I swear I’m not avoiding Bradley over the next several days. I’m simply swamped with wedding-related tasks and medical appointments.
There’s an overnight trip to Portland for checkups with my nephrologist and transplant team. Apparently, all this stress requires an adjustment in my medications, though I refrain from sharing this with the family.
There’s also a rehearsal dinner catered by Sean, a six-course meal featuring dozens of delicacies that have me piling my plate with more bruschetta and chicken cordon bleu than any human ought to eat.
Then there’s the last-minute dress fitting where I discover I may have eaten a bit too much bruschetta.
“You’re sure it’s not too much trouble to let out the seams?” I bite my lip as the dressmaker—a lovely woman I’ve only just discovered is a Bracelyn cousin—adjusts a pin at my hem.
“Relax, girlfriend.” Valerie smiles and plucks another pin from her magnetic bowl. “I’ve got you.”
Girlfriend. I like that. Love it, actually, the thought that I’ve built these close but casual relationships with people connected to me by both blood and community. The thought of leaving them soon is almost too much to bear.
“Hey.” Lily sidles up to me and flashes her Cheshire cat smile as Val moves away to pin someone else’s dress. “You sure you’re not knocked up?”
“What?” Heat floods my face as I translate the colloquial phrase. “No! Of course I’m not—Lily.”
“Hmm?” Her eyes flash wide and innocent, but there’s nothing innocent about my sister-in-law. It’s my favorite thing about her. “I mean, it’s always a possibility,” she murmurs so no one else can hear. “Birth control can fail.”
She’s baiting me, of course. Waiting for me to insist I couldn’t possibly be pregnant because I haven’t had sex.
But the big, silly grin spreading over my face wipes that defense off the board. “I suppose anything’s possible.” I fight to fix my expression into something more Lily-like and less kid-with-a-popsicle giddy. “But doctors do tend to be keenly aware of the need to take precautions.”
“Get it, girl.” Lily beams and holds up a hand, which I obligingly smack. “I ran into Bradley at the coffee shop, and he never stopped grinning. Not even when the barista spilled coffee down the front of his pants. I took that as a sign things had moved to the next level for you two.”
“Oh, well—”
“Way to go, Iz.” Lily wraps an arm around me and gives me a tight squeeze. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks.” I’m unaccustomed to accepting praise for sexual conquests, but it’s a nice change of pace from being fawned over for my ball gowns. “I’m enjoying myself.”
“Good for you.” She cocks her head, studying me. “Any chance you’ll change your plans and stick around?”
A cold drip of guilt slithers down my spine, and I fight to keep my face from falling. “Afraid not,” I tell her. “But with luck, I’ll come back and visit.”
I don’t tell her how different things will be. I don’t have a glass ball, but it’s certain my whole life will change in just a few weeks’ time.
“I sure love having you here,” Lily says. “We all do. It’s like you’ve always been part of the family.”
Tears prick my eyes, and I blink them back. There’s a buzzing somewhere behind me and it takes a moment to realize it’s my phone. “Pardon me,” I say. “It’s probably my mother.”
I grab the phone and slip out the door into the hallway, careful to keep my dress from brushing against the rough plank walls. The readout on my screen is from a number I don’t recognize, and I hesitate before answering.
“Hello?”
“Isabella! I have some good news.”
Kathryn Parker’s cheer ripples down the phone line, and I’m instantly reminded how much I love her son’s smile. I’m so distracted by the memory of it that I almost miss what she’s just said.
“Good news,” I repeat, already grateful for it. “Is it about Kevin?”
“Congratulations,” she says. “You’ve been approved as a secondary foster.”
Relief, mixed with sadness, swishes through my veins. “That’s wonderful. Do they—are they aware I won’t be around much longer?”
“Of course. That’s the point of a foster like this. A chance to socialize the animal in multiple environments to give it the best chance of thriving in a forever home.”
“Wonderful.” I know I have no right to feel sad at the thought of Kevin having a forever home with someone else. It’s the way things have to be, so I push back my sadness. “When shall I come get him?”
