded again, but didn’t say anything. I was so bloody glad. It was bad enough being nice to the man as it was. I closed the door as he climbed into his car. Thank you world for getting that sorted quickly, but I effing hate you world, for letting it happen in the first place. It was always a cruel reminder of what my shitty life was like, and had been like, since I was a young girl. Bloody chemicals in the brain … why couldn’t the arse wipe scientists find a cure for it, then? They were all so clever with their degrees and science malarkey. Why couldn’t they make my mum stable for the rest of her life? Didn’t they realise how painful it was to cart your own mum away? Against her wishes? Bet none of them had a clue. Feeling majorly pissed at the world and everyone in it, I went up to bed and tried to sleep. Eventually Linkin Park rocked me into a light slumber.

Chapter Three

Serving up coffee was what I was made for. That’s what the sperm from my absent father had decided as it climbed its way into my mother’s womb. This child is going to serve coffee for a living and get gawped at by spotty teenagers and laughed at by Barbie doll girls. Yep, my calling in life was amazing. Even my old head teacher smirked every time he came shopping and stopped for a latte. Latte, sir … ? Would you like some spit with that? Me? No, of course I wouldn’t do that. Didn’t I just say that I was the best coffee server, ever … in the whole wide world? Coffee servers don’t spit in teacher’s coffee … they just use gone off milk instead.

‘Can I have a mint hot chocolate, please?’ A soft male voice asked. I didn’t look up from the till as I typed in his order.

‘You want cream?’

‘No thanks, don’t like the stuff.’

‘Me neither, bloody gross.’ I looked up to smile at my fellow cream hater and paused. Those eyes, they were the ones that had stared at me when we was robbing the shop yesterday. Oh crap, he was so gonna grass me up. I bet he’d seen me working and decided to tell my manager that I was a low life thief that didn’t even deserve to serve shitty coffee. Well … hot chocolate in this case.

‘Yeah, it’s bloody gross,’ he laughed, handing me a fiver. I tried to smile, but I knew my eyes were wide and I just looked goofy. I gave him his change and turned to Collette, my colleague, to ask her to do the drink.

‘So, how was your evening last night?’

I gulped. He winked. What game was he playing? He was such a weirdo. Did he think he could bribe me or something?

‘It didn’t quite go to plan,’ I said, grabbing a cloth and wiping the counter. No one was waiting in line, so I couldn’t even distract myself by taking orders.

‘No? That’s a shame.’ He let the corners of his lips lift and I wondered if he was taking the piss. Collette handed him his drink. He nodded at us and walked over to one of the tables.

‘You know him? He’s not bad looking,’ Collette said, taking the cloth out my hand and going over to wipe his table. She started chatting to him and they laughed together. Was he good looking? I weren’t so sure. He had very dark cropped hair. All the boys seemed to go for that type of hair style. I found it boring, to be honest. His features were all perfect. Nothing was unusual or out of place. I usually found it intriguing when a person looked a bit different. It added to their character when they weren’t perfect looking. I tended to notice a boy more when they weren’t drop dead gorgeous. Plus he had rubbish clothes on. He wore camouflage trousers and a black T-shirt that was too baggy. Did he think he was in the army or something?

Anyway, I wasn’t gonna stand here and watch them flirting. I walked out back and grabbed my phone. Coming back through, I shouted to Collette to tell her I was taking my lunch break. I didn’t look up as I started down the escalator and walked out of the shopping centre. I breathed deep as I dodged the shoppers and went into the tiny park. It was right in front of the centre and was the only refuge I found from the rushing shoppers. Sitting on a bench, I dialled my mum’s mobile.

‘Hi, Mum, it’s me,’ I said.

‘Hi, Natalie, how are you doing?’ Her tone was formal. That meant they’d given her a huge dose of meds.

‘I’m good, Mum, what about you?’ I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of a bustling London.

‘Yeah, I’m okay, love, how are you?’ she replied.

‘Good, are you staying there again tonight?’

‘Yes, but I want to come home,’ she said in an emotionless voice.

‘Well you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Mum. If you stay there for a few days you’ll feel so much better.’ I hated having this power over someone. How long had it been since someone had looked after me? The thought popped into my head and I tried to push it away. Life weren’t like that … well, my life weren’t anyway.

‘Yes, okay, I’ll stay here if you want me to.’

‘It’s not that I want you to, Mum, I just want you to get better, yeah?’ That bloody lump started to come up my throat again. I couldn’t handle this. I just couldn’t … I froze as I felt a hand settle over mine. I’d been clenching my free hand on the edge of bench next to me. Glancing to my left I saw weirdo boy sitting there. I’d been so wrapped up in my convo on the phone that I’d not seen him sneak up on me. Snidey git. He smiled at me and I got the feeling that he knew what I was going through. I almost snatched my hand away, but he applied pressure and I realised that my mum had replied. I swallowed and looked away from those blue eyes.

‘Sorry, mum, say that again,’ I said, leaving my hand where it was, even though it tingled slightly.

‘Yes, you want me to get better,’ she whispered. I felt stuck. Did I carry on this personal convo with the boy listening? It’s not like I could cut my mother off. She was in such a vulnerable place as it was.

‘Do you wanna get better?’ I tried to say it quietly but I saw him look at me out the corner of my eye.

‘Yes.’

‘I’ll tell you what. I’ll get Richard to come see you today, yeah? And then we’ll see how you feel tomorrow and you can probably come home. What do you reckon?’ I got distracted as the boy’s fingers found their way between mine, pulling my hand from the bench and holding it in his.

‘Yes, love, that sounds nice,’ she replied.

‘Okay, I’ll ring Richard now.’ My mouth was so dry by this point that I kept slapping my tongue against the roof of it. Bloody boy, what did he think he was bloody well doing? So bloody nosy and how dare he take my hand …

‘Okay, bye.’ The phone went dead. She always did that when she was ill. Ended conversations abruptly and without notice. It always made me feel as empty as a fully drunken bottle of wine.

‘You okay?’ His voice broke the daydream and I took my hand away from his.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I went to stand but he got up first.

‘Calm down, I’ll leave you to it … but, first … ’ He held his hands up in surrender. I stayed where I was, my legs ready for action if he came near me again. What was it with this boy? He wasn’t acting like he fancied me. He flirted with Collette more than he did me, so why was he here, listening to my convo and trying to do … what? Give me comfort or something? He was such a weirdo.

He was watching me, his hands still in the air.

‘What?’ I put on my harshest tone.

‘You really do have a choice.’ With that, he spun and walked away at such a pace that there was no way I was gonna try to catch up to him. I weren’t gonna embarrass myself by tottering along behind him. Not that I would totter cos I was wearing trainers, but still, I wasn’t gonna run after him. What did he mean, I had a choice? He’d said that to me in the shop last night too. What the hell did he mean? I got up. Something made my legs start to pump hard. I was eating the distance between us, wondering what the bloody hell I was doing, when I came right up behind him.

‘What do you mean, I have a choice? Are you some sort of psycho or something?’ I was huffing. I was so unfit. I’d danced when I was a kid but that dream had long been washed away with the literal craziness of the world and beyond. Not that I knew if there was actually anything beyond.

He stopped and looked at me. He had a huge grin on his smug mouth. I was tempted to lay a little of my own smugness on his pink lips. I held tight to my clenched fist to stop myself. My self-control was getting better and better.

‘No, I’m not a psycho and I mean exactly what I say - You have a choice.’ He started to walk again.

I was torn. Should I follow him and look like a desperate cow or should I give him the finger and go back to work?

‘Think about it for me,’ he shouted over his shoulder.

Well, that gave me the answer. I stuck my middle finger high in the air. Much to my little brain’s amazement, he threw his middle finger back at me, without even turning around. How did the idiot even know I was doing that? I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing as he disappeared out the park and I headed back to work. If I ever saw him again, I was gonna … well … I wasn’t sure yet, but I’d find some sort of punishment for the cocky shitebag.

Chapter Four

Did I really wanna be here? The room was stuffy and the other kids glanced at me as I flicked through the book. I couldn’t say the word … it began with a P. It was some sort of catalogue for the courses they did here.

College. Did I really wanna go? At eighteen it was free for me, so I supposed that it might be a good idea. Then again, I was no brainy person and what the bloody hell did I wanna do? I looked down at the book. Hairdressing … ? Nah, far too girly for me. Woodwork … ? Er, nope. Massage … ? Eww, I wouldn’t wanna touch wobbly flesh on grannies’ bodies. No way, José. Photography … ? Like bloody hell I could afford a camera. What did they think I was? A princess with enough money to swan around snapping at random crap … ? Strange profession I always thought. Art. Hmm. Now I’d always liked doodling on my workbooks at school. The teachers almost clipped me around the ear cos they thought that I’d ruined them, but everyone else, was like, ‘that’s wicked, Nat mate, you should do some painting or somefink’. Again, I was too poor to buy all the materials, but I wondered. I dared to draw a circle around the word Art in the book. What the hell I would do after the course, however, I had no idea. What jobs could you get as an artist? Scam artist? I giggled and noticed that a few of the girls were glaring at me, while the boys were ogling. For effing sake. I only had my work uniform on. My hair was tied up and the only make up on my face was a bit of mascara. Did I have an extra head? Or an extra tit … ? What was it with people staring at me?

‘Hey, Nat, I weren’t sure if you were gonna come,’ Tiff greeted me as she walked in the door. She was signing up to be a beautician. She was dying to get her hands on my eyebrows. She said that although they were a little bit like slugs at the moment, three minutes with her and they would be the best eyebrows anyone in the city had ever seen. Like bloody effing balls I was gonna let her near my face with evil silver pinchers. The one and only time that I’d tried to pluck my eyebrows, I’d almost punched myself! I couldn’t think of anything more painful. Bastard things were evil and I was never allowing them near my face again. The slugs were free to rein supreme. They might even put off some of the predators. Luckily, all eyes had turned to Tiff. She was in her tight jeans, low-cut top and not much else. She was very feminine and always plastered the make up on. I sometimes joked that when she scraped it off at night, she should put the residue into the recycling bin. She’d hit me the first time I said it. Now she just runs her fingers over her own eyebrows and mouths ‘Slugs’. I don’t care though, it always makes me laugh.

‘I weren’t sure if I was gonna come either,’ I said, standing up.

‘Where you going … ?’ Tiff plonked herself down on one of the plastic chairs.

‘For a fag,’

‘Oh, no you don’t. You need to stay here.’ Tiff grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back down on the chair.

‘Oi, oi!’ A male voice shouted from outside the room. The door bashed open, making us all jump. Standing on the other side was Jack and Tommy. I rolled my eyes at the dickheads. They were standing with traffic cones on their heads. The other students all shrunk in their seats. They started to look down at their phones.

‘Hey, sexy lady,’ Tommy sang as he wandered in and stood in front of an attractive girl. Her wide eyes made me laugh. Although he was alright looking, Tommy was way too intimidating for most girls, so they never went out with him.

‘Hey, not so sexy ladies,’ he sang, winking at us. I stuck my middle finger up at his smirking face.

‘Eff off, Tommy, you arsehole.’

I really wanted to leave now. I always cringed when these guys were around other people. Especially somewhere like this. If I was gonna come here, I didn’t need to be associated with the lads. They were my best friends and we’d been close for so long that I felt bad even thinking it, but the truth whispering inside my head was that I was starting to struggle with them. My mum had always taught me to be respectful and that was difficult when I was with these guys. I sort of followed them cos they were my safe haven, but deep down I knew what we did was wrong.

‘Arse … ?’ Tommy pulled down his jeans at the back and danced his bare arse around the room. People were tutting and one girl got up and left. I stood to do the same.

‘Where you going, girly … ?’ Tommy said putting his arm around my shoulders. I shrugged him off and slapped his arse … hard.

‘For a fag,’ I laughed as he jumped up and down rubbing his now red arse cheek.

‘I’ll join you,’ Jack said, following me as I walked out the building.

‘He can be such a knob sometimes,’ Jack said, as he handed me a fag and lighter.

‘Thanks. Yeah, but that’s just him, innit?’ I sat on a bench. People were coming in and out, going about their nice day. I bet they had lovely happy homes. I bet their parents paid for them to come here and learn all the stuff they needed so that they could grow up and have wonderful adulthoods too. Lucky gits.

‘Yeah I know, it’s just sometimes, I dunno … ’ He blew smoke rings and we watched them fade away.

