Mavis moved in with Millie. Two days later, I called to check on her.
“Hi, Millie, is Mavis there?”
“Yeah, but she’s passed . . . asleep right now. May I take a message for her?”
“No, I just wanted to make sure things are going good with her being there.”
“She is so smart, Bertie. She’s promised to teach me how to do several things I’ve always wanted to do.”
“Well, that’s great, Millie. Has she heard from Wyatt yet?”
“Yeah, he called today.”
“Have her call me when she gets up so she can tell me what he said. Okay?”
“I can tell you what was said.”
“Oh . . . all right.”
“Wyatt said he wanted to know if his wife was ready to straighten up and fly right home. Mavis told Wyatt she’d be home when cows fly.”
“What’d he have to say about that?”
“Everything was quiet for a second. Suddenly, the name calling and foul language spewed forth. Boy, I tell you it was something.” Millie laughed out loud. “Some of those words I’ve never even heard before let alone coming out of a woman’s mouth. That’s the first thing Mavis is going to teach me—how to talk like that. I can’t wait.”
“Good heavens, Millie. The last thing you need to add to your repertoire is foul language.”
“Oh, lighten up, Bertie. You take life way too seriously. It might do you some good to use a few bad words now and then.”
I thought of a few I’d like to say at that moment, but I let them slide. “Just tell Mavis I called. If she wants to call I’ll be home all evening.”
“I’m not sure she’ll get up until tomorrow. After she talked to Wyatt, we cracked open a bottle of wine and celebrated the death of Mavis’ marriage and the birth of her new life.” Millie laughed in that ornery way she does when she’s up to something. “She can’t hold her liquor very well, but don’t worry, that’s what I’m going to teach her.”
The next afternoon I paid bills and put them in the mailbox in front of the shop. I’d just walked back into the air-conditioned office and stood daydreaming out the front window when a monstrous, older red Cadillac pulled into the parking lot and nosed its way into a slot right in front of where I stood. I’m not sure what grabbed my attention first: Mavis driving and Millie riding shotgun, or they weren’t stopping.
Years ago, Pop installed metal poles filled with concrete for this very reason. The pole in front of the Caddy did its job. A large crash ripped through my already frazzled nerves. Too startled to close my eyes, I saw the two elderly women lunge forward. Millie disappeared from view. I assumed she was now on the floorboards.
I ran out the door. Carrie Sue and Linc hurried from the garage bay and pulled open the car doors.
“Are you two okay?” we all asked at the same time.
Millie crawled back into her seat. “That was a much better stop than the one you made at the Pack and Sack this morning.”
With the imprint of the steering wheel emblazoned on her forehead, Mavis agreed.
“You’ll get the hang of it.” Millie patted her new friend on the back. “I just hope I’m still alive to see it.”
“Where did you get this car? Do you even have a license? Do both of you have a death wish?” I sputtered questions left and right.
“One question at a time, please,” Millie said.
“Okay. Where did you get this car?”
“Ain’t she a beauty?” The women got out, and Mavis ran her hand over the rusty, red fender of the Cadillac, circa early 1980s. “I stole it from Joe’s House of Parts.”
The thought that her history included an arrest for bank robbery caused my eye to twitch violently. “Please tell me this means you got a good deal and it’s not a literal statement.”
Mavis winked back at me. “I got my new sled for only two-hundred dollars.”
“Sleazy Joe never knew what hit him,” Millie added.
“You didn’t run over him, too, did you?” My heart pounded.
“Bertie, you have to calm down.” Millie grabbed my shoulders and shook me. “You’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”
I rolled my eyes, not that it left an impression on her.
“Do you have a license, Mavis?” I asked.
“Sure.”
“Show me.”
She dug in her purse and handed me her opened wallet.
“This is a hunting license.” I nearly choked on my words.
“Yeah, me and that old poot used to go deer hunting every year.”
“You have to have a driver’s license to drive a car.”
