As an angel I know there is no heaven or hell, there is only creation and everything that exists within it. Hell is a state of mind which exists only on this plane. It manifests itself in different ways. Lower vibrations—young souls with little experience—often flounder, trapped and unable to let go of whatever holds them back on their journey to the ethereal plane. On earth they busy themselves with causing mischief. They often do a lot of damage as they impede the work done by higher energies: those who are here trying to help people find their spiritual pathway. Unfortunately they cause serious confusion by sending out messages that have no meaning at all. In time they do move on. These are often the spirits that ghost hunters find, as few of the higher energies are disposed to help those who cannot believe without having proof.
However, I wasn’t prepared for the very real sense of overwhelming happiness that I’m feeling now I’m with Alex. I was happy doing the work I did, but this is something completely different. I can’t liken it to anything I have ever experienced before. We have a sense of oneness that takes my breath away. I trust Alex implicitly and when I’m with him I am a better person. Not just happier and more content, but complete and able to give more of myself to him and my ethereal life as well.
The passion is beyond giving; it’s a fusion. It begins as a sensation of warmth, like basking in the sun on a glorious day, and ends with an explosion that takes me to another place. Somewhere that only Alex and I can go together. A place I’ve never been before, and at last I know what the word love really means. My previous experiences were nice, nothing more and nothing less. With Alex it has meaning, strength, and if there is a heaven then I’m in it now.
Something makes me stir and I roll away from Alex, turning onto my side. A chill hits me like a blast of icy cold air coming in through an open window on a winter’s day. But I’m exhausted and my eyes are so heavy they won’t stay open, no matter what my senses are telling me.
I drift into an uneasy sleep.
***
I awaken in the early hours of the morning, a cold sweat slick on my skin. I jump out of bed before I even have a chance to consider that I might disturb Alex. I hurry into the sitting room and open the laptop. The garish light from the screen blinds my sleepy eyes.
To: seb789@aol.com
Subject: Urgent
Message: Are you there? I need to speak to you. Please. Ceri xxxx
I look at the screen that confirms my message has been sent. A minute passes, then ten minutes, and my arms start to feel chilled. My phone vibrates and scuttles towards me across the desk top. As I reach for it, a tingle runs up my arm. The caller ID says Seb. My heart races. This is the first time I’ve spoken to him since Anna’s death.
“Seb, are you okay?” The words come out in a rush.
“I don’t know. I think I might be having some sort of nervous breakdown. I need to talk to someone I can trust, how did you know?” He sounds dispirited, isolated. Almost confused.
“I’m here and I’m listening.” I can hardly keep the waver out of my voice. I want my brother to be here with me, not in some distant country that I’ll never see. It’s been too long. My instincts are screaming out beware, tread carefully and I wonder if he’s been kidnapped or something. Life in Cambodia is hard, a strange mix of third world and modern life running in parallel. A few moments elapse and now I’m scared he’s been involved in an accident. In his last email he briefly mentioned getting around in a tuk tuk. I Googled it and the examples that came up all looked like death-traps for the crazily busy roads. One feature I read said that traffic congestion in Phnom Penh was approaching a crisis.
“I…umm…don’t know where to begin.” He stops and there’s a strange noise, then another, and it’s clear he’s sobbing. My stomach is churning and all of my senses seem to be kicking off all over the place. Whatever is behind this, I have to be careful about what I say.
“That’s okay.” I manage to keep my voice level and calm. “We all have moments where it’s hard to find the words we need. Can I call you back? Are we in danger of getting cut off?” I’m unsure of his situation with regard to money, or whether he even has a mobile phone of his own now. I begin to panic. If we are cut off I feel a life-line is going to be severed.
“No, no. I have credit. I’ve been earning some money. It’s good to hear your voice. I don’t know why I didn’t call you before.” Another sob and the silent minutes pass, something deep down telling me to be patient and listen.
He lets out an anguished “Aaarghh,” and I realise he’s trying to pull himself together.
“Sorry, Sis, I have good days and bad ones. Today has been bad, that’s when I miss you the most. I’m not angry anymore. I mean, about losing Anna. I don’t understand it, but I’m no longer in denial. Shit happens, life is unfair sometimes. No point in asking why Anna or why me? Feels like I’m trying to shift the pain onto someone else’s shoulders and I’m past that point now. Only I thought I was coping and now I know I’m not.”