‘We gotta stick with our own, Jack. That’s what we’ve always said, innit?’ What an effing hypocrite I was. What a bitch. Not two minutes ago I was pondering on the immaturity of Tommy and his arse, and now I was preaching to Jack cos he was saying the same thing.

‘You signing up for anything?’ Jack had a soft heart. He was Tommy’s right hand man. His shadow … . his puppet.

‘Nah, I ain’t cut out for anything in there.’ I glared at a girl as I caught her eyeing up Jack. She rolled her eyes at me and I went to stand up.

Tommy came out of the building, walked over to her and grabbed her arm.

‘You eyeing up my boyfriend … ?’ His face was serious as she ripped her arm out of his grip and ran away.

‘Why’d you both do that, man? I could’ve pulled there. You guys are not cool! Why ain’t we allowed to have other friends or even a girlfriend? Ain’t like you and Tiff will have sex with us, is it?’ Jack was standing, looking down at me. Tommy sat next to me and threw his arm around my shoulder. I left it there. He was no threat when he was sober.

‘Eww, no way, José. No offence, dude, but we’re like family. That’s why I get so peed off when Tommy gets touchy-feely when he’s drunk. It’s like incest.’ Get in there. I’d shocked them with my words. Jack had his mouth open and the hand that Tommy had been using to tap on my arm went completely still. Slowly the weight fell away from my shoulder and I had to burst out laughing.

‘You’re sick, woman,’ Jack chuckled. It was nice to see Tommy speechless, even if it was just for a moment.

‘You really feel that way, Nat?’ Tommy said, his face serious for once in his life.

‘You’re like my brother, man,’ I huffed, standing up and walking away. I heard Jack tell Tommy to leave me alone. I was done for today. I carried on walking, my steps gathering speed as I walked across the car park.

‘Yo, Nat, I can’t be your brother cos I shagged your mum last night!’ Tommy shouted at me. I spun round. My face burned and a red haze settled over my sight.

‘Well then you should be fucking arrested, cos she’s off her fucking head so you must have raped her!’ I screamed the words at the top of my lungs and then ran. I let my legs carry me as fast as I could. I had no idea what direction I was going. Tears joined the red haze and clouded my vision. The only thing stopping me from running towards Tommy and beating the shit out of his ugly face was the pity that Id’ see when they looked at me. My lungs started to burn. I was heading towards my rock. No one knew that place. No one knew that I went there. I would be safe. The energy was starting to leave me. The anger was seeping out from the soles of my feet. What a tosspot arsehole. I was sick and tired of that idiot. The words he’d said floated back into my mind and gave me enough anger to spurt me forward again. I ducked through the playing field and on towards the trees that lined it. Slipping through the gap, I entered the little wood. It was just a small area of trees, but I always felt calmer as soon as I got under the shade.

Why the hell had I said that? Why had I told them? It had been a while since my mum had been ill, but last time they’d all been so nice. What’s the point of that? It’s life, innit? Just get on with it. I collapsed on my rock. I let the tears come. There was no way of stopping the little gits from bursting from me. I couldn’t hold it in. What was I gonna do? I was gonna have to stay with my mum forever. Dick didn’t know how to tell the difference between a normal person who picked their nose, to a mad person who used a knife to do it. Not that my mum did that, but he was so stupid he wouldn’t know what to look for. Would my life ever change?

I wiped my face. The feeling that settled in my chest ate away at the organ that insisted on beating. Sometimes I wondered if I’d ever have the guts to make it stop. I shook my head. I was too much of a wimp to do something like that. Who would look after mum if I was gone? I stood up. It was time to head home. I needed a nice hot bath with a book to read. Some escapism was called for.

Chapter Five

‘Did you manage to have a think about what I said?’

I recognised weirdo’s voice before I even looked up from the magazine. I was on my lunch break at work. Sometimes I caught up on the latest celeb gossip while I drank a lovely hot chocolate. Mint was my favourite, so I always doubled the shot. I was just debating whether to ignore him and pretend that I hadn’t heard him when he grabbed the magazine and pulled it away.

‘Hey, what you doing that for … ?’

He took it over to the bin and shoved it in. I sat with my mouth catching flies. Seriously, that’s how shocked I was. What the bloody hell did he think he was playing at? If that had been someone else, I would’ve hit them. But, no … not him. For whatever reason, I let him treat me like an idiot.

‘Your brain needs better stimulation than that crap,’ he said, sitting down and picking up my drink.

‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ I cried, reaching out and taking it back, being careful not to spill it. He laughed and leant forward.

‘So?’

‘So, what … ?’ I drank the rest of my chocolate in one go. The git wasn’t getting the better of me again.

‘You have a choice, Natalie,’ he whispered. I looked around us. No one was in hearing distance; Collette was busy making coffee.

‘Look, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be thinking about. Yes, I have a choice. I can choose to get up and walk away from you right now. I can choose to punch you in the face for throwing away my mag and I can choose to … to … ’

‘So why don’t you?’ He sat back and crossed his arms over his, probably smooth, chest as he watched me. He was wearing jeans and a red hoody today. Nice and casual.

‘Cos I can’t be arsed.’

‘Is that why you don’t change anything else?’ He raised his eyebrows. Tiff would have a field day with those eyebrows. They were bigger than my slugs and twice as dark. I know men were supposed to have big eyebrows compared to women, but I needed to try and make myself feel better. What was this boy going on about? I wondered if he was staying at the crisis house with my mother. Maybe they’d concocted a plan. I wouldn’t know what plan they’d come up with though, cos I wasn’t getting his motive if I was really bloody honest with myself. And I hardly ever was. Honesty can be a harsh reality if you let it in. I prefer to bury it in the ground with a shovel and a cross. Where the bloody hell had this boy come from, anyway? What made him think he knew so much about my life?

‘Bugger off, will you?’ I smiled nicely at him to try and persuade him that I weren’t interested in whatever the hell he was going on about. He cringed slightly. I don’t think he’d ever seen me smile. He was probably wincing because I didn’t know how to smile, so I’d probably just pulled a strange face at him. Oh well, I didn’t care. This boy was starting to bore my brain out.

‘No. You have a choice to live life the way you want to. You chose to rob a shop,’ he whispered the last part of the sentence, which was a bit of luck, cos my foot would’ve slammed into his shin otherwise.

‘Look … ’

‘You choose to work here every day. You choose to be the parent to your mum.’ He grabbed my fist and held it tight just as I was about the extend it. ‘You have the choice to feel sorry for yourself and to believe that the world isn’t fair. You have the choice to think that everyone is out to get you, to push everyone away and to lay the blame of your shit life on everything else. Everything else, bar you. See, you have a choice.’

He let go of my hand and stood. I knew my face was red. I could feel my breath coming in deep. A burning sensation started from the top of my head and flushed its way down my body. Just then my group came in. They laughed and joked as they headed towards the counter. Tiff saw me and waved.

‘Now have a think about what I’ve said,’ the boy said. I didn’t even know this bastard’s name. How dare he? I started to shake. He turned and walked out the shop. The others came and sat at my table.

‘You okay, Nat? You’re looking a bit peed off.’ Jack shoved a slice of cake into his mouth and started chewing.

‘You’re fucking gross,’ I said, jumping up. I was about to walk off when Tommy grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back onto my chair.

‘Oh, no, you don’t. Look, I wanted to say sorry. I didn’t know, did I? If I’d known your mum weren’t that good, I’d never have said a thing, Nat. You know that!’ He was sincere, I could hear it. My anger melted and he pulled me into his arms and let me rest my head on his shoulder.

‘We’re a family, girl, you know it. There ain’t no need to hide from any of us.’ The others nodded their agreement. I smiled at them. They were right. They were my family and they’d always been there through thick and thin. None of us had a normal home so we’d always tried to support each other. I’d started to forget that recently for some reason. It was time I fit back into my group.

‘There you go, girl, feel better? We was thinking about going clubbing tonight. What you reckon?’ Tommy pushed me away from him and pulled a fag out of his pocket. Lighting it up, he sneered at Collette as she went to come over.

‘Put it out, man, or I’ll lose my job!’

‘Nah, you won’t. I’d burn the place down if you do,’ he said in a loud voice. I grabbed it from his fingers and stubbed it out on the plastic table. I glared at him as he went to say something.

‘This is home turf, dude! I need to feed myself, innit?’ I pushed past him to go and apologise to my colleague, who was looking a little red on her creamy cheeks.

‘Okay, okay, sorry … ’ Tommy stood and gestured for everyone else to follow. They all left, telling me to meet them later. That boy could be funny but not when it was in my own shop. Usually I would have laughed at his antics, but the words of the cute boy … .Cute? Who said that? Not me, no, I meant the words of the weirdo, came back to me. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, cheeky bugger. Life was shite and unfair. I bet he’d never had a problem in his life. He was lucky. Usually I saw red and punched the crap out of people who dared to rile me up that way.

‘Why do you hang around with them, Natalie?’ Collette broke into my thoughts and I turned back to the till to serve a customer. Lar-tay … ooo, err, missus. She’d even pronounced it posh and everything. I handed the lady her change and told her that we’d bring it over. I didn’t want her listening to my conversation. Nosy posh lady.

‘Cos they’re all I got, innit?’ I didn’t look at her. In fact, I’m not sure why I even bothered to answer her in the first place. She was just as nosy as nosy posh face who was now watching us from her table. Maybe she fancied me. I was just so god dammed sexy. I laughed to myself. Yeah, alright love. What was going on with my thought patterns?

‘Surely not, you’re a great person. You must have some friends who are nice … ’ Her words trailed off as I looked at her. She must have seen the threat in my eyes, cos she hurried away with the recent order. What was it with peeps criticising my choice of friends today? If I wasn’t careful, I’d see red and fly at whoever spoke to me next. Why weren’t people just leaving me the hell alone?

Chapter Six

‘What the hell are you doing with that?’ I shouted at Tommy. We were standing outside the club. We’d just been thrown out for fighting. The lad that Tommy had started on was standing in front of us. The bouncers had literally bounced back inside the club as soon as we were out of it.

I’d just noticed that Tommy had a knife in his hand and I was shitting bricks. It had been fun to get into a fight inside. I’d needed to release the pent up anger and the boy had grabbed Tiff’s arse, so he deserved a beating. We hadn’t got very far before we were interrupted by the bouncer brigade. This was a whole nother level, though. This was dangerous stuff.

‘No one messes with any of us,’ Tommy said, taking a step towards the boy. Out here I could see that he was our age. His hair was long and tied back. He was really good looking. I suppose that’s why he thought he could just grab our girl. Well, he shouldn’t get away with that, but he didn’t deserve to be shafted.

‘Don’t be stupid, Tommy,’ Tiff called. She stepped back a few times, almost tripping in her stupidly high heels. Why did girls wear them? They couldn’t walk or run in them. They killed your bloody feet and all in the name of what? Height … ? Bloody idiots.

‘He needs to get what he deserves. He’ll just do it again, otherwise.’ Tommy took another step. The boy wasn’t backing down, but his gaze stayed attached to the blade that flashed in the street light.

‘Boy, you’ll go to jail. Don’t do this, man.’ Jack tried to keep his voice low. Even his own best boy couldn’t support our leader in his ridiculous quest.

‘Shut the fuck up, will you?’ Tommy screamed. The boy threw his middle finger up and turned to run away. Wrong thing to do, stupid twat! Tommy flew into motion. He was the fastest runner I knew. He’d never bothered when we were at school and had got chucked out. I sometimes thought it was a shame that he didn’t get into sport … he was really good at it. I panicked and froze. Shit, the kid was gonna get it. Tiff screamed and I heard her start to run away. I couldn’t find it in myself to believe that Tommy wouldn’t use the knife on him. Two seconds later my fears were confirmed. I saw my mate descend on the boy. His arm thrust out: the blade was there one minute and hidden in clothes the next. The grunt and cry that came from the lad made me heave. Oh my effing god, Tommy had just stabbed him. Tommy spun around, grabbed Jack who was standing nearby and ran. The boy fell to the ground. I stood motionless as I watched his limbs collapse beneath him.

‘Come on, Nat, get the fuck out of here,’ Jack shouted. I saw them disappearing down the dark street. Tommy was pulling Jack along by his coat. They thought I was following them, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. He was completely still on the floor. My weirdo’s face flashed in my mind and I shook my head. Shit … I had a choice. I took my phone out and dialled for an ambulance. I ran over to the boy and turned him slowly. I knew I probably shouldn’t touch him but I wanted to lay him on my lap. The phone connected and I screamed at them to help. I told them where we were and then put my phone away. I had to get out of here before the ambulance came. There was no way I could tell them what went on. I put my hand on the boy’s chest and felt the slight rise and fall. Good, he was still breathing. He opened his eyes and looked at me. His face screwed up and he grasped his side. I pushed him gently off my lap and onto the floor.

