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Months Later
I’m good until night comes and I close my eyes. Then the darkness comes. The weight of their bodies crushing my soul. The way they smelled of sweat and bad decisions. The nightmare spins around in my head like a record stuck on repeat. Their grunts and insults providing the soundtrack to the worst day of my life. The way they tarnished something so beautiful breaks my heart and kills the memory of my best day. The day Holy asked me to be his wife. The day we said I do. That night was full of magic.
If I could live in that day forever I would. The snow falling. The fire crackling. The softness of the bear skin rug. The beauty of our bodies joined.
That memory becomes distorted. He morphs into Bruno. Hateful and evil. A demon walking on earth and roaming my dreams.
Some moments when I’m alone with nothing but morbid thoughts I think about ending it all to escape the pain. To dull it all and free fall into the void of nothingness but then I wouldn’t have him. Benicio. My Beni. My biker.
His love.
His love is what saves me.
He’s what guides me back to light, reminding me that our love story is beautiful or at least it will be.
When he comes home to me all the bad fades away. When it’s just the two of us and nothing else exists. I know it’s not healthy to be that dependent on him. To put the responsibility of my survival on his shoulders, but he never once makes me question the way he loves me. When the darkness spills from my dreams and into reality all I have to do is latch onto him. Take his hand in mine, touch his ring. His promise that he’ll always be the one to keep me sane and keep me out of the hell that is the past.
I’ve been hiding away and dancing around Benicio and everyone else for weeks redoing the house. Repainting the walls. Buying new furniture. Making it all our own. But I know I can’t keep putting this off. I can’t keep putting him off. I’ve been holding back but so has he.
Tonight though I’m making a real effort. Going with my husband to get my property patch tattoo and to a party at the clubhouse. The secret is out of the bag. Everyone knows we’re married, and they want to celebrate. To welcome me officially to the family.
I’ve made one friend. Allowed one person into my safe bubble where nothing or no one can hurt me.
I’ve been hanging out with Andi. She’s been helping me fix up the place when Beni was needed elsewhere. She’s not an Old Lady. She’s good friends with my cousin and also one of the only women who doesn’t seem to be pregnant. Alexa, Murder’s woman is pregnant with twins. Wylla Mae, Jules, and Pam are all three pregnant too. I swear that shit must be in the water.
Apparently, it’s a big deal that Pam is pregnant because her and Link have always had trouble trying to conceive which is why they adopted their son. Then Link cheated and that was a whole other mess. I think Andi only told me all the gossip so I wouldn’t feel left out or lost in conversation. Everyone is all up in everyone else’s business, and I need to prepare myself for them to all pry into mine.
I confess the idea of them—the old ladies and the club intimidates me. I’ve never had a real true family outside of my man. Lily keeps reaching out, but I don’t know that we’ll ever have a traditional mother daughter relationship. I’m trying to make an effort. It’s just hard.
I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body to see my man leaning against the door frame watching me. “What are you doing?” I quickly grab my robe and slide my arms through the holes and secure it at the waist.
“You know there’s a bet going between the brothers and the Ol’ Ladies.”
“Oh yeah?” I raise a brow.
“They got a pool on how long it takes me to knock you up.”
My stomach flip flops. “What? That’s crazy.”
“That’s what I said.” He gets this soured expression on his face like he swallowed something nasty.
“Okay...is this something you want to talk about?”
“You tell me, Hazel?”
“What are we fighting about?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem.”
“So, you’re mad and arguing with me because we don’t fight?”
“We coexist. Like two strangers passing in a grocery store.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’ve been patient. Been waiting for you to initiate something. Anything. You don’t talk to me unless it’s to ask about a paint swatch or fucking pillows. I don’t give a fuck about no paint or signs with cute phrases on them.”
“You don’t like the decorations?”
“You’re on autopilot, and I keep waiting for the day you crash. I touch you but you don’t feel me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re scared of your own shadow. You don’t leave the house unless Andi picks you up and you can avoid seeing anyone associated with the club. You’re so scared to feel anything real you won’t even let me fuck you without a rubber. And even then, it’s like you’re not there.”
“You think I don’t feel you?”
“You’ve lost your spark, and I thought I was doing the right thing. But you’ve crawled so far inside yourself I don’t think you even realize it. I’m scared to death that one day you’ll disappear altogether. It’s been months and you...”
He doesn’t get to finish because my hand whips across his face.
He rubs his jaw and smiles at my outburst. “There it is. Finally.”
“What?”
“A real fucking reaction. I’ve gone about this all wrong.” He grabs hold of my wrists and jerks me into the bedroom. My robe is torn open and the towel beneath it drops to the floor and my first reaction is to cover myself. “See there you go hiding again.”
I swallow and close my eyes.
He squeezes my chin. “Look at me, Hazel.”
“Get off me.”
“Make me.” He shoves me against the wall by the closet, holding my arms over my head.
“We’re going to be late.”
“What’s it matter if you don’t want to be there? Do you even really want to be here with me?” His knee presses between my thighs, spreading them apart.
“Why are you doing this?” I jerk my hands free, but he doesn’t give me an inch.
“Because you’re here but not really and I miss you. Miss the girl who gave no fucks and got in my face. Who wouldn’t take no shit from anyone. They broke you and I’ve been giving you space and time, but you’re stuck. I don’t want to live with a shadow. With your shell. I want you. Fuck.”
He closes his eyes, pain etched into his every feature. I’m destroying us, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know what else to do except be brutally honest with him.