Millie stepped forward. “We know that and as soon as she learns to drive, she’ll go get one.”
My glare made her step back. “You two are going to drive me crazy.”
“That’d be a short ride,” Millie mumbled under her breath.
I expelled a huge puff of wind that fluttered her hair. “Here’s the deal. You are going to leave this car here. Carrie Sue is going to take you home.”
Millie stuck out her chest. “We are taking this fine specimen of a machine home with us.”
I couldn’t tackle them and tie them up. So I did what anyone in my condition would do. I planted my having-a-baby sized body behind the vehicle. Millie summed up the situation and leaned into the front seat and pulled out a bottle of drinking water. She opened it and let the liquid trickle slowly onto the ground. I watched, mystified by the fruitcake’s action. In my stomach, butterflies tickled my baby causing the sweet thing to do the tango on my bladder. That and the dribbling water sent me racing inside to the bathroom. When I returned, the two terrors of Sweet Meadow were gone.
I was in the process of deciding if I should call Chief Kramer to get those two off the streets, but he called me.
“Afternoon, Bertie. I understand Millie’s new roommate is your aunt. Is that right?”
“Oh, no, what’s happened to them?”
“They’re fine, but can you send a wrecker to Jasper and Search?”
“You’re sure they are okay?”
“Oh, yeah, wish I could say the same for old man Yunkoffer.”
I didn’t even say good bye. I slammed down the phone and hollered for Linc to bring the wrecker around. “I’m going with you.”
When we arrived on the scene, a big crowd had gathered. It was hard to tell what was going on and who was involved. Since Mavis’ car was already a hunk of junk, I couldn’t tell where it had been damaged. Yunk Yunkoffer was in the back seat of the squad car. Shoving my way to the front, I found Mavis first. Millie was in a deep conversation with the Chief.
“Are you hurt?” I hugged Mavis. “Did you run over Yunk?
“What’s a Yunk?”
“That’s him over there.” I pointed to the police car. “Yunk Yunkoffer. Why isn’t he in an ambulance? What’s going on?”
“You know, sweetheart,” Mavis took my arm and led me to a bus-stop bench, “Millie’s right. You’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”
I took several deep breaths to stave off hyperventilation. I put my head between my knees which was crowded with my baby belly.
“Are you okay, Mrs. Fortney?”
With my head down, I recognized Chief Kramer’s uniform pants and boots. I raised my head. “I’ll be fine. I’ve had a lot of excitement today.”
“Bertie, I wasn’t talking to you.” He turned to Mavis. “Are you okay? Do you need the paramedics to take a look at you?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Will someone please tell me what’s going on? I’m scheduled for a nervous breakdown this afternoon and I don’t want to be late.” I stood on shaky knees.
“Millie and your aunt—”
I held up my hand. “Just for the record, Mavis is Arch’s aunt. We’re only related by marriage. Although I may be responsible for her being here, I’m not accountable for her actions. Are we straight on that?”
“Got it.”
“Very good. Now, what’s going on?”
“Mavis and Millie spotted Yunk driving erratically down the street.”
“He was zipping from one side to the other, up on the sidewalk for a ways and then back into the street.” Mavis did a wiggle motion with her hand.
“A kid with a cell phone to his ear stopped beside us a few blocks back,” Millie carried on with the story. “I hollered for him to call 911, and Mavis and I tailed Yunk.”
I glanced over at Yunk, who was yelling obscenities in our direction. He didn’t appear to be hurt. Evidently Mavis hadn’t run over him or injured him in any way.
“So, what happened?”
“Yunk pulled over between two cars parked next to the curb. These two blocked him in,” Kramer explained.
“He was trapped like the rat that he is.” Millie squealed with delight. “The city should give us a Citation of Merit for thwarting what could have been a major pile-up.”
Something wasn’t jiving. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Yunk can’t walk. What was he doing driving a car?”