‘Why did you stay?’ he gasped, groaning. I stood up and looked down at him. Quite a bit of blood was seeping onto his t-shirt. What the bloody hell did I do? I heard footsteps approaching. Crap, I was out of here.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. I took one last look at him and turned away. I sprinted as fast as I could, not looking back. I hoped he would be okay. I was sure that the footsteps would find him and help him until the ambulance came. I couldn’t be there. What would I tell the police? I couldn’t dob Tommy in, but I was absolute rubbish at lying. I didn’t stop running until I got home. I didn’t look behind; I didn’t look to the sides. I just kept going. I was half way down my street when I realised that tears were streaming down my face and my phone was ringing. Putting my hand in my pocket, I pulled out my mobile and keys. I saw Tommy’s number on the screen and hesitated at my front door. I hit the green button at the same time as I was putting my key in the lock and going into the house. I didn’t speak until I had the door closed. I could hear Tommy calling my name through the speaker.

‘What … the … fuck … was … that?’ I said quietly. He went silent. I could feel the shock of my words hit his ear.

‘He deserved it, Nat,’ he said. His voice was quiet. I shook my head and walked into the kitchen. Sinking onto the wooden chair and leaning my forehead against the cool dining table, I let my breath huff out.

‘No he didn’t, Tommy. How dare you risk taking someone’s life? You have the power to play God now, do you? You decide if someone dies?’ I was shouting by now, my head lifted from the table. My hands were shaking and I struggled to keep the phone next to my ear. A slow red heat had started from my feet and was making its way up my body. The muscle vibrations were getting stronger and stronger. My vision was so blurred I just closed my eyes to let the water escape.

‘He’s dead? Shit, I killed him? Seriously … ? Oh, fuck, Nat, did the police come? Shit, I’m going to jail!’ his voice was rushed. That was it. The worry he felt for himself was the last straw. I screamed a huge long sound and flung my phone as hard as I could. It smashed against the cupboard door, the different parts of it exploding and raining down onto the floor. I was still screaming. I had my hands in the air, letting it all out. How dare he? How dare he? How dare he? What had he done? I didn’t care that I’d made him believe that the boy was dead. He might well be by now. I’d heard of people who were stabbed and seemed okay, but when they’d got to the hospital they’d died because of internal injuries. I hoped so much that the boy would be okay. I fell to the floor. The tension had left my body. The sobs kept coming. My eyes hurt from the salty water that refused to stop flowing. I was a heap on the floor. I had no one. The boy who I saw as my family had done something that made me sick to my stomach. What was I doing?

There he was again. The boy who’d told me that I had a choice. Suddenly I knew had to speak to him. I had to know what his secret was. He seemed to know what he was talking about, didn’t he? What was going on with my life? My mum was mental. I was feeling mental. Tommy was acting mental and now, there was a boy laid up in hospital and I’d had a part in that to. I had to speak to that boy. And soon.

Chapter Seven

I kept looking at the door whenever someone came through it. I knew that he would be in today. I dunno how I knew, but I just knew. The shop was quiet. The morning rush had been over for a while and I wasn’t even bothering to try and make myself look occupied. I leant against the counter, drawing a face in the spilt sugar with my finger. The door went again and I looked up. There he was. About bloody time, too. He grinned as soon as he saw me and raised his eyebrows as I came around the counter.

‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ I said, pausing as he walked straight past me and up to the counter. He turned to me and smiled again.

‘Can I have a hot chocolate, please?’

I glared at him. The cheek of it, how dare he just walk straight past me?

‘Only if you tell me your name … ’ It just came out. I was planning on being all stand-offish and hard to get. You know, trying to lure him in. Not that I wanted to lure him in in a fancy him kind of way. It was more of a, you know something and I want in on it, kind of way. If that makes sense. No, it didn’t to me either.

‘Scott.’ He bowed and I clenched my hand as it was about to reach out and hit him on the top of his head. I ignored him and went to make him a hot chocolate. When I turned around he was sitting over in the window booth. I told my colleague that I was going for my break. Sitting down, I handed him the drink.

‘Scott, I need to ask you something,’ I said, looking down at the table.

‘Yes, you can change your life.’ He sipped his chocolate and smiled at me. How could he be so cheerful all the time? The dimples in his cheeks were constantly showing. It wasn’t the question I was gonna ask, but the answer was something that made me think.

‘How … ?’ I hated asking. I felt a fluttering in my chest for some reason. I wasn’t sure why the thought of being able to change my life made me nervous. I didn’t believe him, anyway. Even if he gave me some ideas, I bet I wouldn’t be able to do any of them. I had no money or support. Not that I needed support anyway. I could do everything on my own.

‘By changing how you look at things, that’s how.’ He looked smug. As if he’d just imparted the biggest secret to life. What the bloody hell was he talking about? Idiot!

‘Look, Scott, this is serious, something … ’ I let my words trail off. I couldn’t tell him what had happened last night. The others were bound to be in to check on me soon.

‘I’m being serious, Natalie, life is a mind-set. It’s the way that you look at things that determines what’s gonna happen in your life.’ He was being serious. That smile was nowhere to be seen. The riddle confused me. He must’ve thought that I was really thick. It’s the way I looked at things …

‘So, I’m trying to grasp what you’re saying. The way I look at things … ’

‘Let me give you an example. Say someone you know is ill and has to go to hospital. Now, you can look at it two ways. You can think that it’s awful and really bad or you can choose to look at it differently. You can think, well, at least that person is going to get the help that they need to get better. You see what I mean?’

I had gone completely still. He was talking about my mum: I was sure. Usually by now my temper would have risen and I would’ve slapped him or something, but for some reason a little feeling inside stopped me. I wondered what it was. I’d never felt it before. He was watching me. His eyes were clear and so bloody positive. Why did he have to know exactly what he was talking about? He must have had a wonderful life, all fairy tales and pirates. I bet he’d never had a bad day in his life.

‘Have you ever had a bad time in your puny little life?’ I couldn’t help it. I had to hit out somehow. I knew I was glaring and consciously tried to clear my face.

‘Hasn’t everyone? No one is perfect, Natalie, even if I look like I am,’ he laughed. The red that crept up onto his cheeks made me smile. If he’d been that cocky in real life, I would’ve stood up and left him sitting there. The fact that he was blushing made me stay where I was. I couldn’t help it. A cute boy was blushing at my expense. Cute … ? Did I think he was cute? Quick, I needed to change it to stupid. The stupid boy was blushing.

‘Okay, so that seems like a good idea, but is it really that easy?’ My brain was on overload. I wasn’t the smartest book in the coffee shop so I was trying to grasp what he was saying without making a prat out of myself.

‘No, not when you’ve been trained to always think in a negative way. Not just with drastic situations like my example but with everyday life.’ He gestured around us, ‘Like that woman who’s just dropped a pound on the floor.’ He stood and retrieved the lost pound. He followed the woman and spoke to her. When he sat back down, he handed me the pound. I raised my eyebrows at him. I’m sure I saw him try to hand it back to her.

‘She said I could have it. You see, if she’d lost it, she’d probably have been really angry, but imagine if a homeless person found it. He could do with a pound much more than someone who can afford to come and have a coffee and slice of cake in here. If the woman chose to think that the pound probably went to someone who needed it more than her, she’d have peace of mind, rather than being angry. You get it?’

I could see his point. If a bad thing to me could be a benefit to someone else, then it wouldn’t be as awful as I’d originally thought. Hope … that’s what that emotion was. It started to tickle my belly and I felt myself trying to push it away. I’d not felt hope for many years.

‘What you said about my mum … I mean the person going into hospital … ’ the words were out of my mouth before I could bite them back. I flushed and looked down at the table. His hand came over mine and made me jump. I pulled away and looked directly into his face. I felt my wall come around me.

‘You can talk to me … ’

‘All I was gonna say was that it makes sense. Rather than seeing everything as if it’s bad, it’s better to try and see the good in it. What if there really isn’t any good in it, though?’ I thought about the boy that lay in my lap last night, his blood pissing out of his body and onto the floor. I coughed and shook my head.

‘There’s always something to learn in every situation that we find ourselves in. Life is a school and we’re just its students.’

‘Now you’ve gone all phily on me,’ I chuckled looking over at the time. Crap, I needed to get back to work.

‘Phily?’ He looked at the clock too and stood.

‘Yeah, you’ve gone all Socrates on me.’ I stood too.

He laughed and picked up his backpack.

‘Are you around after work? We could carry on with our conversation.’

‘I suppose so, yeah, but not for long, my mum’s back tonight.’ I looked at the floor.

‘How about I come to yours?’

‘But … ?’ What was he talking about? I’d just told him that my nuts mother would be back in the house that I lived in that night. I hardly knew the boy and he wanted to come to my house? To the shithole of a pit I slumbered in. That’s all I did in the bricks that surrounded the messy place. I must admit, I probably could do a bit more to help, but I couldn’t decorate everything. I’d done a spring clean in preparation for my mum coming home, though, so that was something.

‘Or we could meet in a park somewhere?’ He started to back away from me. He obviously needed to be somewhere and my colleague was waving at me so that she could go and take her break.

‘Do you know the children’s park on the Blackbird estate?’ It was near where I lived, but I felt safer being out in the open. Not safe from him, but safe from the embarrassment of this boy seeing my home.

‘Yeah, I’ll meet you there about four, okay?’

I nodded and he turned and rushed out of the door. He walked straight into Jack, who was coming in through it.

‘Watch where you’re going, man,’ Jack called as Scott mumbled an apology and carried on walking. ‘Jeysus, Nat, what type of clientele do you have in this here dump-hole?’

‘Shut it, Jack, you’re here ain’t you?’ I stood back behind the counter and took my mates’ orders. Tommy was jittery. His hands were all over the place. He started off with them tucked in his pockets, then rubbed his face, then his hair. He looked at me and gave me his, Yeah, what? look. I didn’t get the boy. He was starting to change into someone I didn’t recognise.

‘I’m sorry, babe, alright. I didn’t mean to,’ he stuttered his words, not looking into my eyes.

‘Have you managed to find anything out?’ I’d wondered about calling the hospital to see how the kid was doing, but I didn’t want to put myself in any danger. If the pigs found out I’d called, they’d probably be able to find out who I was.

‘Yeah, my mum rang and said that she was at the club and had seen the boy get chucked out and wanted to make sure he was okay. They told her that it was confidential. She got a bit hysterical, so they reassured her that he was alive and doing okay.’ Tommy was nodding as he spoke. He was obviously waiting to get caught. I still couldn’t look him in the eye. I passed them their drinks and they crowded round.

‘Nat, can I come see you tonight?’ Tiff looked just as bad as Tommy. Her hair was messy and her eyes were puffy. She was my oldest friend and the only one in the group who really knew my mum well.

‘Yeah, but not till later, about eight?’

Tiff nodded and went to sit at a table. Jack followed her. Tommy looked at me and then shook his head.

‘How did he look?’

‘How do you think he bloody looked?’ I sneered. My stomach started to knot and I felt my hands start to shake. I turned away and dumped a cup in the washing up bowl. I took a few deep breaths then went back to him.

‘Alright, I get that you’re angry, woman, but come on. I need you now, don’t I? We’re family, dude, and it’s time to stick together, ain’t it?’ He wiped his forehead and I saw a glimpse of the young boy I had made friends with at school. He didn’t have many friends and his confidence was on the floor. I wasn’t surprised, really. In the summer of that year we’d been ten and the boys were walking around with no T-shirts on. Tommy took his off one day and we all noticed the bruises on his back. His dad beat him, he’d told us that day. The man was a labourer, struggling to find work and he took his frustration out on Tommy and his brother. Like my brother Darren, Tommy’s brother had buggered off as soon as he’d had the chance. I softened as I remembered that lost little boy. Nothing had changed, only his age.

‘Don’t ever do anything like that again. I mean it, Tommy, he didn’t deserve it.’ I glared at him.

‘He did … ’

‘Really … ?’ I leant forward on the counter. My eyes were burning, I could feel them. He shook his head and looked down. So he should, little bugger. He was being a self-righteous wrong-doer, getting all defensive when he’d stabbed some dude up, good and proper.

