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I stare at the woman who gave birth to me. She’s out on the dance floor pressed up against that Slick guy. We spoke briefly before the ceremony. The way he holds her and stares into her eyes, it doesn’t take a fool to know that he cares about her. He’s a handsome man with a gruff voice that I found soothing in a way. There’s a maturity to him. Like he has an old wise soul.
I’m not sure how I expected Lily to be in appearance. It kind of freaks me out how much we favor in the looks department. There’s no denying that we’re related. It’s like looking into a mirror of the future. Dark wavy hair. Curvy body with some meat on her bones. She has a gorgeous smile and kind eyes despite the scar that marks her face. I wonder if she was in an accident. She’s younger than I imagined.
I respect that she’s honoring my wish for distance right now. I’m sure she’s curious and part of me is too. However, the rejected little girl who hides inside me is still hurt. What if she rejects me all over again?
“C’mon. Let’s dance.” Holy drags me onto the dance floor.
I confess the scene around us though in a biker bar is romantic. Candles lit, twinkling lights, love songs playing loud. We blend into the crowd. I didn’t know bikers danced. I don’t know why I have so many preconceived notions about them, being here among them I realize they’re people like anyone else.
They still intimidate me slightly.
My own sexy biker pulls me in close smelling of the road, liquor, and tobacco. I breathe him in wanting to let the rest of the world burn around us as long as I have this. Right now, he only has eyes for me. Even though I’m completely out of place with how dressed down I am right now, I push away thoughts of not belonging. Because in this moment I belong here with Holy. With my Benicio.
I put my head on his shoulder as we sway to the music. Closing my eyes, I get lost in him and the soulful sound of Elvis Presley crooning over the speakers, “Can’t help falling in love.” I probably smell terrible, and there’s nothing more I’d love than a hot shower but in his arms everything fades away. The past. Everyone around us. He holds me tight whispering sweet nothings that I pray turn into something. From his lips to heaven’s ears.
He murmurs the lyrics completely out of tune, but to me it’s perfect. Pure magic.
We spin around the room dizzy and intoxicated by one another. I melt into him.
Nothing or no one can touch us. Except the song ends much too soon, the enchantment breaks, and we’re returned to reality. The one where I’m here against my will and there’s another woman who thinks she has a claim on him and his heart.
A harder, more rock song starts and Holy pulls me toward the buffet. “Need to eat something.”
He’s not wrong, we’ve not had anything since early this morning before we left Tennessee. He hands me a plate and starts piling some pasta salad and fried chicken on it.
I take my plate back to the table while he talks shit with some of his brothers.
I don’t mind being left on my own. It’s interesting to see him here in his element. To watch him with the men he refers to his brothers. He has a family here.
He has a life built here. One that never included me in his plans.
Can we make this work?
Will they accept me in his life?
A lot of expectant eyes are on us both. I’m sure they are all curious about me and why Holy and I are inseparable. Especially if up until this week he was seeing that Joanie bitch. He says that she meant nothing to him, but I saw him wince the moment he saw her.
You don’t react that way to someone who means nothing to you but casual sex. Not in my experience. A few females glance my way, and my resting bitch face seems to be doing the trick to keep them away. I’m sure they are nice enough, but I can’t help but wonder if Holy has fucked them too. I don’t know my place here. I shouldn’t be jealous and yet I am.
The thought of any woman being with him who isn’t me makes me want to throw-up.
I eat the pasta but skip the chicken. The chair next to me slides out. Viking. The biker who was with him at the motel folds himself into the seat. Shit.
“Don’t know what your deal is or what kind of spell you put on my brother, but I don’t like you. Definitely don’t like your cunt friend who rolled my ass.”
“I understand. I’m sorry for that. Truly. You don’t know me. Holy does. I’m guessing he hasn’t told you that we grew up together.”
His brows drawn inward. “First I’m hearing of it.” I think it’s sweet that he cares about him. Viking comes off all hard and rugged in appearance with his broad shoulders and menacing tattoos, but I bet deep down he’s a softy.