“He wasn’t.” Chief Kramer removed his hat and scratched his head. “He got a snoot full down at the Dew Drop Inn and was racing his motorized wheelchair in and out of traffic. I’m hauling him in on DUI charges and I need you to impound his ride.”
“Well, that certainly is a perfect ending to a perfect day.” I rubbed the twitch in my eye which had moved to the other side.
“We’re all through. Ya’ll can go on your way.” Kramer dispersed the crowd.
Millie and Mavis loaded back into their red “sled” and drove away, barely missing the police car. I prayed they made it home without incident.
“Mrs. Bertie,” Linc interrupted me. “I don’t know how to tow that motorized wheelchair.”
I didn’t either. For a moment, I scratched my head. Silently, I strolled over to the contraption, climbed on, and drove away from the scene. Linc followed along behind me with beacons flashing. At the top of my lungs I sang a song I’d made up years ago. It’s to the tune of Gilligan’s Island.
Sing it with me. “For new folks to move to Sweet Meadow, they must have a lot of guts, to live among the long-time citizens, ’cause all of them are nuts.”
Normally after school, Petey waited for forty-five minutes with other children in the cafeteria until her father picked her up on his way home from the middle school. Millie’s house was located two blocks from Sweet Meadow Elementary. Petey asked to be allowed to walk to the short distance after school and stay with her Aunt Mavis and Mrs. Keats until Arch arrived.
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” I passed meatloaf to my husband. He handed Petey the carrots.
“I think she’s old enough to walk two blocks unchaperoned. There’s a crossing guard and I’m sure Aunt Mavis will watch for her.”
“Therein lies the problem. Do you think it wise for her to spend that much time with two not-so-stable older women? What kind of things will they teach her?”
Petey jumped in her seat and waved her arm in the air. “I know. I know.”
Her father and I looked at her.
“They’ll teach me about being a woman and surviving good-for-nothing men,” she said.
I glanced back at Arch. “See what I mean? I don’t think they’d be positive role models.”
“I promise not to learn bad stuff. Just the good stuff.”
“How will you know the difference?”
“I ask myself if you’d do what they say. If the answer’s no, then I’ll pretend like I didn’t even hear them.”
Her words banded my heart and tightened with a loving squeeze. For a moment I lost my voice.
“I think what Petey is trying to say, sweetheart, is that she’s old enough to know right from wrong.” Arch laid his hand on my arm and Petey’s smile melted my resolve. Maybe her idea was a good one after all.
“Okay, we’ll try it for a little while, but at the first sign of trouble it will have to stop without an argument. Agreed?”
“Agreed.” Petey nodded. “May I be excused? I want to call Aunt Mavis and tell her we can start my training for the smelling bee in Albany next month. Woohoo!” she shrilled, and ran from the room.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked my poor naïve husband. “Did you forget Aunt Mavis was arrested for driving a get-away car for her own son.”
Arch chuckled aloud. “You are such a worry wart. She’ll be fine.”
If only I had that much faith. But not only was Mavis a worrisome part of the whole scenario, there was also Millie Keats to take into consideration. I shuddered.
Two weeks later, I returned to the garage from my monthly check-up with Dr. Johns. The baby was doing great, and everything was right on schedule. I danced around my waiting area, singing an unidentified tune, and feeling pretty happy with my life.
I didn’t notice a car pulling into the parking lot, so I started when the office door opened. I came to an abrupt stop standing belly-to-belly with Gertrude Yunkoffer. I was with child. She wasn’t. Yet we both had about the same size tummy.
“I’m so sorry. I was just exercising a little. Please, come on in.” I scurried behind the counter and pulled out the paperwork for her husband’s motorized wheelchair.
“Chief Kramer called a little while ago and told me you’d be coming by to pick up Yunk’s chair.”
“He said I would owe you one-hundred forty-eight dollars and ninety-eight cents. Is that right?” Her voice was soft and pleasant.
“That’s right.”
She plopped a brown paper bag on the counter. “There you go. Knock yourself out.”