‘No, he didn’t, alright? You happy now … ?’

‘No, you should send him some flowers,’ I giggled. I couldn’t help it. The puppy look on his face was making me feel sick, if I was honest. Tommy didn’t do, not so tough boy, well. He was much better at being a dickhead. He looked up at me and a small smile tried to find its way to his mouth.

‘Okay, and some grapes too, yeah … ?’ He winked at me and went to the table. I felt like I spent most of my time in this coffee shop. It was boring as hell and I couldn’t wait to finish my shift. The time ticked on and I wondered if my friends would go before I could. How would I explain to them that I was meeting another boy? Luckily, just as I was thinking this they stood up and came over.

‘We’re off now, Nat, see you tonight, yeah?’ Tiff said. She wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. As I’d watched them messing around, I could see that her whole body was stiff and she wasn’t joining in much. She must feel like I did about what happened last night. In fact, she probably felt worse, considering it was her arse that had started the whole thing.

‘Yeah, I’ll see you later.’ As they walked out I watched the boys joking around as they always did. I don’t remember ever seeing them being serious. Boys would be bloody boys.

Chapter Eight

‘You know you’re beautiful, right?’ It was a matter of fact question. He wasn’t giving me a compliment, he was just being factual. It made me feel a little tense. Did he think I was beautiful?

‘I don’t know about beautiful, but all the boys seem to give me attention,’ I replied. We were sitting on a bench in the park. Things were feeling a little too humdrum to me nowadays. All I ever seemed to see in my world was the park, my rock, the shite house I lived in and work. I’d had enough of it. Scott had his arms spread across the back of the seat. I sat at the other end facing him, with my legs crossed under me.

‘Now therein lies a problem,’ he muttered, letting his head fall back. The sun seemed to stroke the clear skin on his spotless face. How comes he had no spots? Most people our age were well spotty, but no, not him, he had perfect skin. It was so annoying. Why was he always the one asking questions? What about him? He was probably from a posh part of town and going to some top college.

‘What?’ I looked away from him and towards the swings. A couple stood there with their two young children. They kept caressing each other as they played with the kids. They were obviously madly in love and their children were glowing. I’d never seen anything like it. Well, not around here anyway. They must be a family from out of town or something. All happy and touchy and loving and cute and yuck, yuck, yuck …

‘You don’t love yourself.’

My gaze tore away from the grossness and landed on his. He’d turned to me, leaning closer. I pulled back slightly and looked down at the bench. What the bloody hell was he talking about?

‘No offence, but are you gay or something?’ Why would he say such a weird thing like that? I don’t love myself. Of course I did. Well, I think I did. To be honest as I sat here, I wondered if I even knew what the word love meant. He laughed and shook his head, going back to his relaxed position.

‘You said that I had the choice not to have the shitty life that I have. You said it as if it was my fault that my life is shit,’ I said, reaching up and taking my hair out of its band. My scalp was hurting like a bitch and I needed to release the pressure. I rubbed at my head to relieve the pain, not caring that it looked a mess.

‘What if there was no blame in the world? What if actually, it was no one’s fault?’

‘How can that be possible?’

‘What if your life wasn’t shit, but was actually just a way to teach you?’ He lifted his head again and grinned at me. It wouldn’t be long before I punched that smug little face.

‘You’re talking in riddles again, Scotty boy,’ I said, pushing his arm.

‘No, think about it. When something has happened in the past, we learn from it. For instance when we eat a chilli, we learn that it’s really hot and burns our mouth. If we like the sensation, we eat it again, if not, we leave well alone. When we hurt ourselves doing something, we tend not to do it again if we can help it. When someone we love is ill, we send them to hospital over and over again, because even though it feels horrible to us, we know that it’s the only thing that will make that person well.’ He tried to put his hand on mine then. What was it with the touchy, touchy? I pulled away and spun, sitting forward on the bench.

‘Why do you keep bringing up my mum?’ I didn’t like this feeling. I felt open and exposed to someone I didn’t even know.

‘Because I want you to know that you’re doing the best that you can. We’re all taught how to live by what we’re surrounded by. I’m assuming that you don’t have anyone else to help you with your mum, so you’re doing the best you can with what you know. In fact we all are. Your mates, me, and the people that live down the street. They learnt from their parents and surroundings. Then their grandparents learnt from their parents and so it becomes a pattern. Does that make sense?’

Funnily enough, the idiot was making sense. My brother had never known what to do with Mum and so hadn’t done anything. The only reason I now knew what to do, was because as a child, I’d been taught in school that when there was an emergency to ring an ambulance or the police. So when I came home at the age of nine to find mum passed out on the floor, I’d called an ambulance and they’d carted her off to the psyche ward.

‘Yeah, it makes sense.’

‘And do you love yourself?’ The happy couple and their brats went out of the park, waving at us as they passed. I ignored them cos my over-eager friend waved back enough for the both of us.

‘I’ve no idea,’ I confessed. I still hadn’t grasped what he meant about that.

‘Well, what if I was to tell you that the answer to all your problems is to learn to love yourself.’

I snorted. I couldn’t help it. He sounded like a counsellor or something. Not that I knew what one of them sounded like really, but it was all a bit poncey.

‘I mean it, Nat, your mind is more powerful than you give it credit for. You can do anything, create anything, and be anything you want to be. You just gotta love yourself enough to allow it. When you want to, you can change your life.’ He stood up then and motioned towards the road. I turned and saw my friends heading towards the park. They hadn’t spotted us yet. Crappy pants, I didn’t want to speak to them right now and I certainly didn’t want to do introductions when I didn’t even know this dude myself.

‘Come with me,’ I muttered, grabbing his hand and making a run for it. I sprinted across the rest of the field and into the woods. The poor boy was being dragged as I tried to get away before the others caught sight of us. I didn’t think we’d been very successful cos I heard them all shout. I kept going, though, I wasn’t going back now. My legs pumped. I could hear Scott’s heavy breathing as he ran with me. I noticed that our hands were still connected as we tore through the trees. I let go and started to slow up. I knew the others wouldn’t bother following us this far into the woods. It was really easy to get lost in here, unless you were cool like me and naturally knew where you were going. I stopped suddenly, unsure whether to lead him to my rock. The place had been my sanctuary for years and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it with anyone, let alone some weird dude who talked about loving yourself and stuff.

‘This place is beautiful. I never knew it was here.’ He lowered himself onto the ground in a clearing and crossed his legs. He closed his eyes and started to hum. I felt well uncomfortable. What the hell was he doing? He stopped and looked at me. Laughing, he patted the ground next to him and gestured for me to join him. I hesitated, but then thought that I might as well. He seemed to be the happiest person I knew. Maybe all this rubbish was actually helping.

‘Okay, what if I told you that just by thinking something you could create it. Does that appeal?’

‘You mean like magic powers? If I thought of a doughnut, it would appear?’ I sat on the ground and let my fingers stroke the top of the grass blades.

‘Sort of, yeah. Say for instance you wanted a better job. Not that I’m saying your job’s bad or anything,’ he defended at my raised eyebrows, ‘all you’d have to do is see yourself, in your mind, doing what it is you want. Then eventually that will come true.’ He turned to face me. He was really close, our knees almost touching.

‘Like a fantasy?’ The amount of times I had found myself daydreaming about having a big house with a husband and maybe some kids, but I’d always pushed it away. That wasn’t for me, no matter how much I wanted it. There was no way I was gonna afford a nice house. There was no way I was gonna find a nice husband who would love me and stick around. There was no way I could get out of the god forsaken shitehole I lived in. My gang and I were gonna grow old together, we’d already decided. We’d nick some stuff when we needed it. One of us would go on the council register and get a house and the rest of us would live there.

‘Yes but you’ve got to believe that it will happen for you. No good in dreaming about things, then pushing them away or thinking that it will never happen, cos then it won’t. You got to know inside that what you want will come true for you. Wanna try?’

‘How can you know inside that it will come true, when you know inside that it won’t? Don’t make sense. You live in cloud cuckoo land or something?’ He was getting stranger and stranger and quite frankly, I was losing the plot.

‘That’s where the loving yourself comes in you see. You got to love yourself enough to believe that you deserve to get what it is you want. Look, enough of the lesson, let’s put it to action.’

He stood up and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me to a stand. He took my other hand and nodded at me, smiling. I tried to smile back but was a bit unsure about what he was doing. Maybe he would start chanting a spell or something. I would be gone before he could say abracadabra.

‘Close your eyes,’ he told me. I did as he said, being a good student and all that. But then I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it, could I? It was just all a bit odd. Well, I was used to odd, but I think I’d had enough of it to last me a life time.

‘Stop it. Now listen. Imagine you go home tonight. I’m assuming that you won’t really know what your mum will be like, so see her in your mind, how you want her to react when you see her. Be realistic, considering her illness. Who do you want in the room? See the scene in your mind. This has already happened. How you are seeing it, is how it already is. Believe that and feel inside what it would feel like to have an evening with your mum.’ He went quiet.

I was lost. I saw my mum shy but smiling, which is how she usually looked when on the road to recovery. She would give me a little hug and then make me a cup of tea. I wanted Dick to be upstairs so that we could have a little chat. I wanted Dick to be in the house cos he wouldn’t leave my mum over this. I could see us having a take away together, even Dickhead had a plate. I smiled and came back to reality, realising that Scott had gone quiet. I opened my eyes.

‘See that was easy wasn’t it?’ His face was close. I could feel his breath on my cheek. I shivered and stepped back. His pretty eyes were far to near mine. I wondered if he liked me. He seemed to be touchy feely with me, but I didn’t know if that was because he was trying to teach me. Plus I was sure he would be like that with other people. He seemed so comfortable in that perfect skin of his. So sure of himself. He wasn’t anything like us. We were rogues. We were rude and mouthy. We didn’t care if we hurt anyone. Only we mattered. If someone got hurt in the process of us living our lives, then we didn’t care, they shouldn’t have gotten in the way. I frowned as I remembered the amount of times we had sat around saying this. I’d beat up a girl only three weeks ago cos she’d looked at me funny. The bitch had it coming. She looked me up and down like I was a piece of dog poo on her high heeled shoe. Well she weren’t getting away with that, was she? No, she got what was coming to her. I felt the dudes hands tighten around mine. I was looking at his chest as I remembered the way I had pulled her face down to my knee. My stomach started to churn. What was going on? I always got into fights and I’d never felt like this before. It was about sticking together and not letting anyone pull us apart.

‘I gotta go,’ I stammered, letting go of his hand and spinning away from him. I started to run away, back through the woods. I heard him call after me but let the sound be drowned out by the snapping twigs and leaves that got mashed up by my trainers. It was time I got home. My mum would be back by now and she would smile at me. That one image in my mind was too lovely not to give up. I’d never tried to imagine things being good before. It had felt better than anything I’d ever experienced. A fantasy life might not be a bad idea. Although I didn’t wanna live in my head too much, that might make me go mad when reality set in. I saw his face in front of mine, his eyes close to mine. I didn’t dare look at his lips. I pushed the thoughts out of my head. Thank effing God that my group weren’t around when I came out of the woods. They’d obviously got bored and wandered off to cause trouble. I headed home and for the first time ever, I looked forward to seeing my mum.

Chapter Nine

She hugged me slightly, one arm coming across my back. That was as far as she could get in the human contact. That was okay, though, it was a good sign. They’d given her huge doses of her meds to get her balanced again. She was able to look at me a little bit and she’d given me that smile too. We all ate Chinese take away that Dick had treated us to.

‘How are you feeling, Mum?’ I asked looking at the clock. Tiff was due round soon.

‘I’m okay, love, I just need to stay on the meds,’ she said the words that she’d rehearsed in her brain. The doctor had obviously told her this just before she left the crisis house.

‘Are they coming to see you tomorrow?’ I was annoyed that I’d missed them. They’d dropped her back just before I got home and left her with the Dick.

‘Yes, they are,’ he replied, butting in on our conversation. He had a tendency to do that. Although give him his dues, he was still here. He must care about her.

‘Good. I spose they’re gonna monitor your meds?’ I reached over for a spring roll, only to have Dick snatch it first. I looked at him and glared. How bloody rude, I didn’t care that I’d had most of them, I bloody liked them, okay?

