The next morning, I set the house alarm—a gift / requirement from Alex—and went out the front door. My best friend and housemate, Jasmine, thought an alarm was unnecessary. She’d argued that we live in Gunnison, not Chicago. Normally, I’d agree with her, but there was a lot going on that she didn’t know about.

I’ve had a hard time figuring out where Jasmine fits in my life now that I know who I really am. Telling her is out of the question. I’m not even supposed to know about the Amaranthine Society and Daevos Resistance. And if Jasmine did know, it would put her at risk. Because of that, I’d become more introverted lately, especially since the incident at Halloween when I saw something Jasmine and Zach certainly didn’t see.

Since I couldn’t let Jasmine, or anyone, in on the Amaranthine and Daevos secret, Jas and I had gradually drifted apart. She stopped asking if I wanted to hang out after I kept coming up with excuses. Now, we rarely even texted each other, and if I saw her at the house, we’d mutter a ‘hello,’ and maybe have some small talk about the weather, but nothing deeper than that. I could tell she was upset about it—I was too—but we hadn’t discussed it. I didn’t know what I’d say when we finally did.

As I walked to class, I passed shrubs and trees weighted with mounds of snow; the early morning sunlight hitting the frozen crystals made them glitter. Our house wasn’t far from campus, and I was in the mood for fresh air—in the daylight, where shadows didn’t lurk.

Last night wasn’t the first time I’d seen a shadow. I’d been confronted by a pee-your-pants scary shadow outside my kitchen window on a balmy night last summer. But since Caleb was the only one trying to hurt me at the time, I’d connected the shadow figure to Caleb’s evil Daevos Resistance Clan. Caleb had been trying to use me and Alex to get information about the Amaranthine Society, the soul Protectors. I thought the shadow problem had been taken care of after Alex, Emil and I took the souls of Caleb and his Clan. Apparently, I’d been wrong to assume the shadows would go away simply because Caleb was gone too.

In the process of trying to stop Caleb, I’d learned about some pretty cool powers of my own. I had no idea where they came from, and so far, neither did anyone else. But my ability to control Daevos members with my thoughts was handy…I just didn’t know if it would work on fiend-y shadow figures. Luckily, it didn’t seem like the shadow had been up for cupcakes and coffee either. I replayed the previous night in my head again. I’d only seen the shadow move once. Despite my attentive watching, after it ran from the tree to the side of the house, I didn’t see it again.

Really, I should have told Alex and Emil about it as soon as I got home last night, but I wasn’t even sure what I’d seen. I knew telling them would cause an epic overreaction, so I’d decided to wait.

As soon as I’d calmed down the night before, I’d gone straight to my bookshelf. I moved my Hunger Games boxed set, and pulled a lavender leather-bound book out from behind the trilogy; my personal weird-things-that-happen-to-Evie catalog. I dated the top of the page, noted my location, what I’d been doing at the time of the flashback, and wrote a detailed account of what I’d seen.

When my flashbacks started seven months ago, I’d only had two: one the first time I touched Alex, another the first time I touched Emil. However, since my encounter with Caleb, the flashbacks to my previous life as Cassandra had started happening more often. I had no idea what caused them, or why they were more frequent now, though I had a feeling it was a result of the mind Sync Caleb had subjected me and Alex to.

Also, since the mind Sync, my flashbacks had been…unpredictable. In the past, I’d just seen the flashbacks, like a silent bystander watching them play out. Now, the flashbacks were more like memories that I was reliving. I wasn’t just watching Cassandra, Emil, and Alex; I was there, I was her. It was like the past and present were merging in my mind. I’d also been able to feel some of the flashbacks—complete with Cassandra’s thoughts and emotions. Other times, the flashbacks were like a fuzzy memory; I was there, but got less detail and information. I had no idea what was causing the flashback inconsistencies.

