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“I said I’m fine.” I stand outside of Holy’s SUV after we dropped my car at his house and returned the trailer we used to pull it here on. I covered up the bruising on my face with makeup. It’s not the physical damage I’m worried about. I’m lucky that worse wasn’t inflicted on me. I’m sore and beaten down but I’ll survive.
“Far from fuckin’ fine, babe. You can lie to yourself, but I see it written all over your face. If you won’t do it for you, do it for me. Because even though I know one of them sorry fucks are dead it isn’t doing anything to quieten the rage filling me right now.”
“It won’t change what happened. It is what it is. I was raped like you said I would be. You warned me, and I thought that will never happen to me. I’m smarter than that. I’m better than that. Now look at me. Used and degraded. I’d try to understand if you said you want out.”
“The fuck do you mean an out? You’re my wife.”
“What I said. I know it’s not easy to accept. Been damaged goods since I was in the womb. I won’t blame you. I’d want to leave me. I wouldn’t want me.”
“I’ll never not want you. I’m the one you should be mad at. I didn’t protect you. I failed you. Promised you’d be safe with me and what they did to you, Hazel. I can’t forgive myself. This isn’t on you. I let you down and broke my vows.” His tone and his words scare me. He’s talking like he will leave me.
I know I said I’d try to understand, but I need him. If he left me right now it’d kill me.
“You aren’t a superhero. Only a man.” I suck in a breath wanting to take my words back. “I didn’t mean it. Don’t give up on us. Don’t walk away from me. You swore you’d love me forever.”
“I’m not good enough for you. You’re the one who should want to cut me loose.”
“It’s not on you. You warned me. Stupid games. Stupid prizes, yeah? But I’m not going anywhere. Unless you’re trying to tell me to leave.”
“Fuck no. But I think you need to talk to someone and your mom—”
“She’s not my mom.”
“Not the point. She’s been through it. Talk to her. Please. Fuck, babe.”
“If I talk to her, will you drop it and never bring it up again?”
“Can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Need to acknowledge it and work on healing. Afraid if you bottle this shit up its going to fester and destroy us. You gotta face this. We both do.”
“Fine. I’ll talk to her, but I want it on record that I am not happy about this. I don’t want people to look at me differently. I don’t want you scared to touch me. Afraid it will break me. I’m not like other people. I refuse to be a victim. I am not a victim.” Tears start and I hate it. I don’t want to feel pathetic. “I don’t want those bastards to think they got anything from me. Because they didn’t. I’m in control. Not them. They don’t own me. They...” Holy pulls me into his arms and holds me so tight I can’t breathe. “They don’t exist.”
“I’m going to find him and rip him limb from limb,” he vows.
“They’re nothing. Scum. Yet I can still feel them,” I confess as the hold on my sanity collapses. “I need my pills.” I shove at his chest needing space. I don’t want to be touched right now. I don’t want him to even look at me, but I need him to stay.
“What?”
“I’ve been off my birth control a few days,” I remind him.
“Lily is going to take care of you, okay? This is what she does.”
I nod, but deep down I know I am so far from okay. How can he look at me and not be disgusted? If I could scrub my skin off I would.
“Give her an hour. I gotta take care of a few things. I’ll be back soon as I can.”
“You’re leaving me here? Alone?” The fear of abandonment bubbles in my throat. “No. No way. Just give me my car keys.” I want to stomp my foot but that will only make me seem more childish and like I can’t take care of myself. I nearly drop to my knees to beg him to stay or to take me far away. But no matter how far I run nothing will change what happened.
He’s right I have to face it and accept it. I can’t hide or run.
“Slick’s here. If it gets to be too much for you, he can take you home. He’s a good man. I trust him and so does Lily.”
“Whatever.”
“I get you’re upset with me, but I’m doing this for you.” He kisses my temple. “Need you to be strong.”
“Ugh. That’s not fair. You’re being sweet and making sense.”
“I’m an asshole in that way.”
“You’re far from an asshole.” Maybe it’d be easier if he were. If he pushed me away.
He leads me up on the porch of a two-story home that belongs to Alexa. The chick who married my uncle. I stand back uncomfortable and ready to bolt. Running is all I’ve known but this time is different. There’s more than myself to consider. I’m married now. I don’t know what good he thinks this will do, but I’ll humor him this one time.
My husband knocks and the door swings open. Lily greets us. “Please come in. I wasn’t sure what you’d want to eat so I made chicken and dumplings.”
I shoot lasers at the back of Holy’s head. He told her. It’s always been a favorite of mine. We enter the house and the first thing I notice is the vibrant mustard colored couch.
“Are you hungry?”
“We’re starved,” he answers for me, dragging me along to the dining room and forcing me into a chair. “Sit. I’ll fix your plate.” I can see the kitchen from where I sit. I glance around the room. It’s homey and comfy with warm colors and little touches of knick knacks that say this house has been well lived in. It’s what a home should feel like.
“What would you like to drink? There’s water, milk, sweet tea, soda.” Lily grabs a glass out of a nearby cabinet.