“He was my first love. I’d never do anything to hurt him. You can believe that or not. You don’t like me. That’s fair and I don’t care. I can get your money back. Tell me how much she took.”
“Not about the money for me. Bitch drugged me. My body is a temple. I might smoke weed, but I don’t do anything else. Don’t appreciate my mind being fucked with.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say here.”
“Want you to know that if you fuck with my boy Prez’s niece or not you’ll have me to contend with. That’s all I came over here to say. Don’t fuck him over and we won’t have any problems.”
“Noted.”
“Good.”
“You should know that what I feel for Beni, Holy as you know him. It’s not something that will ever go away for either of us. I’ve always loved him. We’ve just reconnected. I don’t know what the future holds. I only know I want him in it.”
“We’re on the same page then.”
He shoots me a smile that lets me know that although he doesn’t particularly like me, he’s not going to be a problem.
“Everything good over here?” Holy comes at the end of our conversation.
“We’re straight. I am kind of tired though. Where am I sleeping?”
Viking does some stupid hand slap thing with Holy then bounces.
“Got a room here or we can go to my place for more privacy.”
“Can we go to your place?”
“Yeah. Whatever you want. Did Viking say something to you?”
“No. He’s just looking out for you.”
“What’d he say?”
“Nothing. Though I am curious if you two are so tight and all, why didn’t he know we share a past?”
“Because I don’t like to talk about that shit. It’s done. We’re past all that. Only thing that matters is you’re here now.”
“Is that the only reason?”
“Yeah. Why?”
I shrug and pick at the skin on my chicken even though I have no plans to eat it. I’m fidgeting. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re ashamed of my being a stripper. I mean you did think I was a paid sex worker.”
“Now you’re trying to pick a fight. I’d never be embarrassed of you. Want me to shout it out here and now?” He cocks a brow and grabs a fork off the table using it to tap the side of his bottle of Budweiser. “Everyone, listen up. I’ve put my claim in on Hazel.”
Hoots and hollers erupt drowning out the music and that sensation of being unwanted and unwelcome fades. I grasp to the edges, not wanting to lose the familiar emotion. It’s all I’ve ever known.
I’ve always been on my own. Nowhere to truly call home. No family to call my own outside of what Beni and I had as kids. Kindness has never been a friend of mine. I’ve been pushed around one too many times. Ran when things got remotely real or complicated. There’s always been this voice inside me telling me I had better run. My heart beats rapidly in my chest.
I want to run. I’m scared of what we could be and how it’ll destroy me if this doesn’t work.
Anxiety clings to me like a second skin with all focus in the room shifted to the two of us.
Multiple club members and their Ol’ Ladies approach us to congratulate Holy and welcome me into their fold. The attention is overwhelming. The room spins around me as I try to take it all in and remember their names. Lily’s gaze pierces me as does the ugly scar her makeup fails to hide. I know I don’t owe her anything, but maybe it’s time I stop running and face things head on with Holy at my back.
Time to confront the past and let go of the chains that have been holding me hostage there.
“Hazel, can we talk?”
“Yeah sure.” I nod and squeeze my man’s hand for support.
“Someplace more private?”
“Of course, but I’d prefer Beni comes with me.”
“Um, whatever makes you more comfortable.”
“We can go to my office.”
I turn to Holy. “You have an office?”
“That so hard to believe?”
“Uh yeah.” He’s full of surprises.
He chuckles. “C’mon.” He leads us down a hallway past a portrait of a young woman who favors me in some ways. Though her hair is darker as are her eyes.
“Who is she?”
“That’s your cousin Rochelle. My brother James or as you might know him Murder’s daughter. She’s deceased,” Lily tells me.
“What happened to her?”
“Car accident.”