I’d elected not to tell Alex and Emil about the continuing flashbacks because I didn’t need to give those two another thing to get their boxers in a twist about. I wanted to figure out what stimulated the flashbacks on my own first, plus keep a record of them. So, when the flashbacks started happening after the mind Sync, I’d decided to keep track of them in a journal.

I sighed as I walked across the salt covered sidewalks on campus. Sometimes I really wished instead of Evie the Tracker, I could just be Evie the college student. Maybe date some boys who didn’t have supernatural powers or a two hundred and fifty year vendetta against each other.

I had to wonder if my previous lives—when I hadn’t known about the Amaranthine and Daevos, and Alex and Emil—had been better. Was ignorance really bliss, or was I better off now because I knew the truth—or, at least some of it. I lost track of time as I contemplated, and soon I arrived at my psych class.

I walked into the room and sat next to Vicki, a girl I’d done a team project with last week. She had fiery red hair that made her hazel eyes pop and a contagious smile, though today she seemed a little…off. “Morning, Vicki,” I said, taking my notebook and pencil out of my bag.

She stopped flipping through her notes to flash me a frazzled smile. “Hey! Are you ready for the test?”

“As ready as I can be,” I answered.

Doing a pretty good imitation of Hermione Granger, she breathed out a deep sigh. “I’m so nervous! You know this test is twenty percent of our grade?”

I did know that, and didn’t welcome the reminder. “You’ll do great,” I assured her.

“Of course she will,” a voice from behind me said. “She’s the smartest person in class.”

I turned to see Hutch slide into his desk. He was a little taller than me with the lean muscles of a runner. His dark brown hair was spiked in the front, and his dimples offset the rough edges of his masculine frame. He was also a nice person—something most hot guys who know they’re hot lack.

Vicki blushed. It was clear she had a bit of a crush on Hutch. He smiled at her as he took his textbook out of his bag. “Are you both ready for the test?”

Vicki pulled her eyes away from Hutch, glancing back at her notebook. “I’d be happier if I had a few more hours to review my notes.”

Hutch looked up at me, his hair frozen in place by hairspray, gel, or a combination of them both. I shrugged. “Nope. But I’ve reconciled myself with the fact, and accept it.”

Hutch laughed.

Our professor came in the room and everyone quieted as she handed test sheets to the first desk of each row, instructing us to take one and pass the tests back. I took my test—a combination of multiple choice, short answer, and essay questions—and gave Vicki a reassuring smile from across the aisle. I liked short answer and essay questions. They didn’t have black and white answers, and allowed me ample room for BS.

Almost two hours later, I was finally done. I thought I’d done okay, but knew I wouldn’t be getting an “A” either. I gathered my things, stuffing them in my bag as I heard a sigh from my right. Vicki seemed to be debating whether she should look over her answers again, or just hand it in. She inched forward in her chair as she continued analyzing her test. I watched her with interest, wondering if she knew how close to the edge of her seat she was getting. Her next scoot almost scooted her right onto the floor, but she caught herself and stood, taking the test to the front of the class. She grabbed her stuff and we walked out together.

“That was rough,” she said, the door shutting behind us.

“Yeah, the multiple choice questions were brutal, and I wasn’t expecting the essay question on the Ego and Id. I hope I did okay.”

Vicki groaned. “Me too.”

The door snicked open as Hutch walked out. “How’d you do?” I asked.

He blew out a breath, shifting his backpack so more of the weight was on his shoulders. “I hate essays.”

“I hate tests,” Vicki said.

“You guys want to get some lunch?” Hutch asked.

I saw a hopeful glimmer in Vicki’s eyes. Her nervous excitement made me happy. My own relationships had rocketed far past nervous excitement and straight into complicated confusion. I envied Vicki, Hutch, and everyone else on the planet who could be in love without the consequences I had hanging over my head. My romantic choices could have cosmic ramifications.