“Hang on.” Her voice goes muffled, and I recognize the male voice in the background. My heart speeds up as Bradley comes on the line.
“Hey, Izzy,” he says. “Congratulations. Want me to bring Kevin over tonight?”
I should say no. I should keep a careful space between us and insist one of my brothers will bring me out later with a pickup truck suitable for transporting swine.
But my heart gives my voice box a different message than my brain would. “I’d love that,” I hear myself saying. “I can make dinner.”
“For me or for Kevin?”
“For both of you, of course. It’s the least I can do.”
“Don’t sweat it, Iz. I know you’ve got your hands full this week with wedding stuff. Isn’t tonight some kind of rehearsal thing?”
“Only for the children and parents.” I survey the hallway, trying to recall the state of my cabin. I’ll need to tidy before they arrive. “Mark and Bree need a little extra time with Libby and Brian to practice having the flower girl tow the ring bearer down the aisle without tipping the wagon.”
“Smart. Well, still, let me cover dinner. How about I pick up takeout from that vegan place you like?”
I love that he remembers the restaurants I favor, even if we’ve never been there together. There’s also no need to remind him about my dietary precautions. “That sounds lovely,” I tell him. “Thank you, Bradley.”
“Thank you.” The smile in his voice is even brighter than his mother’s. “I’ve been putting in crazy hours at the clinic this week, so I’m glad to finally get to see you.”
“Same. I can’t wait to see you.” It’s true, and I hate that it’s true, and I close my eyes as guilt curdles my gut. “I’m looking forward to it.”
He has no idea how much. I need to keep it that way, keep us both on the same page about this being a temporary thing. If he knew how much I want to be with him, want to spend every waking moment—
“Stop it.”
“Okay,” Bradley says, and I realize I’ve spoken aloud. “What am I stopping?”
I laugh because it’s such a Bradley thing to say. “Nothing. I’m sorry, just thinking out loud.”
“About needing to stop something?” He laughs. “Is this the opposite of positive thinking?”
“Yes, I’m all about the negative,” I reply primly. “A reminder to stop wishing I could have corndogs and cotton candy for every meal and be grateful for what I can have.”
Bradley’s quiet for a moment, and I pray I haven’t revealed too much with my poor—and mostly accidental—metaphor. “Whatever works,” he says at last. “So I’ll be there at six?”
“Can’t wait.” There’s a burst of muffled laughter behind me, and I glance down, remembering I’m still wearing my wedding attire. “I should go,” I tell him. “I need to take my dress off.”
He gives a low groan. “Thanks for that mental picture. Maybe we should meet now?”
I laugh and do my best not to imagine him dragging the zipper down, planting a soft trail of kisses along my spine as he cups my—
“Six will be fine,” I tell him. “I’m sure I can come up with some other items of clothing for you to remove.”
“I’m counting on it,” he says. “See you in a few hours, Iz.”
“See you.”
I hang up with guilt and excitement bubbling together in a toxic brew in my belly. Apparently, it’s done me little good avoiding Bradley these past few days. A poor choice, perhaps. Maybe I should have focused on spending as much time as possible with him before I have to go.
I glance behind me at the door to the dressing suite we’ve commandeered for our final fitting. It was Bree’s idea building this space, part of the luxury package she envisioned for the high-end weddings we host here. What would it be like to be part of that? Not just the team of siblings running the place, but the vision for Ponderosa Luxury Ranch Resort. Watching them work together these past few months, I’ve grown an acute awareness of what it’s like to be part of a team. A family unit that bears little resemblance to the one awaiting me in Dovlano.
I swear my mother must read my thoughts. It’s the only explanation for why my phone suddenly chimes in my hand.
“Hello, Mother.” I straighten my posture, certain she can sense me slouching in the hall from halfway around the globe. “I’m actually in the middle of something right now.”
My mother gives a huff of dismay. “Something more important than boarding a private jet home to serve your familial obligations?”