“Sometimes I don’t know how to be with you because you keep waiting for me to freak out, but I didn’t want you to worry. You want the truth?”
His eyes flash open. He needs to hear this, and I need to say the words aloud. My palms slicken with sweat. A tent pitches in my stomach.
“There’s been days I could think of nothing but what happened. Days that I thought it’d be easier if I took a handful of pills and never woke up.”
“Jesus,” his voice cracks. He drops his forehead to mine. I’ve never saw Holy cry. Not even when he took beatings that would kill most grown men. I gaze into his eyes and see the water threatening to spill over the brims as he inhales deep through his nostrils.
“Only then I wouldn’t have you.”
I cup his jaw wishing I could read his thoughts.
“I love you, Hazel.” He slides my hand from his face, his expression one of torture.
I know I’m hurting him because it’s killing me to say these things to him.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you. The condom thing...I was waiting to know for sure that I didn’t have any diseases and that I wasn’t pregnant where my birth control got fucked up. I didn’t want to chance you catching something or my being pregnant then us both having it in the backs of our minds the baby might not be yours. You heard what Lily said about my father. I didn’t want history to repeat itself. If anything happened to you because of me.” I sniffle. “I couldn’t.” I shake my head as he swipes away my tears.
“The fuck are we doing?”
“Making each other crazy.” I shoot him a smile. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, but you can’t be having thoughts like that and keeping them bottled up. Gotta talk to me or someone.”
“I don’t want to die. I don’t want what happened to control or define me. I’m not their victim. I’m not.”
“We can’t continue on this path where I let you pretend that everything is fine. No more hiding or holding back. Not with me. Not anymore. You’ve got me at your back.”
“You don’t have to hold back with me either. Not ever. I know you have a side to you that needs expressed...you don’t have to hide that part of you from me because of what I endured. If you want to collar me, spank me, cuff me, or even choke me—I want to give you that. You say I’ve been hiding and holding back but so have you. You’ve been denying yourself to protect me. Unless you’ve been getting satisfaction somewhere else.”
His gaze shoots to his feet.
“Have you?”
“Have I what?”
“Been spanking whores at the clubhouse.”
His gaze pierces mine, hot, dark, and filled with fury. “You fucking think.” he shakes his head. “Because I’ve not been rough with you that I’ve been fucking around behind your back with other women? Jesus, Hazel. That’s seriously fucked up. I would never fucking step out on you.”
Pam thought her man wouldn’t either is what I want to say to him, but it isn’t fair to compare the two men. Holy and Link are nothing alike.
“Then why do you handle me with kid gloves?”
“You know why? I don’t want you to associate that shit they did to you with me. I don’t want to cause you pain. I don’t want you to see them when you look at me. I don’t want you to ever associate when I fuck you with anything negative.”
“You not being yourself with me kills me.”
“You want me?”
“Yes,” I cry. “Cuff me. Collar me. Show me that I’m yours. That you want me to the point of madness.”
He jerks my terry cloth robe off my shoulders and lifts me. My legs wrap around him. Our mouths fuse together, teeth clashing. His teeth graze down my neck, nipping, and marking me.
His movements are quick and disciplined as though he’s done them a million times. Jealousy shoots through me at the thought of anyone else getting this from him.
I need to know that I’m it for him. To be reminded the light in his eyes shines only for me. We’re nose to nose. His breath fans over my lips, and I shiver in anticipation.
“Don’t hold back. I’m yours to fuck any way you want.”
In response he carries me to the dresser where my diamond choker sits. Without a word he puts me on the bed to wrap it around my throat. This is exactly what we both need. For him to own me and me to be owned.
“Perfect.” He strokes my neck admiring the jewelry. “Got something else for you to wear tonight.” Beni taps me on the thigh. “Be right back.”
I watch curiously as he gets a box from the closet.
“Been waiting for the right occasion and tonight fits the bill.”
He can’t be serious. Panties that come equipped with a remote-control mini bullet vibrator.
“No way.” I shake my head.
“Just think.” He kneels in front of me and scoots me so that my ass hangs off the edge of the bed. “I can zap you at any time tonight, working you up for the moment I decide to pull you away from the party and fuck your brains out. You won’t know when it’s coming.”
“No way. Everyone will know.”
“Will they?” He grins and strokes his thumb over my clit. “How about a wager?”
I breathe in deep, focusing on his touch. “What kind of wager?”
“If you can get through an hour of the vibrator without an orgasm, I’ll let you cuff me and do anything you want to me.”
“And if I lose?”
“You invite your mom and Slick to dinner.”
I gulp. “One hour?”
“Get dressed.”
Shit.
I scurry to the closet and pull out my favorite jeans that make my ass look phenomenal. I want my man unable to resist me. I decide on a black halter top that shows my midriff but gives my girls exceptional coverage while still being sexy. I have to wear something that will give Roane easy access to do my tattoo without me having to go completely topless.
I dab some perfume on my wrists that Andi gave me. She said it’s some type of pheromone stuff she bought at her friend’s witchy type shop. She knows that Beni and I have been struggling and thought maybe it would help spice things up again.
I leave my hair down in long loose waves instead of straightening it like I usually do. It’s been a while since I got all gussied up for my man or myself. I add a few chunky silver bracelets and slip on a pair of black spiked heels with silver studs on them I bought when I was dancing but never wore. He doesn’t like me with a lot of makeup, so I keep it simple with red lipstick and mascara.
I can’t wait for my man to lay his eyes on me.