I turned the bag upside down. Dollar bills and pennies tumbled out. “Jeeze, didn’t you have any bigger bills? They’re gonna hate me at the bank.”
“No one deserves that more than you.” The words rolled off Gertrude’s tongue like a raw egg rolls off a roof onto a small girl’s head. In both cases, I was hit with something vile and didn’t even see it coming.
I shivered. “Why do you feel that way?” I knew, but I stupidly asked anyway.
“You took an old, disabled man’s wheelchair from him, and now we have to pay all the money we have saved to get it back. Isn’t that blackmailing or kidnapping? Or, something like that?
“Maybe it should be chairnapping. How does that sound?” I asked.
“Sounds to me like you have a smart mouth.”
“That can’t be right, because if I had a smart mouth, I’d keep it shut.”
“There should be laws about things like this,” Gertrude gasped.
“There are. You break the law, you get arrested, your mode of transportation is impounded, and you pay to get it back. That’s the law.” I counted out the dollars and pennies while Gertrude huffed and puffed. After marking the receipt paid, I handed it to her.
Linc brought the wheelchair around and helped load it onto the bracket attached to the back of the Yunkoffer’s car. As she pulled away, I waved to Gertrude. She thumbed her nose at me.
The sign above my garage caught my eye. Bertie’s Garage and Towing. Pride filled my heart and pushed aside the doubts Gertrude’s behavior evoked. Long before Pop turned the business over to me, he told me something he wanted me to always remember: For every unhappy customer who darkens the door of our office, ten happy ones will come along and appreciate what we do. That has proven to be true over and over again. I had my bad apple for the day. The next ten should be smooth sailing.
I decided not to tempt the fates. “Carrie Sue,” I called. She peeked out from under a car hood where she was helping Linc.
“I’m going to the bank. Will you catch the phone while I’m gone?”
“Sure thing, boss.” We were the same age, but she said it made her feel younger to call me that.
I smiled and gave her a friendly nod. She worked hard and deserved a little boost of ego now and then. I was glad to oblige.
When I walked into the bank, my favorite teller, Perrine Backus, had a major line of people waiting for her. Her life was better than a soap opera. When last Perrine and I met, she’d ridded herself of a parasitic husband and found a new love while hiding in the bushes, spying on the aforementioned wretch. Today she’d promised to fill me in on the next chapter of The Life and Times of Perrine Backus.
As much as I wanted to hear all the sordid details, I didn’t want to stand in her long line, and I opted for the shorter one. The teller there was a trainee. Shirley Cameron, the bank manager, looked over his shoulder, monitoring the young man’s moves.
For every one customer he waited on, Perrine did three. The wait seemed endless, but finally, my turn came. After he unzipped the bag and dumped out the deposit, he gave me an odd glance. Quickly, he counted the money.
“Sure are a lot of ones here.” He placed a stack of money to his forehead with the flair of a clairvoyant. “Bet I can tell you what you do for a living.”
Before I could point out the name of my business was written on the deposit slip, he spewed forth his best guess, loud and clear. “With all these one-dollar bills, my telepathic mind tells me you are a stripper.”
The room erupted into whistles and laughter. I placed my hands on my protruding tummy to protect my unborn child from ridicule, then realized how useless it was. This baby was coming into my world, and he or she needed to accept everything that entailed.
Someone started humming The Stripper. On a whim, I raised my hands in the air and gyrated my hips.
“Go, Bertie. Go, Bertie,” someone in the crowd yelled.
Hooking my leg around the lane-dividing pole, my tummy and I slid up and down. Several people stuffed dollar bills into my maternity top pocket. When everyone applauded, I bowed and fanned my flaming face with my tip money.
Back at the teller’s window, the young man blushed a vibrant red. “Boy, was I wrong. You couldn’t possibly be a stripper.”
I nodded in agreement.
“You don’t have any rhythm,” he added.
Shirley threw her body between me and the little twerp. By the time the desire to put my hands around his neck subsided, Shirley thrust my receipt at me.
