I kiss Ceri, holding her for a little bit longer than necessary. Every time we part I worry that when I arrive home she won’t be there. I know it’s crazy. The reason she ran away before was because I said some awful things that weren’t true. I was hurting, frustrated and desperate. It was hell being around her every day for two years, three months, and eight days without being able to acknowledge my love for her. Since she’s been back and we’ve been together, everything is perfect. Until this damned promotion upset everything.
I keep walking, my head full of regrets, anger and desperation. What am I going to do? If Niall finds out that Alicia and I have a past together, I’m history. How will I explain that to Ceri? I hate lying to her—even if it is a lie by omission. But what can I say? Admitting the truth is going to be ugly and it was, but it sounds harsher when the words are spoken.
We were very young when we met and I really liked Alicia. We’d been seeing each other off and on for a couple of months when I received a phone call saying she was pregnant. She told me that she’d had counselling and was going to have an abortion. We were both in our first jobs after leaving university and the world stretched out enticingly before us. The news brought me down to earth with a bang. The day Alicia rang to tell me I was stunned, and I know she was struggling to hold it all together. We were dating exclusively but neither of us had said the word love, we weren’t at that place. I can now see that we weren’t ever going to fall in love. Not the sort of love I have for Ceri but, of course, you don’t know that until you’ve experienced it for yourself.
There was no nastiness, no ugly scene, and that was the crazy part. When I said I would do whatever she wanted, that we could get married and somehow make it work, she laughed bitterly. “We can’t even look after ourselves properly, what sort of parents would we make?” I hung my head in shame, thinking she was right and wondering how we could have been so careless.
We were just two young people who made the biggest mistake of all. I never saw her again after that. She refused to have anything to do with me. I tried to ring her several times, but it went to voicemail. Eventually a friend of hers sent me a text. She told me that if I had any respect for Alicia at all I would leave her alone and let her get on with her life. Alicia wrote me a letter a couple of months later, saying that we were both to blame and it was likely she would never forgive herself.
She was right in many ways, our relationship wouldn’t have worked. We were too young to handle the situation. I’ve told Ceri everything about myself except this one thing. She’s an angel and what the hell will she think of me if she finds out? I’m really scared that she can see inside of me, see what I’m hiding. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on to find out how it all works. Yes, a part of that is because I want to support her, but I’m running scared that my secret will be discovered.
I spoke to Ethan in a roundabout way and he says the rarity of an angel having an earthly life means it’s difficult to imagine how that works. He believes that with lesser vibrations sent to this plane to help others, if they have an emotional attachment, it inhibits what they can see. But with angels, who knows? I’ve been working on the basis that Ceri would have said something by now, but I’m worried sick. If Niall had mentioned Alicia by name I might have caught on, but I still wouldn’t have known it was her for sure, until last night.
I jump back as a car horn shatters my thoughts. I realise I’m stepping off the pavement and the crossing light is red. I’m anxious about seeing Niall today in case Alicia has said anything. A lot of couples share everything from the past before they make a firm commitment to each other. I know other people believe there’s no point in raking over the details of old romances. Ceri’s past was exactly as I expected. It made me feel sad to think that in the relationships she’d had the guys hadn’t treated her with the respect she deserved. I know how much she loves me and how attracted to me she is, it shows in everything she does. She’s a complex character, naturally, but there’s an innocence and naivety to her nature that is refreshing. I understand the cautious side of her and I believe that’s to do with her other-worldly connection. I never used to believe that there was more than one life, or one plane, but gradually I’m beginning to rethink the whole thing. At the moment I’m taking it all in my stride. People like Ethan, Ceri, and Mark are too intelligent to have the wool pulled over their eyes. Not only that, but I have my own gut feeling telling me that it’s real, even though if someone asked me I couldn’t explain it.
I’m beginning to wonder if a part of my desire to believe is because of that little soul, lost because Alicia and I had no relevant life experience and couldn’t come to terms with what was happening. I should have done something, worked out a way to make it happen. I will admit, at the time, I was scared about the thought of providing a stable home environment for a baby and maybe also supporting a new wife. But it wasn’t an empty offer, I would have managed somehow.
Niall and Alicia don’t have children and I wonder if that was Alicia’s choice? How can you think of bringing another baby into this world, when you failed to nurture a life that had begun to grow?
I have to shake myself and snap out of my reverie. I’m not in a fit state to walk through those office doors at the moment, pretending everything is fine. I need a large coffee with a couple of extra shots if I’m going to get through the day.
