Mason doesn’t take my rejection well. When I break the news to him, I realise there was definitely a little more to it than simply turning down a promotion and accompanying him to a few events. Fortunately I have a week’s leave planned leading up to the wedding. I only have to get through today, however that also makes it rather awkward with regard to Alex and last night. By the time he stirred this morning, I was long gone I should imagine. I’d jumped into my jogging bottoms and t-shirt virtually the moment I opened my eyes and headed out for my usual run. When I arrived back home, the bed was stripped and the linen had been placed in the washing basket. He’d tidied up the kitchen and left a note.
A great evening, lovely company. Appreciated, Alex
I know that we have to address the elephant in the room before I leave work this afternoon. I couldn’t bear spending the next week wondering if it meant anything. At lunchtime I suggest we go out to grab a takeaway sandwich, figuring it’s easier to talk when we don’t have to look each other in the face.
“I know this is awkward, but we can’t ignore last night as if it never happened.”
“Agreed, but I’ve been struggling as I’m not sure what to say. It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. There’s one thing I do need to ask you,” he turns to me, but I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the pavement ahead.
“Was it comfort sex? Please don’t say it was pity sex.”
Guess he’s answered the awkward question whirling around in my head then, although I’m beginning to get a few flashbacks of some rather passionate clinches. It’s all a bit vague still, but one thing I know for sure—it wouldn’t have been either of those. I’m really attracted to Alex and even without total recollection, the bits I can remember were hot. We both let our barriers down and it’s a long time since a man has held me like that. My heart performs a totally unexpected backflip and my cheeks begin to burn.
***
As often happens, the nervousness and sense of expectancy hovering around me while I dress for the wedding feels weighted by something else. It’s a nagging worry that is growing by the minute, to the extent that I slink away unobserved and head up to the second floor of the hotel. The guys’ rooms are two-one-five through to two-two-nine, but I have no idea which one is Seb’s. I hang around until I see a face walking towards me that I recognise.
“Hi Ceri, are you looking for Seb?”
“Yes, I wasn’t sure which room was his,” I’m trying my best to remain calm and Tom doesn’t seem to notice anything strange. He points to two-one-seven and I tap gently on the door, then more urgently when there’s no reply.
“Seb, it’s me,” I whisper and he opens the door.
“Ceri, great timing. Can you sort this bow tie for me?” My brother looks amazing. A kilt suits him and I can’t stop myself throwing my arms around him. Tears start leaking out of my eyes all over the place and he lifts me away from him to look at me.
“Hey, I’m getting married not getting the death sentence.” He frowns when I don’t laugh.
“Seb, I have a bad feeling. It’s strong,” I almost whimper.
Seb rolls his eyes and groans. “Not now, Ceri, not today. Please, for my sake and Anna’s. I’ll listen to whatever you have to say tomorrow at the family lunch, but for today let’s keep it light.”
I’ve upset him and the fact that he’s offering to listen to me at all, shows how much I’m unsettling him. There’s more than concern for simply upsetting Anna though, I can see a fleeting moment of hesitation. Does he feel just the tiniest little vibe too?
I’m left wondering, when Tom suddenly appears and the others begin to filter into the room. I hurriedly wipe my eyes, giving them all a watery smile.
“Best go touch up my make-up!” I say lightly. I know they all think I’m emotional because it’s Seb’s big day.
When I arrive back at the girls’ main dressing room it’s chaotic. No one seems to take any notice as I sit down and begin scrubbing off my make-up with a moisturising pad to begin all over again. It isn’t until Anna’s mum comes into the room looking rather fraught that I realise Anna went to the bathroom at the same time I went to find Seb. Looking around I can’t see her and a chill hits my stomach. Several of the girls are still having their hair done and there’s a sense of mild panic because the clock is ticking. That’s not what I’m picking up. The feeling I have is overwhelming, as if it’s the pre-cursor to a disaster. I overhear Anna’s mum asking if someone can go down to reception.
“What’s wrong?” I ask Anna’s best friend, Eva.
“Wedding nerves, it will be fine. Anna’s feeling sick and a bit faint. I’m sure all she needs is a valium to calm her down.” Eva sounds confident, but something constricts my heart like a band has just been placed around it. I scan the room, looking for a spirit—anything out of the norm. But all I can see are bobbing heads, curling tongs being pulled high into the air while two hairdressers work quickly to add finishing touches. Then everything is in slow motion. I raise my hand in front of my face and even that seems to take forever to move the few inches from my lap. I’m on my feet and running back up to the second floor before I have time to think about what I’m doing. I hear myself screaming Seb’s name and when his door opens he runs towards me.
***
“No, no, no…” the tissues in my hand are soggy and the person sitting next to me grabs another handful, thrusting them at me. I have no idea who she is, but she’s crying too. How can anyone accept what has happened today? Where is Seb?
One of the hotel staff enters the room carrying a tray of glasses of water, orange juice and tea. She does the rounds in silence, her face immobile. All around are little groups of people, huddled together. Some are still crying, others look ashen. Most of the family members are nowhere to be seen. How can this have happened? How can someone so radiant and happy suddenly let go of life as if it were a tenuous thread? Anna was healthy, this was the day about which she had dreamed all of her life. A part of me knows that I can’t be with Seb at the moment and that he can’t be with me, but I need to find out who’s with him.
“Have you seen Seb?” I ask the woman who handed me the tissues.
“He’s with Anna’s mother and the doctor. Best leave them for a while.” She chokes back a sob. “You’re Seb’s sister, aren’t you? I’m Anna’s aunt, Claire.”