‘Yeah, they … ’

‘I was asking Mum, Dick, unless you’re my mum now?’ Our truce had only lasted a couple of hours. Love it! We were back to bickering. Sometimes I felt like he was younger than me. I wouldn’t have believed that he was almost forty. He was a weasel … you know, thin … with thin hair, fingers and toes. He crept me out and he knew it. In fact, I reckon he did it on purpose to try and make me leave.

‘Yes, they’ll be coming round every day,’ Mum answered, not even berating me for being rude. Maybe I should take advantage of her state to wind Dick up more. I looked at him and saw him shake his head. He was right, it wasn’t fair on her. I’d forgotten for a sec there that she was still pretty ill and our arguing wouldn’t help her get better. Bloody grown-ups, they were so annoying.

‘Tiff is coming round soon, you don’t mind do you?’ I looked at my mum as I asked. It was still her house and not the morons. Something crossed my mind. Where would they live when they got married? Oh man, he better not be moving in here with us. I would kill him before long, I just knew it. They were a reserved couple. They didn’t stay round each other’s houses all the time. My mum shook her head as a knock came from the front door. Perfect timing, I must been a psychic. I jumped up and let Tiff in, taking her straight up the stairs to my room.

‘Can’t I say hello to your mum?’ she gasped falling onto my bed after our little jog.

‘No, I wanna hear about what happened when you left last night.’ I sat on the bed next to her. She started to shake and she wouldn’t look at me. I turned my CD player on, letting a bit of Michael Jackson soothe us. I loved his old stuff. The man was so talented. I didn’t care what was said about him, he was a legend and I would always love his music. I sat back down and took Tiff’s hand as a tear slid down her face. I’d never seen her so cut up before. She was usually cool as a cucumber, straight as celery. I was the hot head and she was my coolant. I’d never even seen her cry before. I noticed that she kept touching her trousers, wiping dust away. Not that there was anything on the material.

‘This isn’t about last night is it?’

‘It is about last night, but it ain’t about the stabbing. It’s about what happened after,’ she cried. She was really sobbing now and I put an arm around her. It felt weird. I’d never had to comfort any of my group. We were all so independent.

‘What happened?’ I didn’t really know what else to say.

‘Tommy persuaded me to have sex with him. He said that … ’ she stuttered as I dropped my arm. I didn’t mean to, but bloody hell!

‘He said that he felt really horny after what had happened. He had a weird look in his eyes and I felt so scared, so I just went along with it.’

‘He didn’t force you then?’ I felt sick. My stomach was churning like a tsunami. We’d never had sex with each other. We were so much like family, that it felt wrong. Fair enough if any of the others had fallen for one another, but Tiff’s reaction was too bad for it to have been a good thing.

‘No, he didn’t, but when he came towards me, I was scared. Especially after what he’d just done. I didn’t know … ’

That wave was ready to hurl its contents out of my mouth. How had she done that? She didn’t want to sleep with him, yet she did it out of fear? Fear of our own friend? I didn’t get it. I would’ve told him to back the eff away and keep his hands to himself.

‘You really didn’t want to do it, but you did it anyway?’

‘Yeah, I know and now I feel so dirty and gross. Recently I’ve been looking at Tommy differently. He’s lost it and it scares me.’ She shook me off and got her phone out her pocket. She showed me a text message that she’d got from him that morning. It said that he’d really enjoyed giving it to her and couldn’t wait to do it again. She hadn’t replied.

‘You need to let him know that it ain’t happening again if you don’t want it to, Tiff,’ I said, giving her phone back.

She nodded and started to tap on her phone.

‘I needed your help. When I saw him today I was almost sick with the thought of it. I’ve been crying all night, Nat, I don’t know how to feel.’

‘I wish you’d just said no. You know what he’s like. He’s a cock but he’d never hurt one of us.’ A burning sensation raced up my arms and I felt myself go still. How dare that prick do that to Tiff? He totally violated her. The problem was he hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d gone ahead with it willingly. I know that if she’d said no, he wouldn’t have forced her.

‘I know, Nat, I know. He didn’t hurt me or anything. In fact it was over real quick, but … ’ she shuddered at the memory and I know I cringed. The look on her face told me she didn’t appreciate my disgust. I couldn’t help it though. Like I said before, it would be like sleeping with my brother. I’m sure Tiff felt the same too.

‘Look, you ain’t done nothing wrong and neither has he. You ain’t actually related and all that happened was a mistake. Be honest with him and tell him you ain’t interested in him like that. Then forget it, move on and learn from it, yeah? Just make sure you got the will power to say no in the future. Maybe that’s why it happened? Life is a lesson, apparently.’ I stopped there and did well not to laugh as I heard my words. I sounded like Scott. I wonder if he’d know what lesson poor Tiff had to learn from this.

‘I’ve told him that last night was a mistake and I ain’t doing it again.’ Her phone beeped and she jumped. Man, this wasn’t gonna be easy. There was gonna be major tension in the group now. The stabbing had been a turning point in our little family. Things wouldn’t ever be the same again.

‘He says that he doesn’t agree but respects my wishes. He said it won’t ever happen again and he’s sorry.’ Her shoulders slumped slightly and I could feel her energy shift.

‘Thank Jeysus for that! See, he’s still our Tommy. He’s just lost it a bit recently that’s all. But then so have I, ain’t I? I ain’t exactly been a po-hoe … ’ Po-hoe was our word for positive whores. The people that really irritated us by being all smiley, happy, and kind, all the time. I reckoned that they were all on drugs and completely high, so it was easy to be a po-hoe then.

‘Yeah, that’s true,’ she said, turning away from me and changing the CD in the player.

‘You wanna beer? I reckon Dick will have one in the fridge.’ I stood up and left her as she nodded.

What was she thinking, sleeping with Tommy? And after he’d stabbed a man? It was mad what emotions could do to you. I could see why Tommy might have been all het up, but why would Tiff? I shook my head. There was no use trying to reason it out in my little mind. I’d been there before, I guess. A boy comes on to you and you think that by sleeping with him he’s gonna love you. Or that you’re just doing what everyone else is. When you sit in the bath the next day though, running your hands through your hair, with tears streaming down your face …

‘What’s up?’ Dick made me jump as I walked into the kitchen. He was sitting at the dining table, reading a book. He looked at me closely and I felt exposed. This bloke freaked me out.

‘Nothing,’ I muttered, sticking my head into our empty fridge.

‘Your mum’s going shopping tomorrow for some grub,’ he said.

I had to bite my tongue. The woman had only just got back from the loony bin and he was sending her out shopping.

‘I’ll do it,’ I said, grabbing two beers and running out the kitchen. I heard him shout at me, but I legged it up the stairs.

‘Here.’ I passed Tiff a bottle and sat back on the bed.

‘You think that we could ever live a normal life?’ Tiff downed her drink and I laughed.

‘Jeez, woman, you need to chill on the drink.’ I let my head drop, tracing the pattern on my Chinese symbol bedcover.

‘Well?’

‘I dunno, mate. I hope so … one day. How will we get there though, you know? We ain’t got no money, no education. Life is shit … no wait … I’m not supposed to say that,’ I giggled to myself.

‘Why not … ? It is bloody shit,’ Tiff laughed, snatching my bottle from me and downing that one too.

‘Oi, I was drinking that.’

‘No, you weren’t. Let’s go to the park.’ She jumped up and grabbed my hand.

‘I can’t, man, my mum has only just come back.’

‘Oh yeah.’ She slumped back on the bed.

‘Tiff, do you think that maybe, just maybe, we could change it?’ I sat back against the wall, not looking at her.

‘Change what, dude?’ She started flipping through my CD’s. When she got to Rihanna she put it on and started to sing along. Her voice was really good. I so wished that I could sing like that, but there was no way I was singing in front of peeps. Even my bestie didn’t hear me sing.

‘This … our life,’ I said, gesturing around my little room. It was my haven, I know, but just sometimes it would be nice to imagine being in a nice country cottage or something. You know, a place with a bit of class.

‘Nah, it is what it is, innit?’ Tiff paused in her singing to answer me.

‘But maybe it don’t need to be like this? I mean, imagine if you became a singer, yeah? You’d make loads of money and buy us all loads of stuff.’ I was getting excited as I thought about the type of place I’d live in.

‘Don’t be stupid, man, there ain’t no way I’d become famous. I ain’t that lucky and you know it,’ she said, laughing at me.

‘But you don’t know that. Just think about it … seriously. I bet most of the singers out there came from nothing … ’ I put my hands in my lap after some urgent gesturing. I’d looked a bit like a rapper as I tried to get my point across but I could see in her eyes that she weren’t believing what I was saying.

‘Yeah, maybe, but I ain’t one of them, am I?’ She jumped off the bed as a fast song came on and I joined in her crazy dancing. Sometimes letting loose with wild hip thrusting and hand pumping was the only way to make the world feel like it was an alright place to be.

Chapter Ten

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Some blonde tart caught me off guard. I was hanging around the shopping centre, my head buried in my phone as I waited for Tiff. This bitch was major eyeing up my gadget and I weren’t best pleased. Tiff was supposed to meet me half an hour ago and she weren’t here. Now, here I was, with a girl who hated my very hungry guts. It looked like she was just about to pull a power ranger move, her hands all up in the air. I took a step back, hesitating, which was weird. I never backed down from a tussle, so why was something making me think twice about taking blondie down and bashing her mug in?

‘There you are, Nat, are you ready?’ his voice made me freeze. The last time I’d seen his smooth face … smooth? Where did that come from? I was sure that he’d been about to put his smackers on mine. My heart played like a bongo in my chest.

‘Hi,’ said blond. She had noticed how good-looking Scott was. Well, he wasn’t good-looking in a normal way, you know? He … I’m gonna shut up now.

‘Hey, are you friends with Natalie?’ he asked her.

‘No, she bloody well ain’t, she … ’

A hand punched me in the arm. It was Scott’s, the cheeky git. How dare he stop me in the middle of a sentence by hitting me, who did he think he was? I spun around, but he grabbed my waist and held me to his side. The girl was staring at us with her perfectly-shaped, skinny, annoying eyebrows raised.

‘Sorry about her, she’s having a bad day. You seem cool. Maybe we could all go out sometime?’

What! What the bloody hell did he just say? What was the idiot playing at? I was not going out with them. If he wanted to flirt with her, he could go and throw his skinny arms around her stupidly skinny waist. I pushed him and managed to get him off me. The girl was replying, all smiles and lovey-bloody-dovey. I turned and walked away from the smoochy-ness. They could kiss each-others butt’s for all I cared, but I didn’t wanna be around to smell it.

‘See, you just gotta be nice,’ he said catching up to me.

‘What do you want, Scott? Just go and jump into bed with her and leave me alone,’ I huffed. My face was heating up like a frying pan as I heard the words leave my mouth. Where was this coming from? This boy had made me get my boy short knickers in a twist.

‘Why would I want to jump into bed with her? Didn’t you see how she changed when I was nice? I know you don’t believe it’s because I’m hot.’

I stopped and looked at him. Confusion is a state that I ain’t a fan of. This boy kept turning up in my life and what for? To bloody annoy me, that’s what for.

‘Natalie, let that pretty mind of yours stop spinning for just one moment. Focus on what just happened and see her reaction when I was nice to her,’ he said, reaching out a hand to me. What did he think I was, a little child who … he took my hand by force and I stopped thinking. Just like that, my whirlpool brain waves just stilled and all I could see was his pretty blue orb eyes.

‘See?’ he breathed.

My mind was able to see what had happened. How strange that the Hulk inside of me didn’t erupt as I remembered the way her face changed. Her eyes had softened from cold hard balls to soft pools of glass and her lips had turned from a feline snarl into cherub lips that actually smiled. What was wrong with me? I was thinking in airy-fairy poetry words. I broke contact with him and shook my head.

‘I know you saw it, I could see it in your eyes,’ he laughed, joining me as I started to walk again. I was slower now, my slower thoughts overtaking my legs.

‘So … ?’ I seriously didn’t know what else to say.

‘Let’s go out tonight,’ he said as he followed me out of the building.

‘Where … ?’ Did I really just say that? Was I contemplating going out with him? What was wrong with me? Was I developing some of my mother’s symptoms?

‘It’s a surprise. Just trust me.’ He was looking down at his feet as we walked. I stopped and turned to him again. Did this twerp feel insecure? Okay, twerp was a bit harsh, especially when he looked so … scared. Was I really that scary? He looked at me then and smiled. He knew that he’d won. I growled at him, yes, seriously, actually, growled at him. His fake ‘woe is me’ ploy had worked and I felt a girly fool for falling for it. The boy oozed confidence. He didn’t have no issues with himself. Why would asking me out be such a hard thing? I bet he had loads of girlfriends.