I swallow hard, hating how small I suddenly feel. “I’m trying on my wedding dress.” My mother’s sharp intake of breath forces me to clarify. “For Jonathan’s wedding,” I blurt. “My brother who gave me the kidney. I’m part of his—”
“I know who Jonathan is, Isabella.” The tightness in her voice suggests I’ve missed my mark in trying to tug her heartstrings. “He’s not the only one who needs you, you know.”
I close my eyes and lean back against the wall. “I know that, Mother.”
“I don’t think you do know, Isabella. Patience is running thin. There’s been talk.”
There is always talk. I can’t bring myself to ask for details, but I don’t need to.
“Rumors are circulating that you’re planning to disgrace the family,” she continues. “Do you have any idea what sort of political upheaval would be caused by—”
“I know!” The words land like a slap. “I know what’s at stake, Mother. And I’ve told you, I’ll be home soon.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“That’s not good enough. The situation is dire.”
“Dire?”
My mother sighs, then lowers her voice. “It’s not just our family counting on you. You understand what shame can do to a person.”
I understand precisely, which is why it’s the knife she’s choosing to twist. “I do understand.”
“I’m not sure you do. If anything happens—”
“I said I’ll come home soon.”
“And I said I’m finished with your vague platitudes, Isabella.”
I let out a slow breath as someone rounds the corner at the end of the hall. It’s Mark’s wife, Chelsea, beaming like she’s thrilled to see me. I smile back and wave, delighted to see her in spite of everything. I gesture to the phone so she knows why I can’t talk.
It’s not the only reason. I can’t find my voice, can’t find a way to force the words up my throat and into my mother’s ear. She must hear the weakness in me because her voice rings out crisp and tight.
“I’ll make the arrangements,” my mother says as Chelsea draws closer. “Knowing there’s a date on the calendar and a scheduled flight should be enough to calm things down for now.”
“But—” My protest dies as Jade and Amber push through the side door and nearly collide with Chelsea. I watch as all three women—my friends, these wives of my brothers and cousin—embrace and laugh and draw back to touch Chelsea’s belly.
I blink hard against the realization gripping me. I’m an outsider to the world inhabited by these women. I love them, and I want so badly to belong here, but I can’t. Deep down, I’ve always known this.
Bradley’s face flashes in my mind, knocking the breath from my lungs. I’m going under, dragged down by the force of my wish for something I can never have.
“All right.” I breathe the words softly into the phone. They’re almost not words at all, but a surrender, a white flag waving tiredly over my head. “All right, Mother.”
Bradley appears on my porch at exactly six with Kevin on a leash. Both are wearing red bowties, but only one oinks cheerfully at the sight of me.
“Izzy.” Bradley kisses me softly on the lips as he hands off Kevin’s leash. “Guess we’re both pretty happy to see you.”
Kevin’s snorts turn to flat-out squeals as I bend down to scratch his ears. “Hey, friend. It’s been too long.”
Nosing me aside, Kevin trots straight into the living room and makes a beeline for his pet bed. I trail after him and unclip the leash, stopping to scratch beneath his neckwear.
“What’s the occasion?” I ask Bradley as he slips off his own bowtie and lays it on the counter.
“My mother’s idea,” he says. “They’re from my sister’s wedding a few years ago. Mom thought it would be a cute way to present Kevin for his new living arrangement.”
“And it is.” I move toward Bradley, unable to keep my distance as I twine my fingers behind his neck and stretch up on tiptoe to kiss him
He responds like I’ve dumped kerosene on a fire, deepening the kiss as I moan and press against him. It’s like I’m starved for human contact, or maybe just for Bradley. He’s warm and solid and delicious and I can’t seem to draw back.
“Mmm.” He kisses me harder, sliding his hands around my back to cup my backside. We kiss like that until we’re both breathless, and he looks dazed when he draws back. “Hello to you, too.”
“Hi.” God, how did I end up doing this again? I take a step back to put some distance between us, reminding my silly, hammering heart that this isn’t helpful. “How’s your week going?”