We acknowledge each other briefly with a nod, both trying to hold back the tears that keep filling our eyes. Looking around the room there are no words to deal with this moment, everyone is in a state of complete and utter shock. There is a low murmur hovering over people while they console each other.
“Do you know what happened? I think I fainted. I remember Tom helping me onto the sofa,” I take a glass of water from the tray offered to me and Claire takes one too. We sip in silence.
“I didn’t realise anything was wrong until I heard someone scream out. I think it was Anna’s mother, then Seb ran past me and he began shouting for help. The doctor arrived a little while ago and shortly afterwards someone came in to say that Anna was dead. I can’t believe it. She was fine this morning, a little nervous, but radiant.” Another tear rolls down Claire’s face and I can no longer stem my own tears. She places her hand over mine and squeezes. The unthinkable has happened. Anna has hurt Seb, but not in the way I had expected and my heart sends out a silent sorry. I knew it from the very start of their relationship, only I didn’t understand how or why it would happen. In my heart I can feel that a little part of my brother died with Anna today and I know there is nothing I can do to ease his pain.
***
I extend my leave from work by another four days. It seems that every day is worse than the one before, while the reality of what has happened really begins to sink in. Seb can’t talk to me yet about his feelings and I understand that. He has to keep going in the only way he knows how, and that’s to hold his emotions in check while he helps Anna’s family make the funeral arrangements. Alex offered to be my escort and he slept over for the first two nights after that fateful day. Nothing happened between us. We lay in bed, his arms around me and he let me cry. I slept fitfully, full of remorse and guilt. Another person I wasn’t able to save. I had let my brother down. What good is a gift if you can’t use it to help those you love, if you can’t protect them from the pain of an unnecessary loss? Seb has been robbed of his chance of happiness and left with a scar that will probably never heal. It would have been better to find out your partner has cheated on you, at least then there is a focus for your anger. I’m worried Seb will focus his anger on me and my inability to recognise a warning. Anna had a rare heart condition. The doctor said it’s something that often goes unnoticed if it doesn’t present any symptoms early on. She was unlucky he’d said, as if life was a lottery and the ticket Anna had purchased wasn’t a winner.
Everything happens for a reason and I keep saying that, except I can’t think of any reason or logic behind Anna’s death. The rest of Seb’s life will be over-shadowed by the loss of her love, so where’s the reasoning in that?
“Don’t,” Alex says, standing up and coming over to me. He throws his arms around me gently and squeezes lightly. “Don’t keep going over and over it in your head. It is what it is, you can’t change anything. It wasn’t your fault Ceri, no one is blaming you.”
I know his words are meant with kindness and I’m hearing them, but the pain I feel for Seb is real. The link between us means a part of me deep inside feels icy cold with the emotion he’s battling to contain. Men feel they have to be strong when the going gets tough, but this is something totally different. No one is equipped with a coping mechanism for this sort of tragedy, we each have to vent our feelings or risk becoming damaged.
“Sleep,” Alex whispers into my hair. “Tomorrow you have to go into work and begin functioning again. Life goes on Ceri, it’s the sad truth and I can appreciate how awful that must sound to you at this moment in time. People suffer and some things don’t make any sense, but life doesn’t stop. You have to make yourself strong for the funeral, for Seb. That’s something positive you can do. For the moment though, it’s time to rest.”
He backs me onto the bed, rolls me on my side with a tenderness that is heart-breaking and slips off my shoes. Sleep comes quickly, but the dreams are disturbing.
***
The funeral is the worst day imaginable. Seb is strong, but almost collapses towards the end of the ceremony celebrating Anna’s life. Tom is there next to him and they sit throughout the last part of the service. He pulls himself together and stands next to Anna’s parents while everyone filters out of the church.
It’s a bright day, the wind is chilly but the sky is blue and the birds are singing as if this isn’t one of the saddest days most of us here have ever experienced. It doesn’t seem real, but one look at Seb’s face reminds me that it is.
Within a week he’s gone. A hastily scribbled letter drops onto my doormat.
I’m running away, I guess you knew that would happen. I can’t be here Ceri, I can’t pretend I want to get up each morning and think about pulling my life back together. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I’ll be in touch when I can. I know you will understand, please apologise to those who don’t. This isn’t cowardice, this is survival. Take care of yourself.
And Ceri, you weren’t to know.
Seb x
I was thankful knowing Seb didn’t blame me for anything and a little relieved. Alex had Googled undiagnosed heart conditions and made me sit in front of the computer to read some of the stories. There was a bride of five months who died instantly when she stepped out of the Jacuzzi. Can you imagine that? Her husband was heart-broken and my heart cried out in sorrow, knowing the pain he was going through. But at least he’d had five months, five golden months with wonderful memories. I wanted that for Seb, but you can’t turn back the hands of time.
About a month later, with no news from Seb, I received a small package in the post. There was a note inside from Anna’s mother and something wrapped up in tissue paper.
I know that Seb needs distance to sort out his life, but I hope that someday he’ll think about the time they did have together. About the happiness they shared. Our precious daughter is even more precious in death. We are clinging on to the good times and are determined to celebrate her life.
We wondered if you would look after the necklace that Seb bought for Anna to wear on her wedding day and the matching earrings, your lovely gift to her celebrating the friendship between the two of you. I think she would have wanted you to have them. Whether one day you pass them on to Seb, we are content to leave up to you. It seems too sad to leave them in a box with some of her other things and it felt the right thing to do. We think it’s what she would have wanted; she spoke very highly of you.
Angela
It must have been so hard for her to write that note. I can’t bring myself to open the package. I want to remember Anna wearing them and the sparkle in her eyes. I tuck them away in the corner of a drawer for safe-keeping. I have no idea when I will see Seb again, but I know it won’t be any time soon.