‘Pick me up at seven from the park,’ I said, turning and walking away before those sneaky eyes went into my soul and freaked me out even more.

Chapter Eleven

‘That shell will break one day and I hope to be the one to do it,’ he whispered in my ear. I had gone still when I heard his footsteps on the bouncy floor. I had stopped the swing I was on just before he sneaked up behind me and leant towards my ear. I stayed where I was and closed my eyes. His breath flowed over the side of my head and tickled my ear. My body shuddered. Seriously, what was it about this boy? He got me all goosey bumped, which was a hard thing for a person to do to a tough nut like me. I didn’t want to move or speak. I didn’t want to be angry at him. My mind was quiet as the rhythm of his breath played on my skin. I felt the back of my eyes start to burn. What in the Jeysus was going on? What was this feeling that had arisen? Seriously, I didn’t like this - was it? Yep …

I ripped away from the swing and from his charming breath. It didn’t smell either, which was un-bloody-fair. That was close. I’d almost had tears - yes, tears - come to my eyes. I hated letting them babies show. They had no place in this chick’s life.

‘How you doing … ? he asked, climbing onto the swing. He had a smug looking grin on his chops. Okay, he’d won that one, the clever sod. A touch of vulnerability was alright for a moment or so - Who am I kidding? I’m not vulnerable, nor am I a crying baby girl with ‘issues’. I was about to open my mouth to say all this when I heard a whistle. Oh crap, not again. The group used that whistle to notify us that they were coming. I really didn’t want them to see me with smiling chops over there.

‘Crap, we gotta go,’ I started.

‘No,’ Scott said. I paused in my just about to flee mode.

‘What do you mean no?’

‘I’m not scared of your group. I want to meet them,’ he said, kicking his legs to make himself go higher. Was he crazy?

‘Nat, let’s put our lesson into practice. Remember to see how you want this scene to play out and imagine that it has already happened that way.’

Here we go again. Maybe he’d play some sort of trick on the group and make me look like a lame-arse nice boy hugger. The group were getting nearer. Oh man, this could go so badly. I closed my eyes and saw my friends approach us in my mind. They all had smiles and liked Scott.

‘Are you done?’ he said, his whiney voice breaking through my little scene.

‘Do you think I’d still have my eyes closed if I had?’

‘Oi, oi, Natalie’s got her new boyfriend in our park,’ Tommy called as he jumped over the metal fence. I sat on a swing and got a fag out of the packet in my pocket.

‘He ain’t my boyfriend, Tommy,’ I said as he came up to us.

‘Alright, mate,’ Scott said, holding out his hand. Tommy’s step slowed as he came forward. He was swaggering. I didn’t like the look of the glint in his eyes as he looked down at Scott’s hand.

‘Shake the man’s hand,’ Jack called, bringing his bike in through the gate. Tiff was holding it open for him. I could always count on them to be a little kinder then Tommy. He seemed to think he was our ruler or something and I’m not about to let him rule who I was friends with.

‘So you’re the one Natalie’s been blowing us out for?’ Tommy took Scott’s hand. I saw him tighten his grip, but Scott gave as good as he got. Tommy smiled and nodded as he let go and spun round to the others.

‘Jack, give me my drink,’ he said, holding out his hand to grab a bottle of voddy.

‘Scott, are you gonna make an honest woman of Nat then?’ Tiff said, sitting on the spongy black turf that surrounded the swings.

‘Shut it, Tiff, will you?’ I said, tempted to get up and boot her in the butt. She weren’t helping things. Tommy had turned round and looked at us when she’d asked the question. He opened his bottle and took a massive gulp. I dunno how he could do that with that acid burning shit, it made me feel sick. He handed the bottle to Scott. The posher boy glanced at me and smiled. I wondered how he would get out of this one then, considering he’d look like a right pussy if he didn’t take it. I was just about to say something when he grabbed it and took just as big a mouthful as Tommy had. Blinkin’ idiot!

‘Nice one,’ Jack said leaving his bike and sitting next to Tiff.

‘So I got an experiment for you,’ Scott said. I put my feet flat on the ground, stopping my swing from moving. He better not do this or I’d kill his handsome butthead.

‘Nah, he ain’t,’ I said, getting up.

‘Go for it,’ Tommy said, taking my swing. I was left standing there like an idiot as Scott grinned at me.

‘Okay, maybe not experiment, but questions,’ Scott winked at me. I almost stepped forward and poked my nail in his sweet, annoying, eyeball.

‘Questions … ? That’s boring, I wanna hear more about this experiment,’ Tommy said looking at him sideways on the swing. The bottle was slowly going down as he took swigs.

‘Oh, guess what, boys. I forgot to tell you that I’m going to audition for a singing contest,’ Tiff called, jumping up and taking the bottle from Tommy.

‘Why the hell would you do that?’ Tommy said at the same time everyone else cheered her.

‘Oh shut it, Tommy, will you? I’m good at singing and something Natalie said made me want to do it, so I am, alright?’ Tiff took the bottle and sat down.

‘What you talking about, woman, you ain’t gonna get nowhere though, are you?’

‘Actually, I reckon she could go far,’ Scott butted in. I knew he was gonna do it. I was waiting for it.

‘Do you now? So you heard her sing then? Well, if Tiff can make it, then so can I.’ Tommy jumped up and started singing. It was well funny. Everyone was creasing up and as I looked over at Scott, I saw him raise his eyebrows at me. The image I’d had in my mind before they’d got here was very similar. Woah, this was scary shissle.

‘I got an idea for a game,’ Jack called over the noise, ‘how about we play hide and booze seek?’

‘What’s that when it’s at home, then?’ Tiff asked.

‘It ain’t at home, it’s out here,’ Jack answered, making us all giggle again.

‘Shut up, you lot! What you do is all hide with a bottle of drink. Someone has to find you. For every ten minutes you ain’t found, you take a shot of your drink. The person that is the most successful at hiding is also the one who is most drunk.’

I didn’t like the sound of this. We’d played another drinking game a couple of years ago and got so rat-arsed, we’d woken up with kids screaming in our ears where we’d fallen asleep in the park.

‘I love it, come on then!’ Tommy shouted, jumping up and handing out bottles from a carrier bag.

‘Erm, we have to hide on our own?’ Tiff asked, taking the bottle, but looking at me. She weren’t comfortable either.

‘Yeah, it will be great. Come on!’ Tommy pulled Jack up and they started to laugh.

It was weird. Only few weeks ago I would’ve loved a game like this. I’d have been well up for it and would’ve even made Tiff do it. Something inside as I looked at that blue-eyed goody-two -shoes made me not wanna do it.

‘I can’t, man, I gotta get going, but next time I’ll beat you all,’ Scott said, standing and nodding at Tommy as he shook his head.

‘Yeah, yeah, pussy boy, don’t think I don’t know that you can’t handle a game like this.’ He turned and started to talk to Jack about how they would play. Tiff joined them. She was getting more in the spirit of the game as they spoke. Scott raised his perfectly plucked eyebrows. Okay, so they probably weren’t plucked, but they still annoyed me.

‘Yeah, I gotta miss this one, guys, gotta get back to my mum innit?’ I went to step away from the group.

‘You serious … ? You blowing us again?’ Tommy spun and came up to me. ‘What’s going on with you? Is it him?’ He gestured at Scott, who was now waiting by the metal gate.

‘Nah, Tommy, you know my mum has only just come out. Don’t be a prick.’ I went to turn, but he grabbed my arm. I saw Scott step forward, but thank Jeysus, he decided not to come over.

‘I’m sorry, it’s just I don’t like you hanging out with him,’ he muttered, nodding to Scott. How dare he? I felt my temper try to fight its way up my arms.

‘Nat, I gotta go, you coming?’ Scott called over. Tommy let go of my arm and smirked.

‘Go. I’m getting bored already and wanna get this game started. Come on, Tiff,’ he said, walking away and putting an arm around my bestie. I swallowed the urge to hit him in his big head. Tiff glanced at me and smiled. Did she wanna stay with these guys? I wanted to try and get her to look at me without the others seeing, but she started to talk to them. I turned and walked out the park with Scott.

‘Are you alright?’ He asked, looking back over his shoulder as the others started to laugh.

‘Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?’ I started to walk faster. I needed to get out of here.

‘Where are we going?’

Was he joking? He wanted to come with me? I thought he was going somewhere. I managed to get a few streets away before spinning to him. I was about to raise my hand and, well – I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do, but he put his hand to the back of my head and pulled my face to him. His lips crushed against mine and his tongue pushed into my mouth. He had one hand in my hair and the other around my waist. My eyes closed. I was lost.

When he pulled away, about ten hours later, or so it seemed, I almost stumbled. He looked at me, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. What the hell had just happened? That had been the best kiss ever and it was with this, this … nice boy. Did they really exist? My heart was trying to jump out of me, I swear. He was still holding me. I really wanted to pull away, but for some reason I couldn’t.

‘I can’t believe you let me do that,’ he said, bending his head to try and get me to look at him. I laughed when he stuck his tongue out. Looking up, I almost punched his face when I saw a couple of young-uns standing nearby making smooching noises.

‘Come on. Let’s go get some food, my treat.’

He let me go and tried to take my hand but I pulled away. He’d already taken enough liberties without trying to parade me around the streets. We went and sat in the chippy.

‘I can’t believe you just did that,’ I said looking at him. He sat back with a smile on his smug chops. Those chops really needed to be tenderised sometime soon – by me.

‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,’ he replied, shrugging as they brought over our fish and chips. As we ate there was no need to say anything. I spose it was bound to happen at some point. For some reason, he seemed to have taken an addiction to me. I’ve no idea why. I didn’t like this feeling though. It was all fuzzy and unfamiliar. Did I really actually like someone? Someone who was nothing like me?

‘What did you say to Tiff, then?’ he asked, trying to play footsie with me under the table. I kicked him in the shin and he laughed, shoving a chip in his gob.

‘I just said that she could have a go at doing singing, that was all.’ What was his obsession with trying to teach me?

‘Look, I’m not trying to get you to change, I promise,’ he said, obviously reading my bloody mind, ‘but I want you to see that you can change your life if you want to. See what you did tonight? You made your own choice about not joining in with their drinking game, didn’t you?’

I scowled at him and his perfect world. I had to admit, it felt good, though. Sitting here having fish and chips might not be the most exciting, okay, scrap that, it was bloody exciting, but only cos this dude had just kissed me, outside, in front of people.

‘See, we’re having fun,’ he laughed, taking my hand. For some bizarre reason I let him. I dunno, it just felt okay. Okay, it felt more than okay. What was happening to me?

‘Can I show you something?’ he asked. I nodded and followed him out of the chippy. I let him hold my hand as we walked along the street. It was dark now and the street lights weren’t bright enough to allow everyone to see us.

‘Nat!’ I heard a shout behind me. I let go of Scott’s hand and spun around. Tiff was running up to me. Her step was uneven. When she got to us I could see that her face was red. She’d been crying.

‘What happened?’ I asked, taking her hands and getting her to stand still. She was moving from one foot to the other.

‘It’s Jack, we can’t find him. He went into the woods but we’ve looked everywhere. He had two bottles on him, Nat, and one of them was absinthe.’

I looked at my phone. We’d been in the chippy for two hours. Where the hell had that time run off to? Jack had been drinking a shot every ten minutes for two hours. He’d be rat-arsed by now, if not unconscious. I turned to Scott.

‘I’m sorry, I gotta go.’

‘I’m coming with you,’ he said, taking Tiff’s arm and linking it through his. I took her other arm and we all walked back to the park. Tommy was sitting on the ground near the woods, smoking a fag.

‘Why aren’t you looking for him?’ I asked, letting go of Tiff and grabbing the fag from Tommy’s mouth. ‘Why does everyone else suffer around you?’

I was well angry. I couldn’t believe that he’d sent Tiffany to find us, instead of calling an ambulance or coming himself.

‘Natalie, come on. Let’s go and look for him.’ Scott took my hand and pulled me as Tommy went to get up. He couldn’t get his feet under him and he fell back down. He laughed as he looked up at us and I almost smashed his face in.

‘Tiff, call the police, will you?’ I shouted over my shoulder as we ran towards the woods.

‘Have you got any idea where he might be?’ Scott called as we entered the woods and started to call for Jack. It was dark in here and I kept tripping up. What if he was unconscious? What the hell would we do? I wondered if Tiff had called the police. I took my phone out, but there was no reception.