An overwhelming sadness washes through me. She was beautiful. How loved she must have been to be honored in such a way. My initial impression of my uncle softens. Her loss had to of hurt him deeply. A pang of jealousy momentarily hits me. I don’t know who my father is or was. Did he want me? Did he know about me?
We pass by a door that says President on the outside. The next reads Chaplain. “You were serious,” I murmur as he unlocks the door. I enter and am surprised there’s a small desk and a couch like you’d see in a therapist office. I don’t know what I expected, but this definitely wasn’t it.
“You two sit,” Holy orders Lily and me to the couch while he takes a seat behind the desk. “Pretend I’m not even here.”
Like he doesn’t dominate my every thought.
The whole situation is tense and awkward. I sit on the edge of the couch near the door ready to bolt. My birth mother sits on the opposite end wisely giving me some space.
“Hazel, thank you for agreeing to this. I wasn’t sure you’d come.”
I don’t tell her I wasn’t given much of a choice. That I came here cuffed and collared by a possessive lunatic. Or that part of me enjoys being his captive. “I wasn’t sure I would either to be honest.”
“I understand, and I don’t want you to think I have any expectations, but I’d really love it if we could get to know each other.”
“I appreciate that. I just...this is a bit overwhelming.”
“I can see that. You and Holy are together? I’m confused. How long have you known each other?”
“Since we were kids.”
Lily balks at the information and lets out a small gasp. “That long. I had no idea.” Her eyes narrow into slits, and she glares at Holy.
I feel the need to defend him, though I don’t think we owe her any explanations. “We lost contact but yeah, he knows me better than anyone.”
“Why? Why wouldn’t you have told me that? I gave you her picture and you said nothing. You knew my daughter and didn’t say a word.” Her eyes brim with tears.
I don’t want to have remorse for her or care that she’s hurt by this revelation. The woman turned her back on me the second I was born.
“Had my reasons. Hazel wants to share her side of our past with you then that’s her choice. Wasn’t going to take it from her.”
“My search for her—it brought you back together?” she hedges. I guess she’s wondering how long he’s kept me a secret.
“It did,” I answer. “I thought I’d never see Benicio again, but I’m glad he’s back in my life. He was always there for me. He’s my real family. The only person who has ever given a damn about me.” The truth may hurt her but there it is. Benicio has always been the realest. The one to love me. The emotions of it hit me square in the chest. It’s him. It always has been. Time separating us be damned.
“I never stopped loving you. I don’t want you to think I rejected you. I wanted you to have a better life. I wasn’t mentally in a place to care for you. I don’t expect you to forgive my choices, but I hope you can understand them. You see I was raped.” Her hand moves to the scar on her face.
My stomach drops.
“I wished for death. It was one of my darkest times. My husband. Your father.” She pauses briefly, staring at her hands clasped in her lap. “He tried to move past it and when I became pregnant, I thought he had. Only he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened to me. He blamed himself and couldn’t get past the thought that you might not be his. He took his own life and my brother. James. He murdered the man who raped me and went to prison for it. I was alone and scared. I couldn’t handle taking care of a child. I’m sorry for that, but never think that you weren’t loved or wanted. Giving you up was my greatest act of love. It’s the best I could give you. I was at my lowest.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.” I try to take it all in, but it’s all so much to unpack. What happened to her is completely fucked. Hard to be mad at someone who has experienced that much loss and pain.
“You don’t need to. Just consider giving me an opportunity to be the mom now that I couldn’t be for you then. That’s all I am asking for is a chance. I’ll be in town a while longer. I’m staying at Alexa’s. Do you... do you have a place to stay?”
“Yeah, with me,” Holy answers for me.
“Right. Okay. Well, it’s getting late, so I’ll get out of your hair. I’m sure you have things to talk about. Maybe we can have lunch in a couple of days. You could come over to Alexa’s. I can cook.”
“Maybe.” Damn my heart hurts. The walls close in around me. I want to hate her. I want to bolt from this room. From this clubhouse and never look back, but then I look at him. At Holy.