“There you are, Bertie. Have a nice day. Next person in line, please.”
A tall, burly man stepped up to the window and as I walked away, I heard him say to the teller, “Want to guess what I do for a living, Nostradamus?”
Amid several snickers, my anger died and I smiled all the way to my car.
As soon as they came through the door, Arch kissed me. Petey hugged me, burying her face against my belly. She inhaled deeply and then slowly released the breath. Without a word, she disappeared down the hallway.
“What was that all about?” I asked Arch.
“I’m not sure, but she smelled everything in the car.”
“Did you ask her?”
“She said she’s in training for a Smelling Bee and that Aunt Mavis is coaching her every day after school,” he said.
“Do we think this is an okay extra-curriculum?”
Arch snitched a hot French fry. “I can’t see where it will do any harm. She appears to be putting her all into it. Besides, by the time she graduates from college she might be a pioneer in the smell-a-vision industry.”
While I put dinner on the table, Arch went to wash up. My back ached a little, so I pressed it against the wide, varnished door casing. A whiff of furniture polish caught my attention. I dusted all the woodwork the day before and the pine scent still lingered. I turned and looked at it for several long moments.
“Why not?” I stuck my nose against the wood and sucked in so hard it was a wonder I didn’t take in a few splinters.
“I would think the question would be why?” From behind me Arch spoke and Petey giggled. The baby gave me a sharp kick. I don’t think I even turned red. Was it possible we were only given so many blushes in our lifetime, and I had used up all mine?
“Jeeze, I was just curious. That’s all.” As fast as possible, I set the food on the table. “Let’s eat. It’s getting cold.”
After we sat, Arch had Petey say the blessing.
“Dear Lord, we thank you for the food we are ready to eat and thank you for Mommy who fixed it. Oh, and one more thing, please don’t let my teacher, Mrs. J., want to talk to Mommy or Daddy about what I think she wants to talk to them about. Amen.”
Her father and I exchange glances.
“Does Mrs. J. want to talk to your father and me?”
Petey handed over a folded piece of paper. I read it aloud. “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Fortney, I would like to have a conference with one or both of you around three-thirty tomorrow afternoon. If that isn’t convenient, please call the school so we can reschedule. Thank you, Ida Mae Josevedo.”
Petey stared into her plate.
“What does Mrs. J. want to talk to us about?” Arch asked.
“It could be a number of things. I’m really not sure.” She smiled uneasily.
“Well, why don’t you tell us a few of the things it might be?” her father urged.
“I’d really rather wait to see what she has on her mind.” Petey filled her mouth with meatloaf. “Yummy. This is really good, Mommy.”
I decided to let the subject drop for now. “Thank you, sweetheart.”
Later, after Petey had gone to bed, her father and I decided I would go see Ida Mae and Arch would pick up Petey from Millie’s. He and I tried to figure out what the problem could be, but since Petey gave us no trouble, we couldn’t begin to imagine why we were being called to school.
I arrived at the school right on time. In Ida Mae’s classroom, I found Randy Carson cleaning blackboards.
“Come on in, Bertie,” she said. “Randy, you can go on home now. I hope we’ll have a better day tomorrow.”
“What do you mean we? You didn’t have to clean the blackboards.” Randy had his mother’s attitude problem.
“Maybe we should just go ahead and schedule you for tomorrow afternoon right here and now.” Ida Mae raised a menacing eyebrow at Donna’s offspring.
“No, thank you. I’m gone.” Randy grabbed his books and sailed out of the room.
“A long time ago, I had a chance to marry that boy’s grandfather.” Ida shook her head. “I shiver every time I realize he could be my grandson.”
She was in her early fifties and had been married one time and it only lasted about two weeks. She was a handsome woman. Not beautiful, but definitely not ugly. She was a member of the city council for many years, volunteered at the hospital during her summer vacations, and all her students loved her. I never understood why she didn’t remarry and have a family of her own.