‘He might be nearer the other end. There are a couple of trees that have big holes in them. Maybe he’s in there?’ I had to grab Scott as we tried to get our bearings. He was struggling too.

‘Would it be better to go out to the field and go back in nearer those trees?’

I nodded, even though he couldn’t really see me. This weren’t fun. Why did they always do stupid things like this? Just for the sake of alcohol.

‘I’m glad you didn’t join in,’ Scott said, steadying me as I tripped again.

‘Why?’ I snapped at the judgemental whiny boy. Hello, I’d just been thinking how stupid it was, why was I getting all cross with him? Because you would’ve joined in if it wasn’t for him.

‘Because I’d be terrified if I knew you were out here alone in the dark,’ he said, ignoring my sulk. Aw, he was actually being really sweet. Bloody pain in the arse. Why did he have to be so nice all the time?

‘I’m harder than Jack, I would’ve been fine,’ I said, pulling him back out of the woods and into the field. He stopped and turned me to him.

‘Why do you have to be so defensive all the time? It’s okay to not be okay,’ he said, brushing my hair away from my face. His touch had me going all goosey bumped again and I walked off, leaving him standing there. This was not the time for sweet words. I had to find Jack. We started to jog and got to the end of the field quickly. We went in. I swore as I fell over something big. I threw out my hand to see what I’d tripped over.

‘Jack!’ I said, letting Scott pull me to my feet and then bending over the shape. It was him, I could smell the drink. He was unconscious.

‘Please go and tell the police that we’re here and need an ambulance,’ I said, sitting on the floor and pulling Jack onto my lap.

‘I don’t want to leave you,’ Scott said, trying to get a signal on his phone.

‘Please, Scott, just go, it’s not far. I’ll be fine,’ I cried as tears allowed themselves to fall out of my eyes, little gits. Scott heard me crying and did as I asked. I felt for Jack’s pulse and sighed when I felt it beating weakly. I could smell vomit and was so glad that he hadn’t choked on it. It looked like he’d given up hiding and started to come out of the woods. Being so drunk, he must have tripped over and passed out. I seriously would’ve joined in with this dangerous game before but I was thinking about stuff more now that Twinkle Toes was in my life.

It didn’t take long for Scott to come back with a policeman and a paramedic. I’d stopped my pussy tears and wiped any evidence of them away. We walked back with the policeman as the ambulance stretchered Jack out. I wasn’t allowed to go with him as the police wanted to question us all. Tiff and Tommy had already been taken to the station.

‘We weren’t even here, man, we just came to help,’ I said. My mum wouldn’t be able to handle the news that I’d been down the station. It was no use in fighting it, they wanted to hear everything. Scott took my hand as we sat in the back of the car. I couldn’t believe that I was doing it, but I shuffled over and rested my head on his shoulder.

Chapter Twelve

‘Nat, where the hell have you been?’ my mum said when I walked in the door in the early hours of the morning.

‘You should be asleep. Why are you still up?’ I snapped, glaring at Dick when he came in the kitchen. I’d tried to sneak in through the back door, but it hadn’t worked.

‘I was worried about you. You’re usually home by now,’ she said, fiddling with the ring on her finger. I knew this would happen. Anything out of routine made her feel weird.

‘I’m eighteen, mum. I can do what I want.’ I’d had enough for one evening, I needed my bed.

‘Don’t speak to your mum like that, Natalie, she was just worried about you.’

I had to bite my tongue and yes, it did hurt. Dick was jumping on my nerves yet again but it weren’t their fault. The fact that he was still up with her … well, I couldn’t fault him for caring for her could I? Bloody Dick.

‘I’m sorry. It’s been a stressful night, that’s all. Jack’s in hospital with alcohol poisoning and before you start, I wasn’t with them. I just helped to find him.’ I looked at them both. Richard looked at my mum and she shook her head. She knew me well enough to know when I lied. There’d been no point in lying in the past. I could basically do what I wanted, really.

‘Want to talk about it?’ Mum asked as Richard left for bed. I sat down at the table. We’d not had a daughter to mother chat for years. When mum was well, we’d always chat, but since Richard had come into the picture, I weren’t up for it no more. It was good that she had him. I wouldn’t be hanging around forever.

‘I’ve met a boy,’ I started. Mum ducked her head when I caught her smiling, ‘No, seriously, this boy is pretty insane, mum.’ I clamped my hand over my mouth when I realised what I’d said. Nice one, Nat, the wrong person to say that to.

‘What’s he like?’ she said in a soft voice.

‘Smart, confident, too good for me … ’ I let the words trail off. I’d not thought them out loud, let alone said them out loud. Yeah, that’s how it felt. He was too good for little old me and now he was showing serious interest … cue bright red face. I needed to face that.

‘No one is too good for you, love, you are beautiful and special. I just wish you could see it for yourself. You have so much you could do, yet … ’ she sighed, ‘you choose to hang around with your group.’

She didn’t need to say anymore. She’d never outright said that she didn’t approve of what we did but I could see it now. It was like my eyes had opened, very bloody wide.

‘I know, Mum, I know.’ I stood and kissed her cheek. It was the first time I’d been able to go near her for a long time. She must be feeling much better. I climbed the stairs and went into my room. I looked around at all the stuff that I’d collected over the years and realised that it meant nothing. What good was things when there was no one to share them with? What good were friends, when someone always got hurt? Could I choose to live a different life?

Chapter Thirteen

‘Jack, how you doing?’ I asked as I went into the hospital room. He didn’t respond as I sat in the chair next to his bed. His gaze was on the ceiling above him.

‘How long until you get out … ?’ I asked. It was like talking to a brick wall.

‘What would’ve happened if Tiff couldn’t find you?’ This was the first thing he’d said to me all week. He’d had bad alcohol poisoning and was seriously messed up in the stomach. I wondered if it also affected his mood, considering how bloody miserable he was.

‘I dunno … ’ What did I say to that? I didn’t even wanna let my brain think about such a thing.

‘He’s bad for us, Nat,’ he said, turning his head towards me. Tears were running down his face and I leant forward and took his hand. I’d never seen my friend cry. He was tough as stones. We all were. I didn’t know what to say to that, either. Tommy was the head of the group. He was like our father in a way.

‘I get some days when I don’t wanna live like this no more.’ Jack squeezed my hand and looked deep into my eyes. I couldn’t move.

‘I know, Jack. I’m sure Tommy didn’t mean nothing. You know what he’s like.’

‘That’s the point, he never means anything, but people get hurt. Don’t you remember the guy he stabbed?’ He let go of my hand and turned to look back up at the ceiling again.

‘Shush, Jack, what if someone hears you? Of course I remember. How could I bloody well forget? The thing is, Jack, we don’t have to go along with everything he does, do we? In fact, it was your idea to do the game in the first place.’ I weren’t sticking up for Tommy. He weren’t right doing the things he did, but Jack had a choice to go along with it. Jeysus, I sounded like my boyfriend now. Boyfriend … ? Since when had I started seeing Scott as my boyfriend?

‘Yeah, I know. I gotta change something. This can’t go on.’ He turned his head away from me and I realised that he’d dismissed me like a boss dismisses his employee. Well, maybe … I wouldn’t really know about that.

‘Then change it, Jack,’ I said, standing and walking out the room. Maybe it was time for us all to see that life could change.

Chapter Fourteen

‘What’s your problem?’ I heard his voice before I realised he was even behind me. I turned to see him glaring at me. He was flicking a fag. I was sitting on a bench in the park on my lunch break. The small area I often came to was quite crowded because the sun was showing its happy head for a change.

‘I ain’t got a problem, Tommy,’ I answered, turning back to my college prospectus. I’d even learnt how to say the word properly.

‘You think you’re better than us now?’ He came over and sat down. I turned to him, tempted to knock his head on the floor, just to get some bloody sense into him. Instead I just sighed and shrugged.

‘Is Mr Know It All your boyfriend now then?’

‘Hey … .You!’ someone shouted from behind us. We turned round and saw a familiar-looking face.

‘Shit!’ Tommy gasped, throwing his fag on the ground and jumping up as the boy he’d stabbed came over. What the bloody hell was gonna happen here? The kid didn’t look happy and I could feel Tommy gearing up for a fight.

‘It’s alright, Nat, I’ve got my knife,’ he muttered as he turned and stood his ground.

‘You’re joking, Tommy!’ I said, trying to grab at his arm. The anger in that bloke’s face was already causing trouble. How could Tommy still be walking about with a knife on him, after everything that had happened last time! Something in me wanted to turn away and abandon my friend. I wanted to scream for help and call the police. I’d never dobbed my friends in before. I would protect them from anything and everything, but this bugger just wouldn’t stop. I froze.

‘You’re the bastard that stabbed me!’ The boy glanced at me and also stopped dead. ‘And you’re the one who saved me. Why are you still hanging with him?’

What could I say? He was right. Tommy had almost killed this boy and here I was, still talking to him.

‘He’s my friend,’ I muttered, unsure where my balls had disappeared to. Where was the Natalie that would’ve stabbed someone who was threatening any of my family?

‘What do you want?’ Tommy called.

‘Revenge,’ he said, running full pelt at Tommy. I couldn’t watch this again, so I jumped in between them. Tommy was just about to lunge forward with his knife, but he pulled back. I could hear screams around us as the boy ran straight into me. He was a strong git and had me flying straight back into Tommy and his knife. I felt a pain in my arm as the blade sliced through it. A red mist went over my eyes as I staggered and threw out my clenched fist towards my friend. The friend who had just cut me. The friend who had just been prepared to kill someone. When my fist connected to his meaty head, I felt a satisfying crunch of nose under my not very strong knuckles. The boy pulled me away as I went to pound Tommy’s face in.

‘We need to get you to hospital,’ he said, pushing me to the floor to sit. The red disappeared and I looked down to see blood bloody pouring down my arm. The pain was nothing on the outside, compared to what was going on in my chest. Who needed friends like this? I heard a siren in the background and looked over at Tommy. He was staring at me with his big gaping a-hole mouth hanging open. He also showed some blood, which made me feel better. It was running out of his smashed nose. I suppose he would think we were even. He shook his head at me and then turned and ran away. The bitch actually left me sitting there with a stranger after knifing me.

‘Surely he isn’t your friend now?’ he said. I shook my head as those tears started to betray me. They ran down my cheeks and I had to wipe snot from my nose, which was really gross. The police and an ambulance arrived. Lots of people had come over to me, but I couldn’t make sense to anyone. I was sniffling and sobbing all at the same time. The boy stayed with me and came in the ambulance, even though I tried to make him go. It was strange, but then I suppose he just wanted to return the favour I’d done for him.

‘Thank you for saving my life,’ he said as we sat in the back of the ambulance. I’d finally stopped my girly bawling and didn’t want to speak.

‘Thank you for helping me,’ I replied, hoping he’d leave it at that.

‘You could do better, you know. With friends I mean.’

I looked down at my wrapped arm. The knife had sliced me on the forearm and I needed some stitches.

‘You can choose who you hang around with. You seem like you’re a decent girl,’ he kept talking when I didn’t answer him.

‘I’m not so sure. Not long ago I would’ve done anything to protect my friend. We’re a family,’ I whispered the end of my sentence. My friend family was feeling more broken than my real- life family.

‘Well, I’m not sure I’d like a friend like yours.’ He turned to look out the front and I felt a surge of heat go through my messed up body.

‘Don’t judge him, okay?’ I turned from him, too, ignoring him as he shrugged. An image of a kid that had been used as a punch bag came into my mind. Tommy had been through shit a few times and come back through it too.

‘He still has a choice,’ the boy whispered, reminding me of Scott. I wanted to defend him. I wanted to call this annoying boy out, but I couldn’t. He was right. We were all old enough now to change our lives.

Chapter Fifteen

‘Nat!’

I heard the shout behind me. I turned to see Scott and Tiffany running towards me. I was on my way home from work. My arm was healing nicely and I was due to have the dressing taken off the next day. It was a right pain in the arse having a big white thing on your arm.

‘Guess what?’ Tiff giggled, grabbing my good arm and spinning me around. I was gonna push her away but her excitement was catching. I laughed as she jumped in the air.

‘Bloody tell me then, will you?’ I said. Scott came up to me when Tiff let go and kissed me on the cheek. I pushed him away, feeling my face flame up like a candle. He was such a soppy git.