***
“Alex, hi. Thanks for coming in. Take a seat.” Niall looks amiable, so I guess Alicia didn’t say anything after all.
“Sorry about Alicia’s headache, she suffers from these awful migraines. It’s hormonal, you know how it is. It was great to meet Ceri. You’re a very lucky man, Alex.”
“Thanks, and I hope Alicia is feeling better today. It was a great meal and we both appreciated the gesture. Ceri felt awful about the glass.”
“These things happen, probably some careless waiter not noticing a crack in the glass when they were laying the table. Poor Ceri, she handled it well and didn’t make a fuss. I like that kind of woman. Can’t stand melodrama. I wondered if you would be available next Wednesday evening. I’m wining and dining our biggest client, Jack Monahugh. It’s more social than business, but it would be a great opportunity for you to meet him. Is Ceri available to come along too? What do you think?”
“It’s a great idea but I know Ceri already has a meeting booked. It will just be me, is that a problem?”
“No. Not at all. Does Ceri work evenings? She’s in advertising too, isn’t she? I recognised the name.”
“She starts a new job next week but she’s also involved in a separate project and it means she’s going part-time. She attends a few evening meetings now and again.”
I’m tempted to cross my fingers under the table and hold my breath, really hoping Niall doesn’t ask what exactly she does outside of her day job. He’s a feet on the ground sort of guy and I’m not sure he would understand. Heck, I’m not even sure what I would say. I need to think about it before I open up that line of conversation. He seems fine, though, and we briefly discuss what sort of background information the client would be interested in hearing. I like Niall, he’s a straight talking guy and there are no pretences or half-truths. He does business the old-fashioned way, what you see is what you get, and that is value for money.
As I close the door behind me I sag a little. Nervous energy is eating me up and at this rate I’ll run out of steam before the working day has finished. Ceri is attending a group meeting with Mark on Wednesday and I can’t expect her to change her plans. Anyway, I’m thinking it will be much better not to involve her any more than necessary, certainly until I know whether Alicia is going to say anything to Niall.
I groan inwardly. Is this bad karma coming back to me because I did something so unforgiveable it doesn’t even bear thinking about? Or maybe Ethan was right all along. What if I’m going to start paying the price for ignoring my dreams and making a life with Ceri? Or worse, Ceri is the one who is going to suffer. But why am I in love with her to my very core if it’s not meant to be? Who would do that to someone, give them an all-consuming love and then snatch it away? I believe there is a God and I like to think he’s compassionate, but I can’t see any compassion in wrenching Ceri and me apart. If she knew what I’d done…a part of me deep inside crumples at the thought.
I realise I’ve been leaning against the wall staring into space for a few minutes and I make my way to the kitchen area for another strong hit of caffeine. My head is full of Ceri: her beautiful smile, those intriguing grey-blue eyes that melt my heart. I love the way her straight blonde hair flicks across her face when she laughs and she inclines her head a little, looking up from under her lashes. The times when she says little and I am left to fill in the gaps, knowing there’s no point in talking. Maybe words just can’t explain it sometimes. In sombre mood she is a little scary at times but, given the burden she’s carrying, that’s only to be expected. How does someone live with that? I can understand why she’s cautious with people, because the topic often invokes such a strong reaction. Non-believers decry it with such vehemence that it can feel like a personal attack. Believers want to know more. Either way it’s awkward.
My mindset was that I believe in a God because we can’t simply just “be”, or have evolved from a state of nothingness. Someone created us and whomsoever it was had a far greater intelligence than any scientist known to man. I also struggle to accept that we end when we die, that the bit that makes each of us unique simply disappears. I literally grilled Ethan when I met up with him, wanting to know the answers to all my questions. Of course it wasn’t as simple as that and yes, I have moved on and can now see why so many people believe in life after death.
But the angel thing was a shock. I thought angels belonged to that place we refer to as heaven, which is probably somewhere out there in the universe, where all our energy gathers once we’re done here. The existence of multiple lives on earth sounds a bit too sci-fi for me.
Then there is Ceri, and Ethan was adamant his spirit guide told him Ceri is an angel.
Someone bumps my arm and my coffee mug splatters over the worktop.
“Sorry, Alex.” It’s one of the copy editors.
“No problem, I was deep in thought.” I nod and make my way back to my desk.
The death of that innocent baby is a black stain on my soul, I’m sure. The fact that Ceri can’t sense it means our love obscures her vision. I don’t know whether to be grateful about that, or rather sad. How can I tell her something that is bound to alienate her from me?
The truth is that I love her enough to lie, and that’s selfish. Totally selfish.