“Donna’s kids all need a positive role model in their lives. Maybe you could have been one for them and made a big difference.”
“Maybe.” Ida Mae stared off into the distance and appeared lost in a different time. She was only gone a few moments.
“Well, have a seat.” She motioned to a chair next to her desk.
“Is Petey causing you a problem?” I asked.
“Well, not really. It’s just that she smells.”
Smells. I wasn’t expecting that. “What does she smell like?”
Ida Mae cracked up laughing. “I don’t mean she stinks. I mean she sniffs everything she comes in contact with.”
“Oh, is that all?” Relief flowed through my anxious nerves. “Her great-aunt is training her for a Smelling Bee. It’s just a phase. I’m sure she’ll lose interest soon.”
“I was going to suggest she may need something to distract her unusual interest. I’m really not sure how healthy it is for her to be sniffing so many strange substances. I’ve caught her with her nose in the chalk tray, a paste jar, pencil sharpener shavings, and Randy Carson’s ear.” She clicked her tongue. “I don’t think that’s natural, do you?”
“I felt that way in the beginning, but her father thinks it’s an imagination stimuli and it might be a skill she can use later in life. I don’t know about that, but I don’t think it will hurt anything.”
“Okay, I wanted to be sure you’re aware of it.”
“Petey’s father and I appreciate it. I will
talk to her about disrupting your class with
her snorting.”
“I’d appreciate it.”
When I pulled into the driveway, Arch rushed out of the house. He dragged Petey behind him. They climbed into the car with me.
“Hurry. We’ve got to get Petey to the emergency room.” He pushed her hair out of her eyes. “You doing okay, sweetheart?” he asked.
She nodded.
“What happened?” My heart pounded loudly.
“She wanted to smell my feet, and I wouldn’t let her, so she stuck her nose in my fur-lined moccasin and took a big sniff.” Arch sounded near hysteria.
My poor husband was losing it. “When has shoe smelling constituted a trip to the ER?”
“When a large hunk of fur lint goes up your nose and out of sight.”
“Oh, my God.” Now I was hysterical. I rubbed Petey’s back. “Hang on, honey. We’re almost there. They’ll help you.”
A few minutes later, Arch carried Petey through the hospital doors. I hurried to the desk and gave them all the information they needed. Shortly after she was placed on a bed and the nurse pulled the curtain shut. Dr. Johns’ voice zinged its way to my throbbing heart.
“What’s Bertie done now?”
Dr. Johns removed the fur from Petey’s nose, and she seemed to come out of her ordeal with little to no mental anguish. Her father and I weren’t so lucky. The incident scared the bejeezus out of us.
We spent the whole ride home explaining to her why she wasn’t allowed to smell anything ever again. As a matter of fact, even smelling the roses along life’s path was banned until she was eighteen years old.
After I helped Petey finish her homework and put her to bed, I found Arch sitting on the steps of the front porch. I sat beside him and slipped my arm through his. The stars twinkled in the dark sky and I felt truly happy. I hoped Arch felt the same.
“A penny for your thoughts,” I whispered in his ear.
“I was reflecting on the day I’ve had.” He sighed heavily.
“It wasn’t all that bad. Petey’s a child and will do things like that. Dr. Johns said there was no permanent damage. She’s fine.” I nudged him in a joking gesture.
“I know. It’s just that it isn’t every day my daughter sucks fur lint up her nose because she’s in training for a smelling bee, or I get the strange news from a co-worker who recently returned from the bank that my wife was pole dancing in the lobby of our fair town’s bank.”
I was horrified. I buried my face against his arm. What could I say? It was all true and I had no words to ease the humiliation Arch must feel.
“I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I’ll stop Petey from going to Mavis’ after school. And the dancing was a spur of the moment thing that won’t happen again.”
Suddenly his whole body shook. He was laughing uncontrollably.
“Please don’t stop doing those kinds of things. They are what make me love you the most.