‘I got into an arts school!’ Tiff ran around me, making my head go funny.

‘Tiff, stop will you! When did you even try out? Why didn’t you tell me?’ I didn’t know what to feel. My bestie had gone behind my back, but had managed to achieve something that we never thought she could.

‘I’m sorry, but what with everything going on I didn’t want to jeopardise it. I just needed to concentrate on getting in. That’s why I ain’t really been around.’

She had stopped moving and was now holding my hands. I squeezed them as my eyes threatened to overflow. I wasn’t as hard as I used to be.

‘Well done, mate, that’s amazing!’ I said, wiping my eyes. Tiff hugged me and then left, shouting that she had to go and tell everyone.

‘Wow, she really did it, Scott, you were right all along. You said that we could change our lives if we changed how we looked at it. You’re really lucky to know that. How did you learn all that?’ I let him take my good hand and we started to walk. It felt weird, but butterflies were constantly living in my stomach when I was around him.

‘Can I show you something?’

I nodded and he led me to a church. We walked into the graveyard. We’d played ghost hunt here before and all I could picture was Jack pretending to be dead on one of the burials. Shaking my head, I bumped into Scott when he stopped walking. He was looking down at a stone. I followed his gaze and read the words on it.

‘Is that … ?’

‘Yes, that’s my mum. She died in an accident when I was ten. She taught me that no matter what happens in life, we have the power to rise above it and make our own choices. There is help out there when we need it and there’s love out there too, if we allow it.’ He looked at me as he spoke and I felt that heat come back onto my face. What was he saying? My heart was doing a nutty drumming session in my chest and my lungs were trying to breathe, but I’m sure they weren’t working probably.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know,’ I whispered. Al l along I’d thought that he was a stuck-up rich boy, but he’d faced just as much crap as we had. He’d chosen to let it change him for good, instead of bad. He’d been brave enough to actually get off his arse and think good stuff about the world. He’d chosen not to judge me cos I’d gone the other way. He lifted his hand and put it under my chin. I didn’t wanna look at him, but he pulled my face up. His beautiful blue eyes were glittery in the sun as he smiled at me. It was one of those sexy smiles, where one corner of his lips went higher in his cheek. I have to admit that my stomach was like strawberry jelly now. He leant forward and allowed his forehead to rest against mine. I didn’t pull away as our breath intertwined. This feeling was so amazingly amazing. He was still looking into my eyes as our lips brushed together briefly. My eyes closed as he pulled away for a split second and then came back for more. The kiss deepened and I couldn’t think no more.

Chapter Sixteen

‘Scott and Natalie, sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G … ’ The singing came from behind us. We were sitting on a bench, not a tree. I jumped back from Scott, recognising Jack’s voice.

‘Shut up, will you,’ I said, spinning on the bench to see Jack and Tiff coming through the cemetery towards us. Jack was on his bike, like always. He was obsessed with that thing.

‘See, Jack, don’t you feel inspired by Tiffany? Why don’t you go to try-outs … ?’

Jack had always talked about doing something with his BMXing, but had never actually gone to any try-outs.

‘I can’t believe she’s done it. I mean … did she plug something in their ears before she sang?’ He stopped in front of us, resting his foot on the ground to steady the bike. Tiff sat next to me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it hard and making a kissing face. I slapped her arm, the cheeky mare! I glanced at Scott, who was ignoring us as he spoke to Jack.

‘I dunno mate, I’ve only ever ridden on my own and this bike ain’t any good really,’ Jack was saying as he puffed on a fag.

‘You’re awesome at riding and you know it! What’s the worst that could happen? I’m signing up for an art course at the college tomorrow.’ I smiled at my friend. Times were changing. I could feel it in my youthful bones.

‘Oh, woopie do!’ came a familiar voice from across the graveyard. Tommy was approaching us. He was really unsteady on his feet. I’d not seen or spoken to him since he’d knifed me. I weren’t about to sit here and let him ruin our day. I was about to jump up when Scott took my hand. I looked at him and he smiled. Yeah, yeah, I had a choice not to react to the bastard.

‘At least we’re doing something with our lives,’ Tiffany said, standing up and putting her hands on her skinny hips. Tommy walked straight up to her and sneered in her face. I was about to go to her rescue when Jack grabbed Tommy’s arm and pulled him away.

‘Come on, mate, what you been up to?’ he said, offering him a fag. Tommy took it as he swayed. He looked around at us and started to laugh. The tosser was off his head. I’d had it with him. Okay, so he might have had a rough time, but so had we all and we weren’t being a dick to our own friends. His gaze landed on my arm and a flash of something went through his eyes. He looked away from me and straight at Scott. He noticed our hands and snarled.

‘You shacking up with the goody-two -shoes? He replacing me then?’ He flicked the lighter a few times before managing to get it lit and using it on his fag.

‘I could never replace you, mate,’ Scott said before I could tell him to shove his fag up his cruel arse and smoke it there.

‘Trying to, though, I can tell. We used to be a family, you know? We were solid. We were one. Not any more though. Not since you got involved. It’s like everyone thinks that life is all fine and bloody dandy, but that ain’t reality. We came from nothing and we ain’t got a hope of going anywhere. When you lot remember that, you’ll come running back to me,’ Tommy said, gesturing with his fag. He stumbled a bit as he gave us his sermon. It was fitting in a place like this. I actually started to feel a tiny bit sorry for the lost lad. He was going nowhere and he could not see a way out of the nothingness he was in. I wanted to help him, but I knew that our time as a family had drawn its last breath of life. Sometimes you had to leave people behind. Not cos you didn’t care, but cos it was time for life to move on. If you’re constantly karate chopping upstream, instead of row row rowing your boat downstream, you got stuck. I was sick of being stuck. It was time to leave Tommy to fight his own battles. He didn’t care about us no more.

‘Come on, guys, let’s go,’ I said, standing up. It was getting late and dark. The rest followed my lead and we started to walk away from a friendship that had gone sour.

‘Wait, let me give you a lift,’ Tommy called, running all over the place as he caught up with us and lead us out of the graveyard. There was a beat up car parked up on the road.

‘Were did you get that from?’ Jack asked, looking at me. I noticed that there was a load of vodka bottles on the back seat. Two of them were empty.

‘I stole it, Bruv,’ Tommy laughed, running to the other side of the car. ‘Come on, where we going?’

‘Tommy, we ain’t getting in the car with you. What’s the matter with you? Things have gone too far and we ain’t playing this game no more,’ I shouted at him. My whole body was shaking like mad.

‘Oh, too good for me, are you? Well, screw you, guys, I’m going home.’ Tommy jumped into the car.

‘Don’t let him drive when he’s like that, he’ll hurt someone,’ Tiff called, pulling on Scott’s arm. He released me and opened the passenger door.

‘Scott, just leave him, will you,’ I said, trying to pull him away. When Tommy started the car, Scott jumped in with him.

‘Don’t worry, Natalie, I’m going to stop him.’

As he said that, he pulled the door closed and winked at me. The smile he gave me made my tummy flip-flop, which annoyed me considering the situation.

‘Scott, seriously … ’ My sentence was cut off as Tommy started the car and sped off down the road. We all ran into the middle of the street and watched as the car veered all over the place. It just about dodged another car that beeped, but then a split second later, it veered straight into a massive tree on the side of the road. The ringing in my ears after the smash had me holding my hands over them. What the hell had just happened? Jack was already riding towards the car on his bike. Tiff was squeezing my hand as she screamed. We started to run. We could see smoke starting to rise out of the front of the car. It took a few minutes, but when we got there, I could see Jack pulling Tommy free from the car. I ran to the passenger’s side. My heart was pounding the inside of my ribs to escape my chest. I saw the front of the car had completely crumpled. When I got to the window, I saw the glass all over the floor. Scott’s airbag hadn’t come out. He was sitting in the seat. There was blood all over his face and I could see a massive gash in his forehead. Only a few short minutes ago that skin had been smooth and touching my own. I tried to pull on the door, but it was jammed. The rest of the car had melted into it. I could feel tears as they ran off my face. I pulled and pulled, but I couldn’t get the bloody door open. I heard my name being whispered and looked at Scott. His beautiful blue eyes were open. He was smiling at me. I leant in the window and took his hand.

‘Oh, Scott, thank god! Are you okay?’ I couldn’t take my gaze away from his. The look in his eyes was one that I hadn’t seen in my life often.

‘I love you, Natalie, you know that don’t you?’ he whispered, squeezing my hand tight. I held on to him. I wanted to try and get him out, but he needed me by his side.

‘Yeah, I sorta guessed. You’re my stalker after all,’ I laughed at the same time as crying, which was a mission in itself. He laughed and then coughed. I tried not to scream when a bit of blood leaked out of his mouth.

‘Scott, oh God,’ I tried to pull away.

‘Don’t leave me. Listen to me. It’s okay, Nat, I’m fine.’

‘How can you say that you’re fine?’ I didn’t know what to do. I wanted so much to try and get help but I didn’t want to let him go.

‘Just remember what I told you. You have the choice to change and be who you want to be. Look at things better, babe. Your life’s going to be amazing.’ He choked again and blinked briefly. What was he talking about? He couldn’t go anywhere. I’d only just found him.

‘No, Scott, please don’t … I love you too,’ I cried. I was trying so hard not to let my tears flow but I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t be hard. I couldn’t hold in my emotion. This posh boy had shown me that I could live a great life but now he was dying in front of me. I lent further into the car and kissed him. It was a soft kiss and I felt him return it gently.

‘Don’t worry about me, seriously, just make your life great,’ he whispered. I pulled away just as his eyes fluttered closed. I shook my head as his hand went limp in mine. This couldn’t be happening. I started to scream and sob. I was pulled away from the car. The paramedics were trying to get to him but I knew it was too late. The only person that had ever shown me how to love had just left me.

Chapter Seventeen

I walked through the door and sat in the stall. I could see through the glass screen. They were wheeling him into the room. He had scars over his face and his hands were shaking as they gripped the side of the chair. His alright looking face was a mess and I felt guilty at how pleased I was. They placed him in front of me and then went away. I picked up the phone and gestured to his. He reached for it, but it took him a few goes to get it to his ear.

‘Hello,’ I said, looking straight into his sad eyes. He couldn’t look at me. I felt like I wanted to break his fat neck. I wished that it was him, instead of Scott that had died.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. The hard-arsed boy fell apart in front of me, allowing a life time of major pain to come out.

‘Really … ? I don’t believe you, Tommy,’ I spat. ‘You killed him.’

Tears were running down my cheeks, but I ignored them. Hopefully the bastard would see what he’d done to me.

‘Nat. I fucked up, I know. I’m seriously sorry. I ain’t ever gonna walk again. I deserve it, I know, but still … ’ he stopped talking as the shaking overtook his body. The guards rushed forward as he started to slip out of his wheelchair. I put my hand over my mouth as I watched the boy that I’d once loved like a brother, suffer. The fits had started after the accident. I closed my eyes as they got him on the floor and into the recovery position. I stood up when they asked me to leave the hospital wing. Tommy was gonna be inside for a long time, but that was the path he’d chosen. He was lucky that he was on the other side of the glass cos I would’ve been tempted to kick his arse when he was down. As I watched him pass out on the floor, I knew that Scott had come into my life to show me that there was another way. Tommy had chosen to act like a prick and the life that he now looked forward to made me shake my head in disgust. He got everything he deserved for killing my boyfriend.

I left the prison and started to walk. I didn’t know where I was going but I needed to clear my jumbled head. I took deep breaths to calm the fire that threatened to make me kill someone. Jumping onto the bus, I looked out of the window. I didn’t see London as it passed by. When I got off, I found myself outside the graveyard. My feet took me through the gate and to the resting place of my soulmate. I would never forget how he made me feel. Everything that I now did in life was gonna be for him. Life was still unfair though, why had they taken him from me? Look at life better he’d said, but how could I do that? I constantly wanted to kill someone. I wanted to try and get rid of the pain in my still beating heart. I looked down at the fresh earth that covered the man that had tried to get me away from the bastard that had killed him. I knelt on the ground and felt the tears sky dive off the end of my nose.

‘What the bloody hell do I do now?’ I whispered to him.

My phone burst out in music and I grabbed it out of my pocket. It was my mother, probably checking to see if I was okay. I was amazed at how much she’d been there for me through this. I pressed ignore and saw her name flash away. My screen photo showed up and I shook my head at the picture Scott had drawn me. It said four words.

You have a choice.