“Tea works.” I shake my leg under the table. I hate this. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to eat her food.
“Holy?”
“Same.”
With niceties out of the way and plates filled, the three of us sit at the table eating in an awkward silence waiting for someone to make the first move.
Her gaze lingers on my wedding band. “Are you...” Confusion crosses her face, and she stares at Holy. “The two of you?” The fork in her hand darts between the two of us.
“Yeah, but that’s not why we’re here. Slick was supposed to fill you in.”
Her fork hits her plate with a clang, and she exhales before taking a drink of milk. “I was hoping he read that conversation wrong.” She nods. “Excuse me for just a second.”
I glare at my husband, and he shrugs.
Lily returns quickly. “Do you have any allergies? On any medication? Drug use I should know about?”
“No.”
“Good. Take these.” She tucks three pills into my palm. “Antibiotics. Plan B. You’ll need to go to a clinic and get tested for STDs. I don’t have the capabilities here. Do you need something for the pain? Did they...were they rough? Are you bleeding?”
Bile boils in the pit of my stomach. The urge to vomit grips me. A million what ifs race through my thoughts. Heat flashes across the base of my neck. I blink as anxiety and fear course through my veins like venom.
I push my chair back. “I need air.” I race through the back door and the cool air hits my cheeks as I gasp for my next breath with sweaty palms. The medication sticks to my skin. My mouth is too dry to take them without a drink. Why? Why did this happen to me? Why didn’t I fight back harder? I’m a killer and I don’t even care. Bruno deserved to die. He deserved a slow torturous death. What he subjected me to was heinous. Max is still out there somewhere. Holy put a bounty on his head. I don’t expect him to last long.
I keep attempting to block the incident out, but there’s no escaping or hiding from the truth. I was violated. I was raped by not one but two vile men.
“Hazel, I know it doesn’t seem like it now but you’re going to survive this,” Lily attempts to placate me.
“I’m not an after school special. I’m not going to spill my dark secrets to you while we bake cookies and braid each other’s hair.”
“You don’t have to like me or accept my help, but if you hold onto this anger, you’ll lose yourself, and I’d hate to see that happen. You’re so strong and resilient. I know that you had a hard life and for that I’m sorry. Had I known I’d like to think I would have made different choices, but we can’t go back, and I don’t live in the past. I forgave myself a long time ago. Maybe one day you’ll do the same.”
“Thanks for the pep talk.”
“I don’t live around here. I live a few hours away up north, but my door will always be open to you. Holy went to run his errands. You’re welcome to come back to the kitchen and eat or hang out and watch Tv in the living room. I’ll give you your space. If you need anything I’ll be upstairs.”
I hear the door close, and I suck in a breath. She’s not wrong. I’m taking my anger out on her. What happened to me isn’t her fault. That’s on me for trusting Crystal and making the choices I did. There’s no one to blame but me. My nails dig into my palms creating crescent shaped grooves. I stand in the backyard staring at the grey sky simply breathing. I stay rooted in place until the tip of my nose turns red and numb.
My body aches. Truthfully it hurts to walk.
I return to the kitchen and dump my old glass of tea in the sink, I pour myself a new glass and wash down my pills. On the table is a bottle of pain pills. I swallow my pride and two of them for good measure.
It’s not my house, but I need something to do. I clean up the food and put away the leftovers. Then I start on the dishes. I could kill Beni for deserting me. For leaving me here with strangers. When I burn through kitchen clean up, I walk around the downstairs staring at the pictures on the walls. The familiar pang in my chest that aches deep in my soul returns. The one that says I don’t belong here. That dares me to run and never look back.
The front door opens, and that Slick dude comes inside.
“Cold out there,” he states and wipes his boots on the rug.
“Yeah,” I answer, not wanting to appear rude. “Holy said you’d give me a ride back to his place?”
“Sure. Let me tend to Lily a minute and we can head out.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“No problem.” He hits the stairs taking them two at a time with his long legs.
I drop my ass to the ugly as sin couch and wait. I don’t know if I can do this. Stay here in West Virginia with Holy. Be his Ol’ Lady. I thought I could handle it, but the urge to be on my own burns in my gut. Who was I kidding thinking that I’d ever have a happy ending? I was born unlucky and bad. Benicio finding me again seems downright cruel. I had a taste of happiness. A taste of that beautiful life for one night.
I should get in my car and drive until I run out of money or gas, whichever happens first. Only now I’ve tasted beauty. I’ve held the promise of a life with the man I’ve always loved, and I don’t want to give him up.
The vines of hate and self-loathing wrap around my body trying to claim me and hold me prisoner. I have to be stronger. Fight harder.
“You’re leaving?” Lily questions as she comes down the stairs with Slick trailing her.
“Yeah. I have so much to do. Thank you for...well thank you.” The words burn my tongue, but I get them out. More for her than me.
“I hope...” she leaves it there, and I shoot her a weak smile.
“Me too,” I whisper.
Me too.