My reputation as a psychic and medium is growing. It’s largely due to Mark spreading the word. All of the venues where I accompanied him have offered me slots in their annual programme. I’m also beginning to receive bookings for one-to-one sessions and although the thought terrified me at first, I haven’t had a difficult one yet. I was concerned I might find myself sitting across the table from a client and my mind would be blank—no messages, no vibes—and what would I do then? Say “sorry, there are no messages for you” and send them home? I’d voiced my fears to Mark, thinking he might laugh, but his answer demonstrated my fears were only natural.
“That’s not a problem you are going to have to worry about, Ceri. Some people go out there before they are ready, or with such a big ego that they don’t listen as carefully as they should to their spirit guides. It’s teamwork channelling messages, and there’s no ‘I’ in team.”
His confidence in my abilities was rather difficult to handle. I didn’t have the same level of optimism. Then, suddenly, here I am—doing what I’m supposed to do and every step forward is so easy, I can’t make a wrong move. Even I’m surprised by some of the things that I hear myself saying. How do I know all of this? From time to time my work on the ethereal plane is more difficult and demands my conscious time. That’s the only way I can explain it. Some days I’m hardly aware, unless I sit and meditate and then I’m there, on the other plane and living it. When it’s a difficult problem I’m dealing with, it can overlap with my consciousness here and I feel like I’m actively living two lives at the same time. Two sets of thoughts at the forefront of my mind competing for attention. A repeat of what happened that first morning after I talked Alex into believing we could have a relationship. I was here, but I knew I was also somewhere else at the same time. Even worse, I chose to totally ignore everything that Ethan had said in the message for Alex, as if it didn’t count.
What worries me now is that I can’t avoid Ethan forever. He’s a working psychic medium on the same circuit and our paths will cross at some point. What will I say? “Sorry I snubbed you, when I knew everything you had told Alex was correct. I thought I could change what fate had in store for us”? I knowingly tried to sow seeds of doubt in Alex’s mind about a man whose abilities far outweigh Mark’s and I feel ashamed of myself. I had the worst motive for trying to discredit his words. I wanted Alex to love me without reservation.
In the ethereal world there is only good intention, and there is no ego or need for self-preservation. Energies don’t put themselves first, because it isn’t necessary. But the earthly part of me feels very real at times and I was fighting for something so precious it was almost heart-stopping. I wanted Alex’s love in this life, more than I respected the laws of the universe. Why? This earthly life is harsh, cold and cruel at times, and yet it’s also full of emotions that can overwhelm the senses. The suffering some individuals have to bear seems extreme and tortuous. Why have such an intense training ground? Maybe the centre of all being is admitting that creation and the ongoing perpetuity of the universe is missing something? The power created by emotions that can be all-consuming, that can make a weak person strong, and it doesn’t exist anywhere other than here. I now understand that I am a splinter, a part of the spark of life that is creation. It lies within us all, of course, but some sparks are instrumental. Few angels experience an earthly life because our powers do not require that input: we are highly evolved, but are we emotionally evolved?
So here I am, alone, with my heart torn to shreds. Alex is no longer a part of my life and I have no choice but to accept that with grace and humility. It was my transgression that caused the pain both Alex and I have to endure, and the weight of that lies heavily upon me. The load is lightened every single time I pass on a message for someone whose life will be altered by what they hear. Sometimes it’s very sad: in this world where there are atrocities that are hard to stomach there is also a wonderful sense of nurturing, compassion and sacrifice. Tonight I saw a woman who had nursed her mother through her final months of life. She was totally unaware that her mother was around her all the time and will be until the day she dies. They are kindred energies from the same family, and will be together throughout all of time.
While the message was positive and very personal, those on the ethereal plane are not allowed to share detail about their non-earthly existence. Therefore the messages are mainly validation, to give comfort, or guidance when someone is in danger of losing their way. The woman who came to me was looking for forgiveness. Towards the end of her mother’s life she was required to make some tough decisions about her care, and the guilt she was feeling was overwhelming. In truth, the answer should have been that it didn’t matter when her mother was here, and it most certainly doesn’t matter now. Her mother’s energy is back working on the ethereal plane and helping lower energies, and even humans, achieve their full potential. But her eye will always be on her daughter, because they are one and the same and always will be. For those energies that have experienced at least one earthly life, I can now understand the level of compassion they feel. I know my life here will never be the same now that I’ve known, and lost, my beloved Alex. I will never get over having to walk away from his love. Am I destined to be the first angel to harbour regret? The thought scares me beyond belief, because that reflects the human side of my nature only. I fear it means my ethereal energy is now damaged. Is that what is referred to here as a fallen angel? If that is the case, I have fallen into the depths of earthly hell and if it was within my power I would end my life here and now. The truth is that life without Alex isn’t worth living.
It’s strange that in the depths of misery the sun still shines and the birds still sing. Nature continues to surprise and delight, whether that’s a glorious blue sky or heavy rain sweeping across barren fields. There is beauty everywhere and in everything, if you take a moment to notice what’s happening around you. Now I spend my days showing others how to see with open eyes and passing on messages that are positive, meant to bring comfort or direction. However, what is important isn’t the fact that it often helps to make their grief more bearable, but that it’s a step towards their spiritual awakening. It strikes me that those who care the most, suffer the most. Earth logic is so hard to understand at times.