It wasn’t until Ethan dropped me home that the relief flooded over me. Who was I trying to kid? Someone on the other side was protecting me from myself tonight. Maybe they were protecting Ethan’s feelings as well. How could I try to fool myself like that, when I know what’s still in my heart?
I stand under the shower, letting the water cleanse me as if it is washing away the vestiges of another big mistake. When I lie down on the bed I want to hasten into my dream state, there is a question I need to ask.
***
Transition now takes mere moments, living as I do with the ability to be on both sides of this earthly life with ease. I open my mind and know that my ethereal mentor is here for me.
“Why?”
“Because you were about to make big a mistake. You were using your head and not your heart, which was not only disappointing but totally out of character. You were taking the easy way out, Ceri.”
“Can you blame me, given what I’ve been through?”
“Spoken like a true mortal. You are an angel. You are above the pulls of human emotions. You know better.” His words sting.
“I’ve failed.”
“Yes.”
“How will I learn the new lessons so that I can move on and prove my worth?”
“You have succeeded in many of the tasks you have been set and we are pleased. You have already helped many people and will continue to do so. However, you have also presented us with an unexpected dilemma.”
His words strike fear into my heart. I’ve tried to limit the damage I’ve done, but obviously it wasn’t enough.
“I know I’ve done wrong. I wish I could say I would do it differently if I was given a second chance, but I cannot lie to you. Nothing prepared me for the feelings I have for Alex. I’m ashamed, but all I can say in my defence is that some emotions are so powerful they take over your mind, heart, and soul. My beliefs are still strong, but I was even stronger when I was with him.”
“It’s all academic now.” The words are communicated without emotion.
“What do you mean?”
“You succeeded in changing your fate. What happens next is entirely up to you.”
“But what about Alex?”
“His fate, too, lies in your hands. I’m here if you need me.”
The silence inside my head is deafening.
***
It was the longest night of my life. I awoke and began pacing the floor. What does this all mean? Is my life now a blank page with regard to Alex? How can I steamroller into his life again after the pain I’ve caused him?
I sit at the kitchen table, my hands wrapped around a strong cup of coffee, in the early morning gloom. Little thrills of excitement keep coursing through my body and I have to try really hard to remain calm. What is the next step for me now? It’s a little after four in the morning and I wander into the study.
I open up the laptop and go straight to the spam folder. It’s full of junk and nothing from Alex. I click compose and type “I’m sorry” into the subject line. What should I say? For a long while I sit looking at the blank space in the body of the email. It glares back at me, as if to say there are no words to right this wrong. Is that true? Maybe this is about learning more than one lesson. If fate doesn’t lay out the path in front of us, it suddenly becomes rather frightening to take a step into the unknown. My fingers begin typing and I’m eager to see what appears on the screen.
My darling Alex, I’m sorry. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…can you forgive me? I will love you forever. C xxx
I have to lift my fingers away from the keyboard so that they will stop typing and add the word “forever”. I press send without a moment’s hesitation, knowing full well that it’s probably too late. That might be the next lesson I’m being taught…be careful what you wish for, it might just come true. I can only hope my spirit guides continue to look out for me as I fight for Alex’s love.
***
I have no choice but to pack my bag and head off to a psychic convention. I’m making a personal appearance and it’s a three hour journey by train. It’s in totally the opposite direction to where I want to be heading. It’s taking me further away from Alex. I keep checking my emails, frantic when I lose the internet connection on my phone. Nothing. Maybe he isn’t online today, or is he simply avoiding me? Is he sitting in front of the pc, my email in front of him and the cursor hovering over it, unable to decide whether to press open or delete?
The day passes, the evening passes, and after hours of agonizing I’m back in the hotel room. Still there’s nothing from Alex. I pack my bag ready to leave early in the morning. I know he works from home most of the time and that’s my next step.
***
There’s no reply when I knock on the door. I ring the bell once, twice, three times, and eventually a neighbour comes out onto the landing.
“No one’s home. He’s been away for a couple of days.” The woman eyes me suspiciously. I suppose I was hammering on the door and then pressing the doorbell frantically. It must look very suspicious.
“Oh, thank you. Do you know where Alex went?”
Clearly she has no intention of sharing anything at all with me. She looks me up and down as if she just caught me trying to break in.
“No. I don’t know.” She shuts the door and I’m left standing, not sure what to do next.
***
Another day passes. No emails and no reply when I call at Alex’s apartment. I don’t have his mobile number on my new phone, so I ring Sheena and ask if she can text it to me.
“Ceri, why on earth do you want Alex’s number after all this time? It’s kinder to leave the poor guy alone. I think he’s seeing someone now,” she says, gently.
“Alicia? No, it’s not what you think. Ethan told me, she was just a flat mate. Alex wasn’t sleeping with her, only helping out an old friend.” I don’t like hearing the desperation in my voice.
“This is a new friend. They were together at the fun run the other week. I didn’t say hello or anything, but I saw them and they are clearly an item.”
It’s like the floor has opened up beneath my feet. It’s too late and that is the lesson I’m being taught! I was warned a long time ago…don’t change anything as the ripples spread out and the only one to blame here is me.
“You’re sure about that? There’s no mistake about them having a relationship?”
“Her name is Macy and she has a daughter. That’s all I know.”
I feel guilty for grilling Sheena, as I know she’s only doing this out of sisterly love. “Just because they’ve been out together doesn’t mean there’s any commitment between them. This is too important for me to take anything at face value, Sheena.”
“He told me himself, I’ll send you the email. I thought you’d moved on…what about Ethan?”
“There never was anything other than friendship and shared interests between us. I know how it looked when we went out for dinner, but so much has happened since then. I can’t explain now, I can’t rest until I’m satisfied I’ve done everything I can. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life—whichever way it goes.”
“The email is on the way. Good luck honey.”
I disconnect and pick up the text, saving Alex’s number to my contact list. After six rings it goes straight to voicemail.
What can I say? I press the end call button, knowing words are going to be inadequate. When I sit down in front of the laptop I have eighteen emails. None are from Alex, but one is from Sheena. I open it with trepidation.
From: Alex385ID71@pcit.com
To: cheerfulchic01@gmail.com
Re: Thanks for your support
Hey lady! Nice to hear from you and sorry I didn’t spot you in the crowd of runners. I was with Macy. She’s a client and fast becoming my significant other. We really enjoyed our day and the run was exhilarating. You couldn’t have picked a better day for it. Unfortunately we can’t make the next one, as it’s Macy’s daughter’s birthday and I’ll be meeting her for the first time.
Hope things are good with you.
Alex
I scroll down to read Sheena’s original email to Alex.
From: cheerfulchic01@gmail.com
To: Alex385ID71@pcit.com
Thanks for your support
Hi Alex, I just wanted to thank you for coming along and supporting the cause. I caught a glimpse of you, but before I could make my way through the crowd, you were off and running again. I hope you can join the next fun run and maybe we can catch up.
Take care,
Sheena
My chin sinks down onto my chest and I gently expel the air from my lungs in one long, agonizing gasp. Alex’s dream is about to come true. A woman who can love him without reservation or complication and a daughter to help fill the void he’s always felt from the loss of his own biological child. I delete the email, then delete his number from my phone. Within seconds all hope has died, as I know I can’t destroy his chance of happiness with someone who is at least normal. The fact that it isn’t Alicia is probably my fault too. What other effects have rippled outwards because of my inability to accept my fate? I can’t retract the email I sent, I can only hope it goes into spam and will be autodeleted along with all the other trash.