Alex and Emil had been in my life for centuries, but I couldn’t remember everything that had happened in our past together. I still felt like I didn’t know them well enough—or have enough information about our history together—to make such a monumental life and relationship decision between them. On top of that, Alex and Emil had both protected me all that time in their own ways. After the incident with Caleb’s Clan, I’d decided the least I could do was wait to make a decision between them until I was sure of my feelings. It was the only answer that would be fair to Alex, Emil…and me. If I chose one of them now, I would always second guess myself and wonder if I was with the right person. I wasn’t ready to choose yet.

I looked at Vicki and Hutch. Lunch sounded better than sitting somewhere alone, stewing over my relationship status. “Sure! I think today’s special is manicotti, and it actually tastes good.”

Vicki’s smile brightened and we left for the College Center.

The College Center, decorated in neutral, soothing colors reminiscent of the mountains in summer, was busy with students eating, talking, and studying. I grabbed water and a salad from the deli—the healthy choice—and watched as Hutch got the manicotti I’d told them about. I looked at it longingly, feeling like I’d made the wrong food choice. I hate when that happens. I grimaced, thinking that if I couldn’t decide what to have for lunch, how would I ever make decisions about the bigger choices in my life?

We sat at a table near the windows on the second floor of the College Center. I put my bag on the chair next to me, rifling through it for my hand-sanitizer.

“So, what did you write for the essay?” Hutch asked as I fought with the plastic top of my salad container to get it open. Someone should make a tool for that. I always feel like I need to carry scissors to excavate my lettuce.

The conversation quickly moved back to the test as we compared our answers. I was pretty sure Vicki had never received anything less than an “A” in her life, and was about to say so when I heard a loud, angry voice behind me, “Evangeline Starling…what a surprise to see you here.” The sentence was punctuated with a loud pop of bubble gum.

I turned slowly, seeing Jasmine’s angry expression and Zach standing behind her with a wary look. Her milk chocolate skin was flushed bright red like she was either really hot, or she’d been outside in the cold too long. “Since you rarely talk to me, or even answer my texts anymore, I assumed you were so busy you didn’t have time for friends.” She slowly pegged each person at the table with a hard stare and they shrank back. “But that’s not the case, is it? You have plenty of time for friends. You just don’t have time for me. Your former best friend.”

I shook my head and closed my eyes, wondering how to diffuse the situation. “That’s not it, Jas. I’ve just been really busy.”

She huffed so hard it looked like she was getting ready to breathe fire. “It used to be that when you had free time, you called to spend it with me. Now I’ve been replaced by random people you met in class a few weeks ago?” she said, gesturing to Vicki and Hutch. “It’s nice to know where I stand on your list of priorities, Evie. I don’t know what your problem is, and I’m sure it has something to do with Alex and Emil, but since you aren’t talking to me about anything, I don’t have a clue. When you figure out that you really do need your best friend, let me know. Maybe I’ll still be around.”

Jasmine threw her tray down on the table, angry tears gathering in her eyes as she stomped off toward Zach. As she grabbed onto him, she staggered. I started to stand, worried. Her flushed face, combined with what seemed to be vertigo, made me think something was wrong, but I had a feeling it was a reaction to her emotions. I wasn’t feeling great about the altercation either. Zach put his arm around her, trying to console her as they walked off. He looked back over his shoulder at me, shaking his head in disappointment.

When I turned back, everyone at the table, and in the lunch room, was staring at me. “Are you okay?” Vicki asked, putting her hand on my back between my shoulders.

I took a deep, calming breath. “Yeah,” I answered. “I should probably go.” I gathered the remains of my lunch on the tray, and put the water bottle in my backpack. “Thanks for asking me to lunch,” I said, not knowing what else to add. The situation was awkward enough. They muttered their good-byes as I walked off.

I threw my trash away, sliding the tray on top of others on the shelf above the trash can. I was shaking with emotion. I felt guilty, upset, and sick to my stomach. I hated knowing that my best friend was mad at me. But I couldn’t talk to her, either. I needed to figure out a way to fix this.