“Good. I missed you.” He releases his hold on my body, but my heart sticks to him like a gummy worm on a shoe. “Be right back. I left the food in the truck.”
He breaks away, and I take a moment to compose myself. I need to tell him tonight. I need to make it clear that I’m leaving, that there’s more than one good reason I can’t stay.
Needing to distract myself, I turn back to Kevin. He’s sprawled across the plaid cedar bed, looking supremely content. “We’re going for a walk later, okay? No falling into bed with Bradley.”
Kevin looks at me and oinks, agreeing to my terms. I wish it were that easy.
Bradley bursts back through the door, two paper bags in his hands. “I may have gone a bit overboard,” he says. “I wasn’t sure if you preferred curry or something milder, so I got a bunch of different things.”
“Thank you.” I peer into one of the bags, breathing in the scent of spices and fresh herbs. “This smells amazing. It’ll be nice to have leftovers when I’m running around dealing with wedding stuff.”
“Kinda my thought,” he says as he starts unpacking the food. “I remember how nuts things were when Julia got married. If it’s that stressful for the family, I can’t even imagine what it’s like when it’s your own wedding.”
I laugh and pick up a warm box of naan bread. “No kidding. Remind me to elope someday.” The words slip out before I can catch them, and I meet Bradley’s eyes in horror. “I don’t know why I just said that.”
He tears off a piece of bread and pops it in his mouth, eyeing me curiously. “No big deal.” A pause. “Is it?”
There’s a roaring in my ears, a scream I’ve heard again and again these past few weeks.
Tell him. Tell him.
I don’t say anything. I don’t know where to start, but I know I can’t keep doing this.
Maybe he senses my fumbling, because he takes a step closer and draws me into his arms. I lean into him, absorbing his strength, his kindness. My chest aches from wanting this so badly while my brain pounds its gavel against my skull, reminding me what’s at stake. As Bradley plants a kiss on my temple, I feel a tear slip down my cheek.
I beg it not to drip on his arm, not to give me away before I’m ready to have this conversation. I know I’m out of time, but I’m not sure how to say this. How do you tell the man you might love that you’re an awful excuse for a human?
“Iz?” His lips brush the top of my ear. “You got kinda stiff all of a sudden. What’s up?”
I take a shaky breath as I fight for courage. For the strength to finally be honest. “I—” The words die in my throat. As I squeeze my eyes shut, another tear leaks out.
“What is it, Izzy?” Another kiss, this one at the top edge of my cheekbone. “I can’t help if you won’t let me in.”
Another tear falls and another, accompanied by a bitter choke of laughter. The idea that this can be fixed, that there’s any way out of this, it’s too much. His kindness right now, when I deserve none, is more than I can bear.
“Bradley.” I take a deep breath, bracing myself for the fact that everything’s about to change.
I don’t want it to, but I need to get this out. I can’t keep doing this to the kindest man I’ve ever met. I was a fool to think a man like that could have a no-strings fling.
Or that I could. What an idiot I’ve been.
I take a step back and try to breathe, but my chest is too tight. It’s a physical reaction to the loss of his touch, the knowledge of what I’m about to say. When I meet his eyes, the bottom falls out of my belly.
“Bradley.” My voice croaks this time, weak and unattractive.
That’s exactly how I feel, but it’s about to get worse. He’s about to hate me, maybe as much as I hate myself.
His eyes search mine, smile faltering just a little. “You’re scaring me, Iz. Did you get bad news from your doctor?”
It’s such a Bradley thing to go straight to a medical crisis, and my heart wrings itself into a tight, soggy ball. I don’t deserve this man, this gentle, compassionate soul.
I shake my head, struggling to find my voice. “It’s not medical. There’s something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” His brow furrows, and he tries to step closer. “Izzy? Whatever it is, we can face it together.”
I close my eyes as more tears fall, as the happy space I’ve built here crumbles into a big, dusty heap. When I open my eyes and meet his, my heart splits in two.
“No,” I whisper. “No, we can’t.”