I don’t jump in to answer him. Instead I wait a few seconds to see if he’s going to continue. He remains silent and I soften my voice, hoping he’ll feel the healing vibes I’m sending along with my words.
“I know Seb, it’s so hard to bear and it doesn’t make any sense. I wish you were here, you sound like you need a hug.”
He makes a noise that sounds like a laugh and a sob combined. “Yeah, I thought I was coping until this morning.” More silence.
“What happened? You know you can tell me anything.”
Several more minutes elapse.
“I saw Anna last night.”
I wait, with bated breath, wondering if he’ll continue.
“She leant over me. I had just woken up. Or maybe I was still asleep. I don’t know, it’s not clear. How can I have seen her? She spoke to me, looked me in the eyes and said ‘Don’t give up’, and I cried out. Then she was gone. She was real, at the time I really believed that, but then she was gone—as suddenly as she had appeared.”
His words come tumbling out and I struggle to keep up with him. His emotions are all over the place, one moment reflecting desperation and the next sounding hopeful.
“You did the right thing calling me. Where are you?”
“In the commune. It’s basic but we have everything we need. The new irrigation system is nearly finished.”
“Okay, you need hot, sweet tea or very strong coffee. Do you have access?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Are you on a mobile or land line?”
“Mobile, it’s mine. My old one was stolen. This is a cheap one I picked up.”
“Okay, talk as you walk. Go make yourself something hot and strong.”
I question Seb to keep him talking as he walks, about his surroundings and the people he shares with. His voice returns to a more normal level and I’m relieved as that frantic edge gradually subsides. I can hear him clattering about as he brews his tea. He walks back to his room and then I ask him to describe it.
“It’s a box really, very small. Only a single bed, one cabinet and a small window. The walls are a dirty grey and the floor is permanently dusty. The road outside isn’t made up, but compacted dirt. I have a red flower, in a glass jar. I bought it this morning,” he sobs uncontrollably. I sit through the worst five minutes of my life, listening to the heart-wrenching sound. “I bought it for Anna, after last night.”
I hear some gulps and assume he’s drinking the tea. After a few more minutes he begins talking again.
“Ceri, when someone is dead, they are dead. Anna no longer exists and I know that. But she was here and I don’t think it was a dream.” It sounds more like a challenge than a statement. “Why did you email me tonight of all nights?” The tone is accusatory.
“It isn’t anything I’ve done Seb, but I felt something was wrong and that’s why I made contact. She didn’t choose to visit me. Anna is worried about you and it would have taken a considerable amount of effort for her to appear, even briefly. It’s too soon, her energy levels will still be depleted as the transition between planes is draining.”
“How can you say that so calmly? This is in my head. All in my head!” He shouts so loudly I have to hold the phone away from my ear.
“Seb, calm down. Drink your tea. This is a blessing. You have to see it for what it is: a message that shows you how much Anna still loves you. I know you don’t believe in life after death, or any of the spiritual stuff,” I have to pause for a moment to wipe away my own tears, “but your denial doesn’t change the fact that it does exist. You are my precious twin brother and I can’t lie to you just to help you make some sense of this. I also wouldn’t mislead you. Anna is obviously worried about how you are coping, so what’s really going on here?”
“I nearly did it, Ceri, nearly had the guts to end it all. The tablets started sliding down too easily, then the alcohol, and it felt so right. The promise of an end to the pain was enticing. Then I drifted off and suddenly Anna was there. I thought at first it was the curtain next to the window, shimmering in the moonlight. Then I realised there is nothing up to the window and suddenly Anna was standing there. She was frowning and I shrieked so hard my throat constricted. I threw up everywhere and then I cried. I was back to square one and I’m not sure I have the courage to go through with it again…”
***
We talked for over an hour and after he disconnected I sat there for a few moments, staring at the phone. Then I sobbed. For Anna, for Seb, and for myself. What a mess this life was turning out to be. As twins, does this mean that both of our futures are destined to be blighted? Our soul mates paraded before us, only to be snatched away by death and, in my case, by the fear of ruining Alex’s life?
Two hours later I received an email from Seb:
You saved me from myself Ceri. Is that what a twin with sensitivity does? Live their life half-feeling what the other feels? Because you sure know what’s in my heart and in my mind. Seb xx