I made it as far as a secluded nook in the library before I broke down. I had no best friend, shadows stalking me, Tracker powers I didn’t understand, and no idea what the next day, or even the next minute, would bring. It was a lot to internalize. After a solid ugly-cry, I wiped the mascara from under my eyes, blew my nose, and stared out the windows at the snow-capped mountains. The giant, white-washed “W” for Western State was invisible, covered by the fresh snow.

“The mountains remind me of you.” I felt his warm hand on my shoulder and closed my eyes, reveling in the peace. I didn’t get many opportunities.

“They remind me of you, too.” For the rest of this life, I’d always associate the mountains with Alex because that’s where he’d re-introduced himself to me after two hundred and fifty years.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded. Sometimes I forget Alex can see me through his magic ring. He says he doesn’t watch me often, but I know he checks in. He must have been checking in when I was getting yelled at. I hoped he hadn’t also witnessed my ugly-cry.

“I will be. I just need to figure out what to do, and how to handle things with Jas.”

Alex crouched down next to me, one hand on my thigh, the other rubbing my arm in soothing circular motions. He wore dark jeans and a black ski jacket. He smelled like wet cedar, and his deep brown hair was damp like he’d just gotten out of the shower. I wondered where he’d been. The gym, maybe? The thought of Alex lifting heavy things was almost enough to improve my mood. He looked up at me, his emerald eyes soft with concern. “Why have you been avoiding her?”

My brow fell as I pushed the corners of my lips down. “Why do you think?” I said, picking at a string on my sweater. “It’s not like I can tell her what’s going on, and she’d know if I lied. Unless you want me telling her about the Amaranthine and Daevos, it’s easier to say I’m busy.”

Alex leaned back, studying me. “It might be easier, but I don’t know that it’s better for your mental health.”

I widened my eyes. “You want me to tell her what’s happening? Who I am? Who you and Emil are?”

Alex bit his lip, shaking his head slowly. “Not if you can help it, but you need friends, Evie. You need people to relate to and have fun with. You’re taking on too much. You need to give your mind a break from this paranormal insanity once in a while. Jasmine used to be your release-valve. She was the person you went to when you needed to talk, vent, or relieve stress. You’ve made it so she’s not that person anymore. You’re internalizing everything and talking to no one.” He squeezed my arm. “You at least need to talk about your problems with me and Emil.”

I snorted. “Yeah, because you’d both love listening to me discuss my relationships with the two of you.”

Alex lifted a shoulder. “Actually, I would. I’d like to know what’s going on in your head. You’ve cut me and Emil off from any romantic involvement with you. From my own experience and what Emil has said, I know you’re not talking to either one of us about how you feel. And we’re not spending time alone with you either. So if there’s something you want to discuss,” he gestured for me to go on, “please, do.”

I looked at him from under my brow and slightly shook my head.

“I’m serious,” he said. “Talk.”

He had no idea what he was asking for. I thought the best way to explain it would be an illustration, even if it wasn’t kind. I lifted my voice in falsetto, “Kissing Emil was amazing, but so was kissing Alex! And I wish I knew how our past lives fit into everything. Maybe if I could remember the past, it would help me choose, because I can’t just take Alex and Emil’s word for what happened.” High sigh. “How will I ever decide between them?”

Alex thinned his eyes, his hands knotting slowly into fists. He forced himself to release them as he exhaled. “Point taken.”

I nodded once.

He watched me for a minute longer, seemingly lost in thought. I looked at my watch. “It’s almost time for my next class.” I stood and started to walk away. Alex stepped in front of me, reaching his hands up to cup my cheeks.

“Being part of this life, and knowing the things you do, can sometimes feel like a burden; but we’ll figure this out. I promise.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead, his lips a soft press against my skin.

I closed my eyes again, and took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears. I hoped we would, but at this point, I wasn’t sure.

I left Alex, and on my way to class, I noticed a long line at the nurse’s office. I heard some girls walking in front of me say, “They must be giving out free drugs.”

That seemed a likely explanation to me. I’d like some too. Preferably the kind that make you happy. I was having a hard time managing it on my own.